Day 73- What Does it mean to be a Female? Is it different from a Male?

So here opening up the dimensions of this point within myself of being a female, what does this imply for myself and how have I existed within my life towards the fact that I am female?

I will start back when I was a child, and my earliest memories of myself was being a young kid were I never identified myself with being female, I remember thinking that it was not fun being a girl because of what toys they were designated to play with and what they did. In terms of being a little girl, the toys that are designated as 'female' are the dolls, tea sets, dressing up, wearing make up, ect. and for me I wanted absolutely none of that. I remember really getting annoyed with my mom in the mornings when she would try and put my hair up in braids or something, and I would say no, I want my hair short and not touched. I didn't like the whole tied up look and the pulling of the hair with the brush, it hurt and was unnecessary as it would just get in my face. So I looked at being a human being as a child in more practical terms based on my desires to not be bothered with looking 'pretty'. (This early years like 5-8 yrs. old)

In terms of play, I didn't identify with any of the girl toys, and always desired to be outside in the woods or in the fields playing sports or climbing trees, going on some sort of adventure with my friends around the neighborhood, but never did I want to sit inside and play dress up and put make up on or play with dolls.

I see within this point for myself that it is fine for a child to play whatever it is the child want to play in terms of their expression, but based on society norms and how the adults for instance pushed to be more girly and be more feminine, I became self conscious of myself in seeing why is it that I am not girly? What is not being girly mean when I am a girl? Was I suppose to be a boy, and I a boy trapped in a girls body? I often thought this because I was much more interested in playing with boys, doing boyish stuff, and be seen equal with the boys based, but within society and with others older then me, I was getting you have to act more girly, you have to wear dresses and tights, and be like your sisters. So who I was within myself was being conficted with the reality of where I was living, and thus within me started to question who I was and why I was the way I was based on this point of being a girl but not 'acting' like one.

I will do self forgiveness on this point of identifying self as male or female, when in reality, there is no separation in terms of what is 'feminine' to do and what is 'masculine' to do. One should be able to be free to do and express in whatever it is they feel they would like to. Obviously, there is points where females and males are more 'naturally' inclined to do and stand within responsibility within this world, but this is not mutually exclusive and never should be. There are exceptions like breast feeding, obviously, that will only be done by females in this existence, but other then this, life should have no gender classification nor gender roles.

When we start putting labels on things, it becomes something different and more complex then what it is here in just walking in each breath and expressing in the moment in what has to be done. For instance, a male is at home with his daughter. The female who is the mother of the child is at work, the male in this role would need to stand in as the nurturer, to support, assist, and care for the child in absolute specificity as the mother is 'naturally' inclined to do so as this has been the 'mothers' role in society forever. But what does that say about the male, does he not have the same capacity and abilities to nurture and support the child in care then the female, but when one ask a person who is the one who take care of the children, 9 out of 10 will say the female. This I can see why this has been pushed in such a way based on the female bearing the child, but to consider that the father is equal and one in the creation of the child and thus should stand equal and one in raising and caring in all facets for the child as either way it must be done, so why put labels on what we do? Thus it's the labels and divides of gender roles that cause unnecessary separation that is based on our ideas, beliefs, and traditions over time and if one investigate - allot of these points stand in place due to mind dimensions such as ego, desires, and fears we as humanity has accepted and allowed and thus has manifested the state of the world today, were we see a gender divide and disrespect. So within the next blogs to come will be looking at the dynamic of men and women and how we have separated ourselves based on these labels we have defined ourselves by based on the difference of our body design, and putting my personal mind dimensions in to it to work with the forgiveness to stop my separations in this matter as well for myself.


male, female, men vs. women, gender roles, gender divide, gender wars, mothers, fathers, equality, equal life, equal money, journey to life, desteni, 2012, garbrielle

Day 72- 'Why don't you Love me?'

I had a dream last night of a past relationship, it was interesting because it brought me right back to the feelings and emotions I experienced while being with this person, and it was a feeling of not being loved.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the desire to be loved. I realize and see that this desire is based on the fact that I don't love myself and thus don't love others as searching for love is not being love. To live love and be love is to stop the desires and feelings for love from another, and live love as a solution for this world to bring about a world that is best for all and all life are free to enjoy their expressions as life, which is real practical love as this gives all life freedom in being life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame and become angry at another for me not receiving what I expected to make me feel good as love, and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to treat another in anger and blame based on how I was feeling and projecting onto them within my own self interest as a want to feel good in being loved. I realize and understand that within this desire for another to give something to me that I don't believe I have within myself, I will never be satisfied as I am denying myself the love that is who I am. I am life and thus life is who I am and to deny myself any point of life here within this world within giving to others the joy that self can give, then I am not going to every receive love as you only receive what you give. If I don't give the love of myself to others one and equal as who I would want it, I can't blame nor expect any different outcome from another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not give how I would like to receive and thus go into blame and anger towards another because I was not willing to do what I was expecting. I realize and understand I am the other and thus giving to the other is giving to myself and thus within this giving I create a oneness of life here in equal giving as all is giving to all and thus all is received by all and this will create the best world for all, what we always have wanted to receive for ourselves, but the point to always consider and look at within myself is if I am giving it equal and one.

I commit myself to stop the expectation for love from another. I commit to be love as life and give love as life to all here within all ways I am able to give to all that which I can give, and thus this will always be the greatest reward.

I commit to stopping going into blame and anger towards another when I don't get what I expected and desired but always consider myself within what is here, and walk the correction to always give to others how I would like to receive.

I commit myself to always push myself and be an example for others to show what giving to another is and live this so life is giving instead of desiring, and we are open and free here by giving this to/as ourselves.

Day 71- The Inner Torture of Self Doubt- Ego Rises

Within this point of self doubt where I start to live into it within this feeling of inferiority that comes upon me especially within groups and others, I will then manifest myself in a defense and protection mechanism, where I will go into ego and 'pretend' that I am too cool to talk to others, I don't care about others, and I am just too cool to really put any kind of effort into getting to know others and walking with others. This completely and totally based on the in-fear-ority I am existing as and the hiding I go into to to not have to face the reality of who I am accepting myself to be within this self doubt and fear of being around others.

