Day 305 – Why is it so hard to keep to Commitments?

So at the beginning of the month I have placed a set of simple commitments to keep for the month to test my standing within myself and my self discipline, and I am not satisfied of the results. I see that I have kept to the commitments in terms of the one’s that I can do, but the one’s that require extra effort, coordination, and physical movement to get done, I still allow justification and simply just not pushing through to do it. So I am looking at the point of why is it so hard to keep commitments or why am I failing to keep the commitments I make?

For me it’s been a point of pushing through the desire to do other things, to rest, to relax, to not have to go into the point of study, research, phsyical movement to get things done, and also the backchat is there of ‘I am not smart enough anyway, I will not make anything of value, people don’t read my stuff or watch my videos, it’s not worth it’. So I allow this point to accumulate within my mind where it feels like I am walking up a steep hill, but it's really a point of sabatoge as I am not really doing this for myself, but for others impressions of me, defining myself by others outlooks on me, and seeing me as ok or not based on this. So there is no self care nor respect being built within these commitments as I commit myself to them because I am leaving me out of the equation always, only looking at how I will look to others, and thus diminishing my effectiveness and potential to be the best I can be which takes a full focus and a commitment to self completely and really living this. So I am commiting myself to walk this point of self acceptance, self respect, and self dignity for myself until I am satisfied that I am here and not living for others, and then I will walk other points. If self is not here, then this will never work.

Some other points I have realized on falling on commitments is that this absolute commitment is a process to get to. I find if I go and commit cold turkey without walking a process of understanding, discovering my temptations within the commitments, where I am weak and where I am strong, and walking the process of change, I will fall because it’s nearly impossible just to stop something cold turkey, it will take effort and a process of reprogramming to walk it into a stopping. It’s the point of understanding that is key I have found, why I desire to sit and resist doing my work, why I see myself as inferior, and so I can start to implement this point of understanding in my world. I have to walk the babysteps of such a point of changing my nature for instance into instability to stability through working with little points, small commitments that is done in self honesty, and then walk bigger and bigger ones. This creates the expansion needed within self to really understand yourself and understand how to change by understanding the why it needs to change first, all a process, but all doable

Also another point is I find it more a point of I am allowing my mind to direct me into the huge range of thoughts and emotions that go along with them into a point of giving up and giving in where I will easily say ok, fuck, it's too much work, I just can't do it, and will give in at the exact time I have to push through and not give into the resistances. So it's more a point of just pushing through these moments and continue to stop participating in these mind conversations, and as i do this it becomes easier to walk through the point in the future. So it's like a point of constant application and reapplication until it sticks, and I am able to direct myself. But there does come a time where it is too much falling, and I continue to allow it without change, this is the point that I am flag pointing, and will push until I have cleared it in all the commitments that I walk for myself in self responsibility and committing to change for life. It's a point of living it as a natural expression, where it require no thinking, no resistance, but a simple living in what is best, a state such as this does exist, it's a commitment to walk and receive the fruits of this labor as life in the physical equal and one to self. Something unimaginable at this time, but probably the coolest point I have ever understood.

I leave with a cool and inspiring quote that sums this point up quite well by Lao Tzu-

“Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power.”

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Day 304 – Self Judgment – Comparison Memory Breakdown – Money – “My money is better then your money”

Check out this blog for reference of this portion below:
Day 299 – Self Judgment – Comparisons – Money Memories

“when I got my first car, I identified it with the brand as jeep and saw that I am in a cool car as this is an expensive brand and car, so I can been seen as elite, more worthy, and high class with this symbol as the car I drove as someone who has money even though I hardly had money, but wanted to give off the impression to others that I had money cause i associated money with acceptability.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the brand of something with the idea of myself as someone acceptable and cool because I could essentially afford this car because I was driving around in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that who I am is an idea in my head as someone driving a nice car and thus get an energy attachment as feeling more important then others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach this idea in my head as a picture of driving a nice car to me as being superior and important, and thus desire this through getting these nice cars so I can feel important and superior in these cars over those who have cheap cars.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others based on what cars we drive and thus induce a point of polarity of better/worse based on the idea in my mind of what the symbol represents to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base who I am on what I have as symbols and brands and thus separate myself from others and abuse life based on this idea that I am cooler then others because I have the right symbols.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge symbols as cars in this case to see where I stand, and thus I forgive myself to define myself by external things searching for who I am, when I realize I am here in my body and can define who I am based on my living in equality with others not in polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be more then others based on not seeingmyself worthy for having cars that are not this and judging them and me as not as good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and others as not good if they have a car that is not expensive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see people based on the things around them, what they have, and not here within equal consideration of myself in seeing them as a person living here and not defined by anything or any idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and compare life to be more then others and fuel my ego of feeling superior.

