Day 69- The Inner Torture of Self Doubt

Within myself I see that allot of the times during my day, I compromise myself to self doubt, seeing and judging myself as less then what I see as the life around me and questioning what I am doing, if I am doing it right, and how will others judge me. So compromising my self standing based on defining myself by experiences I am having towards others based on energy that is within me as feelings that are due to the polarity I am existing within and thus comparing myself where doubt is seen as I am splitting myself in many different places and thus making less my self power cause I am not here with myself, but in my mind looking for myself out there, which create the doubt because I am nowhere to be found as I am searching all over the place instead of being here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to doubt my decisions within who I am based on defining myself by others and how others are thinking about me. I realize and understand that defining myself by others and others thoughts towards me is not really about the other but the way I am defining myself within myself. So thus I see I must stop my judgments of myself that compromise who I am as equal with all and thus stop my mind from going out there to define me, but be here and just live in each moment. When I go into defining myself within the mind I will create this self doubt as a division is created and I am split within me. Once a body is split, it will always fall, this is true in all facets of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create a specific desire within my mind of how I want to be perceived and when I am not perceived in such a way as desired, I go into a self doubt as to why I wasn't seen in the way I expected as this way is always a bloated way and not in reality. Thus I realize that if I am not within the reality of who I am and in my mind desiring for a fantasy type scenario to happen to me, I will go into doubt as I am not basing myself on who I am within what I am doing, but on ideas, pictures, beliefs in my mind floating around and only being seen within the positive polarity of the desired experience. I must stop this desire for an experience and thus stop playing into the polarity that I have to be seen in a specific way as I realize that when this specific way is not lived out to my liking, I will see myself as unworthy and perpetuate the self doubt as who I am accepting myself to be.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to only live within myself as the polarity outcome of who I expect myself to be ignoring/hiding/pushing away who I am as the opposite polarity not realizing that this ignoring/hiding/pushing away is not supportive to who I can be and will only cause this self doubt within me to accelerate as I am not considering who I am being within what is really here as myself, but only looking at the bright side. I realize and see ignoring myself as the dark will only increase the self doubt within myself as I will not be able to walk the correction to be here in equality as I am unwilling to walk the point out in it's entirety due to fear of what I'll see and within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting self doubt to overcome me as I am seeing within myself who I am being and thus based on my desire and acceptance of only living and pushing to be the best as the positive within my world I am sabotaging myself as I go into doubt as how I am being doesn't correlate with reality in who I really am as the dark and the hidden. I realize that I have to let go of this desire to be the best and only see the positive, and face the entirety of who I am and all that I do, so I know myself and understand myself, and thus have the opportunity to change myself to be a being who is living self honesty thus doubt will cease to exist as who I am is out in the open and here for all to see as me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow fear to direct me to sabotage who I am and create doubt within me based on my beliefs and thoughts about other and how others are seeing/thinking/talking about me and within this desiring to only be seen within and as a certain way, and thus when my reality as others shows me something that is not what I believed myself to be I go into doubt as there is no foundation. I am defining myself by others and thus I will always be unstable because I will never get the answer from others I desire and that will be acceptable to me. I realize and understand that to accept me here I must let go of the mind as beliefs, ideas, thoughts, and projections onto others, and live for me and as me. Standing here within self and walking the process of acceptance by stopping the mind as fear, judgments, thoughts, and ideas. Live in practical reality stopping all energy of the mind to divide me and thus cause the self doubt as I am not whole, but split and fragmented within me causing uncertainty.

I commit myself to stop going into a judgment of myself in the face of others, but let this go and really walk the humbleness of me, acceptance of me, and self care of me so I can stand within myself and live who I am in full awareness and understanding of each move I make, stopping the doubt of who I am and living the being I realize I am.

I commit to stop existing within polarities as positive and negative towards the life around me as myself, and just live within and as my physical body, my physical movements, and walk the process of slowing myself down to see who I am being and stop the division to go into my mind and sabotage me through self doubt and fear in the projection of who I want to be seen as and how are others seeing me, which is not real and only will cause self diminishment.

