Competition In MY KNEE - Day 543

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I noticed after finishing my swim for tonight, I had a pain on my left k-nee(d), it felt like it was buckling in and this prompted me to lie down and investigate it further. What came up was a point of competition I was particpating in while myself and another swimmer where next to each other in the lanes, we kept passing each other and I was fighting myself to stop pushing myself to go fast and try and pass him and be the winner who get’s to the end of the lane first. I looked further into this and found that this pattern is one I participate in a lot and it’s a need to succeed and accomplish something, competition in sports is a great outlet for this pattern because it’s so clear the goal and a great chance of success. What pattern I saw existent within this desire to win, succeed, and accomplish things is a need to be valued by others and especially by myself, I am very competitive with myself, where if I do not succeed or grow within my life, I will create a depression type experience where I believe myself to be less valued, less worthy, and so lastly not able to compete, keep up, and survive in this world. So fear of survival is at the core of this pattern, where I believe myself to be only worthy or valued in this life if I am able to contribute something and compete to show I can, and within that seeking the best to feel better about myself.

What I didn’t realize is that this pattern is being fueled exclusively by my participation within it, there is a part of me that is seeking this feeling and this experience of being the best, being seen by others as worth something, and being able to within myself feel victorious in all that is able to be gained through being at the top and the best in a specific task or field. So my ego and self interest are equally pulsating as me in my actions and behaviors to move me in an intensity to succeed though within it I become unstable with fear of loss and fear of rejection at the same time. What I have learned through moving myself more and more into physical self directed movement is that there is a stability gained through living physically here that is unwavering in a way based on the very fact that I myself am creating the stability through what I have already lived and continue to live in each moment as my stand and my commitment. It is me, so I know and understand who I am within it which breeds clarity within self and thus stability in my enviroment.


When I go into ego, all bets are off as in self interest and ego you lose focus of the physical and of yourself, and you start drifting in thought streams that will take you with energy attached to them and then your on a roller coaster. So I have found that the stability of living my words, changing myself in my highest potential, and doing what is best is the best way to go as it’s the most certain and creates the most stability within self to create how I see fit.

I will walk some self forgiveness on competition and self interest:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my ego in self interest of being the best within my swimming today due to wanting to impress the man i was swimming against so I could feel worthy if we were to interact as he would know that I am a good athlete and thus I am accomplished in something in my life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen by others as accomplished and good at things in my life because within myself i am feeling as if i am lacking in some way or another due to thoughts that I need to be better, i am not good enough, there are so many others who are better, and so create an experience that I am not as good and thus I will not be able to live the life i desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear of survival in this world due to what i have imprinted in my life where i see that you have to be good at something, and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself to the life expression that exist within myself and so exist within all that is creative within it’s very expression, and so i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my and others creative expressions due to this belief that some are inherently great at things and those who are not are not as worthy and so subject to life in compromise.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in to this belief that some are inherently better then others due to what they can do, what they say, what they look like, and so create this separation with everything that exist by putting everything in a box as good or bad and wrapping energy around this box pulsating positive or negative energy depending what i have programmed into myself to within that be able to have the high from time to time.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in believing that separation exists in this world and so live into the survival system that was designed so I could feed off of the weak to be able to give myself a high once in a while, feeding off of addictive patterns within myself showing my own weaknesses, and being ok with a diminished and self compromised existence as life here in what is best in oneness and equality is able to be lived and is already here as me, though i must stand one and equal to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into addictions within myself as highs and so equally participate and live out the lows pretending that i don’t know what I am doing, when all the while I have been fooling myself and creating conflict in all areas of my life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am not good enough due to an inherent belief that my dad is the top of my world and I would have to be like him to succeed though fearing this because i did not like the way my dad conducts himself in his words and behaviors.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attach the words accomplished, confident, strength, and courage to my dad and equally resist it because i don’t like my dad’s way of living.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself due to this belief that i have to be like my dad when i see, realize, and understand we are each walking our own individual processes here and I have the ability to direct myself in my best and within that i have free creative expression to do what I will, it’s all up to me and directed and defined by me.

When and as I see I am going into a form of self interest as ego wanting something or being driven to do something, I stop and breath, and realize I am activating my mind competition and so create chaos and instability in my world through play outs and timelines that will bring me back to the same point of self diminishment and feeling unworthy. I realize I have to walk the physical timeline of proving myself in my living that I am able to change myself into living words that are best for all and so best for me with the clear directive to walk myself change into a unique and individual expression that is boundless in the potentials of my abilities and creation.