When and as I see myself go into this point of defining and judging what people have and what I have in stuff, I stop and breath, and realize that this only create a point of self compromise and separation with me and the life around me because I am not seeing clearly but only seeing where I can win. I realize this create abuse and me to live within polarities which is not equal.

I commit myself to let go of the comparison and judgments of what is here as stuff and push to practically see what is here and what it will be bested used for.

I commit myself to let go of my mind ideas as what is good and what is bad through desire and walk the point of the physical purpose, it’s use, and if it will function correctly at the time of use.

I commit myself to embrace others as well as embrace me and accept self for who ia m as how I live and stop defining due to a desire to be more.

I commit to walk my ego into correction as equalizing it and stop the point of mind control in seeing life in self interest.

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Day 303 – Self Judgment – Comparison Memory Breakdown – Money – ‘We are NOT shopping there’

Check out this blog for reference of this portion below:
Day 299 – Self Judgment – Comparisons – Money Memories

“shopping at ames and bradleys which were stores that were cheaper in price and my sisters use to make fun of my mom for going there, and so I from that perspective saw it as a cheap and like not cool place to shop, so saw us as ‘low-class’ for shopping at these places for clothes and thus didn’t want to be associated with the name of these stores nor buying clothes from them and wearing them around my friends in more the older childhood like 5th-6th grade on.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the clothes we wear based on the store it was bought from and the name brand, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seewhere people buy things is a status of who they are as either high class or low class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself wanting only to be associated with the high class stores and clothes because within me it gives me a sense of importance and status over others because I could afford those clothes, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only define myself and others based on the symbols of the clothes they wear and thus create an idea in my mindabout them based on my idea of the symbols I have created within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself within this idea of symbols and that some symbols are better then others, and thus from this idea judge others and treat others in how I judged these symbols.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea in my mind of symbols being better then other symbols based on believing what the media said such as this makes you more important and higher status cause you are able to earn the money to get these things, and thus you are more important and valuable then those that can’t afford such symbols.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea that symbols represent life and who someone is, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who a person is is based on what symbols they buy and what I judge as who they are as inferior or superior to me based on the symbols they can afford.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself and believe that those who are able to buy certain things are more valuable because they have more money and thus were able to get that money, and those who can’t get those symbols aren’t worth as much because they are not good at getting money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my relationship with others based on my perceived definitions of value based on symbols that one wear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another and treat another any differently then I would want for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed symbols to direct me into separating and compromising myequality with others believing this is real, when in fact these are not real, but made up, and what matters is not what the symbol represent as the being, but what it’s purposes in creating life in the best way possible is as I realize what is valuable and thus equal within all is the life that live, and thus this is the only value that is real and thus should be honored and respected within all and thus given equal support for all to have the support all need to live in dignity as this is what I would want for myself.

When and as I see myself go into any point of judgment of a symbol on any point of the physical and judge it as more or less based on ideas within myself, I stop and breath, and realize that this is a programmed behavior of status desires to be more and thus I see, realize, and understand I am compromising my self integrity by judging others in any way as more or less then me.

I commit myself to investigate all symbols I judge as bad or good, and thus purify them through self forgiveness, self correction, and living the correction in my world.

I commit myself to breath through all judgments and release the memory of energy as being superior or inferior until I am stable within it and can direct myself in equality with the physical.

I commit to support all life here regardless of any point of difference of physical picture/image, and treat others as I would like to be treated always.

I commit to breath through the desire to judge and release the energy through my feet and into the earth to practice stability in these moments of energy activation, such as when I see a symbol and react to it.

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Day 302 – Self Judgment – Comparison Memory Breakdown – Money – “I am more rich then you’

Check out this blog for reference of this portion below:
Day 299 – Self Judgment – Comparisons – Money Memories

“we always got on weekends and in summer like treats, ice cream, mcdonalds, and things that cost ‘money’, and so I would see myself as better and more worthy then these particular friends I hung out with, who hardly ever got these types of ‘treats’, but desired it, it’s not that they couldn’t afford it but just didn’t get it a lot, and I equated this to them having less money then us, so judged us as better cause we got treats and they didn’t.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate treats and things I desired in my childhood with money and seeing if we got this in our lives the treats, entertainment, shiny gadgets, then we were better and more worthy then those that didn’t get it such in this instance with this memory our friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare what we had with others and determine within the material accumulation of stuff they had and I had as we are more then them or less then them and base how I will treat them and treat myself and see them and see myself base don this point of comparison asinferior = they have more accumulation or superior = we had more accumulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this memory when around these friends and gain an energy of satisfaction as supremacy towards them where I see that we are better, had more fun, and thus had a better experiences then them, and thus see me and my family/crew as privileged or better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become egotistical in seeing within myself as more then others and treating others as less then me in my behavior towards them because I held onto this memory of what we had as more and they had less, and thus they are less well off and not so great.

