--Consequence-- day 12

--Consequence-- 

Consequence, a dread hangs over me, a fear so deep i can not sleep 

Sleep becoming tough as i find my will is shakened

in the face of this beast i have made my bed forsaken

I don't know why i was so foolish and lacked common sense, 

the sense of the (wo)man that have no life friends 

why harm life in such ways to build such an army 

an army of my demons there here and they found me 

the demons is myself as my thoughts, feelings, and emotions 

the mind as the enemy oh no that has always been my homie 

so good and so glad when all was going well, 

but when consequence came a knocking, i knew it was going to be hell 

though this is not the fate of all, oh no, there is courage 

the courage to face self where we are called, oh let's hurry 

called by life itself 

no more games no more playing, time to strap my boots on and build that will 

brick by brick, word by word, step by step 

self forgiveness is here and will be our sure siren 

sirening us to move and take action before it's too late 

consequence is here, sorry death is no escape

Solitary Confinement – The Ills of Our Creation - Day 479

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I listened to the interview by Sunette on the horrors of what happens when someone is locked away in solitary confinement, how the mind activates and becomes accentuated because there is no other stimulus beside yourself and so in essence what one is thinking. I can relate to the way in which the person spoke in this interview in realizing the tremendous confusion and fear that can be created within one’s mind especially if there is no help or support within one’s reach. I of course can’t relate completely as I have never been in solitary confinement, but within my own mind and where I have been at my lowest, I can only imagine how bad it can be.

The mind can create really any scenario if one allows themselves to participate within the thoughts, for example, the thought of believing oneself to be dirty. In one’s mind, they see dirt on their skin, the clean it off, but still the thoughts come that they are dirty, so they see dirt and bacteria and microscopic bugs all over their skin, to everyone else around them it is clean skin, normal looking, nothing dirty to be seen. Inside the person having this ‘delusion’ the dirt is there, they can feel it, they can even see it, so they scrub their skin, the scrub and scrub and scrub until they make themselves bleed. The mind can if one is not grounded in reality by living and walking with activities and living beings here each moment, get lost as the mind can take one to more and more dimensions, deeper and more complex, this is what it lives off of, it is feeding off the energy these thoughts are creating. We all in some degree or another can relate to the scenario of the mind taking us places that is so out of this world and not where we wanted to go or exist within, but it feels as though there is no way out, this is all there is. But this is not all there is, there is life beyond the mind and this life exist within all living beings on this planet. There are tools to support one to go from the mind dimensions to physical reality grounded in what is real. This process along with the tools to bring one to self awareness is being walked by the desteni I process, so it is possible to direct one’s mind, free oneself from these mind constructs of illusion that can be created, and move into a stability within one’s living through directing oneself in one’s world and reality. The tools are here and it’s being walked by many.

In a world that is best for all, which is my starting point always, solitary confinement is a scenario which is unnecessary and rather abusive and unhealthy. The person who ends up in such a scenario is not benefiting or having any chance of rehabilitation within such conditions as even though the did harm onto others to get in that position, the act of forgiveness and self change should be available to all who are willing. Though I agree that a rehabilitation process should for sure be enacted with restraints dependent on the state of the delusion one is in to ensure the safety of others as well as themselves, this to be determined and understood with more real time feedback when a new system is in place that cares for life equally, which is the only scenario where the starting point of what is best for all is able to be fulfilled. Though I don’t see solitary confinement as a solution as it leaves the person in their own delusions and without any tools or support, it is creating more consequence within the person and within the environment they will end up in eventually or will cause death which should also be avoided as best as possible.

The structure of the prison system in general is a barbaric one where we lock people away as a point of out of sight out of mind, not recognizing or taking responsibility as a whole for why the person is there in the first place and having any care for the forgiveness and change that is possible for each one that is willing. The option and process should always be available to all to walk, where the facilitation of each person in prison or not should have access to, and support to learn and understand who they are as life and that the potential for the highest expression exist within all in the living principles of self honesty, self forgiveness, self change, and living what is best for all. Solitary confinement has no purpose in this regard, but to lock away a ‘problem’ that we in the end are all responsible for and in reality are equal and one with. We must stop locking our problems away, but face them, forgive them, and change ourselves to create solutions so we can change this world from a prison planet to the potential that exist here where all are living within a way that is self honest and best for all life in all ways.

