Sunday, June 17, 2012

Day 61- Spinning Out of Control

Here looking at points where I feel out of control and were things are chaotic. I see that I am doing this based on fearing lose of something I don't want to lose, within the points recently that have occurred was at work, where I go into spitefulness towards others because they are not following protocol that I am responsible for and thus go into a sense of overwhelmingness due to fearing losing control of my responsibilities and the tasks at hand when points are not going to my liking, which is smooth and in order.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear losing control of my responsibilities due to the desire to have all points in perfection and have all points working flawlessly and when one point is out of sync I get anxious and go into fear. I realize and see that within practical reality all points are not always going to work flawlessly and it will not work to perfection in every moment, thus I must adapt myself and adjust the management to best support the flow of my responsibilities instead of going into fear and anxiety about what is happening to me, direct the point as I am the creator of it instead of it direct me into chaos.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into fear and anxiety when my world does not flow in sync and I allow thoughts come up that I am going to fall behind and go out of control with the organization and work priorities. I realize and see within this that the fear is overstepping my common sense and the reality that is here as the physical where I can stop and breath and slow myself down to find solutions to the issues and use my discipline and diligence to make sure all protocols are adhered to so their is no question in terms of my responsibilities being taken care of and thus always walk the corrections that are necessary to gain resolution.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into thoughts that I am going to fall behind and my work load will go out of control when this is just in my head making it seem more then it really is where it may seem like a lot, but it is in relation to the amount of work coming in and going out, so I can see that in reality the work flow is in relative order. I realize and see that following thoughts and going into fear based on the thoughts will only bring me to more hysteria where I get myself into a panic based on not being able to pinpoint where and what I have to do, but realize the nature of the job is not able to be pinpointed and have everything in order and caught up as it's a constant flow of work coming in and going out, it will never be the perfect looking desk I desire it to be lol.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel out of control and chaotic when my world is not in order and clean meaning in relative order and sleek where points are known and able to be seen from beginning to end and I am in control of all points so I can make sure all points are in order. I realize and see this desire to have full control of what I am doing is unrealistic and is not possible as life is always moving and changing and thus can not be always known and controlled so thus I realize and see that I must put my common sense into play more and use what is here to walk myself into practical reality and making the best possible outcomes I can to maintain order and have things in a relative flow but not expecting perfection and total control as I understand this is not physically possible in this world as life moves and changes and can't be predicted.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become angered and spiteful towards others when I go into the fear and anxiety and thus abuse life based on how I am reacting and thus blaming and lashing out on others for the way I have accepted myself to be. Within this I see that I am allowing separation due to the desire to not have to face what I have created and thus change myself to walk the correction that is necessary to adjust what was not working and creating the anxiety and fear in the first place. Thus I realize and see instead of lashing out on others and blaming them for the way that I am behaving and feeling within myself, I stop and breath and realize what is the steps to walk the correction and push myself to correct the points that are not working. Use my direction and equality with all and make sure the points are sorted to the best of my ability so I give the best opportunity for myself and all involved the points  to work and have an effective change that'll work.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go in moments during my day into resistance to not want to have to move myself and walk the process that it will take to walk through the necessary point of change that are required to be done due to the fact that it's too much and I am too overwhelmed. I realize and see that the resistances is just a postponement and accumulating more consequences as points will just keep adding up and I will be in more of a hole rather then just directing when it's noted and changing it in the moment. I stop the haste and laziness and walk the correction within the moment it is realized or the next moment that is available and push to create the systems that are best and equal for all to prosper and gain from.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have thoughts direct me that the work load is too much and it's too overwhelming. I realize and see these thoughts are not real and only here based on me allowing them to direct me. I see and realize the correction to this thought is to walk each task a step at a time just like process one breath at a time, and push myself to do this on a steady pace and schedule  and little by little the procedures will be created to be more effective and efficient as I walk them in common sense and diligence for what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop hasting and wasting time with fear and anxiety and push myself to walk all my responsibilities in ways that is best for all and correct the points I see aren't working.

I commit myself to stop the desires for perfection and to have all tasks be done flawlessly, but walk what is here in practical reality and push myself to be consistent and diligent with the responsibilities I hold.

I commit myself to push myself to stop the feelings of overwhelming and walk the process step by step in a pace that is comfortable for me to create the necessary changes in a natural way and not forced or done in a fret, just walk it one day at a time and push to stay at a consistent pace until the task are complete and done proficiently.

work, what is this overwhelming feeling inside me, rushed, I need perfection, equality, making systems better, efficency, equal life, equal money, desteni, journey to life, desteni, 2012,

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