Monday, December 24, 2018

Some In-Sights to this Christ-mass Day - Who AM I? Day 571

Christmas, a day of giving. 

Here I have been looking at christmas today due to lots of my life being involved in it even if I didn't want this much christmas in my world lol. For instance, I have a business leadership responsibility where I have to follow certain traditions that have been put in place, such as giving bonus checks out at the end of the year as a gift from the owners to the employees. I also like to give something extra as a gift from the new leadership in the company, which is my cousin and myself, and it be something practical, cool, and an advertisement for the company, this year I gave an embroidered lightweight backpack for people to go hiking, biking, take to the gym, whatever. So I enjoy surprising people with that.

I also am living at my sisters house and she hosts christmas dinner for my family, so I have had to give myself to helping her in many ways due to the fact that there are so many little factors that creates the eventual party that everyone will enjoy with food, drink, bake goods, and children opening presents. So there is christmas everywhere in my world and always has been around this time, though I realize not everyone is able to take a day off and enjoy with there family or friends, I do consider this at all times as best I am able to to not lose sight of what is important and who I am in my life and living. 

So I have been playing with this day today as in recent past I have disliked christmas, not wanting to be a part of it, seeing it as a scam, ect. which in many ways the idea of christmas and how it is directed in our reality is messed up, though I have been redefining it for myself and so I have found a way to stand within it and just be here with myself and everyone else regardless of what is happening and what is out of my control at this time.

I have chosen this word - play in my process to support me to anchor myself into my reality and so instead of becoming depressed or inferior or judgmental or superior, stand within a point of play, having fun, being creative, and being present and this supports with anchoring me into my body and so becoming balanced within who I am quite nicely I have found. The act of being present and finding like an adventure out of your everyday routine or life, makes life quite interesting and enjoyable to walk through. Not every moment, of course, is like this and there are moments where seriousness or some other state of being needs to be lived, but I push myself to balance myself back into this word - play and thus fun and adventure whenever the opportunity arises or I am reminded to do so. 

These words like play, fun, adventure, creative have served me well as I find I a much more at ease within my body and my self as me when actively living them and expanding within them as my living, and through this I have more of an influence and reach within my reality, I am able to connect more to people, hold more communication, eye contact, and intimacy with others, I am able to expand myself within who I am as a person that is here to support, not to harm, and also to expand in my reality, understanding more, understanding myself more, and so the path and journey continues. Always having my pillars of inner support being self honesty, self forgiveness, self introspection, self correction, and living the change within self and one's world, this is a process at desteni, it is a cycle, and it goes deeper and deeper into self, which is equally part of the play, fun, and adventure!

I found this christmas more the living of giving in a truer sense within myself in not only giving gifts as wrapped toys or presents, but actually being the present, being present with others and giving the gift that is my expression, where I make an effort to be present with the other, connect, engage in a way that adds benefit, and so leave the moment with a giving of myself as the fulfillment of who I am and can be in that moment to the best of my ability that I could see and so live. Living my highest self, pushing this as a focus and steadfast point as who I am until it is natural, this being a gift for me and others this christmas, so I am grateful and look forward to the day where I am just here breathing and living what is best for all regardless, it is who I am, simple as that. 

Christmas is just a day to practice this more intently due to the nature of the holiday, eventually it’ll be transcended though for the time being I like to use the day with efficiency and for sure fun, play, and radical self expression in the giving of who I am as the gift itself. 

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Friday, November 16, 2018

Back on the Writing Train - Day 570

I haven't written a blog in some time though I enjoy writing, I will continue on writing out my mind process and the self-forgiveness with it so as to support myself and maybe support others in their mental health and so physical well being of their life.