I commit to stop defining me by my mind and the outside reality, but walk here within and as my own self by realizing that I am all that is here and thus all I can do is walk my correction, build my self trust and self awareness through living my words, and understand myself more and more until all here is known and I remain.


self doubt, I dont know who I am, why am I so low, why am I such a loser, why do i feel so bad, equality, solutions, life issues, equal life, equal money, journey to life, eqafe, desteni, garbriellegoodrow

Day 67- Walking the Physical: Hair

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge my hair as too dry and wavy desiring a certain picture perfect look such as what I see in magazines and on the tube. I realize and understand that hair is hair and it's consistency is based on the accumulation of moisture within my body and if I don't drink enough water and give my body enough nutrients my hair will be how it will be based on physical conditions. I commit myself to eat and drink water and nutrients that support my physical in practical consideration of me as equal to the body and in common sense and stop the judgment of what my hair looks and feels like.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire hair that is straight and flat as I see this is what looks nice and I judge my hair as not nice and hard to handle. I realize and see that I am separating myself from my physical through an idea that I want my hair to be a certain way, I realize and understand that my hair is not to be defined nor desired in a specific way but here as me in what it is within and as the physical as the human body expresses.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a desire to be blond haired as I see that I like this look more then brunette as the people look nice and within this I desire to look nice for others to gain attention. I realize and see that hair color makes no difference to who someone is within and as their living and thus to define myself by my hair is a limitation that is really unacceptable as well as defining myself by the way I look which separate me from what is here into the mind which makes stuff up to use for it's own generation of mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself by my hair color as I desire others to notice me, see me as nice looking, and i have a belief that blond haired people get more attention based on this feature of hair color. I realize and understand that this belief is not real and only preoccupying me within and as desires to have attention from others through manipulating by what I look like as an ego drive to be better.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to give in to this desire to manipulate others based on the way I look instead of being here and standing with others in who we are as equals, when and as I go into this form of trying to be someone I am not I realize and see that this is compromising me and just a form of ego to gain something from the other through in this instance using my hair as manipulation. I stop this form of manipulation and accept me for who I am in all that I am here and then walk the change to become equal with the physical as I realize the mind is self separation and compromise, I remain here as breath as this physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to manipulate people to like me through the way my hair looks and thus gain an energy boost of good feelings as I am getting attention from others when others recognize me for the way I look and this I desire the addiction to others attention on me. I realize and see that this action of manipulation through the way I look will in turn only diminish my self standing as I will not be able to trust myself as I will shape and shift myself to please others because I am accepting and allowing this addiction to others attention on me direct me. I realize and see that it's not a point of others acceptance that matters but my own which will truly give me real power as self empowerment where I will stand within who I am as life and not compromise myself to feelings and emotions based on how others see me, but within this will always know were I stand as I will always be here with who I am one and equal with all life. Thus I stop compromising myself to pictures and stand here as breath with the physical equal and one with all life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be addicted to others attention on me based on the fact that I don't see myself good enough and thus am use to using others as reference to define who I am and thus I will use all parts of my body to manipulate others to like me so I can feel better about myself as I am getting the experience I desire as attention and praise from others. I realize and see that this is not real living within and as manipulating others to like me based on the way I look and my body looks so thus I must stop defining myself by my body and the way others see/speak/look at me and thus remain here as breath and walk the physical practical reality as my movements stopping all participation to go into the addictive pattern of self compromise based on no self worth through and as defining myself by pictures and pictures only. I am not pictures, I realize I am everything that exist.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compromise myself based on seeing myself as less than others and thus I have to use my physical body such as my hair to have others see me as worthy and thus completely and entirely self sabotaging myself and  separating myself from my power here where I  in fact am and what is real. I realize my self worth is not in question as who I am is here as life and that all life is worthy no matter what as all life is here, I within my process must stop the definitions of life and stop the judgment of myself and remain here within what is real, what is practical, and walk the acceptance of me here in each and every moment until I am not moved by this point in anyway whatsoever.

I commit myself to stop defining myself by my hair as I see and understand hair is what it is as physical expression of the physical here, and thus it does not define who I am it is me here one and equal as all other life.

I commit to stop manipulating life here within and as the way I use my body and make my body look as I see and understand that this is self compromise and who I am is life not just a picture.

I commit to stop judging myself within definitions of how I should be and accept myself for who I am, walk the process of correction through self writing as self forgiveness, self honesty and thus practical living through self correction, and allow myself to breath here as the physical as who I am and what is real, stopping the addiction to energy and picture stimulation.

self compromise, looks, beauty queen, hair, hairspray, looks, body makeup, hairdesign, equality, eqafe, equal life, journey to life, desteni, 2012, garbriellegoodrow, 

Day 65- Death by Competition

Competition

Re defining the word competition:

Dictionary Definition:

com·pe·ti·tion

 

noun

1.

the act of competing;  rivalry for supremacy,a prize, etc.: The competition between the twoteams was bitter.

2.

a contest for some prize, honor, oradvantage: Both girls entered the competition.