I commit myself to walk the letting go of the desire to accomplish and succeed and walk the living word process of creation and self change as I move myself into pursuits of my own creation that I direct and push in the purposes of what is best for all and expressing myself in new ways that work.

I commit myself to let go of the belief that i am unworthy as I see this is created from thoughts and thoughts do not define me as I am not defined by a belief, I am defined by my living in what i create here and for what purposes.

I commit myself to push myself into the new redefined word of competition in pushing my self creative process into more expansive ways to move this process to life further to support more and more and walk what is best for all.

I commit myself to let go of the relationship with my dad as my director in my life and put myself in that position in self responsibility to not only walk my process to life in the best of my ability but allow others to walk theres and realize i am not responsible for everyone making it, each one is that for themselves.

I commit myself to push myself to move beyond my limitations and support where I am able to though allow others to walk their own process as this is where self growth and empowerment is born.

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Self Forgiveness Challenge – Competition – Day 517

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I have found one of the roots to the abuse and turmoil in my life can be flowed from this one point of participation, and that is competition. Competition comes up in relation to many different scenarios and context, but it stems from experience of lack within self. This lack is seeking to be fulfilled through a source outside, and so the competition of oneself and another ensues causing many outflow consequences that are not best for all. To understand competition on a more in depth level it is where within self there is a point one is not wanting to take responsibility for, and through that point of not wanting to take responsibility, competition is created in a race to fulfill a craving to win and be better. Competition can also be seen as a form of distraction, one that is destructive in most cases, to suppress the actual real issue that driving this desire to be better and that is not wanting to face the real issue which is self needs to change in a way that is best for all.

Self forgiveness on this point:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to compete with another person in a way were it’s not causing harm, when I see, realize, and understand the internal energies that is fueling this behavior is one of superiority, ruthlessness, and desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a desire to become more then another and so within that have apparently more power in the relationship, when I see, realize, and understand I am only compromising myself due to the desire to gain something that I don’t believe I can give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a form of self abdication to the responsibility of changing myself and becoming the solution that is here to support what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to seek my own self gratification over others, where I will deliberately seek out my own self interest and advancement within the understanding that others will not receive and so loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek over others, and so take another’s share in this world, where I have more than needed and another ends up with less.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the equality equation within all movements in my life, where I assess and direct my outflows to be that which is best for all rather than only supporting myself to move forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea that I am more advanced then another person if I am winning in a competition with them either directly or indirectly in my mind, and create an idea of myself that I am inherently better than the other, looking down upon them and creating a feeling of superiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become ruthless within who I am in competition where I will seek my own self gratification in a moment of instant gratification where another will lose out as I gain more, and so exist within a form of abuse where I take and another loses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately know that I am taking from another and continue to do so due to the addiction of believing I am better and more and so safe from abuse from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the abuser and so create abuse in an escape from my own fear of abuse from others who compete with me, and so perpetuate the competition playout of win and loss over many scenarios and beings in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a form of self abuse where I believe I have to compete to survive and so do it out of fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed energy as fear as a driving force within me to compete and so create consequences that are not best for all, when I see, realize, and understand that this equation can be lived out and considered in each breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live in breath here and consider each movement I make in what is best for all, where I take responsibility for myself and actions, and support solutions that will support all.

When and as I see myself go into the desire to win, I stop and breath, and realize this will outflow into a form of abuse either to myself or another.

I commit myself to move into the equality equation of what is best.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my fear and move into a calmness where I can live the word physical here as all are here equal to myself.

I commit myself to find solutions that are best for all and stop the desire to win.

I commit myself to live the word competition in a way of understanding what is best through trail and error, and determining through groups and test what is best for all if not apparently understood, and that which is supportive for all in all moments.