Check Out these Awesome supportive sites:
Desteni I Process Lite - Free Course to Start your Journey to Life
Journey to Life Group - On Facebook
Desteni Wiki - For All Things Desteni Related
Desteni Forum - Share your Self with Other Walking This Process
Destonian Social Network
Self and Living Store
Eqafe - Self Perfection Support
Equal Life Foundation - Site

Day 313 - What the Hell am I doing?

So I am here on the desteni farm, and just being here for a few days, I am already seeing much support and thus much change within myself. One of the main changes I am focusing on is stopping the backchat about judging myself. I have now gone through quite a process of writing to get to this point of being ready to physically walk this change, of course, it just takes a decision and sticking to this decision in every moment of breath, but for a long while, I realized that I used my backchat to stay within my accepted and allowed limitation of trying to be seen as someone who is more then others because i judged myself as inferior. This in a subtle way, like desiring people to think I am cool, wanting to be around me, and thus obviously within myself I am creating these same expectations of others immediately causing a polarity separation with me and my environment meaning there is a conflict of interest as the interest always should be what is best for all, but with this split, I am only looking what will be best for me causing the mind fuck I have been in for now way too long.

While being here for the past few days and sitting in some interviews with the portal, which will be coming out soon, I finally asked myself, ‘really, what the hell am I doing?’ I finally am seeing the change necessary to stop this point of self sabotage, it’s been a journey because it takes education to understand what you are doing and what you are creating within you each moment you think or backchat, I found this series, The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination  extremely supportive in stopping self judgment specifically. Another supportive thing was Bernard said to me, “you are the only one creating what is going on in your head, no one else but you”, and this is so true, I am creating all sorts of assumptions and thoughts and memory imprints of moments in time, where I am using to judge myself and degrade myself as well as make myself more and better then others because of the constant cycle play out of seeing myself inferior and using others to make myself feel superior. So it’s the cycle of competition and trying to win, but in the meantime it’s having quite an effect on my self stability and how I see myself in reality because the focus is squewed, it’s never been about me and who I am within myself, how I am standing, but about what others think, how others see me or treat me, and thus only from these assumptions within myself I live my life thus creating much self compromise.

And so the backchat is always geared towards preying on the ‘weak’ around me, who I can find that is not as strong as others and then go ok, here I am ‘better’ then this one, so I can get a bit of energy to last me for a while until a new occurrence happens where I have judged myself and go back into negative energy feelings as bad, sad, you know those emotions, and then I will search for that positive energy again. So it’s like seriously, what the fuck am I doing, what kind of person am I creating within myself with these types of thought patterns, this type of nasty back chatting of abuse and scheming I am participating in, a nasty person who is completely self compromised because all this cause within me is paranoia and conflict within myself and thus in my world making me lost. I am not able really to discern and direct myself in a way that is functional and effective as I could have with my mind clear, my mind here, my mind focused on what is real and practical, but allow my mind to go haywire and all over the place with these constant comparisons and mind assumption story line patterns repeating themselves over and over again searching for positive energy in the way od self compromise and abuse to others as well as myself.

So I have started to really force breath awareness and stopping every pattern thought that comes through, all patterns of judgment or comparison in my mind seeing them as the realization that they are purely assumption and thus not something to follow, and breath through all reactions that come up of emotion or feeling, and continue what I am doing in the physical. If I do react, I note it and continue to walk by letting it go, stop focusing on it, and allow it to dissipate through time to end it’s connection to me as a memory. It is not something that has to define me I have realized, yes, I may have reacted and made a mistake or said something dumb or something like that, but I don’t have to terrorize myself, but can simply let it go and continue practicing breath, living from the physical, and moving myself in the principles I realize are true and best for all which is best for me, life is one in all walks that are here and we are equal within this fact. I simply have to continue on this process of accepting myself, letting go of the mind components of self compromise, and stick to breath, focusing on what is real as the physical and my living within it to become the most effective I can be through clearing and focusing my mind on what is real, aligning it with the physical reality equal and one to life which is in the end equal and one to me if I dare.