The topic for today is about sadness, I have been sad recently and for me, in my life, I really should not be sad. I have everything I need, I have many opportunities, and lots of people who care about me and give me support. So I have a lot, though this sadness is coming from within me, seems deep, a deep point of sadness I have been experiencing, one I know as I open it up will be challenging though this is what I want to uncover, the shit that challenges me so I can face it once and for all and move on to live more self-direct and self-supportive through understanding and so living the change necessary. So for this sadness, I am seeing it is due to relationships, I am feeling lonely currently and this is due to a desire to have companionship and essentially a partner. This I am more seeing as a program that is coming up, a habitual desire that I have participated in for a lot of my life because when I am alone I need to take more of an effort to be with me, like there is this deep hole within me that I feel some sort of emptiness and within that my life feels dull or boring or more that I am not feeling fulfilled in who and what I am doing.

Though practically speaking I am doing a lot, mostly work these days, I am running a company with my cousin and dad who is soon to retire, and we are very busy. I am understaffed at the moment so I am having to pick up all the little tasks that are needing to get done and no one is there to do them. So I have a lot of work like task work to do every day, this is somewhat fulfilling, though this is more for survival and within this, it does not sit well with me as something that I would like to do and live as my creative pursuit in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I do understand that work of all kind is necessary as stuff has to get done and not everyone can do what they love to do, though I do see a better way and potential for humanity to exist in this world that is not needing to survive to exist. But in the meantime, this is what I am doing, so there is pressure on me to perform and be responsible for all these tasks I do on a daily basis as well as the extra stuff that comes up that needs to get done. So my job for the most part is fine, though within my purpose of why I am doing this job and my plans to support a higher good are always within me, so this pursuit is a point of self-fulfilling I can stand within as walking such a goal is not only supporting myself but lots of others as well. So this in the process and as I walk this and fulfill what I set out to do, I can see a satisfaction being lived out. Patience and flexibility are also needed in such ventures though pushing through challenges and staying disciplined I have found are hallmarks to building the fulfillment of self that I am seeing I am yearning for.

Another point is that I am desiring a partner to settle down with, though I am also seeing that I have a fear here due to not wanting to get into a relationship where the person will not work out or will not suit me well. I find myself to be a bit peculiar in my interests and pursuits though I do see that I will fit in with someone nicely if they do decide to come around. So it seems that this sadness as of late is coming from a desire to have a relationship yet fearing one due to not wanting to get into the wrong one or one that will not work out in the end. I also have this idea coming up that when I am in one and have that desire met it'll lose its lust and I will desire to be single again, and not want to deal with the inner workings and dealings that relationships with others bring.

So I will walk some forgiveness on these points and clear the path for a change I can live with and brings out the best, here it goes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a desire to have a specific outcome in my day and life where I know what I am doing, who I will be, and who I will meet and thus fulfill a desire to have a fulfilling conversation or interaction with another to where I feel more valuable or worthy because I did interact with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a desire to interact and have friendly conversations with others in my world because I have created the idea and belief that if I am having friendly conversations with others it means I have value and have something to offer others because they decided to stop and talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to go into a point of reveling in the energy of being liked, having people to talk to, being seen by others, getting noticed and thus desire to have this and so if I don't have this intereaction believe I then am not these things, not good enough essentially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i am not being noticed or talked to by others that I am then not as worthy as when I am being noticed and talked to by others, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am based on counting and holding the score of who talks to me and when.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the energetic desire of feeling good and happy when i am noticed and people talk to me and thus within my secret mind go into competition and comparison of others where I label and polarize myself and others based on the numbers, and create assumptions of why some are getting more and some aren't, which is not actually standing in physical reality here but lingering in the mind illusions of thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was younger create the decision to see myself as not as good as others based on the experience I got when I was humiliated in front of others and thus saw others kids not having to go through this experience, seeing myself as inferior and less than and from there desire and decided to figure out why I am this way and others are able to bypass such uncomfortable experiences such as these.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am based on a memory of experiences I went through as a child and thus hold onto the conclusions I made in that time instead of here changing who I am in relation to these memories and experiences within me and redefine who I am in relation to friendship, people on the street, family members, coworkers, and thus give myself a foundation for my stand to thus use as a point of creative movement.