Within this point of going into the opposite polarity of this point as ego is based on hiding and not desiring to face the person I have become and really allowing fear to take me over, fear of others, and fear of being emotionally hurt by them, I realize that I can only be 'hurt' emotionally if I am emotional, and I realize that emotions is just systems within us, programs actually, created by the mind consciousness system through and as my acceptance of it being real, that indeed it was created as real for me. But who I am I understand is life and life doesn't get emotional about things, life is here and live solutions in equality and oneness in all ways = always.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into a form of superiority as a form of hiding to not have to face myself and how I am accepting myself as fear because I realize what I'll have to do to face this fear and it's to look at how I am being and change myself to walk in equilibrium with myself, and change I see as hard so I resist it. I realize and see that within this fear and then going into the hiding as a form of ego as superiority is only causing more abuse as I am just perpetuating myself through the cycle of low and high were I gain energy off of others and then fall when I am perceiving others within the judgments I am holding on of myself. Thus I must walk the correction of stopping this form of hiding by facing each and every form of judgment and fear that arise with others or with myself and investigate it and walk out the correction through writing and sel forgiveness to give me the base platform for the opportunity to change.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into fear towards others based on the judgments of myself and thus perceiving the life around me in relation to these judgments I am holding and thus projecting my own self judgments onto others seeing and perceiving they are judging me in equal fashion. When I realize and see that this judgment is only and always has been about myself, how I am being within myself and my living with and towards myself, and thus will live out who I am within myself to my external world, which within the self doubt that I am accepting is a limited version of myself in fear and defense mechanism where I am not actually seeing who I am within the moment but only seeing through self judgment where I cause myself to doubt myself and sabotage myself due to the fear I am defining myself by and existing from within and throughout my world. I realize and see that I am not defined by my own mind and self judgments, I have the opportunity here to see them for what they are as fears and self sabotage where I have accepted a false version of myself due to self interest and want to be seen or expected to be treated in a certain way. Within this I understand that to limit life to my own desires and expectations is a form of enslavement of myself as this can never be fufilled and doesn't make sense as this would only be considering myself within ideas and projections of myself and missing the reality that is real and is life here equal and one with all of us within and as each other and thus to stop the enslavement of myself I have to stop the separation of myself from mind ego desires in self interest to life here living with each other in creating solutions and unity within all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to play over scenarios in head head over and over again to formulate and analyze and also create fantasy type play outs where I can create myself as the best I can be, or discover what I missed or what I didn't do within others opinion of me where I could be different next time. Within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to play out mind realities in my mind to create a nice feeling for myself where I can essentially create whatever I want in terms of my mind reality where I can go into detail how I can be better, or what I can to to get others to see me in a different light or a new way, and thus live within my mind more then I am actually living here in reality with others. Making all sorts of dimensions up within my head where I am not really having to take responsibility for myself and change the false living I am living as as self judgment and self doubt and stand here within myself as life and accept myself one and equal with others, and see that I am the other and that we actually have very much many things in common and are basically the same within our beingness in general. I realize and see that within this living within my mind and making up reality within the mind dimensions is causing me to be more lost and out of touch with reality and thus not able to see and take the responsibility need to stop the actions of self judgment and inferiority and thus self doubt when they arise, and so I understand I must stop participating in this mind reality scenarios I exist within and become more practical, more physical, and push to use breath for stability and work more as breath to walk into and as the physical more and more as I walk into this as myself.

I commit myself to stop going into the ego as superiority with others I am feeling inferior with and thus stop this polarity of inferior/superior cycle but exist within who we are as equals walk this as myself, and push myself to live this in each and every moment stopping the mind with my self will.

I commit myself to stop fear and living within the mind as how others are seeing me in this fantasy reality as my perceptions and judgement, but instead I commit to walk here as equals with life living this day to day, helping, caring, and becoming humble with the life around me and myself to become gracefully within my living and give myself back to myself to enjoy myself as life.

I commit to stop the mind reality fantasies and analysis of myself so I can stand with life and as life and trust myself to not abuse myself or others, and thus I stop fueling this abuse of myself by stopping the judgments and the thoughts of this self hatred and walk the self back to living by become the living through my words and actions.

inner torture, ego rising, hell bound, eqafe, inner turmoil, hell, existence, self doubt, why do i doubt myself, equality, eqafe, deeteni, 2012, journey to life,

Day 70- The Inner Torture of Self Doubt- Accepting myself as Weak

Within this point of accepting myself as weak, I see that this is carried from the acceptance of this self doubt within me, it makes sense as within self doubt as I realized in my last post about this point, that it divides self and cause self to lose power within who self is as there is an uncertainty and thus an instability within who I realize myself to be. With others I have seen that I will from accepting this self doubt as me go immediately into inferiority and see myself as the lesser of the group, and I will diminish myself. I will see myself in relation to the group I am with as unworthy, not as cool/popular or not as capable, but this only being assessed within my mind as self judgments and past memories of how I was treated in similar instances in one moment and thus holding onto only its one memory to define me by who I am. So within this point of weakness, it has nothing to do with the group I am with, but who I am being within myself. I am the one holding on to this memory and defining me by it, and thus I am he one sabotaging myself to doubt and separation with the others in the group. I see this doubt and separation is due to me not standing and stopping the addiction to this self loathing and self pity based on this past memory.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto a memory of me being made fun of in front of other classmates when I was younger an being singled out and ostracized due to the stigma that I defined myself and thus lived into with others in my world. I realize and see this self compromise is based on define myself from this past memory and holding myself down based on the belief I held about myself that because I was called out and made fun of then I am not acceptable anymore, I have been tarnished, and thus have lost the perfection idea I was holding of myself with others and now am seen as less then this idea which I could not handle.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto an idea of perfection within my mind and thus had created myself in such a way within my mind and behavior that I was a perfect fit into this idea and thus was able to align myself with other systems and people to survive and gain the acceptance I feared to lose. I realize and see that this point of perfection is based on the idea that I have to be this perfect idea and picture to survive here, to be accepted, and thus be able to know where I stand. I realize and understand that I don't need to survive within and as society norms and thus define me by how others treat me, thus within this I realize that I have to stop the idea that I have to be perfect within myself to have others see me in this way.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto this idea that if I am not absolute within my perfection within who I am and how I am seen by others and thus not seen within the best of all that are there, I see myself as not worthy and thus diminished, and go into anger and blame towards others. Within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold myself within a standard of absoluteness where there is no room for change and thus only living within the delusion of the mind. I realize and understand to hold ideas of how life should be and how I should be seen by others is why this point of public humiliation had to manifest to show me that I am not defined by the idea in my head nor by how others see or call me, but I am the one who is defining me. I am creating this situation by only living within absolutes as polarities to such an extent where the high of being seen within the class as the most popular to a great fall where I was ostracized and made to be an outcast. I see and understand thus scenario played out to show me that I am one and not the other, but both points have to be dealt with and equalize as this is where change is possible and life is possible as i realize in equality where I am not determining myself by how others see me but how I live among others.

I commit to stop the self doubt of myself by stopping the holding on to this memory of me being made fun of and out casted, and realize that this was a gift showing me that I am dividing myself and thus I walk to equalize myself here with myself as the physical.

