Going to a job everyday in the same location, seeing the same people, it get’s to be a place where you can really see who you are as the environment never changes and things repeat more often then not. The environment meaning in close proximity to many different people pretty much all day long. And everyday or every cycle shall I call it I see myself going into the same types of thoughts, the same types of ‘moods’, and acting in the same or very similar ways in my behavior and speech. It becomes very repetitive the day in and day out at the same location and again with the same faces as well as the same self that I walk around with everyday.
Obviously as can be seen with the title of my blog, I am on a journey to birth myself as life, so I am now more and more becoming aware of my behaviors, my thoughts in relation to others and myself, the nature of these thoughts, the energy involved within these thoughts, the personalities I go into in when different environmental changes or stimulus coming in to play or leave. There is a lot going on within me, though again it is very cyclical in it’s nature meaning I see the same types of thoughts, energies, reactions coming up, and overall it is not to the benefit of myself nor others. So having said this, I am finding that there is this urge that has started to emerge within me after I have been walking this process for more then 5 years now. Although, I indeed have proven to myself I am able to change and that I have the capacity to change, I am finding at this stage I am now within walking the mind layers I am at, I am becoming more and more reactive at myself and my environment around me (which is mirroring me, so still seeing self) that I am not moving fast enough, I am not showing enough progress, I am not changing quick enough, my environment is not moving in the direction that I see it should, I am not who I think I am as a person that is leading my own process, self directed, and able to do any and all things.
Of course this is a idea of myself I have created and projected onto my reality and myself, and the frustration I am sensing and starting to more and more react within is due to this idea I have created about myself and my reality in moving a specific way and within that creating the experience within myself as lacking something, where I am not quick enough, I am not doing enough, and my environment is not stable enough. This causing blame and anger within me which I am pushing onto my outer world, this is causing more and more consequences as it continues to be done without direction or a solution.
I have realized that within walking this process there is no right or wrong way to do it as well as there is no specific idea or belief of how it should be or how I should be moving within it, I also see that what is steaming from this frustration and anger is the fear of not making it in this process, not changing myself in such a way that I will be satisfied with myself as well as stable in reality, I am afraid that I will waste my opportunity I have been given and miss out on the life that is to come. So within my self now, I am in this constant state of anxiety and imaginations that I need to be doing this and that, I need to have progressed in this sort of way, I need to prove this about who I am, ect. This showing that I was not really progressing or excelling in the way in which I created about myself otherwise I would not be reacting, I would be stable. I realize I have been in self interest, out to make myself look like I am excelling, look like I am progressing, but was I being self honest within this? I would have to say within this aspect, no, I was doing it for others, I was doing it for attention, I was doing it for self acceptance, I was doing it to experience myself as worthy, and so I have created this experience within me now that I am in a survival situation and this is not what walking this process is about.
So here further, I will walk the tools of self forgiveness and self correction on these points I have brought up here of how I have experienced myself lately in my process and how I will walk the correction process to find solutions for myself, and so help others who may see support in this sharing as well.
Thanks for reading.
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