I commit myself to redefine the word friendship for myself in relation to the relationships in my life and who I will be without comparison or competition, but me as a being meeting myself in another.

This for next blog, thanks for reading.

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Sunday, September 30, 2018

Who am I as Self Honesty? Day 569


What is first coming up for me when I ask this question to myself is that I am still learning lol. I mean this concept within a practice of living and dedicating myself to it has spanned more than 9 years now, though it continues to expand and grow as I do. Self honesty has been one of the most challenging paths as well as rewarding in my life. I find this concept is actually quite simple in the understanding within the application of what is best for all meaning to live what is best for all one has to live self-honesty, though that is not really getting to the route and core of what this concept and practice actually entails cause self honesty is more then just being honest with oneself.

For me personally, I feel I have always had a connection with my potential, the best of me and seeing the best in people, though back in the beginning of my desteni i process I found that this was hidden and suppressed deep within me, i could mainly only see the worst in my self and what i was living and so the worst in others. This creating mostly outflows of limitation and abuse, which was not who i actually wanted to be, but until desteni i really had no other way of seeing myself out of it.

So self-honesty for me has been a gift and a vehicle within me of movement to be my best, it is moving within me in the sense that whatever is here i work with self honesty and that to me is the truth of who i am in those moments and what i am creating, getting real with those facts and within that making all the effort necessary to change myself to be my best self, this effort of change in seeing the worst of myself or in my addictions or in my laziness patterns, it is difficult to move, though using the tools and standing firm in my desicion to be self honest, what I have scripted for myself in my self forgiveness and self commitment statements supports me to live this through eventually. Though self honesty can also be lived when one is not living one's best, being self honest in the fact that you are struggle, not getting it, not changing as fast as one wanted, these are all points of one's self honesty at times in one's process, yet being self honest is the way to see the realizations as is and then work with the steps to start the process of change. Commitment to change is also a key in living and dedicating oneself to live self honesty in one's day to day life. 

Self-honesty to me is the way to the heaven on earth, it is a solution through and through for the ills we face within us and without. It is also beautiful as it aligns with all in all ways and all can participate in it and all will get equal results if applied within oneself and in one's life, which is a changed being, a better version, and aligning to what is best for all. When all humans live this as there inner code the outflow consequences of who we are will equally change from survival and suffering to self awareness, self expansion, and creativity in our highest potential. So I see potential only in this word and the living out of self in this way, through and through, for all life as self here.

Self-honesty is always about self and I have found always steered me back to this point, self first, self here, who am I, and thus what am i going to live? These are incredible words to embody and embrace, a fantastic adventure it has been and will continue to be into the foreseeable future. Self-honesty is life and thus when life is lived in self-honesty one becomes balanced and more and more aligned to the natural order of life that has always been here, it is our best selves lived. 

Monday, September 24, 2018

Adventure - A Path to Self Discovery and More - Day 568

The word adventure for me brings me to a point of excitement and being enthralled, desiring to have an untamed and wild path into the unknown, discovering and uncovering secrets that are just waiting to be found. This is sort of how I’ve seen adventure and wanted to experience it in my life, this adventurous path being fun, entertaining, mysterious, and experiencing self-growth and realizing myself. I find when looking at the experience within me there is a desire to have this experience throughout my life, for it to continue, and find those who can come along for the ride to explore and in the best sense find ways to better life and ourselves as we enjoy and discover this path of life we are experiencing every moment.

Here is the definition of the word in the dictionary:

Adventure: an undertaking usually involving danger and unknown risks

Looking at the sound of the word, I see – advent sure; advantage lore;

So here I am seeing that within the definition and the sounding of the word there is a form of a path that is taken, where if one goes on this path, there is a point of an addition to one’s life able to be experienced and merged with. Adventure is the engine that starts to bring to fruition the points within self that is held as an idea or a desire and starts a path of self to discovering in reality what that idea or goal actually takes to attain and see it through.