This the true path to freedom and total self awareness and becoming the utmost I can be because I am in the reality where this is done, here in the physical, in my mind it’s there and it’ can get very messy with the judgments, desires, backchat, emotions, feelings, so I stick to breath, stick to here as what I am doing physically, and walk the process to change self in this manner with self forgiveness and self correction in living. Also, a cool point has been developing since i started walking this and it's a self appreciation because I am really seeing me from a point of equality with my environment and thus in my body, this for the first time really within a point of self decision probably in my whole life, and it's like a weight has lifted off my back essentially because I don't have the pressure of trying to be someone or do something to show I am this or that, but simply be me and live and enjoy what is here, it's really that simple.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki
Equal Money System Website
Equal Life Foundation


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Day 187 - Fear of Dying

For further perspective, reference the following blogs:

Day 179 – Introduction to My Anxiety – Part 1.1 - Fear of Being Exposed
Day 180 – Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Exposure Part 1.2 Day 181 - Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Being Seen in a Bad Light - Part 2.1
Day 182 – Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Being Seen in a Bad Light Part 2.2
Day 183 - Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Not Making It - Part 3.1
Day 184 – Introduction to My Anxiety – Fear of Not Making It – Part 3.2
Day 186 – How to Stop the Fear of Failure

Within looking at this fear, the fearing of death, I see it is as a fear of facing the consequence of myself and this world as a whole, in death I realize there is no escape to who I have become and what I have contributed to this world, if anything significant  and this I find I resist. Within this realization, I fear death because I fear losing my chance to correct myself, fear that I will not be able to get my process done in the physical and have to do it from the dimensions, and a fear of missing out in life and getting an equal world and system in place. So I see this as a fear of facing the consequence of myself within my physical individual process as well as facing myself within the world system and the world existential process, and will I be able to get everything done before this final absolute point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own self existence in where I go into a petrification of myself within my mind in the thoughts and imaginations I create of what could happen or what might happen in death rather then being here and stable within myself and my living into a breath movement of self stability in the physical. I realize and understand within myself that when I allow my mind to wander and thus I allow this fear of myself and what is to come consume me I will accumulate and accumulate this fear energy into more and more energy as petrification where more and more thoughts come up to fuel these fears and thus I go into a constriction to not being able to even move and express within a stable point in my world and living.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of fear of myself and thus go into the mind and start imagining what will be at death, I stop and breath, and focus on my breathing letting go of the thoughts unconditionally and not allowing myself to fuel them. I also commit to breath through the fear of what may come of myself and focus on what I am physically doing in this present moment, focus on what is here, and only work with what is here as that is all that is here and real, and thus I work within reality, using common sense and my physical application to walk myself into equality with all life as solutions that are best for all and best for this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into these thoughts of what will happen to me and what will come of me at death, and thus create a fear within this where I fear facing who I have become within a point of self judgment, and thus allowing myself to sabotage my process in this moment due to fear and self judgment of who I am being within a process that is here and being walked and can not be judgedbecause it is what it is. I realize that judging myself and thus allowing fears to direct me into fearing death and within this not allowing myself to move, I will compromise myself and not allow myself to really progress and move within my process to get what is needed done and correct this point of fear.

I commit myself to when these fears come up and I go into my mind, and then create and fuel this fear of death with sabotaging myself through self judgment, I stop and breath, and do not accept and allow myself to go into this fear and self judgment by focusing on what is real through my movement and focus on my physical body by breathing, staying in breath, and staying physically active.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what is to come once I am dead and that I fear this point of the unknown and thus accept ideas in my head of what might happen, and thus I go into the worst case scenarios which fuel this fear in my mind. I realize that participating within this fear, I will accumulate and exist within fear not being able to move, and so I realize I have to stop the ideas and projections of worst-case scenarios, and focus on what is here.