I commit myself to let go of the idea of i have to be perfect for others, and walking the perfection within my living and physical movement one and equal with all life stopping the separation and living from the physical.

I commit to stop walking within polarities of the mind chasing desires and acceptance of myself, but walk the physical in reality accepting all that is here through accepting myself for how I am and allowing myself the chance for change through walking the process that is here and living it.

to be continued.

torture, life in chains, I am abused, bullying, why do kids bully, what is the effects of bullying, parents guide to child insecurities, equality, equal life, desteni, journey to life, 2012

Day 69- The Inner Torture of Self Doubt

Within myself I see that allot of the times during my day, I compromise myself to self doubt, seeing and judging myself as less then what I see as the life around me and questioning what I am doing, if I am doing it right, and how will others judge me. So compromising my self standing based on defining myself by experiences I am having towards others based on energy that is within me as feelings that are due to the polarity I am existing within and thus comparing myself where doubt is seen as I am splitting myself in many different places and thus making less my self power cause I am not here with myself, but in my mind looking for myself out there, which create the doubt because I am nowhere to be found as I am searching all over the place instead of being here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to doubt my decisions within who I am based on defining myself by others and how others are thinking about me. I realize and understand that defining myself by others and others thoughts towards me is not really about the other but the way I am defining myself within myself. So thus I see I must stop my judgments of myself that compromise who I am as equal with all and thus stop my mind from going out there to define me, but be here and just live in each moment. When I go into defining myself within the mind I will create this self doubt as a division is created and I am split within me. Once a body is split, it will always fall, this is true in all facets of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create a specific desire within my mind of how I want to be perceived and when I am not perceived in such a way as desired, I go into a self doubt as to why I wasn't seen in the way I expected as this way is always a bloated way and not in reality. Thus I realize that if I am not within the reality of who I am and in my mind desiring for a fantasy type scenario to happen to me, I will go into doubt as I am not basing myself on who I am within what I am doing, but on ideas, pictures, beliefs in my mind floating around and only being seen within the positive polarity of the desired experience. I must stop this desire for an experience and thus stop playing into the polarity that I have to be seen in a specific way as I realize that when this specific way is not lived out to my liking, I will see myself as unworthy and perpetuate the self doubt as who I am accepting myself to be.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to only live within myself as the polarity outcome of who I expect myself to be ignoring/hiding/pushing away who I am as the opposite polarity not realizing that this ignoring/hiding/pushing away is not supportive to who I can be and will only cause this self doubt within me to accelerate as I am not considering who I am being within what is really here as myself, but only looking at the bright side. I realize and see ignoring myself as the dark will only increase the self doubt within myself as I will not be able to walk the correction to be here in equality as I am unwilling to walk the point out in it's entirety due to fear of what I'll see and within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting self doubt to overcome me as I am seeing within myself who I am being and thus based on my desire and acceptance of only living and pushing to be the best as the positive within my world I am sabotaging myself as I go into doubt as how I am being doesn't correlate with reality in who I really am as the dark and the hidden. I realize that I have to let go of this desire to be the best and only see the positive, and face the entirety of who I am and all that I do, so I know myself and understand myself, and thus have the opportunity to change myself to be a being who is living self honesty thus doubt will cease to exist as who I am is out in the open and here for all to see as me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow fear to direct me to sabotage who I am and create doubt within me based on my beliefs and thoughts about other and how others are seeing/thinking/talking about me and within this desiring to only be seen within and as a certain way, and thus when my reality as others shows me something that is not what I believed myself to be I go into doubt as there is no foundation. I am defining myself by others and thus I will always be unstable because I will never get the answer from others I desire and that will be acceptable to me. I realize and understand that to accept me here I must let go of the mind as beliefs, ideas, thoughts, and projections onto others, and live for me and as me. Standing here within self and walking the process of acceptance by stopping the mind as fear, judgments, thoughts, and ideas. Live in practical reality stopping all energy of the mind to divide me and thus cause the self doubt as I am not whole, but split and fragmented within me causing uncertainty.

I commit myself to stop going into a judgment of myself in the face of others, but let this go and really walk the humbleness of me, acceptance of me, and self care of me so I can stand within myself and live who I am in full awareness and understanding of each move I make, stopping the doubt of who I am and living the being I realize I am.

I commit to stop existing within polarities as positive and negative towards the life around me as myself, and just live within and as my physical body, my physical movements, and walk the process of slowing myself down to see who I am being and stop the division to go into my mind and sabotage me through self doubt and fear in the projection of who I want to be seen as and how are others seeing me, which is not real and only will cause self diminishment.

I commit to stop defining me by my mind and the outside reality, but walk here within and as my own self by realizing that I am all that is here and thus all I can do is walk my correction, build my self trust and self awareness through living my words, and understand myself more and more until all here is known and I remain.


self doubt, I dont know who I am, why am I so low, why am I such a loser, why do i feel so bad, equality, solutions, life issues, equal life, equal money, journey to life, eqafe, desteni, garbriellegoodrow