Obviously once one goes on an adventure, a path into the unknown, there is an understanding that one does not know where it’ll lead, the specifics of what one will face, the outcomes within self and without based on what is faced, so one would need to incorporate points of adaption to the physical reality around them, willing to make sacrifices and change directions in a moment notice based on the feedback of the physical, and have a grasp on common sense solutions that will support with a progression of sorts into the desired outcome or goal one is looking to attain to see it through and actually create it for oneself.

So the equation that I am seeing within this word is the point of desire that is looking to be realized or created, an idea, a question answered, a growth experience, there is a reason and purpose to go on an adventure and within this what also is being shown within the definition of the word is a sense of walking into the unknown, which could potentially lead one into paths of danger or uncomfortability.  Though I have found within the spirit of life itself and the creative process of the unlimited potentials that exist within this physical reality, one push through the fear and find ways to pursue and live life and the gifts will be received ten fold, life is adventure, life is at time risk, life is walking into the unknown, when walked within common sense, what is best for all, and a sense of innocent within the life lived in exploration, one can, in fact, live life to it's fullest and access the point of self here.

So adventure for me is a support word of self movement, aligning it to what is best for all in the pursuit of supporting all life as I would like for myself, has allowed me access to parts of myself and this existence that I could never have ever conceived of. It’s a point of passion, expansion, self discovery, entering unchartered territory, and walking into it full of capabilities to take on the challenges through taking self responsibility and finding one’s way to a solution that’ll support all, releasing fear and never giving up on one's goal to live. This is the beauty in the way of walking an adventure, you get to uncover and discover parts of yourself that has been hidden or unseen to you up until now, you get to expand into unknown parts of this world face new challenges, people, and ways of existing, and this in my experience has been a path of heartache yes at times, but untapped self discovery which brings me true joy because I finally get to the answers I am looking for, opening up new ones, and so the adventure continues.

This is the beauty of adventure one is tapping into the unending creative force of oneself continuously and realizing life is eternal and thus we are too. We are eternal beings that have been on an unending adventure discovering who we are and eventually through self forgiveness and living change in self honesty one realize oneself here and another adventure opens up, I am on the former path of self realizing myself here at the moment and it's been a fascinating adventure indeed :) 

Adventure on my friends and en-joy!

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School of Ultimate Living

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Garb Shares - One of my most Impactful Moments of My Life - Day 565

I invite you to share your most impactful moment that shifted your life!

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Saturday, July 7, 2018

Earth Haven Why it's Cool for Everyone! - Day 564

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Tuesday, May 8, 2018

The Experience of Being Hurt - My Realizations and Forgiveness - Day 563

Who I am as being hurt by others?

When I am not considered within the point of conversation or interaction, and I take it personal that others are brush with me, quick, overlook what I say or don’t listen at all and go into a reaction, I see the experience of hurt come up within me. Like I have been disregarded, I am not respected, and thus I am alone in my reality. I feel rejected in these times which brings up the experience that I am not able to thrive in the way of my reality that I’d like to, wherein I am able to interact with others, take in what is expressed, and within that be at peace and calm within myself, and express back in a manner that shows a point of maturity that supports and creates life rather then disturbs and destroys.

So I am looking at this experience of acceptance from my reality where if I am not received in a way of getting some sort of positive feedback, I take it personal and become emotional within the experience of hurt. Hurt being the energy experience that feels like a pit opens in my stomach area and my being drops in there feeling lost, my body goes into a slouch and sinking experience, and I become quiet and reserved with others in these states. Tending to go within and shut down not allowing any communication or people to come in until I have recovered and in some area have been uplifted through a positive experience. Leaping from one area to another within myself of being hurt and being happy again through an external stimulus that I have used as addiction to distract me from what I am facing with this hurt experience.

So what I am facing within being hurt by others is the fact that I am seeking acceptance and comfort from them, which is where I get positive feedback and when I don’t receive it I become hurt and end up becoming reactive back. I will go into more detail with the words I live out because there are more. Though focusing on the hurt experience I am having, this will be for example when someone comes at me in a bad mood because something happens in there life and they are not super pleasant, I say something to them and they snap at me. I will experience this hurt experience at this moment and believe that they are being mean, and through this take it personal where my mood will change into being moodier, angered, and resentful. This causing many consequences that are not best for all.