I commit myself to when and as I go into this fear and ideas, I stop and breath, and push myself to commit to walking in breath, not looking into the future or the pas, but remaining here in the physical. Self forgiving that which is not aligned with what is here in breath in the physical, and walk the correction so I am stable and not allowing fears as ideas of worst case to direct me as this is not real and not practical in finding solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what is within me and fear facing this eventually in death, showing I am fearing it facing it here in the physical sabotaging my process due to fear od what I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what is within me as bad as I realize it is not to be judged or condemned but realize it’s me and change it to align to what is best.

I commit myself to stop the fear of facing myself, and thus walk my process in each moment, directing myself and not allowing fear to influence me into inaction. I stop judging this fear as bad or myself as bad, and accept me by walking here in the physical and accepting what is here, and breathing and living with no judgments but equality with all and solutions in what is best for all.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

Day 71- The Inner Torture of Self Doubt- Ego Rises

Within this point of self doubt where I start to live into it within this feeling of inferiority that comes upon me especially within groups and others, I will then manifest myself in a defense and protection mechanism, where I will go into ego and 'pretend' that I am too cool to talk to others, I don't care about others, and I am just too cool to really put any kind of effort into getting to know others and walking with others. This completely and totally based on the in-fear-ority I am existing as and the hiding I go into to to not have to face the reality of who I am accepting myself to be within this self doubt and fear of being around others.

Within this point of going into the opposite polarity of this point as ego is based on hiding and not desiring to face the person I have become and really allowing fear to take me over, fear of others, and fear of being emotionally hurt by them, I realize that I can only be 'hurt' emotionally if I am emotional, and I realize that emotions is just systems within us, programs actually, created by the mind consciousness system through and as my acceptance of it being real, that indeed it was created as real for me. But who I am I understand is life and life doesn't get emotional about things, life is here and live solutions in equality and oneness in all ways = always.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into a form of superiority as a form of hiding to not have to face myself and how I am accepting myself as fear because I realize what I'll have to do to face this fear and it's to look at how I am being and change myself to walk in equilibrium with myself, and change I see as hard so I resist it. I realize and see that within this fear and then going into the hiding as a form of ego as superiority is only causing more abuse as I am just perpetuating myself through the cycle of low and high were I gain energy off of others and then fall when I am perceiving others within the judgments I am holding on of myself. Thus I must walk the correction of stopping this form of hiding by facing each and every form of judgment and fear that arise with others or with myself and investigate it and walk out the correction through writing and sel forgiveness to give me the base platform for the opportunity to change.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into fear towards others based on the judgments of myself and thus perceiving the life around me in relation to these judgments I am holding and thus projecting my own self judgments onto others seeing and perceiving they are judging me in equal fashion. When I realize and see that this judgment is only and always has been about myself, how I am being within myself and my living with and towards myself, and thus will live out who I am within myself to my external world, which within the self doubt that I am accepting is a limited version of myself in fear and defense mechanism where I am not actually seeing who I am within the moment but only seeing through self judgment where I cause myself to doubt myself and sabotage myself due to the fear I am defining myself by and existing from within and throughout my world. I realize and see that I am not defined by my own mind and self judgments, I have the opportunity here to see them for what they are as fears and self sabotage where I have accepted a false version of myself due to self interest and want to be seen or expected to be treated in a certain way. Within this I understand that to limit life to my own desires and expectations is a form of enslavement of myself as this can never be fufilled and doesn't make sense as this would only be considering myself within ideas and projections of myself and missing the reality that is real and is life here equal and one with all of us within and as each other and thus to stop the enslavement of myself I have to stop the separation of myself from mind ego desires in self interest to life here living with each other in creating solutions and unity within all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to play over scenarios in head head over and over again to formulate and analyze and also create fantasy type play outs where I can create myself as the best I can be, or discover what I missed or what I didn't do within others opinion of me where I could be different next time. Within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to play out mind realities in my mind to create a nice feeling for myself where I can essentially create whatever I want in terms of my mind reality where I can go into detail how I can be better, or what I can to to get others to see me in a different light or a new way, and thus live within my mind more then I am actually living here in reality with others. Making all sorts of dimensions up within my head where I am not really having to take responsibility for myself and change the false living I am living as as self judgment and self doubt and stand here within myself as life and accept myself one and equal with others, and see that I am the other and that we actually have very much many things in common and are basically the same within our beingness in general. I realize and see that within this living within my mind and making up reality within the mind dimensions is causing me to be more lost and out of touch with reality and thus not able to see and take the responsibility need to stop the actions of self judgment and inferiority and thus self doubt when they arise, and so I understand I must stop participating in this mind reality scenarios I exist within and become more practical, more physical, and push to use breath for stability and work more as breath to walk into and as the physical more and more as I walk into this as myself.

