Aging into Infinity, Who I am as Aging - Day 35

High is Fun, Life is Boring.- Day 34

 

I’ve been experiencing myself within and as sober living, where I have stopped participating in drugs and alcohol, both of which I frequently used throughout my young adult and adult life.

There is an obvious roller coaster one goes through when dealing with the ups and downs of craving something one has become dependent on, not only mentally but also physically.

Weed, for instance, had become quite a normal occurrence in my life, and due to this, my body had become accustomed to and dependent on the feeling and experience of being high, as opposed to being sober.

I created a subtle polarity within myself: life with weed is fun, exciting, and interesting, while life without it is boring, routine, and dull.

So, through the physical cravings I am experiencing, I am also experiencing a need and a belief that I am not enjoying life or myself. There is a subtle feeling of depression within my everyday life, whether I am spending time with others, working, or simply going about my day.

Underneath this depressed feeling, I am experiencing anxiety and frustration due to the resistance I feel as I continue standing strong in my decision not to give in or give up on my commitment to stop smoking weed.

What I hadn’t fully seen or realized was that I was actually polarizing my experience of everyday life and contributing to this depressed feeling through the belief that everything is boring and dull without weed to enhance it.

When, in reality, I am also going through the effects of withdrawal and readjustment. These experiences have become quite subtle because it has been a while since I stopped, but they still come up from time to time.

Recognizing and becoming aware of this, and deciding that I will not participate in the addiction but instead stand by my decision, is releasing. It shows me that I am not enslaved, trapped, or bound to a never-ending cycle of pain and torment, with only brief moments of perceived relief during the high.

When I look at the experience realistically, I see that it is not actually fun or enjoyable for me.

Choosing myself and saying yes to myself and my genuine expression seems far more worthwhile and valuable than continuing to participate in a cycle of entrapment and dependency that has created hardship and consequences in my life.

This is not about blaming weed, but rather taking responsibility for my choices to abuse it and use it as an escape from myself and from what I require myself to face.

Self-Forgiveness to Set Myself Free

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-deception, where I lie to myself that my life is more enjoyable on weed, when I see, realize, and understand that it has a significant physical and mental effect on my well-being and stability, eventually creating instability and self-insecurity through not being able to trust myself and feeling powerless within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is more interesting and enhanced when I am on weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to attack the drug and the cravings, wanting to force them out of me, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I must embrace and accept the experience of the cravings as they arise, walk through them, and allow them to release without participating in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist embracing and facing what I have defined as my greatest weakness, and having to stand through it, because of my fear of failure and having to start over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear starting over and having to go through the entire cycle of addiction, withdrawal, and recovery again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame weed and the addiction instead of taking responsibility for my participation in the patterns, habits, beliefs, and choices through which I have maintained this dependency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire heightened and enhanced experiences through weed instead of living and expressing these words as myself, enhancing and developing myself through skills, hobbies, interests, and activities that I genuinely enjoy within my everyday life.

Self-Commitment Statements

I commit myself to letting go of the belief that I am weak and need something outside of myself to make me strong. Instead, I commit myself to living the word strength by standing within and embracing what I have defined as my weakness, guiding myself through it, and transforming my relationship with it into the strength of my being through integrity, self-trust, and doing what is good for me and best for my body.

I commit myself to seeing and realizing that the belief that life is more fun, interesting, and enjoyable on weed is actually a narrow and limited view. When I look at the experience realistically, I see that the cycle of addiction and dependency has been strenuous and painful at times, both mentally and physically.

I commit myself to walking gentleness, patience, and understanding with myself as I move through the difficult moments, holding and supporting myself through the discomfort and allowing myself the time and space to establish a new relationship with myself and my everyday life.

I commit myself to letting go of my resistance to facing the cravings and the consequences of my previous choices. Instead of fighting or fearing the experiences that arise within me, I commit myself to breathing, allowing the sensations and emotions to move through me, and remaining standing, present, and here.

I realize that I am still here, within and as my being and my body, and that there is so much more to explore, develop, create, and express within the physical reality of my everyday life than pursuing the temporary experience of getting high and returning to the entrapment of highs and lows.

I commit myself to remaining here, standing within self-awareness, and deciding who I am, what I participate in, and how I live and express myself in ways that are best for me, my body, and all life.

#addiction, #weed #stopcravings #gentleness #selfawareness, #desteni #process #selfforgiveness #bernardpoolman

Focus on Self - Day 33

 

Looking back at my process, the months and years i have been dedicating myself to my stand within and as my thought, words, and living to be best for all life, as i would like for myself. Though, i still see that i am not proficient as much as i like to be in focusing on myself. For instance, looking at someone close to me, whom i grew up with and been quite close with, i find my thoughts will go to blame, irritation, beliefs, ideas, of why for instance i see the relationship breaking down. 