3.

the rivalry offered by a competitor: The smallmerchant gets powerful competition from the chainstores.

4.

a competitor or competitors: What is yourcompetition offering?

5.

Sociology . rivalry between two or morepersons or groups for an object desired incommon, usually resulting in a victor and aloser but not necessarily involving thedestruction of the latter.

Source: Dictionary.com

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compete with others for a prize of energy as good feeling only seeking and pushing my own self satisfaction while others lose and become defeated. I realize and see that to compete with another is competing with myself, diminishing myself, and creating abuse towards myself because the other is me and lives equal and one to how I would in that moment, not enjoying the competition and pain that is caused with the conflict that is played out within this 'game'.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into a form of possession to get my mind experience as an energy rush of good feelings or feelings of power when I beat another in winning the prize of gaining the most energy and seeing myself more then the 'loser'. I realize and see that all that this is showing me is that I am willing to abuse others and diminish others so I can gain a 'prize' = energy, but within this I gain nothing as I have done it in spite and lost any point of self worth as I have not given equal worth to the other who is in fact me as we are life, but caused them to suffer and causing me to become closer to ceasing to exist as energy dies and life as a competitor ends as the energy I have become will run out = eventually at death.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to spite life and those who are here within and as my self judgement of defining life in terms of competition were I fight to live and based on this acceptance of creating and causing conflict to get an experience as winning as is competing I spite myself as I am the one who will lose as I created the lose when I went into separation towards the other and accepted myself to walk life in ignorance. I realize and see that within this I am not really doing or creating anything that is of use to me as life but becoming a demon within myself as my mind direct me to only seek my own pleasure while others lay in suffering and I walk over them like trash.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be ignorant towards the suffering and abuse of others I am participating in when I participate in the action of competition. I realize and see that life is not in need of competition and abuse, but only the mind walks this as ego as myself as I accept to have my desires met over others well being in equality to me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not consider the well being of another when I go into competition but seek only for my self interest desires to win and get nice feelings within. I realize and understand that I must stop the completion and desire to win and walk equal with all if I want to live in true peace and freedom and become life in the physical as this is only walked within the stopping of abuse and separation of self and walking one and equal with all life for real. 

I commit to stop competition and desire to win, and stand here within and as life as me and walk with side by side in unconditional support and give to another what I would life given to me.

I commit myself to check the ego at the door and not accept and allow myself to go into desires to win by stopping the addiction to power.

I commit to stop all points of separation with others and walk the solution that will be best for all by walking the process to equalize myself with all who is life here. 

Re-defining Competition to live best for all:

Use a point of competition in a giving way were one realize who will be best within a task to support a world that is best for all, this also can be seen within systems that support life in finding the best possible outcome for life in equality and oneness in what is best for all life using a form of competition as measurement to see in reality who will be best suited for the position in all points of equality in all ways. 