So here I will walk self-forgiveness on this experience of being hurt, and let go of the belief that I need people to give me positive feedback to feel accepted in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the people in my environment as hurtful when they express their own emotions in a time of weakness, and I take it personal believing that I am to blame or I am being rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as feeling rejected and left out if I am not received within the people in my environment in a positive way where they express themselves in a way that shows that they like me and I am good in there presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of feeling hurt because I have taken it personal in the sense that I have defined myself within the output of others and if someone does not show me pleasantly I believe it’s because they don’t like me and there is something wrong with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself fully with the flaws and the points I have changed into the best, where I realize I am in a process of growth and rebirth changing myself daily to the best of my ability and pushing my will to give it my all this life, and thus this is something that I have created within me and so within this I have proven that I am for real and that I can be proud of that fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek acceptance outside myself instead of living this word within me as I create a home as my temple within and as myself as my physical body, giving myself care, positive feedback, and acceptance for who I am and releasing the idea that I am not enough, I am not good, and I need to do something to be accepted by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need words of encouragement by others to feel fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the thought that I am not enough, when I see, realize, and understand that everything is here, I am enough as I am life fully, and I am able to walk the process as I see is here to become aligned to life one and equal.

I commit myself to create the moments in my day where I give myself care, self-care within myself of words of encouragement, gratefulness for who I have become, and recognizing the perseverance I have consistently shown to myself through difficult times and challenges to pull through and find solutions that support not only myself but others as well.

I commit myself to redefine the word home where I create a space within of comfort, safety, and relaxation as harmony in the understanding that this is a place of warmth to be at ease and know it’ll always be here as I am always here, it is within me thus home is here as me always I just have to breathe and create the space for myself.

I commit myself to give this care and warmth I will commit to live to myself to others unconditionally where I don’t seek anything in return, but practice my self fulfillment through living different ways and words that support me to take care and be self supported.

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Thursday, April 19, 2018

The Gift I Found in Self Acceptance is Self Trust - See How... - Day 562

Original Artwork by: Andrew Gable
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Who am I in relation to this word trust, and within that what I am really investigating is I am seeing is the ability to trust myself. What this immediately brings me to is looking within, trusting the voice of myself that is one of deep gentleness and calm that resides within my being. So here I have seen that I have established over my lifetime a sense of trust within myself through what I have learned and become aware of as my inner voice. Though I have walked many years in distinguishing between the voice my inner voice that I trust and the mind chatter or movement that comes up within that is experienced within energy movements as thoughts and emotions/feelings. Energy meaning it has movement to it and in a way, I experience it as I am following the thoughts, the emotions like a chasing in fact of the mind as thoughts. I will experience this energy in my body as tension or irritability for example where my voice gets hard, my body can go rigid, a rise of heat is experienced in the chest, and it can go into an experience of an eruption. As opposed to my inner voice that I have established within me is more experienced within me as a deep settledness, a calm in my body, a silence, and it comes with understanding, a constant knowing of who I am, and this '
i am' is aligned with life principle, what is best. 

I have always had a deep connection with this part of me, this inner voice, even when I was a child and I am sure we all can relate to this, its that knowing that there is something greater and more profound in me and in this life that is not readily here or known, but it is true, it is genuine, and it is supportive, this inner voice that feels like I am touching is good for lack of a better word, it is like a soft hand holding me as a support always. And this I have harnessed to something that I cherish within me all this time and hold to the fact that there is in fact in this world an understanding that this life matters and there is something more to discover, which has sent me on quite a quest to understand more of this understanding and knowledge I have come to know within myself about life.

Trust within myself though has not always been so deep and clear, yes I have had a connection with this deep part of myself, but I also have been very much influenced and created myself from my thinking patterns mainly of self ridicule, self abuse, and self bullying. This often leads to behavior that I take out on others due to not directing these parts of myself in a reasonable way, but more go to diminishing myself and others and so creating a diminished view of myself in this world and in fact creating it. Where at times little to no self-trust was present. 

