Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Day 71- The Inner Torture of Self Doubt- Ego Rises

Within this point of self doubt where I start to live into it within this feeling of inferiority that comes upon me especially within groups and others, I will then manifest myself in a defense and protection mechanism, where I will go into ego and 'pretend' that I am too cool to talk to others, I don't care about others, and I am just too cool to really put any kind of effort into getting to know others and walking with others. This completely and totally based on the in-fear-ority I am existing as and the hiding I go into to to not have to face the reality of who I am accepting myself to be within this self doubt and fear of being around others.

Within this point of going into the opposite polarity of this point as ego is based on hiding and not desiring to face the person I have become and really allowing fear to take me over, fear of others, and fear of being emotionally hurt by them, I realize that I can only be 'hurt' emotionally if I am emotional, and I realize that emotions is just systems within us, programs actually, created by the mind consciousness system through and as my acceptance of it being real, that indeed it was created as real for me. But who I am I understand is life and life doesn't get emotional about things, life is here and live solutions in equality and oneness in all ways = always.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into a form of superiority as a form of hiding to not have to face myself and how I am accepting myself as fear because I realize what I'll have to do to face this fear and it's to look at how I am being and change myself to walk in equilibrium with myself, and change I see as hard so I resist it. I realize and see that within this fear and then going into the hiding as a form of ego as superiority is only causing more abuse as I am just perpetuating myself through the cycle of low and high were I gain energy off of others and then fall when I am perceiving others within the judgments I am holding on of myself. Thus I must walk the correction of stopping this form of hiding by facing each and every form of judgment and fear that arise with others or with myself and investigate it and walk out the correction through writing and sel forgiveness to give me the base platform for the opportunity to change.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into fear towards others based on the judgments of myself and thus perceiving the life around me in relation to these judgments I am holding and thus projecting my own self judgments onto others seeing and perceiving they are judging me in equal fashion. When I realize and see that this judgment is only and always has been about myself, how I am being within myself and my living with and towards myself, and thus will live out who I am within myself to my external world, which within the self doubt that I am accepting is a limited version of myself in fear and defense mechanism where I am not actually seeing who I am within the moment but only seeing through self judgment where I cause myself to doubt myself and sabotage myself due to the fear I am defining myself by and existing from within and throughout my world. I realize and see that I am not defined by my own mind and self judgments, I have the opportunity here to see them for what they are as fears and self sabotage where I have accepted a false version of myself due to self interest and want to be seen or expected to be treated in a certain way. Within this I understand that to limit life to my own desires and expectations is a form of enslavement of myself as this can never be fufilled and doesn't make sense as this would only be considering myself within ideas and projections of myself and missing the reality that is real and is life here equal and one with all of us within and as each other and thus to stop the enslavement of myself I have to stop the separation of myself from mind ego desires in self interest to life here living with each other in creating solutions and unity within all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to play over scenarios in head head over and over again to formulate and analyze and also create fantasy type play outs where I can create myself as the best I can be, or discover what I missed or what I didn't do within others opinion of me where I could be different next time. Within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to play out mind realities in my mind to create a nice feeling for myself where I can essentially create whatever I want in terms of my mind reality where I can go into detail how I can be better, or what I can to to get others to see me in a different light or a new way, and thus live within my mind more then I am actually living here in reality with others. Making all sorts of dimensions up within my head where I am not really having to take responsibility for myself and change the false living I am living as as self judgment and self doubt and stand here within myself as life and accept myself one and equal with others, and see that I am the other and that we actually have very much many things in common and are basically the same within our beingness in general. I realize and see that within this living within my mind and making up reality within the mind dimensions is causing me to be more lost and out of touch with reality and thus not able to see and take the responsibility need to stop the actions of self judgment and inferiority and thus self doubt when they arise, and so I understand I must stop participating in this mind reality scenarios I exist within and become more practical, more physical, and push to use breath for stability and work more as breath to walk into and as the physical more and more as I walk into this as myself.

I commit myself to stop going into the ego as superiority with others I am feeling inferior with and thus stop this polarity of inferior/superior cycle but exist within who we are as equals walk this as myself, and push myself to live this in each and every moment stopping the mind with my self will.

I commit myself to stop fear and living within the mind as how others are seeing me in this fantasy reality as my perceptions and judgement, but instead I commit to walk here as equals with life living this day to day, helping, caring, and becoming humble with the life around me and myself to become gracefully within my living and give myself back to myself to enjoy myself as life.

I commit to stop the mind reality fantasies and analysis of myself so I can stand with life and as life and trust myself to not abuse myself or others, and thus I stop fueling this abuse of myself by stopping the judgments and the thoughts of this self hatred and walk the self back to living by become the living through my words and actions.

inner torture, ego rising, hell bound, eqafe, inner turmoil, hell, existence, self doubt, why do i doubt myself, equality, eqafe, deeteni, 2012, journey to life,

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