Day 68- Walking the Physical: The Body

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to identify who I am based on the way my body looks and is shaped within the idea that I have a nice looking body and bodies that are not nice looking are not as acceptable. I realize and see that the human physical body can not be defined nor limited due to the idea I have placed due to my own self interest as mind energy nor can any being be judged based on the accepted and allowed nature we have all existed within overtime of abusing ourselves and abusing our physical body by the mind as ideas, judgments, beliefs, thoughts, ect. I realize and understand that the physical human body is life and here and thus I am the decider to have life here by aligning myself within and as this physical human body by aligning myself with and as the oneness and equality of this physical existence within and through my physical body as the physical is what is real, this by living my words in all within and without that is me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge the human physical body within an idea that I have created of some are more acceptable then others due to my desire and knowledge of what will attract others to me and how the body can be used in such a way to feed my mind desires and ultimately get my good feelings of energy through praise and/or sex and thus within myself use this praise or sex that  I may be able to get through my body manipulation to gain acceptance for myself as I am still defining myself by outside sources instead of seeing myself within and as all that exist as life that is here in this physical existence. I realize and understand that judging my human physical body and using it in such a way for my own gain is taking advantage of the gift that is here and always has been here within and as the physical as I breath, walk, and able to express myself with life as life. I thus see and understand that I must stop the definitions as ideas of what is acceptable within what a body should look or be like, and accept all life here as is, walking and living the correction of myself in all areas of life til I have perfected who I am and thus walk the perfection of all life to be the best possible potential we all can be by living in systems that harness this and create the opportunities for this to become manifested through the equality and oneness of all life as self within the life being lived here within this physical existence as how we create it as such.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within and as a point of desire to have a certain body type as athletic and toned and thus within myself create a split as separation with all human physical bodies who are one to me by defining bodies in such a specific and limited way. I realize and see that within and as life we are all different meaning our physicals are different shape, sizes, colors, looks, but this is not in any point of separation as within and as who each one is as the shape, size, color, look is all one as life, we are all one as life thus there is no limitation within and as the body as life, but only self correction through walking myself to self perfection through becoming the living word and birthing myself as the physical in equality and oneness with what is here, so life is here and within this there is no separation only life. So within this realization I understand that I must stop defining myself within specific limitations such as body types and stop judging and limiting others within who I am by accepting all as myself and walking this point as myself within and as life here as all as one as equal as the physical we all are as the gift that is our human bodies that allow us to live.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take advantage of the human physical body by desiring it in a certain way and only desiring my own self happiness where in I am only in limitation within ego trying to get energy to make me feel 'good' as I have become addicted to this relationship rush. I realize and see that the physical is here and always has been here within and as oneness and equality with all the life that is here and within this realization I see that I have been the one who has diminished my physical and abused my physical based on following the mind to compromise my physical by not living what is best for it, so within and as the understanding that the physical human body has always and continues to support me as the physical life within each and every cell, to each and every organ, to the physical body itself one and equal to life and thus supports me unconditionally to live and breath and walk the process to life as myself and I must take this opportunity to walk this realization to completion as myself as life for what is best for all to have eternal life and stop the death process of myself as energy, energy will die and thus that is why the physical dies as we kill it by accepting ourselves in the chase for energy missing ourselves here as the physical itself living in each and all moments.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become addicted to energy as a rush within and as the self interested life style I am currently existing within and towards the physical as I get a rush when another see me in a certain way and thus have defined this certain look to be acceptable as I see that I am getting the energy I desire, and thus create a polarity with the physical as separation based on my own happiness within my own self interest to create energy. Thus I realize and see that I am existing within and as the mind in separation with the very physical that is giving me life unconditionally even within the fact that I abuse it for my own self interest, thus realizing and seeing that I am creating this abuse and diminishment to my body such as disease and so thus I must walk the correction through walking self investigation through self writing, self forgiveness, self honesty, and self corrective living to prove to myself as life that I will not abuse what is here in unconditional support and what gives me life the physical existence one and equal with the physical body one and equal with myself as I am here as the physical breathing.

I commit to stop all polarity play outs of separations within ideas of what the physical should look like and walk the physical in practical breath here as I move and breath, stopping the mind, thoughts, judgments through the support tools until they no longer direct me.

I commit to walk within and as each and every physical pain to find it's core origin as this is the physical assisting me to see where and how I am existing within the mind as the pain signifies system activation within and as the mind consciousness system which is embedded within the human physical body.

I commit to stop the separation of the physical by stopping my desires as ego in self interest and living within and as self correction through self forgiveness until I am here and clear and able to be trusted within myself and prove that I will no longer abuse life and walk what is necessary to be walked to restore who we are as the physical manifest within and as our human bodies which gives us here the gift of life itself.

I commit to walk self forgiveness unconditional to stop any point of back chat and secret mind desires so all is investigated within me and I am able to be birthed from the physical as nothing is hidden and life is here as me until it is done.

Key: Physical = Life


life, physical human body, what is the bodies function?, muscles, organs, cells, physical activities, mind, mind control, equality, eqafe, equal money, 2012, desteni, journey to life,

Day 67- Walking the Physical: Hair

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge my hair as too dry and wavy desiring a certain picture perfect look such as what I see in magazines and on the tube. I realize and understand that hair is hair and it's consistency is based on the accumulation of moisture within my body and if I don't drink enough water and give my body enough nutrients my hair will be how it will be based on physical conditions. I commit myself to eat and drink water and nutrients that support my physical in practical consideration of me as equal to the body and in common sense and stop the judgment of what my hair looks and feels like.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire hair that is straight and flat as I see this is what looks nice and I judge my hair as not nice and hard to handle. I realize and see that I am separating myself from my physical through an idea that I want my hair to be a certain way, I realize and understand that my hair is not to be defined nor desired in a specific way but here as me in what it is within and as the physical as the human body expresses.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a desire to be blond haired as I see that I like this look more then brunette as the people look nice and within this I desire to look nice for others to gain attention. I realize and see that hair color makes no difference to who someone is within and as their living and thus to define myself by my hair is a limitation that is really unacceptable as well as defining myself by the way I look which separate me from what is here into the mind which makes stuff up to use for it's own generation of mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself by my hair color as I desire others to notice me, see me as nice looking, and i have a belief that blond haired people get more attention based on this feature of hair color. I realize and understand that this belief is not real and only preoccupying me within and as desires to have attention from others through manipulating by what I look like as an ego drive to be better.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to give in to this desire to manipulate others based on the way I look instead of being here and standing with others in who we are as equals, when and as I go into this form of trying to be someone I am not I realize and see that this is compromising me and just a form of ego to gain something from the other through in this instance using my hair as manipulation. I stop this form of manipulation and accept me for who I am in all that I am here and then walk the change to become equal with the physical as I realize the mind is self separation and compromise, I remain here as breath as this physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to manipulate people to like me through the way my hair looks and thus gain an energy boost of good feelings as I am getting attention from others when others recognize me for the way I look and this I desire the addiction to others attention on me. I realize and see that this action of manipulation through the way I look will in turn only diminish my self standing as I will not be able to trust myself as I will shape and shift myself to please others because I am accepting and allowing this addiction to others attention on me direct me. I realize and see that it's not a point of others acceptance that matters but my own which will truly give me real power as self empowerment where I will stand within who I am as life and not compromise myself to feelings and emotions based on how others see me, but within this will always know were I stand as I will always be here with who I am one and equal with all life. Thus I stop compromising myself to pictures and stand here as breath with the physical equal and one with all life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be addicted to others attention on me based on the fact that I don't see myself good enough and thus am use to using others as reference to define who I am and thus I will use all parts of my body to manipulate others to like me so I can feel better about myself as I am getting the experience I desire as attention and praise from others. I realize and see that this is not real living within and as manipulating others to like me based on the way I look and my body looks so thus I must stop defining myself by my body and the way others see/speak/look at me and thus remain here as breath and walk the physical practical reality as my movements stopping all participation to go into the addictive pattern of self compromise based on no self worth through and as defining myself by pictures and pictures only. I am not pictures, I realize I am everything that exist.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compromise myself based on seeing myself as less than others and thus I have to use my physical body such as my hair to have others see me as worthy and thus completely and entirely self sabotaging myself and  separating myself from my power here where I  in fact am and what is real. I realize my self worth is not in question as who I am is here as life and that all life is worthy no matter what as all life is here, I within my process must stop the definitions of life and stop the judgment of myself and remain here within what is real, what is practical, and walk the acceptance of me here in each and every moment until I am not moved by this point in anyway whatsoever.