I have memories of going into kindergarten, and man was I excited to experience the new scene, I heard my sisters and mom talk about it and I couldn’t wait to experience it for myself, the classroom, the books, the toys, the kids, and when I got there I was told that I was going to be tested. All of a sudden the excitement and experience of being in this new place full of adventure now turned into a fearful experience where I didn’t know how I was going to do on these test, was I smart enough to get in? Was I going to have to miss out on this new adventure because I didn’t pass my test? What is the test going to say about me? And so the experience of wonder turned into an experience of fear where I no longer trusted my own experience and how I was learning and interacting with my world, but now I was going to be told who I was through a test I had to take which will open or close the door to this new adventure I was so close to experience. This test was my only way forward I was seeing, I had no ability beside tantrum to let them know that I did not want to be tested and anyways my mom was not having that because I had to go to school, there were no other options.

This experience of school grew more and more into a point of fear and tension for me where i was more concerned with the experience of others and what I was going to be facing in my environment every day in terms of pressures or intense situations where I had to ‘step up’ instead of exploring at my own pace, getting to know and understand for myself what I was interacting with, and so finding my place within it all. Where I was more placing my trust in what I was getting as feedback from my enviroment to define who I was rather then going into myself, who i was, and how i was understanding myself within this new way of life, which is more how we experience ourselves as young children before the schooling years start typically.

This schooling experience I had and started to take in as who I was was contributing to my evolution of fear and self abuse I started to develop due to my warped way of taking in my world and how I interpreted with what I was taking in as input from others, my environment, and how I saw others treat me and people in general. So more just copying what would eventually help me to cope with my inner experiences of fear and tension and the growing perception that there is something wrong with me because I was not always measuring up. The coping experience was to be hard on me, beat myself up, and then I can keep cycling in the blame that I am not good enough, I am the problem, and so stay stuck, where I never actually find out what the real issue is that I am struggling with because I keep reacting to it and making it about having to be perfect, better, or more than who I already am here as my truth. In this stuckness, I don't have to go out of comfort zones, in this stuckness I know me and so life becomes routine, easy, yet perpetually more difficult because this I am not good enough evolves and grows as I keep allowing these experiences to direct me rather me it, so quite the conundrum of self-defeat I have been living through. 

This idea of being broken or damaged contributed to my quest to fix myself, make me more pretty, more smart, more excellent in whatever it is I was competing in and so my measure of who I was was no more on what and how I live in terms of my example as my words in action, what I learned through listening to that inner voice as a child, but more on satisfying an image in my mind I had to live up to. So a lot of my lack of self-trust was because I was not going within, I was not accepting who I was within what I was doing and being ok with what the results were in fact. This lack of self-trust is because I disconnected with my inner truth as the acceptance of who I am within my reality, the truth of the fact that I may not be well trained in something and within that that is ok, I can accept that, learn from it, and then grow to find the solutions that would make sense to make me better.

When we all know intrinsically that we can not be perfect in everything all in one go with all we do, it is just not possible, yet the drive I had for many years was based on this belief.  This acceptance of who I am here in fact and truth, no matter how bad, ugly, or silly it may be is the gateway to experience and get in touch with the self and the truth of oneself as one is in fact working with the reality of who one is in any given moment. Once one is facing the reality of who one is and accepts that, then one can embrace it to learn from it, and from there work on the process of improving and making it better through a real time understanding as one is walking it step by step. 

So trust i am finding is built through self acceptance, accepting the fact of who one is at any given moment to open the door for the truth of self to emerge and so the ability to trust in oneself because one in fact knows who and how one is and how to walk the process of learning, understanding, and growing to new heights or new depths with the information gathered and worked with. Trust then can open up the door to self-expansion, where new heights of growth and depth can be reached because one has accepted and worked with what is real, within and into the without of oneself. 

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