Monday, June 18, 2012

Day 62- I Don't Want to Face Myself

The point that is here is a resistance to writing this blog which implies that I am resisting wanting to see myself and show me who I am within the separation I realize I am existing as within and throughout my day as I am having reactions, backchats, and seeing that emotions are directing me. So I had a thought that 'there's nothing to write about' and this is hysterical as this is my hope, that Iam  done, complete, I have transcended, and I am one and equal with life and so there is no writing because I am all set. The reality being that this is far from the case and I am resisting walking myself within this process, resisting the physical movement it takes and will take to walk this process to completion, and the desire to give in to the mind, go to sleep, and just wake up and pretend the world is fine and ok.

This though, I can not do, physically as I will not go into this point of resistance, will not give up on my process, and will not allow myself to fall into desire and ignore the reality of what is here as this world. I have tried to give up and go back to the old me, the smoking, the drinking, the not caring, but within myself is like rocks are in my stomach, I feel sick, and I can not allow myself to walk in ignorance any longer, if physically feels like a weight in my whole body and I see that I can not live in such a way. So I see that it is this process that has to be walked, no matter what is going on in my world, who is in my world, and where I am at within my world, there is no choice in the matter I don't have any other path to walk as I realize that life is being taken away form here, we are destroying ourselves and theres no one that is going to save me but me.

It's not an easy road that is for sure, it's not something that is going to make you feel good and special, quite the opposite, you feel like hell because you become and face the real reality that has always existed here, you are back on this planet earth and where I have to face who I have been within my life. The spitefulness, the neediness, the insecurity, the desire for another to save me, the desire for someone to help me and make me ok, the living for others never even considering who I am within this, the abuse to life and to myself, the hate/anger/sadness. All these points I see are not who I am and do not have to define and direct humanity, we can change, we can become beings who care and walking in unity with each other, it starts with me and my process, I will determine my desteni.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to resist facing myself in writing because I fear that others I know will read this and I will lose my security. I realize and see that I don't have to post in such a way that it will jeopardize my living situation and can write in private the points out that are more personal in nature. I don't have to go into fear as this is just a point of more accumulated separation that I will have to walk through so rather just walk the point in common sense and do not judge myself for the decision I make.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge the decisions I make and see them as not effective and less then others based on comparing myself to others process and judging myself from the past and points that I see that I have made a stupid decision. I realize and see that I can not expect myself to be effective when I am constantly comparing myself to others process, so thus I have to walk this point of slowly stopping and in discipline to stop judgment of myself and who I am and what decisions I make, and thus make the decisions I make in the best possible way I can so that it is giving my best and that is all I can ask of myself, I am not superwomen and I don't have to live up to this idea that I am, I am a being walking her process to life and there is no right or wrong way to walk this but just be myself and walk what is here in self honesty.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge past moments and decisions as stupid because I had a certain expectation of the outcome and when this didn't manifest I judge myself as stupid and did a really terrible thing based on the desire to have the other see me in a certain way and thus I ruined my image with them based on me not seeing this desired outcome manifest. Thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire a certain outcome with a being and thus go into my backchat of assumptions of how the being is judging me and seeing me and thus within this diminishing myself down to a pulp because I don't accept myself and I am looking for the acceptance of others to tell me who I am through making things up in my mind and not facing who I am actually being. I realize and see that when I desire a certain outcome, I am setting myself up for a disappointment as in most cases the outcome is not going to manifest as I want it, and this will always cause depression within me because I wanted something that I didn't get and expected to get. Within this I see that I must stop the desired outcome and expectation and thus this cycle of negative/positive will end based on me not participating in the polarity any longer. Also, I realize and see that stopping the desire for expectation will stop the back chat of assumptions and what will be here is what is here, I will not go into any point of separation into the mind as illusions but live here within physical reality where life is here and I can walk it in equality. I stop the expectation of others and stop the desire to have a certain outcome letting this go and thus letting go of the polarity game of good/bad as well.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself by past experiences and decisions I have made that didn't accumulate to me gaining good feelings so thus I defined myself by these memories of me being bad and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to bring these past moments here and bring myself down by allowing myself to go into the thoughts and ideas of who I am in relation to the event that occurred in my life. I realize and see that I have to let go of these points in the past, let go of the past, as I see and understand the past is gone, it's not something that I have to define myself by, learn from yes, see what is able to be corrected and walk it is cool, but stop holding myself captive to these memories of me living points that weren't effective. But I stop the regret, stop living in the past, and walk here in this moment, free to express myself as I am here in acceptance and care of me as life.

I commit myself to stop the resistance to walking my process in self investigation, self forgiveness, and self corrective application, so I can become a being that is who I say I am and walks the process that is physically required to be walked to correct myself and practice what I have learned to become the living word in real time reality.

I commit to stop comparison and self judgment to see myself for who I am and here within what is here to be walked in clarity not in a point of self definition as mind separations, but allow myself to just be and breath with others. I stop the past and stop defining myself from the past.

I commit to stand here within who I am with others and stop the expectation of certain outcomes, be here in the moment as breath, and direct myself in each moment as it come in self honesty and grow within and as what this living will bring, free expression and freedom in movement from mind traps of illusions.

not worthy, stupid decisions, no one like me, I lost my friends, I have no friends, I wish I was someone else, why is life so hard, equality, equal money, equal life, 2012, desteni, journey to life,

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