I commit myself to stop defining myself by my hair as I see and understand hair is what it is as physical expression of the physical here, and thus it does not define who I am it is me here one and equal as all other life.

I commit to stop manipulating life here within and as the way I use my body and make my body look as I see and understand that this is self compromise and who I am is life not just a picture.

I commit to stop judging myself within definitions of how I should be and accept myself for who I am, walk the process of correction through self writing as self forgiveness, self honesty and thus practical living through self correction, and allow myself to breath here as the physical as who I am and what is real, stopping the addiction to energy and picture stimulation.

self compromise, looks, beauty queen, hair, hairspray, looks, body makeup, hairdesign, equality, eqafe, equal life, journey to life, desteni, 2012, garbriellegoodrow, 

Day 66- Walking the Physical: The Face

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to judge my facial structure were I see my jaws being to big. I realize and see that the structure of the face is based on the dna design from the physicals of my parents and thus is a physical consequence of this and something that allows my face to have form and my body to breath air to live.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge my mouth as big and my lower lip as too much hanging out. I realize and understand this judgment is based on a desire for a certain outcome. Here I see and understand the mouth is for the processing of food and grinding it down to nourish my human physical body and to communicate with life as life thus I stop the desire for a certain outcome as that is diminishing  my capability to live in equality with my physical as I am separating myself into an experience for my own self interest while the physical suffer with limitation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge my ears as too small as I overheard someone saying that people with small ears were born with a deformity or not fully developed so I always judged myself as incomplete and not someone who is at full capacity which I resented my mom for. I see and realize that this rumor was just that a rumor as I can hear fine out of my ears and I am able to hear and understand the direction of life and thus am grateful to be able to hear out of my hears so I can function and live in this world through hearing and understanding.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge my nose as too big as I desire to have a small and straight nose as I have seen my sister have and always desired to have a nose like that. I realize and see that judging nose and desiring a certain nose type is chasing a feeling of experience to get what I desire within and as my own happiness where I can use my face in such a way to attract a man and be happy within being with the man of my dreams. I realize and see that this is all made up bullshit as it is not manifesting any point of support for myself or life here but feeding the mind as desires and keeping me distracted into desires, diminishing myself by judging my physical when my physical has always been here in support unconditionally supporting me here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge my eyes and ugly and not normal looking where I have created such a picture in my mind I have attached the eyes with experience from the past where I was teased and thus blaming my eyes for the pain I felt in that moment. Not realize and seeing that I myself am the one who created the experience of being made fun of as I existed as such equal and one to others where I was the abuser and abuse life to make myself feel good/better then others. I realize and see that judging and blame the physical doesn't make sense and thus diminish me into a lesser version of myself then I have in the potential of who I can be in equality. Thus I commit myself to stand eyes realizing that they are here in unconditional support to help me see the world around me and be able to live and giving me the opportunity to birth myself as life. I stop judging the physical face as it is equal and one to me and here as physical practical purposes to live and allow life to live.

I commit myself to stop judging my eyes, mouth, lips, ears, nose and myself based on desires and ideas, I let go of all ideas and desires I hold to be more and walk as breath to equalize myself with life.

I commit myself to walk as breath in practical common sense with my physical face as well as body and take care of it and nourish it so it can function at its optimal potential and it can live and express here.

I commit to understand and walk with my physical to walk through the indications of pain and release them to thus walk through the systems causing the pain and bring life as the physical in alignment with the physical equal and one and stop the suffering of the physical forevermore.

Day 65- Death by Competition

Competition

Re defining the word competition:

Dictionary Definition:

com·pe·ti·tion

 

noun

1.

the act of competing;  rivalry for supremacy,a prize, etc.: The competition between the twoteams was bitter.

2.

a contest for some prize, honor, oradvantage: Both girls entered the competition.

3.

the rivalry offered by a competitor: The smallmerchant gets powerful competition from the chainstores.

4.

a competitor or competitors: What is yourcompetition offering?

5.

Sociology . rivalry between two or morepersons or groups for an object desired incommon, usually resulting in a victor and aloser but not necessarily involving thedestruction of the latter.

Source: Dictionary.com

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compete with others for a prize of energy as good feeling only seeking and pushing my own self satisfaction while others lose and become defeated. I realize and see that to compete with another is competing with myself, diminishing myself, and creating abuse towards myself because the other is me and lives equal and one to how I would in that moment, not enjoying the competition and pain that is caused with the conflict that is played out within this 'game'.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into a form of possession to get my mind experience as an energy rush of good feelings or feelings of power when I beat another in winning the prize of gaining the most energy and seeing myself more then the 'loser'. I realize and see that all that this is showing me is that I am willing to abuse others and diminish others so I can gain a 'prize' = energy, but within this I gain nothing as I have done it in spite and lost any point of self worth as I have not given equal worth to the other who is in fact me as we are life, but caused them to suffer and causing me to become closer to ceasing to exist as energy dies and life as a competitor ends as the energy I have become will run out = eventually at death.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to spite life and those who are here within and as my self judgement of defining life in terms of competition were I fight to live and based on this acceptance of creating and causing conflict to get an experience as winning as is competing I spite myself as I am the one who will lose as I created the lose when I went into separation towards the other and accepted myself to walk life in ignorance. I realize and see that within this I am not really doing or creating anything that is of use to me as life but becoming a demon within myself as my mind direct me to only seek my own pleasure while others lay in suffering and I walk over them like trash.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be ignorant towards the suffering and abuse of others I am participating in when I participate in the action of competition. I realize and see that life is not in need of competition and abuse, but only the mind walks this as ego as myself as I accept to have my desires met over others well being in equality to me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not consider the well being of another when I go into competition but seek only for my self interest desires to win and get nice feelings within. I realize and understand that I must stop the completion and desire to win and walk equal with all if I want to live in true peace and freedom and become life in the physical as this is only walked within the stopping of abuse and separation of self and walking one and equal with all life for real. 

I commit to stop competition and desire to win, and stand here within and as life as me and walk with side by side in unconditional support and give to another what I would life given to me.

I commit myself to check the ego at the door and not accept and allow myself to go into desires to win by stopping the addiction to power.

I commit to stop all points of separation with others and walk the solution that will be best for all by walking the process to equalize myself with all who is life here. 

Re-defining Competition to live best for all:

Use a point of competition in a giving way were one realize who will be best within a task to support a world that is best for all, this also can be seen within systems that support life in finding the best possible outcome for life in equality and oneness in what is best for all life using a form of competition as measurement to see in reality who will be best suited for the position in all points of equality in all ways. 