Day 64- Taking a Different Approach

Tonight, I was talking to my sister and we were discussing an issue I was having with someone we both know, I was saying that the situation always ends up in the same way, and that I can't see what the deal is. And she said to me to take a different approach to the person/situation and walk with the person in accordance to this new approach. I looked at this point and realized that I never really physically have taken a different approach with much in my world as I see it does take physical effort as well as an awareness and consideration of the other in a more wholeness point of view and how you will in fact change to walk with that other. I saw this as a really cool point, because until now I haven't yet implemented this in my world nor really come to realize the relevance for change with this new consideration within the 'normal' 'mundane' daily tasks and life that I come in to contact with and see I am having the same reactions too over and over again in time. So here I will walk some self forgiveness on the point, and see where and how I can take a different approach, but to note for myself and anyone who is reading this and finds support, it's not to take a different approach within the the point of morality being good/right rather then bad/wrong, but walk within common sense practical consideration of the reality of what is here within my/our world and consider the other in more awareness and care then I have been and see the equality that in fact exist here and always has been between us.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into a situation or communication with another based on the preconceived ideas I hold of them and who I have defined them to be as this hinder my ability to see what is really here within what is being said and cause me to react much more then if I was stable and able to hear(here) what is really being said/physical moved within the situation/communication with the other in my world. I realize and see that to really be here and hear what is being said or moved physically within the other I must look/see/consider in a different way/approach/outlook then I have previously been looking/seeing/considering as I see it's manifesting in consequences that is not one and equal with the other and myself, but creating consequence that is not helpful and cause abuse as it's always done or ends up within friction and conflict.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have preconceived ideas and definitions of another being based on my desire to be the winner and for me to be right so within myself I can gain a feeling of accomplishment for a moment and feed the buildup of energy as anger/anticipation/competition within me when in communication/living within other that is in friction/conflict and release this energy build up on the other or living situation, so I can win and be able to gain the most feeling as good because I won and beat the other, but I realize and see within this scenario of desiring to win/be the best/gain good feelings, I am causing another who in essences is me equal and one to feel less/defeated/abused as I have deliberately created the words and physical movements of my physical body and sentence structure to abuse/diminish the other so I can gain. Thus I realize and see this is not the approach nor acceptance I will allow for myself as I do/would not want this for myself as I realize and see what it is like to lose and it's not enjoyable. So I must break this cycle by taking a different approach to others as life in equality focusing on the breathing of my physical body and not going into the energies to fight back/be the winner/gain feelings, I essentially realize I have to give up the fire to fight and win and the addiction to the energy that is created within the feelings attained when on top and become humble with and as life in gentleness.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to equally exist within the competition play out with the other in my world by participating in the desire to come back from the feeling of lose/diminishment through the others words or movements towards me and take it personal like a personal attack or vendetta that I must retaliate against as I have taken this as a challenge to who I am. Within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to limit myself to a mind energy play out of win/lose with essentially myself eating away at my human physical body as I am in conflict/friction with myself and beating and abusing myself while I gain but a moment of energy as 'good' feeling so I can have the moment of glory within and as my mind and know that I beat another and I am better again for a moment, but realize this has to be sustained thus will never be satisfied thus making me a slave to energy/the mind. I realize and see that within playing this point out of playing into the feeling of being diminished and personally attacked, I must not allow this and take a different approach to walk into the attack and see what can be done within equality, push myself to solve the issue in consideration of the others words and how the other is seeing the point in it's totality and not react to the words/gestures/actions in the moment of conflict. Approach with the starting point of equality and doing what is best for both and really pushing myself each day to implement this within and as my world. I must let go of the desire to compete and win and let go of the desire to gain energy through conflict with others, and realize it's just a trap and it only cause the destruction of myself as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into conflict with others and retaliate towards others based on me not seeing or living the other as myself, seeing the other as the opposition  that I have to figure out and compete with and survive with based on the idea that this way of life is what I know and it's the only way to make it in this world. I realize and see within this that this is just an addiction and a fear of not wanting to push to see what lies on the other side of this addiction where I let it go and live in equality with my 'enemy', walk in the shoes of them, and see that in deed they are living just like me, in fear, in desires, in wants, in needs, and not really seeing past the reality of there mind as energy addiction in the belief that this is the only way to live. I realize and understand who I am within this life equal and one with life here as life/source/substance our origin points and what has always been and will always be, and thus I have the tools within and as me to walk with others and stop the reactions to fight and so walk the solutions to walk a better world with others by considering who they are and only walking what is here in common sense and what is best for the other as well as me in compromise as equal consideration with all involved. I approach each 'enemy' type being within common sense and really strive to walk a new approach that I have not done yet, which consider the other in equality and see what comes of it.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see other life as the 'enemy' and that I have to compete and combat others due to allowing emotions and feelings to possess me and the belief that this is who we are and all we know. I realize and see that emotions and feelings are just forms of energy that move within my body in relation to a certain circumstance, so thus I can and will prepare self to breath through these circumstances where I see and realize they are about to or on the verge of manifesting to conflict, and walk the practical steps I know will be more conducive and supportive to the both of us or the life involved, taking the different approach form mind addiction and possession to life here in equality with my environment and myself within it. Also, I understand and realize that the beliefs that is all that is here is the mind is false as I breath and see what life is in breath here and it's all here for me to see one and equal.

I commit to walk with all life within and as my world in a new and different approach each and every breath as I see a point time looping and the same reactions reoccurring, I push myself to implement breath and equality with my environment and realize that 'I' as Self is the only one here.

I commit to walk as an example for others still stuck within the mind dimensions so life and all points of life within their realizations of self can see and understand from the life that is here that theirs is another way and different approaches to what has always been and what we as a society have defined as 'normal' by walking and living one and equal in common sense practical solutions for what is best for all.

I commit myself to always walk and face myself within self investigation, self writing and self forgiveness through and as all points that don't align with who I am as life in oneness and equality and so I gift myself the opportunity for change and support to trust that I will walk the change as I see self is the key.



taking a different approach, life problems and solutions, solutions to conflict, how to deal with conflict?, how to stop the hate? equality, equal money, equal life, elf, ems, desteni, 2012, journey to life, garbriellegoodrow