Day 16 - Commitment Phobia

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I realized recently that one of my major self sabotage point has been fearing commitments, whenever I get into a commitment with someone or something I do not last long, I get to a point where i put myself in a dire decision, and in the extreme nature of the decision that i have to make - go left or go right, I find i have been doing it in haste, in fear, within my mind, causing lots of regret later on in life and shame, and more fear. I am in a way feel delinquent in making a decision that is practical and can be best for all, so more a self judgment of not being good enough or capable, This I am seeing based on the manner in which i make decisions, where i can do it in the moment, spontaneous, but it is not my real spontaneous decision as everything in this reality is preprogrammed not for what is best but for enslavement. 

The moments one is real to direct self is when one self investigate, walk self honesty and self forgiveness, commit to living change of self that is of living substance that supports life growth, and in this walk what is best for all as in living the commitment of change for oneself until it's done. The decision being one that was self investigated in self honesyt, self forgiven to understand the flaws, and researched and understood in the fact checking, pros and cons, and living the understanding that is best. 

So it's a point of self change and self discipline, principled standing within the physical actions it takes to actually walk such a deep dive into self and a decision for instance that has to be made. This will require dedication and perseverance cause the mind/reality is not easy, it takes a point of grit but it's here as self responsibility and must be done. 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear i am gong to make the wrong decision, i see, realize, and understand there is no wrong decision and what is here is what one create as ones thoughts, words, and deeds, thus i see, and I commit to standing in my shoes and all others and creating a decision for myself that is best for all the best i can understand by living the process to understand all facets and facts of the decision I am about to make. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into a form of self harm where i feel as if i do not have the ability or understanding to make a decision in my life that is best for all and will support life in it's fullest expression based on carrying my past here and seeing on all the rotten decisions i have made in specific moments in my life. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and not forgive myself fully for the past mistakes as actions done in the physical where i did not chose a path of best for all living, and in this create a point of self abuse and harm to see myself less then others and inferior and i can never stand as an equal.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as not equal and a lesser version of life who doesn't have any real worth and doesn't really need to exist/be here cause i will just continue to make the wrong decision and harm abuse life/myself. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the decisions made where based on not slowing down and walking the timelines within self investigation and self commitment to understand the ins and outs and fine tune the information so i can gather the facts and make an informed decision, but based on impatience i move in a way of self compromise which causes my life to be compromised and chaotic as it's not stable nor predictable but done in the moment. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to decide that i am going to live impatience and not actually walk the step by step it takes which creates my life to be stable, but continue this, which is self abdication of responsibility to make a decision in a patient manner best one can as this is best for all and common sense.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed laziness within decision making where i don't slow down, but rush cause i allow the energy of it's too much pressure, it's too much to understand, i don't know, and the energy built up of these thoughts as pressure and tightness in my chest and into my head, where i feel like i have to just do it, not seeing, realizing, and understanding that i can breathe through the energy, releasing it, and finding the solutions within the slowing down and self investigation, writing/sounding self forgiveness, and change. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy and complacent in my responsibility to be my highest potential this life, and in this expect too much and so built up energy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become robotic and just have my mind blurt out the decision in the moment and live with the consequences of the chaos that'll ensue as i did not walk the self responsibility to under-stand what it is i am deciding on and will direct my life with.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give into the mind in the hast decisions and so not care in the outcome but me getting a fix of energy as a release of the pressure i allowed within the thinking thoughts, and in desire relaxing instead of walking the decision properly.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire a release rather then breathing through the energy and walking self forgiveness until i release the energy and direct it myself back to the earth, substance, my physical.

I see, realize, and understand i am responsible for myself and my actions and decisions.

I commit myself to as best i am able to take some time and space to write out a decision i am going to make, research ways to walk such a decision, and put it into writing and myself into it where i find the facts, and make an informed decision best i am able to when and as the moments arise and come up to do such a point.

I commit myself to stop judging myself for not living the best decision that i could have made. 

I commit myself to live the word patience which is to pay attention to my life and the life of all involved, and what is in fact best for all.

I commit myself to understand what is best for all within the actions and decisions i make and ultimately what is best for all life and will birth life within who i am as my life which will support in my outer life/world as well. 

Next blog on - relationship commitment fears.

