High is Fun, Life is Boring.- Day 34

 

I’ve been experiencing myself within and as sober living, where I have stopped participating in drugs and alcohol, both of which I frequently used throughout my young adult and adult life.

There is an obvious roller coaster one goes through when dealing with the ups and downs of craving something one has become dependent on, not only mentally but also physically.

Weed, for instance, had become quite a normal occurrence in my life, and due to this, my body had become accustomed to and dependent on the feeling and experience of being high, as opposed to being sober.

I created a subtle polarity within myself: life with weed is fun, exciting, and interesting, while life without it is boring, routine, and dull.

So, through the physical cravings I am experiencing, I am also experiencing a need and a belief that I am not enjoying life or myself. There is a subtle feeling of depression within my everyday life, whether I am spending time with others, working, or simply going about my day.

Underneath this depressed feeling, I am experiencing anxiety and frustration due to the resistance I feel as I continue standing strong in my decision not to give in or give up on my commitment to stop smoking weed.

What I hadn’t fully seen or realized was that I was actually polarizing my experience of everyday life and contributing to this depressed feeling through the belief that everything is boring and dull without weed to enhance it.

When, in reality, I am also going through the effects of withdrawal and readjustment. These experiences have become quite subtle because it has been a while since I stopped, but they still come up from time to time.

Recognizing and becoming aware of this, and deciding that I will not participate in the addiction but instead stand by my decision, is releasing. It shows me that I am not enslaved, trapped, or bound to a never-ending cycle of pain and torment, with only brief moments of perceived relief during the high.

When I look at the experience realistically, I see that it is not actually fun or enjoyable for me.

Choosing myself and saying yes to myself and my genuine expression seems far more worthwhile and valuable than continuing to participate in a cycle of entrapment and dependency that has created hardship and consequences in my life.

This is not about blaming weed, but rather taking responsibility for my choices to abuse it and use it as an escape from myself and from what I require myself to face.

Self-Forgiveness to Set Myself Free

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-deception, where I lie to myself that my life is more enjoyable on weed, when I see, realize, and understand that it has a significant physical and mental effect on my well-being and stability, eventually creating instability and self-insecurity through not being able to trust myself and feeling powerless within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is more interesting and enhanced when I am on weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to attack the drug and the cravings, wanting to force them out of me, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I must embrace and accept the experience of the cravings as they arise, walk through them, and allow them to release without participating in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist embracing and facing what I have defined as my greatest weakness, and having to stand through it, because of my fear of failure and having to start over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear starting over and having to go through the entire cycle of addiction, withdrawal, and recovery again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame weed and the addiction instead of taking responsibility for my participation in the patterns, habits, beliefs, and choices through which I have maintained this dependency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire heightened and enhanced experiences through weed instead of living and expressing these words as myself, enhancing and developing myself through skills, hobbies, interests, and activities that I genuinely enjoy within my everyday life.

Self-Commitment Statements

I commit myself to letting go of the belief that I am weak and need something outside of myself to make me strong. Instead, I commit myself to living the word strength by standing within and embracing what I have defined as my weakness, guiding myself through it, and transforming my relationship with it into the strength of my being through integrity, self-trust, and doing what is good for me and best for my body.

I commit myself to seeing and realizing that the belief that life is more fun, interesting, and enjoyable on weed is actually a narrow and limited view. When I look at the experience realistically, I see that the cycle of addiction and dependency has been strenuous and painful at times, both mentally and physically.

I commit myself to walking gentleness, patience, and understanding with myself as I move through the difficult moments, holding and supporting myself through the discomfort and allowing myself the time and space to establish a new relationship with myself and my everyday life.

I commit myself to letting go of my resistance to facing the cravings and the consequences of my previous choices. Instead of fighting or fearing the experiences that arise within me, I commit myself to breathing, allowing the sensations and emotions to move through me, and remaining standing, present, and here.

I realize that I am still here, within and as my being and my body, and that there is so much more to explore, develop, create, and express within the physical reality of my everyday life than pursuing the temporary experience of getting high and returning to the entrapment of highs and lows.

I commit myself to remaining here, standing within self-awareness, and consciously deciding who I am, what I participate in, and how I live and express myself in ways that are best for me, my body, and all life.

#addiction, #weed #stopcravings #gentleness #selfawareness, #desteni #process #selfforgiveness #bernardpoolman