Day 64- Taking a Different Approach

Tonight, I was talking to my sister and we were discussing an issue I was having with someone we both know, I was saying that the situation always ends up in the same way, and that I can't see what the deal is. And she said to me to take a different approach to the person/situation and walk with the person in accordance to this new approach. I looked at this point and realized that I never really physically have taken a different approach with much in my world as I see it does take physical effort as well as an awareness and consideration of the other in a more wholeness point of view and how you will in fact change to walk with that other. I saw this as a really cool point, because until now I haven't yet implemented this in my world nor really come to realize the relevance for change with this new consideration within the 'normal' 'mundane' daily tasks and life that I come in to contact with and see I am having the same reactions too over and over again in time. So here I will walk some self forgiveness on the point, and see where and how I can take a different approach, but to note for myself and anyone who is reading this and finds support, it's not to take a different approach within the the point of morality being good/right rather then bad/wrong, but walk within common sense practical consideration of the reality of what is here within my/our world and consider the other in more awareness and care then I have been and see the equality that in fact exist here and always has been between us.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into a situation or communication with another based on the preconceived ideas I hold of them and who I have defined them to be as this hinder my ability to see what is really here within what is being said and cause me to react much more then if I was stable and able to hear(here) what is really being said/physical moved within the situation/communication with the other in my world. I realize and see that to really be here and hear what is being said or moved physically within the other I must look/see/consider in a different way/approach/outlook then I have previously been looking/seeing/considering as I see it's manifesting in consequences that is not one and equal with the other and myself, but creating consequence that is not helpful and cause abuse as it's always done or ends up within friction and conflict.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have preconceived ideas and definitions of another being based on my desire to be the winner and for me to be right so within myself I can gain a feeling of accomplishment for a moment and feed the buildup of energy as anger/anticipation/competition within me when in communication/living within other that is in friction/conflict and release this energy build up on the other or living situation, so I can win and be able to gain the most feeling as good because I won and beat the other, but I realize and see within this scenario of desiring to win/be the best/gain good feelings, I am causing another who in essences is me equal and one to feel less/defeated/abused as I have deliberately created the words and physical movements of my physical body and sentence structure to abuse/diminish the other so I can gain. Thus I realize and see this is not the approach nor acceptance I will allow for myself as I do/would not want this for myself as I realize and see what it is like to lose and it's not enjoyable. So I must break this cycle by taking a different approach to others as life in equality focusing on the breathing of my physical body and not going into the energies to fight back/be the winner/gain feelings, I essentially realize I have to give up the fire to fight and win and the addiction to the energy that is created within the feelings attained when on top and become humble with and as life in gentleness.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to equally exist within the competition play out with the other in my world by participating in the desire to come back from the feeling of lose/diminishment through the others words or movements towards me and take it personal like a personal attack or vendetta that I must retaliate against as I have taken this as a challenge to who I am. Within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to limit myself to a mind energy play out of win/lose with essentially myself eating away at my human physical body as I am in conflict/friction with myself and beating and abusing myself while I gain but a moment of energy as 'good' feeling so I can have the moment of glory within and as my mind and know that I beat another and I am better again for a moment, but realize this has to be sustained thus will never be satisfied thus making me a slave to energy/the mind. I realize and see that within playing this point out of playing into the feeling of being diminished and personally attacked, I must not allow this and take a different approach to walk into the attack and see what can be done within equality, push myself to solve the issue in consideration of the others words and how the other is seeing the point in it's totality and not react to the words/gestures/actions in the moment of conflict. Approach with the starting point of equality and doing what is best for both and really pushing myself each day to implement this within and as my world. I must let go of the desire to compete and win and let go of the desire to gain energy through conflict with others, and realize it's just a trap and it only cause the destruction of myself as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into conflict with others and retaliate towards others based on me not seeing or living the other as myself, seeing the other as the opposition  that I have to figure out and compete with and survive with based on the idea that this way of life is what I know and it's the only way to make it in this world. I realize and see within this that this is just an addiction and a fear of not wanting to push to see what lies on the other side of this addiction where I let it go and live in equality with my 'enemy', walk in the shoes of them, and see that in deed they are living just like me, in fear, in desires, in wants, in needs, and not really seeing past the reality of there mind as energy addiction in the belief that this is the only way to live. I realize and understand who I am within this life equal and one with life here as life/source/substance our origin points and what has always been and will always be, and thus I have the tools within and as me to walk with others and stop the reactions to fight and so walk the solutions to walk a better world with others by considering who they are and only walking what is here in common sense and what is best for the other as well as me in compromise as equal consideration with all involved. I approach each 'enemy' type being within common sense and really strive to walk a new approach that I have not done yet, which consider the other in equality and see what comes of it.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see other life as the 'enemy' and that I have to compete and combat others due to allowing emotions and feelings to possess me and the belief that this is who we are and all we know. I realize and see that emotions and feelings are just forms of energy that move within my body in relation to a certain circumstance, so thus I can and will prepare self to breath through these circumstances where I see and realize they are about to or on the verge of manifesting to conflict, and walk the practical steps I know will be more conducive and supportive to the both of us or the life involved, taking the different approach form mind addiction and possession to life here in equality with my environment and myself within it. Also, I understand and realize that the beliefs that is all that is here is the mind is false as I breath and see what life is in breath here and it's all here for me to see one and equal.

I commit to walk with all life within and as my world in a new and different approach each and every breath as I see a point time looping and the same reactions reoccurring, I push myself to implement breath and equality with my environment and realize that 'I' as Self is the only one here.

I commit to walk as an example for others still stuck within the mind dimensions so life and all points of life within their realizations of self can see and understand from the life that is here that theirs is another way and different approaches to what has always been and what we as a society have defined as 'normal' by walking and living one and equal in common sense practical solutions for what is best for all.