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Family and Competition – Day 484

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How is it that we become so competitive and driven to survival within this reality? I have been looking at this point recently and have found within most of my interactions there is an underlying experience and desire to be the best and compete. This desire comes in many subtle forms, they are thoughts that go on in the background, not very noticeable or visible, but they are certainly there. They are fueled within self insecurity and judgments. These thoughts I would say are the secret mind thoughts, the thoughts that I wouldn’t want anyone to see or hear, so within this there is an experience of shame and self dishonesty that I am experiencing. Where this leads to feeling inadequate and going into the world to try and make myself better, and to do this I go into competition, where I can be seen as more or better in some way. So the essential point that is moving this participating in the bad emotions such as judgment of myself or others which creates this desire to feel better. But what is this all holding up and keeping in place, shame, judgment, competition, and self dishonesty.

This is obviously not the way to self equality with oneself and one’s environment, so I looked at this point more in depth and realized that this desire to compete and be more has been with me since my childhood, I have always had this drive to compete and be more then. This started with my family and the culture that was created within my childhood years. The circumstances for children coming into this world vary based on income of the family and personal awareness, so there is many outflows we as a society have to take responsibility for and also support, so here I want to walk through some of these scenarios for myself so I can stand and take responsibility for them and stop them from perpetuating in my world and reality. 

To start, I remember going to my first experience of school where I was quite excited to experience all the different toys and games that I saw when I would drop off my sisters. This excitement diminished when I got to the kindergarten classroom, where I was given these tests to find out where I stood within the class and if I was going to be able to get in. I remember being stressed and anxious about the test taking because I had no idea where I stood in relation to it and I feared not being able to get into this cool looking classroom.

Here is one experience of competition and fear of survival that came up in my life and how this effected the whole rest of my schooling years where I associated this building with having to keep score and make the cut, competing with numbers and other children and environments, I mean it is a stressful thing to throw a child into not knowing what to expect and having no real understanding of the reason for the testing and why it is being done, and just expect them to be enjoying themselves and ok with all of it. Children aren’t told anything, they are mostly forced into what it is that is expected of them over traditions and never included in the decision. If children fight back, they are seen as rebellious and handled in a more strict way. This goes into parenting and how parents create a dynamic of master/slave relationship that the child certainly picks up on and becomes defiant in a way toward, which is extended into the system, such as the education system and the way in which is operates. This is from my personal experience of my own childhood and some insight and perspective to support with changing to solutions that will support all and create a better world for all.

I will continue in my next blog, thanks.

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What was my backchat about tonight? Day 424

About Being controlled through the implications of the words being used.

Creating anger towards him based on believing this statement is true that I am being controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the back chat I created of assuming the words being used was based and implied to show control  over me and form me into someone that I am not in awareness directing as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control others and desire to control others to get what I want out of the situation and have my will be dominate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to control others for my own self interest and exist within the point of not wanting to form agreements and find solutions because I want to win as I am being driven by ego and competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within competition and so exist within self compromise because I realize I am only competing with myself and so fighting against myself as life here is all me. I must will solutions for them to be for real for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is someone who exist within an absolute knowledge of who I am and that I don’t need to or want to listen to anyone else telling me either in reaction or in real introspection who I am within what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the information based on the one giving the information as I have judged them within it and so skewed the whole point being presented instead of a learning process and an opportunity to expand myself to then go into my mind and reacting and feed energy as anger and frustration towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal that I being told what to do and given directions within being informed within it of what is happening and what is being done and so within this go into an energy of ‘f that’ and not wanting to cooperate or find solutions with others in my reality, and stop separating myself and causing abuse, and breath, look again, see what all the options are, and create a path as a solution that will support all involved as I realize, see, and understand that this option is here and I can decide to live it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into ego and self interest where I want to win and be right and compete with this being and not become humble and let go of these desires to fight and compete, and so miss the opportunity to create the path for peaceful resolutions that are available if I but walk it into reality and stop my mind from reacting and going into alternate realities as imagination, backchat, and projected play outs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk self forgiveness on the point and not implement the forgiveness realization within the next breaths I took and so create a passive aggression within the forgiveness I am speaking which is only diminishing myself and so creating the diminishment of my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my reality within who I have become as my living action and so create abuse rather then slowing down and finding the solutions that will support growth and intimacy with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not desire to get close to others and develop intimacy because I am afraid of being hurt and so will fight and disagree within this desire to not have to face this fear with others of being hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept fear as my reality instead of standing up within and determining myself within my own self will to stand as integrity lived and stop the emotions though embracing them and moving them through me as I see they no longer serve me, and walk the stability of being here, and the solutions that will open up as I see more of what here is as the distractions of energy as emotions has been released.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stop energy and let go of my ego because I have become safe within it and determined who I am as it, and this comfort I do not want to give up, but I realize, and see, and understand that this comfort is not real comfort as it’s only based on stagnation and abuse as separation with others as I become isolated and shut myself off from others to not have to face this discomfort that is happening when I move beyond my fear and face my reality I have created and so this comfort is actually not real because it never leads to lasting comfort as stability within self.