Interesting here within walking out this self forgiveness to this memory, which I haven’t ever really looked at or faced, and seeing the absolute illusionary and rather infantile assumptions, assessments, and actions of separation and elitism that was playing out and still to this day I see I exist in these patterns. This due to a comparison of material possessions and judging myself according to that comparison as more or less to others, when this in no way define's who we are in reality here, as we are all equal in fact as we are all life. Fascinating what we define ourselves from and how limiting it really is with out any awareness on a real level of what we are actually doing day in and day out, we just live into it as if it is who we are, when this is a very limited and brutal form of who we are as we are seeing playout everywhere in this world as conflict and absolute suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and others within the relationship I fostered with them to be about separation and illusion as ego within trying to be more then others and gain a more heightened state of importance within myself due to this judgment of others and myself in what we have, but really compromising the opportunity and potential I have here to walk in equality with others and live in ways that will bring this about in our living realities in what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a judgment and comparisons based on material possessions and the accumulation of stuff, and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize the self within all that is here and the reality of the reasons things are here not to serve the ego, but to serve and thus be honored equally within all as life in all it’s forms.

When and as I see that I am going into a point of judging another through comparison of what they have and how much stuff there is there, I stop and breath, and realize that this way of living will only create a point of self compromise as I will miss the reality of what is here and the opportunity for equality, and thus seek and live into ego and thus the separation of myself as life and live within conflict and abuse.

I commit myself to move through this memory in letting it go as a point of learning to see that comparison and judgment lead not to what is best, but compromise.

I commit myself to accept all within my environment in all forms and means, and realize we are all equal here as the flesh and thus walk the self integrity of who I am as life within this realization and living within my world.

I commit myself to walk the equal money system research and spreading of the message so we can create an equal, fair, and balance platform for all goods and services to be honored and respected within sustenance and understanding that we are all one.

I commit to let go of my ego when it arise to be more as I let go of the desire to get more, I move into living within what is here and what will support me in each moment to walk my process and become effective within what I am doing and my purpose in this world as I direct myself within and as.

I commit myself to stop all judgment and comparison of others and breath through the energy to judge as I put myself in there shoes and realize that we are equal and continue to walk this until I am it as my living expression.

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Day 301 – Self Judgment – Comparison Memory Breakdown – ‘nice cars’

Check out this blog for reference of this portion below:
Day 299 – Self Judgment – Comparisons – Money Memories

“my cousins always got really cool nice cars, like the new fancy ones, that I desired for us to have, we always had the old used cars and never anything fancy and new. If we did get one fairly new, it was always a year or two old. I resented my parents for this because they didn’t really care to pay that much for a car, and I wanted one that was new and cool to impress others and show that we had a lot of money.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I was and the people around me and who I interacted with in my environment based on what they had, specifically within this Memory based on what car they had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the car with the symbol of wealth and status of a person, and one that I have defined as new and cool through the symbol representation on the car, I define the person in this same definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then define and treat the other within the limitationthat I had defined them within as a polarity within myself as either inferior to me or superior to me based on what symbol they rode around in and I had to compete with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of awe with people that had really high status symbols of cars such as mercedes or bmw and thus see these people as more then me, and thus imagine how awesome there life was and how lame mine was cause I was not able to have the money to buy all these nice things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an imagination within my mind about peoples lives based on the material things they had and thus see them as a point of awe and desire to be like them if they had an expensive and high status symbol car or if they had a less expensive and run down, less status car, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others based on what someone drove around in as if this defines a totality of a being and in fact has any relevance to who they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then create resentment and anger towards my parents because they always bought cars where I could not impress those who I desired to be and thus be around as the more wealthier people, and thus created this point judgment towards my parents because I wanted money to make me happier and buy things I desired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life about money and what I could buy as I was addicted to becoming entertained and did not care about much but this.

When and as I see myself go into a point of Comparison and desire for a certain symbol or brand of something, I stop and breath, and realize that I am access a point of ego and self interest, and this is a flag point for me to stop my participation in what I am doing, and check myself to see my starting point. And thus I realize I have to change myself and my starting point to stand for what is best for all and what is real, and stop all the mind points of comparison, judgment, and desire as these are not real and cause separation with the life that is here equal to me.

I commit myself to when I see I go into a point of desire for a material thing, breath and focus on the point of the physical, what I am accepting and change in that moment to live what is best for all involved.

I commit myself to walk the point of seeing the physical for what it is and living within common sense and simplistically in what it is I require to live until an equal money system has been created where life and the system of life is fair and equal for all.