I commit myself to always walk and face myself within self investigation, self writing and self forgiveness through and as all points that don't align with who I am as life in oneness and equality and so I gift myself the opportunity for change and support to trust that I will walk the change as I see self is the key.



taking a different approach, life problems and solutions, solutions to conflict, how to deal with conflict?, how to stop the hate? equality, equal money, equal life, elf, ems, desteni, 2012, journey to life, garbriellegoodrow

Day 63- There is Not Enough Time for Me

Looking at this point where during my day I desire to just have time for me, seeing the responsibilities that I agreed to are too much, and wanting to break free from them so I can enjoy myself. Realizing this mentality and living out is the reason for starvation in this world as we are all searching and desiring for this me time and to live out our own desire for happiness missing the fact that the 'me only' mentality is missing the rest of life as the who I am one and equal with, and within this accept and allowing the suffering and abuse to billions while searching for my happiness in my own bubble world. Life is bigger then just me and my world, I walk to correct this point through self forgiveness. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into this spitefulness towards life and what I am doing within my responsibilities because I feel too busy with points I am working with and desire to have more me time. I realize and understand that whats here to be done is points I have fully accepted to participate in and now are my responsibilities to live them out as I have made a commitment to others and to myself to walk points through to completion as the living word of who I am.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into a feeling of spitefulness towards life and what I am doing due to the desire to have more me time. I realize and understand here that I have more then enough time during my week to relax and get some rest in between the responsibilities I hold.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire more time within my day to hide the fact that I desire not to live up to my responsibilities based on the fact that I see that it's too much and I don't get to enjoy myself as much as I did when I didn't hold as many duties. I realize and understand that this desire to have more time for myself is only based on self interest in desiring certain experiences for my own happiness, but within this I realize I do not accept this type of living in desire as this is only considering myself and not life as a whole. I live and walk into and as the oneness and equality of life and push myself to walk the best of my ability for all and to make this world a place that support all life. I realize and see I can be doing more, so I walk this correction as myself and push myself to do more each and every day.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to waste time with points that are irrelevant to who I am as a being walking what is best for all as I am allowing and accepting the mind indulgence of 'i deserve this' or 'it's only an hour' realizing and seeing that this time usually turns into longer then I anticipated and based on these thoughts of 'i deserve it' and 'it's only an hour' I will justify my actions of wasting time simply because I desire to not do it.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to indulge in the thoughts of 'i deserve this' and 'it's only an hour' when I realize and see that when I start participating in these types of thoughts I am justifying my action to accept resistances and not pushing myself to use my time most effectively in walking what is here to be walked in my daily responsibilities. I realize and understand to be a being who walks to her full potential I must walk equal and one to the physical always in what needs to be done and doing it to the best of my ability in self honest as any point of justification for desire is allowing mind to direct me in self interest, which I understand is separation and abusive to others as myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into self interest and accept the resistances to not do what is necessary to be done within my daily responsibilities and accept and allow the mind to direct me into separation as my own self experience to have nice feelings and be relaxed all the time while in another part of the world a being like me has to work hours upon hours for hardly any pay and suffers daily because they have no resources. I realize and understand that it is my duty as a life being to stand up for those who don't have a voice and are not being supported equal and one as the physical and how it should be for all, and thus I always walk and push through my desires and resistances to have a nice feeling and indulge in just doing nothing because I don't want to do it, this is unacceptable and I push myself always to walk the best I can throughout my days in self honesty and push myself to do what needs to be done and complete my daily tasks so I live the statement 'I am doing my best and pushing myself to live the best I can be'.

I commit myself to stop indulging in thoughts that are self indulgent and in self interest and walk what is necessary each day to push myself to walk the best I can be to support a world that will be best for all.

I commit to stop the mind from directing me into resistances and self interest, and walk in self honesty in the best I can to walk through all points in my daily responsibilities and complete what I set out to complete.

I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to indulge in the mind as thoughts of justification and remain here in the physical to walk what is required and what is here to be walked in practical physical reality stopping the desires to live from my mind for my own self interest.

I commit myself to stop my living for myself and walk the equality of all and stand up and live for the best life for all in all moments of my day no matter where I am.


me time, not enough time, relaxing, self indulgences, spa days, I deserve it, justifying abuse, it's all about me, equality, equal life, equal money, desteni, journey to life, 2012, garbrielle goodrow

Day 62- I Don't Want to Face Myself

The point that is here is a resistance to writing this blog which implies that I am resisting wanting to see myself and show me who I am within the separation I realize I am existing as within and throughout my day as I am having reactions, backchats, and seeing that emotions are directing me. So I had a thought that 'there's nothing to write about' and this is hysterical as this is my hope, that Iam  done, complete, I have transcended, and I am one and equal with life and so there is no writing because I am all set. The reality being that this is far from the case and I am resisting walking myself within this process, resisting the physical movement it takes and will take to walk this process to completion, and the desire to give in to the mind, go to sleep, and just wake up and pretend the world is fine and ok.

This though, I can not do, physically as I will not go into this point of resistance, will not give up on my process, and will not allow myself to fall into desire and ignore the reality of what is here as this world. I have tried to give up and go back to the old me, the smoking, the drinking, the not caring, but within myself is like rocks are in my stomach, I feel sick, and I can not allow myself to walk in ignorance any longer, if physically feels like a weight in my whole body and I see that I can not live in such a way. So I see that it is this process that has to be walked, no matter what is going on in my world, who is in my world, and where I am at within my world, there is no choice in the matter I don't have any other path to walk as I realize that life is being taken away form here, we are destroying ourselves and theres no one that is going to save me but me.

It's not an easy road that is for sure, it's not something that is going to make you feel good and special, quite the opposite, you feel like hell because you become and face the real reality that has always existed here, you are back on this planet earth and where I have to face who I have been within my life. The spitefulness, the neediness, the insecurity, the desire for another to save me, the desire for someone to help me and make me ok, the living for others never even considering who I am within this, the abuse to life and to myself, the hate/anger/sadness. All these points I see are not who I am and do not have to define and direct humanity, we can change, we can become beings who care and walking in unity with each other, it starts with me and my process, I will determine my desteni.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to resist facing myself in writing because I fear that others I know will read this and I will lose my security. I realize and see that I don't have to post in such a way that it will jeopardize my living situation and can write in private the points out that are more personal in nature. I don't have to go into fear as this is just a point of more accumulated separation that I will have to walk through so rather just walk the point in common sense and do not judge myself for the decision I make.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge the decisions I make and see them as not effective and less then others based on comparing myself to others process and judging myself from the past and points that I see that I have made a stupid decision. I realize and see that I can not expect myself to be effective when I am constantly comparing myself to others process, so thus I have to walk this point of slowly stopping and in discipline to stop judgment of myself and who I am and what decisions I make, and thus make the decisions I make in the best possible way I can so that it is giving my best and that is all I can ask of myself, I am not superwomen and I don't have to live up to this idea that I am, I am a being walking her process to life and there is no right or wrong way to walk this but just be myself and walk what is here in self honesty.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge past moments and decisions as stupid because I had a certain expectation of the outcome and when this didn't manifest I judge myself as stupid and did a really terrible thing based on the desire to have the other see me in a certain way and thus I ruined my image with them based on me not seeing this desired outcome manifest. Thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire a certain outcome with a being and thus go into my backchat of assumptions of how the being is judging me and seeing me and thus within this diminishing myself down to a pulp because I don't accept myself and I am looking for the acceptance of others to tell me who I am through making things up in my mind and not facing who I am actually being. I realize and see that when I desire a certain outcome, I am setting myself up for a disappointment as in most cases the outcome is not going to manifest as I want it, and this will always cause depression within me because I wanted something that I didn't get and expected to get. Within this I see that I must stop the desired outcome and expectation and thus this cycle of negative/positive will end based on me not participating in the polarity any longer. Also, I realize and see that stopping the desire for expectation will stop the back chat of assumptions and what will be here is what is here, I will not go into any point of separation into the mind as illusions but live here within physical reality where life is here and I can walk it in equality. I stop the expectation of others and stop the desire to have a certain outcome letting this go and thus letting go of the polarity game of good/bad as well.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself by past experiences and decisions I have made that didn't accumulate to me gaining good feelings so thus I defined myself by these memories of me being bad and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to bring these past moments here and bring myself down by allowing myself to go into the thoughts and ideas of who I am in relation to the event that occurred in my life. I realize and see that I have to let go of these points in the past, let go of the past, as I see and understand the past is gone, it's not something that I have to define myself by, learn from yes, see what is able to be corrected and walk it is cool, but stop holding myself captive to these memories of me living points that weren't effective. But I stop the regret, stop living in the past, and walk here in this moment, free to express myself as I am here in acceptance and care of me as life.