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Family and Competition: The Pressure that Builds - Day 487

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What causes the child to rebel against there parents as I had within my childhood? I mostly translate it to the fact that I didn’t know how to really connect with them in the way that my inner being desired. There was also this disconnect in a way that was created through words or the resonance of words that drove me to have inner conflict and anger outflowed into my world because I couldn’t articulate what it is I was wanting from my parents and what it is that I was experiencing within me, I had no idea what it was, though this inner voice was there and it was powerful. This obviously created frustration on both ends of the spectrum, myself were I would be chastised and partitioned away based on my parents not really having the time nor the real patience to hear me and get to the essence of what I was looking for. With my parents, where they didn’t have the opportunity or the know how to really connect with me on a deeper level and understand from a point of view that was necessary, they couldn’t walk this based on survival. And this is not to blame my parents or blame any point within myself or my childhood, but a real self honest understanding of what creates such a rift between parent and child growing up and into adulthood.

One of the key factors was money, there was always pressure and stress in relation to money and also there was also a pressure and stress within myself to live to a certain standard. This was impulsed from many directions in society be it schoolmates, billboards, tv, magazines, neighbors, celebrities and what I had or didn’t have was always running in the back of my mind. Everybody wants to be seen as the best/cool and no one wants to be seen other then this, so there is also this stress going on to be accepted, and within this, the parents are the only way for the child to fulfill this requirement to gain acceptance in their childhood. We had enough though there was always this feeling within me that I wanted more, there was never enough, I was always feeling inadequate in some way or another, and my parents not able to satisfy this self anger of not having enough, this rift started to form based on the idea that I had created that there must be something wrong with me or my family because I can’t get what ever one else has.

This then stemmed into my family structure where I started comparing myself to my sisters and seeing that I am not this and I don’t have that skill, I need that to feel fulfilled, but I don’t know how to get that. So there was not only the pressure of the outer world to be accepted, I was finding there was also a pressure within the family, the place were you are suppose to be most safe and comfortable, much was communicated between everyone and it was a lot of mental and physical pressure.

More to come in later blogs.  

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Family and Competition Part 2 - What Causes Lack? Day 485

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So within my last blog I spoke about how the education system initiates children into the system within competition from the get go, showing us as adults who we are within what we are doing, does it register and do we even care that we are creating our entire society and what we do within it from a competitive starting point. I mean even at five years old, I became stressed and anxious within going to my first day of school, this is not the best environment for children nor what I would want any child to have to endure. We tend to use the excuse of “oh but it’s human nature, this is just how it is” or “they will survive, I mean I did and look at me, I am successful, I worked hard, I survived”. But again is this the best we can do? Is this how we want our children to be experiencing their worlds? Why not have a place were all are welcome, there is a place for everyone, everyone is accommodated, and we create solutions and tools to facilitate the best environment for all. 

This is most certainly possible, we are using the above excuses and one’s like those to avoid and not face the change that is inevitable within each one. We don’t want to change ourselves, we don’t want to change our minds, we don’t want to walk the talk so to speak of creating a better world because as we know this best for all society is not going to create itself, we in fact have to create it, build it, endure the trials and tribulations, the failures and miss-takes, everything this will take. And another point I have realized is that this world is not going to come about one that is best for all and considers all if each one doesn’t change within themselves to accommodate such a society, if we want to create peace and harmony, we have to do that internally in our own worlds/self.

Each (human) being is a universe, and so with great knowledge comes great responsibility, but the fruits of the labor put in is a world that will be heaven on earth, who can deny such a world and a world we can birth for our children to come who in essence is each one of us. So competition in our worlds is showing one thing currently and that is that we are not living life, but surviving, we are not finding solutions, but existing as the problem, we are not walking with others, but trying to destroy and become better then others. This I have found is due to the inherent insecurity each one of us feels about ourselves, so this point of insecurity and so superiority we all cycle within has to be investigated, corrected, and transcended to see the solutions that lie beyond that play out. This all takes a process and has already been walked by many on this earth, which is the desteni I process. It takes years of dedication and discipline to walk this journey to life, but there is no other choice for all those who stand within a self integrity and honor for life, we must get this done.

Here I will walk some self forgiveness on the point I mentioned in my childhood and the competition that is driven within the education system currently. This so I/we can support the solution of what is best and creating an equality within the education field.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be in competition with other people in my world based on a standard test that is placed on humans to gauge where they stand and how to systematize there living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a system in place to limit and diminish the creative expressive ability of human life into standardized testing to put human life into categories where it’s easier to be controlled and hoarded around to facilitate the system of slave/master mentality we have made a way of life here on this earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to taint innocent life with survival and fear of survival based on the belief that some lack and some are more worthy in this physical earth, when I see, realize, and understand that there is neither lack nor fear that is necessary on this planet and that all things can be measured and walked into what is best based on the physical mathematical equations to see this through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become greedy within myself where I desire to have more then others and create an experience for myself of more, when I see, realize, and understand that this experience is only a fleeting one and will never truly fulfill me, but only continue to diminish me as I continue this quest for more and so within that create equally create the experience of lack.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the systematic experience of survival where lack is displayed and survival needs are developed through this belief based on the greed of self interest and desire for more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of self judgment when I do these things of harming life instead of forgiving myself, moving to the correction which is walking what is best for all, and moving into solutions immediately that will facilitate the best outcome for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become enslaved within my own creation based on following experiences of energy instead of remaining balanced here in breath and realizing and so living the principles of life that is here one and equal and doing what is best for all which will always create the best life for self in all ways.