When and as I see I am going into my backchat and starting to critic and think about others in blame, I stop and breath, and realize that this is only going to cause the self diminishment of me and stop the process of self expansion within my reality and intimacy with others that I can create as solution process that will be opening up if I just stop energy and walk with others in humbleness.

I commit myself to stop going into backchat through breath and embracing myself as it and releasing it as I realize it is not who I am, I do not define myself as this any more, and let it go.

I commit myself to breath until I am stable and then walk self forgiveness on the points I see I wanted to blame others or compromise myself with in separation to my world.

I commit myself to let go of judgments of others as I realize this is only judging and condemning myself.

I commit myself to in all it’s forms breath and find solutions that will support life and what is best for all through humbleness process of releasing my ego through self forgiveness and breathing and self correction, and walking this correction as solutions with others in my world and reality to create a better world.

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Insta- Judgment – Judging from the Past – Day 399

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone from the past where I place the weight of the past onto them and so direct the environment and so myself with them in a way that is not here and genuine, but from past memories and desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to judge another based on the past and so act within a point of preconceived ideas and assumptions based on the past with this other person rather then being here fresh and supporting with solutions in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed memories of how another is working or acting or living to determine how I will interact within them be it on the basis of a positive experience or a negative one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow memories within my mind in the moment of the present to determine who I will be and how I will act towards another based on the memory being a positive one or negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define another in a moment based on the energy attachments I feel within memories from the past about them or having to do with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engaging defining my experience based on the energy attachments I have on memories I am defining my experience with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by memories within my head and create a reaction towards another based on the memory I am defining the moment or them by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow memories and allow them to direct me towards others in my world.

When and as I see I am going into a point of defining my world, reality, and /or others by the past within memories in my mind, I stop and breath, and I realize that this will compromise my effectiveness and create separation with me and my world cause I am judging from the past and not here fully present living from the facts that are here and relevant.

I commit myself to let go of the memories I have attached to others through writing them out, investigating them, and directing them into solutions.

I commit myself to let go of the reactions to others through my mind as memories and bring myself here through breath and physical movement.

I commit to interact with others when I am stable and have directed the memories into a point of correction that doesn’t influence my interaction and effectiveness with others.

I commit to write and correct memories as they come and release them into a point of physical relevance only having no attachments to them.

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Insta-judgment – Is this All I Am? – Day 398

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the way of life is through making instant assessments of what I am seeing, hearing, and taking in in my senses, and so from these assessment go into to my mind and create a polarity to relate to something that I have seen before to realize where I stand within it based on a point of have defined myself in the past from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my reality through my mind as assessments based on the past and compare the past with what is here in this moment as if they are separate from the then to the now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is here in this moment through the desire to be special/more then others because within this I have made a comparison of myself with the here when I realize in reality that I am not separate from others but we are all equal as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others in the mind polarities where energy is attached within feelings of trying to be more because I had defined myself from a point in my reality in the past where I saw myself as less then another, so within myself I am trying to redeem myself through making another less then me where I see this only satisfy the ego which is self interest and not who I stand as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself from the past and so live the past to the here moment where I allow my reality to be compromised of doing what is best for all by creating polarities and comparisons with others to make myself feel better because within myself I am feeling insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind and define myself through a point in reality outside myself in a belief that I am more or less then that which I see and realize is one and equal with me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am not more or less then any part of this reality as we are all one and equal as life and this based on the reality of putting my shoes in another’s path and seeing that I would want the best no matter who or what I was, so what is best is what is real and what stands in all here moments no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live from selfishness and ego where I desired to become more then others based on the desire for notoriety and attention from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse another for believing that I am somehow more then them due to a perception and a belief that I am this, when in reality I have compromised my integrity and my stand as life by hurting life and not supporting life and so hurting and not supporting myself which is not common sense and not best.

To be continued.

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