I commit myself to stop the resistance to walking my process in self investigation, self forgiveness, and self corrective application, so I can become a being that is who I say I am and walks the process that is physically required to be walked to correct myself and practice what I have learned to become the living word in real time reality.

I commit to stop comparison and self judgment to see myself for who I am and here within what is here to be walked in clarity not in a point of self definition as mind separations, but allow myself to just be and breath with others. I stop the past and stop defining myself from the past.

I commit to stand here within who I am with others and stop the expectation of certain outcomes, be here in the moment as breath, and direct myself in each moment as it come in self honesty and grow within and as what this living will bring, free expression and freedom in movement from mind traps of illusions.


not worthy, stupid decisions, no one like me, I lost my friends, I have no friends, I wish I was someone else, why is life so hard, equality, equal money, equal life, 2012, desteni, journey to life,

Day 61- Spinning Out of Control

Here looking at points where I feel out of control and were things are chaotic. I see that I am doing this based on fearing lose of something I don't want to lose, within the points recently that have occurred was at work, where I go into spitefulness towards others because they are not following protocol that I am responsible for and thus go into a sense of overwhelmingness due to fearing losing control of my responsibilities and the tasks at hand when points are not going to my liking, which is smooth and in order.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear losing control of my responsibilities due to the desire to have all points in perfection and have all points working flawlessly and when one point is out of sync I get anxious and go into fear. I realize and see that within practical reality all points are not always going to work flawlessly and it will not work to perfection in every moment, thus I must adapt myself and adjust the management to best support the flow of my responsibilities instead of going into fear and anxiety about what is happening to me, direct the point as I am the creator of it instead of it direct me into chaos.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into fear and anxiety when my world does not flow in sync and I allow thoughts come up that I am going to fall behind and go out of control with the organization and work priorities. I realize and see within this that the fear is overstepping my common sense and the reality that is here as the physical where I can stop and breath and slow myself down to find solutions to the issues and use my discipline and diligence to make sure all protocols are adhered to so their is no question in terms of my responsibilities being taken care of and thus always walk the corrections that are necessary to gain resolution.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into thoughts that I am going to fall behind and my work load will go out of control when this is just in my head making it seem more then it really is where it may seem like a lot, but it is in relation to the amount of work coming in and going out, so I can see that in reality the work flow is in relative order. I realize and see that following thoughts and going into fear based on the thoughts will only bring me to more hysteria where I get myself into a panic based on not being able to pinpoint where and what I have to do, but realize the nature of the job is not able to be pinpointed and have everything in order and caught up as it's a constant flow of work coming in and going out, it will never be the perfect looking desk I desire it to be lol.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel out of control and chaotic when my world is not in order and clean meaning in relative order and sleek where points are known and able to be seen from beginning to end and I am in control of all points so I can make sure all points are in order. I realize and see this desire to have full control of what I am doing is unrealistic and is not possible as life is always moving and changing and thus can not be always known and controlled so thus I realize and see that I must put my common sense into play more and use what is here to walk myself into practical reality and making the best possible outcomes I can to maintain order and have things in a relative flow but not expecting perfection and total control as I understand this is not physically possible in this world as life moves and changes and can't be predicted.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become angered and spiteful towards others when I go into the fear and anxiety and thus abuse life based on how I am reacting and thus blaming and lashing out on others for the way I have accepted myself to be. Within this I see that I am allowing separation due to the desire to not have to face what I have created and thus change myself to walk the correction that is necessary to adjust what was not working and creating the anxiety and fear in the first place. Thus I realize and see instead of lashing out on others and blaming them for the way that I am behaving and feeling within myself, I stop and breath and realize what is the steps to walk the correction and push myself to correct the points that are not working. Use my direction and equality with all and make sure the points are sorted to the best of my ability so I give the best opportunity for myself and all involved the points  to work and have an effective change that'll work.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go in moments during my day into resistance to not want to have to move myself and walk the process that it will take to walk through the necessary point of change that are required to be done due to the fact that it's too much and I am too overwhelmed. I realize and see that the resistances is just a postponement and accumulating more consequences as points will just keep adding up and I will be in more of a hole rather then just directing when it's noted and changing it in the moment. I stop the haste and laziness and walk the correction within the moment it is realized or the next moment that is available and push to create the systems that are best and equal for all to prosper and gain from.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have thoughts direct me that the work load is too much and it's too overwhelming. I realize and see these thoughts are not real and only here based on me allowing them to direct me. I see and realize the correction to this thought is to walk each task a step at a time just like process one breath at a time, and push myself to do this on a steady pace and schedule  and little by little the procedures will be created to be more effective and efficient as I walk them in common sense and diligence for what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop hasting and wasting time with fear and anxiety and push myself to walk all my responsibilities in ways that is best for all and correct the points I see aren't working.

I commit myself to stop the desires for perfection and to have all tasks be done flawlessly, but walk what is here in practical reality and push myself to be consistent and diligent with the responsibilities I hold.

I commit myself to push myself to stop the feelings of overwhelming and walk the process step by step in a pace that is comfortable for me to create the necessary changes in a natural way and not forced or done in a fret, just walk it one day at a time and push to stay at a consistent pace until the task are complete and done proficiently.


work, what is this overwhelming feeling inside me, rushed, I need perfection, equality, making systems better, efficency, equal life, equal money, desteni, journey to life, desteni, 2012,