When and as I see I am going into a form of desire and greed to gain more then another, I stop and breath, and realize that this will create the experience of superiority which will then in turn cycle through the experience of insecurity causing survival to activate and lack to become manifested.

I commit myself to let go of the desire to have more and walk what is best for all in all I do and live.

I commit myself to let go of the experience of superiority where I see I am more and then take more, by standing within an integrity of myself by stopping this thought and solving the problem which will create what is best for all involved.

I commit myself to stop the experience of lack and realize all the gifts already here in my life and living reality.

I commit myself to be grateful for life and my breath and stop the experiencing of not enough.

I commit myself to change myself to be the best version of myself and walk solutions so the children to come are respected and honored as equal physical beings the same as self here.

I will continue in my next blog, thanks.


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Family and Competition – Day 484

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How is it that we become so competitive and driven to survival within this reality? I have been looking at this point recently and have found within most of my interactions there is an underlying experience and desire to be the best and compete. This desire comes in many subtle forms, they are thoughts that go on in the background, not very noticeable or visible, but they are certainly there. They are fueled within self insecurity and judgments. These thoughts I would say are the secret mind thoughts, the thoughts that I wouldn’t want anyone to see or hear, so within this there is an experience of shame and self dishonesty that I am experiencing. Where this leads to feeling inadequate and going into the world to try and make myself better, and to do this I go into competition, where I can be seen as more or better in some way. So the essential point that is moving this participating in the bad emotions such as judgment of myself or others which creates this desire to feel better. But what is this all holding up and keeping in place, shame, judgment, competition, and self dishonesty.

This is obviously not the way to self equality with oneself and one’s environment, so I looked at this point more in depth and realized that this desire to compete and be more has been with me since my childhood, I have always had this drive to compete and be more then. This started with my family and the culture that was created within my childhood years. The circumstances for children coming into this world vary based on income of the family and personal awareness, so there is many outflows we as a society have to take responsibility for and also support, so here I want to walk through some of these scenarios for myself so I can stand and take responsibility for them and stop them from perpetuating in my world and reality. 

To start, I remember going to my first experience of school where I was quite excited to experience all the different toys and games that I saw when I would drop off my sisters. This excitement diminished when I got to the kindergarten classroom, where I was given these tests to find out where I stood within the class and if I was going to be able to get in. I remember being stressed and anxious about the test taking because I had no idea where I stood in relation to it and I feared not being able to get into this cool looking classroom.

Here is one experience of competition and fear of survival that came up in my life and how this effected the whole rest of my schooling years where I associated this building with having to keep score and make the cut, competing with numbers and other children and environments, I mean it is a stressful thing to throw a child into not knowing what to expect and having no real understanding of the reason for the testing and why it is being done, and just expect them to be enjoying themselves and ok with all of it. Children aren’t told anything, they are mostly forced into what it is that is expected of them over traditions and never included in the decision. If children fight back, they are seen as rebellious and handled in a more strict way. This goes into parenting and how parents create a dynamic of master/slave relationship that the child certainly picks up on and becomes defiant in a way toward, which is extended into the system, such as the education system and the way in which is operates. This is from my personal experience of my own childhood and some insight and perspective to support with changing to solutions that will support all and create a better world for all.

I will continue in my next blog, thanks.

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Living Self Courage - Moving through Resistances – Day 429

Yesterday I had a work event where I had to face my fears and move through resistances that were intense and very familiar. This initially started in the morning before I was set to go to the event, when I am getting ready, I would look in the mirror and see within myself that I am not looking good enough. I will then start to participate in thoughts and feelings of anxiety and dread about the day where I am going to be feeling ‘ugly’ the whole day. Now this feeling is something I have been living with for a long time, this coming from many times and patterned behaviors from the past where I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and in my mind analyze myself in comparison to others in why I am worse or better.