The thoughts of why is ‘she/he’ so distant, why is ‘she/he’ choosing another over me, ‘why’ am i all the sudden in the background when we were so close, she/he is so rude and ungrateful of all the times i have stood by them, helped them, did favors, and the list can go on. This is the chatter within my mind, but within that, there is me as the being, sitting in the background accepting and allowing my mind/self to chatter in such hateful and grotesque ways. Meaning i would never speak this in front of him/her, only in my backchat, showing that i am actually a coward. Because its easy to talk shit in my mind about others, but to actually confront them, be stable enough to communicate effectively, and allow the other to say their piece and be as they may. No i instead do it in my mind, and create rifts and behind the cuff animosity that stems out into my own equilibrium in my body as these backchat thoughts eventually eat away at myself. It’s not healthy for the body, mind, or being, and it will come out in the relationship with the other where their will be some sort of fall out, or anger, or harshness because i am creating the thoughts, which creates the emotion anger/blame, and then at the right time and trigger with that other, attack. 

This has ripple effects that last well past that initial outburst, she/he could go back in shock and embarrassment then to resentment toward me cause they did not know where this came from, or understand as they are fine with me, they are grateful, and doing the best the can with the family/life situations they are dealing with, facing, and unknown to me the truth and magnitude of their events in their life. They could in that resentment because i blew up on them, go back to their kids, yell at them, and cause a pain in the child that effects their confidence and self image, potentially creating years of hardship for that child due to low self esteem. Again everything ripples, and we effect each other on so many levels many never seen with the naked eye and unknown to the depth and scope that it reaches. 

So i have found it very important endeavor to stop my thoughts, my backchat, and take responsibility for my reactions, beliefs, and ideas about what the chatter in my mind in the background is going on about. It starts within triggers and from there can fester and grow, like for me ‘him/her’ no longer calling and inviting me to hang out. This created a belief in my mind that i was left behind, and no longer important due to them know having a ‘partner’ that they can hang out with. Believing i was being used, and no longer fun/cool. This creating resentment in me and so shame, which i created for myself by allowing those thoughts to affect me, when in reality, that is not true. Again the other is doing the best they can, they have other responsibilities more pressing, and people are in need of their immediate attention. So here I see, realize, and understand it is made up, not real, and creating an oozing boil ready to create chaos and pain, which is unacceptable and not necessary. I see, realize, and understand, i require to build my own life, my own alignments and be ok with myself if need be to get things done when and as I don’t have others to spend time with or take conversation with.

Self forgiveness to give myself back to myself as life. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe the thoughts in my head about the other that they are doing something to me deliberately where i am seen as less then by them. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe the idea that i am not important any longer in the other beings life, when i see, realize, and understand they are no longer available as much due to other responsibilities they have in their life that is not something they deliberately did to spite me, but life just happening.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous that i no longer had access this being and blamed their partner for being the reason.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to secretly dislike the partner and backchat in my head that they are not a good person, not good for this being, when i see, realize, and understand this was done in spite and pain cause i allowed myself to believe and take on that i was being disadvantage by them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto an idea that me and this being have to converse a lot and spend time together a lot for me to have a fulfilling life as i see, realize, and understand i am actually addicted to the way in which i felt at this time.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the fact that i am calm, feel accepted, and feel comfortable with this other being, and don’t often feel this way with many people.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold this other trapped as a point of giving me pleasure instead of taking responsibility and giving this pleasure to myself as in standing as self comfortability, self acceptance, and calmness by practicing this living through taking time to breath, relax and take in my surroundings by slowing down and letting go of the mind/thoughts and be with me, understand what makes me feel comfortable and start building that for myself. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to need something from another instead of taking responsibility to stand as an equal and take care of myself where i am sufficient and in fact ask for help if it is actually needed, but not require it from another where they are not in the know or on the same page.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not stand in the other shoes in their life and living and all the different innumerable moments and beings they face and stand with, and thus i can’t be the only important relationship, there is many in all our lives, and stand as an actual true point of support for the other as what ‘solid’ relationship stand as as a point of Hereness and care, and in that allow the relationship to grow and expand naturally s life/self intends it and the other. 

I forgive myself to think in relation to this other, instead of in reality communicate with her, appreciate the time we do have together, and enjoy the presence as i am, and with her when those moments are here. 

I commit myself to stop the thoughts of blame/emotion and harm toward others, breath, and see who and what i can do to find meaning for myself, build something, write, paint, become productive in those moments, and so i commit to initiate movement in the relationship to understand more where we stand or invite more connection to allow it to grow rather then fester in my mind, and damage/destroy it over time as i see i am destroying myself.

I commit myself to let go of the blame toward others/partners and see them as an equal as myself walking the same earth and pressures we all face. 

I commit myself to create peace and solidarity with others rather then conflict and harm, by taking responsibility for myself and being proactive on self change in what is best for all life as I’d like. 

I commit myself to stand in the others shoes and get to know them more and their life, to see what they actually are facing and dealing with in reality, rather then belief thoughts nad create stories that go no where but in my stress/gut and harm my self/body.

#desteni #process #selfforgiveness #relationship #blame #friends #family #jealousy #selfresponsibility #belief #idea #mind #practicalliving #peace #calm