I commit myself to let go of the memories of desires for nice things such as cars and live within a point of self movement, living from the physical in what is practical and something that makes sense, not pushing for afeeling but living from reality.

I commit myself to stop the points of imagination through focusing on my breathing and bringing myself back to awareness through the breath as myself as I move myself within my body. Until I am clear and able to in a moment stop this point of imagination and thinking within self direction.

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Day 300 – Self Judgment – Comparison Memory Breakdown - Money – ‘Rich Friend’

Check out this blog for reference of this portion below:

Day 299 – Self Judgment – Comparisons – Money Memories

“my friend in school, I went to her house, she had the same amount of kids in her family as us, but her house was really big and she had this gigantic tv that fit her whole wall, I was amazed and in that moment compared myself/family to hers and saw us as less able to buy these things like this huge tv which I desired, and so got depressed cause we couldn’t afford such things that I really wanted and saw would be really cool to have.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my friends family because of the tv they had in there house and the size of their house, and see my family and thus me as less worthy due to this belief that those who have money have more power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have money and the family that I was with to have money so I could be seen by others as powerful and worthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this memory of seeing our family as less then my friends and holding onto the belief that we will never be able to have everything we want because we don’t have a lot of money, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care about having money so I could buy things I desired and be entertained while not caring how or to what ends this was met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about the amount of work and how the people around me where in there beingness, but only caring about impressing others around me to show we had money and thus worth, and getting what I wanted as entertainment through money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my friend as superior to me because her family had more stuff and thus more money then our family based on what we had for things, and thus saw myself asinferior and less then her because I couldn’t match up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my friend and thus judge us based on money value and what we have when within this I realize is not a fair system nor a real point of value, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a separation with my friend based on desire and judgment, and thus change my demeanor towards her because now I was intimidated.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to change my demeanor with my friend as intimidated based on feeling inferior to her because I compared our stuff and saw she had more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow feelings as inferior and desires direct me into compromising the life that is here between my friend and I, and thus miss the opportunity for self enjoyment and expansion with another in equality.

When and as I see that I am going into a point of judgment another and comparing myself to another based on what they have in monetary value, I stop and breath, and realize that this is only going to cause separation ascompetition and judgment, and thus disempower me and divide the opportunity here of life expression between us.

I commit myself to see life here for what it is in it’s purpose, letting go of what things are worth, and thus use products within common sense.

I commit myself to stop defining myself by my products and what I have, and focus on living my life in the best it can be, focus on doing rather then having.

I commit myself to stop judging me and others based on our monetary stuff and value, and work towards anequal money system where all are valued equally.

I commit myself to breath through all feelings releasing them as a directive force within me, and I direct myself in the best outcome I have gathered through my own common sense.

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Day 299 – Self Judgment – Comparisons – Money Memories

Here looking at the comparisons I have made in my life within money, I am going to bring up some memories I have within me pertaining to this point, and will write out self forgiveness and self corrections for each one.

-my friend in school, I went to her house, she had the same amount of kids in her family as us, but her house was really big and she had this gigantic tv that fit her whole wall, I was amazed and in that moment compared myself/family to hers and saw us as less able to buy these things like this huge tv which I desired, and so got depressed cause we couldn’t afford such things that I really wanted and saw would be really cool to have.

-my cousins always got really cool nice cars, like the new fancy ones, that I desired for us to have, we always had the old used cars and never anything fancy and new. If we did get one fairly new, it was always a year or two old. I resented my parents for this because they didn’t really care to pay that much for a car, and I wanted one that was new and cool to impress others and show that we had a lot of money.

-we always got on weekends and in summer like treats, ice cream, mcdonalds, and things that cost ‘money’, and so I would see myself as better and more worthy then these particular friends I hung out with, who hardly ever got these types of ‘treats’, but desired it, it’s not that they couldn’t afford it but just didn’t get it a lot, and I equated this to them having less money then us, so judged us as better cause we got treats and they didn’t.

-shopping at ames and bradleys which were stores that were cheaper in price and my sisters use to make fun of my mom for going there, and so I from that perspective saw it as a cheap and like not cool place to shop, so saw us as ‘low-class’ for shopping at these places for clothes and thus didn’t want to be associated with the name of these stores nor buying clothes from them and wearing them around my friends in more the older childhood like 5th-6th grade on.

-when I got my first car, I identified it with the brand as jeep and saw that I am in a cool car as this is an expensive brand and car, so I can been seen as elite, more worthy, and high class with this symbol as the car i drove as someone who has money even though I hardly had money, but wanted to give off the impression to others that I had money cause i associated money with acceptablity.

Here is plenty for now for this point of walking the self forgiveness and self corrections within the point of comparison, self judgment, and money. Will continue in the next blogs walking each memory one by one.

Gracias!

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