So going to this event all the same patterns started to emerge, where I was dreading walking out the door because within me I had already failed, I was already seeing myself as a failure based on not being able to compete and live up to this illusion of an expectation I have been creating in my mind that I have to look perfect to then be able to present myself as perfect, though this perfection doesn’t in fact exist. There is no one on the planet that is able to live up to the expectation I have morphed and changed and sculpted within my mind to be this perfect picture, it simply is illusionary and absolutely insane that I am allowing this point to have so much power over me. I realize though through support form eqafe that the mind is using these moments where I give in and give up within myself to take over and keep generating these thoughts and emotions for me to believe this is real, this is who I am so the mind within my physical body can generate energy and continue existing as it does in full control.

Though, thankfully I have supportive partner who helped me walk through the door and get me to the event where we needed to be at that moment. I again at the booth started to see these thoughts and the feelings were coming up of dread and feeling like I am a failure, but again I kept getting supportive words from those around me and this helped. I then saw this fear and I was looking at it and within me seeing that it is so strong and so big, I don’t know how I am going to be able to walk and do this, and stop participating in these thoughts and feelings. Though the only way to my freedom from these feelings and thoughts continuing to haunt me is for me to in real time stop them, breath, forgive myself, and stand within myself as a life force able and willing to move beyond my fears, and live self courage.

This the courage and living of never giving up or giving into to these thoughts and feelings of diminishment no matter what I face is an act of perseverance to push through and make this world a better place. So as life is here always to be faced as self, I then got put into the situation that I was fearing where I had to speak to the people walking by because there was no one else who could. So I started speaking. And again I started speaking, and then again, and by the fourth or fifth time I was feeling like my ‘normal’ self again, I found my words and I was actually pretty surprised at my ability to speak to others and find ways to explain the product in the moment.

My point to the blog is that in order to move through our fears and our beliefs about ourselves of self compromise like I have with this fear of people and believing I am not good enough for this, I realized that this resistance has to be walked through, the fears have to be walked through and faced in the moment, and I have to change in the moment, I have to move myself to change this belief about myself and prove that I can become more. Otherwise there is no other way to the success I want for myself in selling my product or the success to making the world a better place. I have to face these things and within this the gift had emerged where I was able to see my potential in action in real time as I shared myself and moved myself to support my business in the opportunities presented and I created to do so. I also am grateful for these people in my life who support me when I need it and are there for me when I am not there for myself.

Self forgiveness to come as I will walk more in the next blog on this point of letting go of fear and walking through resistances. Thanks.

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Hearing ‘Bad’ News – Day 377

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Yesterday I heard some news that was consider within my mind, bad. I wished that this news would be different, that I didn’t have to face this news and I could go back in time and change the scenario to be happy news, news that is not so emotional, news I can live with, but it was what in fact in reality happen so it’s news that is here. I don’t really know how I will walk and open up this process of hearing bad news, this news is based on a personal issue that is related to me indirectly. The fear I see coming up is more in the line of loss and despair, such as there is nothing I can do about it. But I realize giving into these fears will only make the whole situation worse and create more consequences for myself then necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting bad news about things that will personally effect me because I fear the loss of things/people in my world and this creates a feeling of despair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of others and things in my world and not in fact move beyond this fear and look at what it is in fact in the physical I can do to support and assist the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and follow the feeling of despair in my world and so believe that within this feeling I will loss myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create more fear within the point of looking at things through the energy of despair and seeing that there is no outcome that will be created that is desired because I am only looking through this point of the news through this energy of a loss of hope.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at the news within a hope of everything working out and being ok.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the news within a point of polarity of hoping for good results and becoming disappointed within it’s the opposite of these desired results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for good results with the news that I was given, and within this hope I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope in my mind for the results to be good as I realize that this is only based on my mind reality and so will create a point of dependency of desires and becoming disappointed if they are not reached rather then sticking to the physical and working with what is here and the physical steps needed to practically move and direct the point as best I am able to.

When and as I see I am going into the polarity of desiring good news and so becoming disappointed if the news is not good and falling into despair, I stop and breath, and realize that these energetic reactions I engage in within my living is creating the experiences within me of feeling overwhelmed and run down and not able to move, when in reality I am still here and I realize I can use what is here in support and assist the situation to an outcome that is in fact the best it can be.

I commit myself to move beyond the fear of getting bad news and so let go of the desire for good news.

I commit to breath through the desire to go into the positive energy as getting good news and so dissipate the energy of becoming disappointed and so I commit to live here in stability in what is here to walk through and direct in self honesty and common sense.

I commit to find practical solutions in the physical that can assist with the situation and become a stable support if and when I am needed.

I commit to remain practical and reality based in my living within the situation and let go of the energies to become emotional.

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