Within this point of accepting myself as weak, I see that this is carried from the acceptance of this self doubt within me, it makes sense as within self doubt as I realized in my last post about this point, that it divides self and cause self to lose power within who self is as there is an uncertainty and thus an instability within who I realize myself to be. With others I have seen that I will from accepting this self doubt as me go immediately into inferiority and see myself as the lesser of the group, and I will diminish myself. I will see myself in relation to the group I am with as unworthy, not as cool/popular or not as capable, but this only being assessed within my mind as self judgments and past memories of how I was treated in similar instances in one moment and thus holding onto only its one memory to define me by who I am. So within this point of weakness, it has nothing to do with the group I am with, but who I am being within myself. I am the one holding on to this memory and defining me by it, and thus I am he one sabotaging myself to doubt and separation with the others in the group. I see this doubt and separation is due to me not standing and stopping the addiction to this self loathing and self pity based on this past memory.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto a memory of me being made fun of in front of other classmates when I was younger an being singled out and ostracized due to the stigma that I defined myself and thus lived into with others in my world. I realize and see this self compromise is based on define myself from this past memory and holding myself down based on the belief I held about myself that because I was called out and made fun of then I am not acceptable anymore, I have been tarnished, and thus have lost the perfection idea I was holding of myself with others and now am seen as less then this idea which I could not handle.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto an idea of perfection within my mind and thus had created myself in such a way within my mind and behavior that I was a perfect fit into this idea and thus was able to align myself with other systems and people to survive and gain the acceptance I feared to lose. I realize and see that this point of perfection is based on the idea that I have to be this perfect idea and picture to survive here, to be accepted, and thus be able to know where I stand. I realize and understand that I don't need to survive within and as society norms and thus define me by how others treat me, thus within this I realize that I have to stop the idea that I have to be perfect within myself to have others see me in this way.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto this idea that if I am not absolute within my perfection within who I am and how I am seen by others and thus not seen within the best of all that are there, I see myself as not worthy and thus diminished, and go into anger and blame towards others. Within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold myself within a standard of absoluteness where there is no room for change and thus only living within the delusion of the mind. I realize and understand to hold ideas of how life should be and how I should be seen by others is why this point of public humiliation had to manifest to show me that I am not defined by the idea in my head nor by how others see or call me, but I am the one who is defining me. I am creating this situation by only living within absolutes as polarities to such an extent where the high of being seen within the class as the most popular to a great fall where I was ostracized and made to be an outcast. I see and understand thus scenario played out to show me that I am one and not the other, but both points have to be dealt with and equalize as this is where change is possible and life is possible as i realize in equality where I am not determining myself by how others see me but how I live among others.
I commit to stop the self doubt of myself by stopping the holding on to this memory of me being made fun of and out casted, and realize that this was a gift showing me that I am dividing myself and thus I walk to equalize myself here with myself as the physical.
I commit myself to let go of the idea of i have to be perfect for others, and walking the perfection within my living and physical movement one and equal with all life stopping the separation and living from the physical.
I commit to stop walking within polarities of the mind chasing desires and acceptance of myself, but walk the physical in reality accepting all that is here through accepting myself for how I am and allowing myself the chance for change through walking the process that is here and living it.
to be continued.
torture, life in chains, I am abused, bullying, why do kids bully, what is the effects of bullying, parents guide to child insecurities, equality, equal life, desteni, journey to life, 2012