I commit myself to stop going into the ego as superiority with others I am feeling inferior with and thus stop this polarity of inferior/superior cycle but exist within who we are as equals walk this as myself, and push myself to live this in each and every moment stopping the mind with my self will.

I commit myself to stop fear and living within the mind as how others are seeing me in this fantasy reality as my perceptions and judgement, but instead I commit to walk here as equals with life living this day to day, helping, caring, and becoming humble with the life around me and myself to become gracefully within my living and give myself back to myself to enjoy myself as life.

I commit to stop the mind reality fantasies and analysis of myself so I can stand with life and as life and trust myself to not abuse myself or others, and thus I stop fueling this abuse of myself by stopping the judgments and the thoughts of this self hatred and walk the self back to living by become the living through my words and actions.

inner torture, ego rising, hell bound, eqafe, inner turmoil, hell, existence, self doubt, why do i doubt myself, equality, eqafe, deeteni, 2012, journey to life,

Day 27 - Me as a Weakling Polar B(F)ear - Part 2

Continuing on about fearing others and my reality and how I have created myself in a way to always sabotage myself as I see myself as weak and thus define others within this polarity of weak/strong causing abuse to others and myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself as weak.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself as strong.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself when I do something within a group such as trip or stutter my words go into an extreme point of self judgment that I am so stupid and thus define myself based on this point of living where I was not 'perfect' within presentation in front of others I see that I have to impress.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I have to impress others to be accepted, and within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge others and thus not accept them based on my idea that they have to be this idea of perfection I am holding onto in my head.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself as stupid and less then others if I am not perfect in my presentation in front of others and go into a state of depression because I am seeing myself less then others because I messed up and others didn't.

Within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into anger towards myself because I messed up my chance to be the strongest and the best within the group due to me tripping or stuttering my words because I have an idea that I have to be perfect in everything I do and if I achieve this I will be the best within the group.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to be the best in the group.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to be seen as the prettiest in the group.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to be seen as the smartest in the group.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to look and desire to be accepted within the group and even better be seen as the best one within the group.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to abuse others in my backchat to thus diminish them if I feel threatened or if I see myself as inferior due to the picture presentations being stronger then mine and thus go into a suppression around them and be nasty in my thoughts because I am angry that I am not the best.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be in competition with everyone in my world and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define life based on energy as ideas of weak/strong.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to judge myself as well as all life within this idea of perfection through what I look like and how I act in front of others to fit in and be seen as the best.

I forgive myself for allowing an accepting to change my actions deliberately to fit into a group and be seen in the best light I can generate.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to seek others approval.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not accept myself here and thus constantly be searching for myself in points outside myself realizing that its an infinite cycle to no where because I am looking for something I already am.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to search through separating myself when I realize I am here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate me from life here as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to sabotage myself due to my addiction to energy, I realize to life here in freedom and peace I have to stop my addiction to energy in all forms and live equal and one with all life here as me stopping all points of separation forevermore.

When and as this point of separating myself within competition and comparison  for me to gain energy to be better, I stop, breath, and speak 'I am one and equal with all'. I stop all thoughts and backchat thoughts of separation and spitefulness towards others, and live here within this reality as breath to find and walk practical solutions. I continually stop all thoughts, words, actions, of trying to be more as well as stopping the suppression of myself through thinking I am less then others. I stop all fear of others and my world and engage in the realization that I am the other one and equal and we are all walking our processes to freedom from mind energy to life here as me.

I commit to stop separating myself into polarities of strong/weak.

I commit to stand here among all and push myself to live and breath in oneness with everyone and equality so my ego can be gone and I can stand here in freedom as life with all as me.

I commit to become aware of who and what I am doing and what and who I am with so thus I can determine the best route to take to create the best outcome for all and push to stop fearing life.