Friday, November 16, 2018

Back on the Writing Train - Day 570

I haven't written a blog in some time though I enjoy writing, I will continue on writing out my mind process and the self-forgiveness with it so as to support myself and maybe support others in their mental health and so physical well being of their life.

The topic for today is about sadness, I have been sad recently and for me, in my life, I really should not be sad. I have everything I need, I have many opportunities, and lots of people who care about me and give me support. So I have a lot, though this sadness is coming from within me, seems deep, a deep point of sadness I have been experiencing, one I know as I open it up will be challenging though this is what I want to uncover, the shit that challenges me so I can face it once and for all and move on to live more self-direct and self-supportive through understanding and so living the change necessary. So for this sadness, I am seeing it is due to relationships, I am feeling lonely currently and this is due to a desire to have companionship and essentially a partner. This I am more seeing as a program that is coming up, a habitual desire that I have participated in for a lot of my life because when I am alone I need to take more of an effort to be with me, like there is this deep hole within me that I feel some sort of emptiness and within that my life feels dull or boring or more that I am not feeling fulfilled in who and what I am doing.

Though practically speaking I am doing a lot, mostly work these days, I am running a company with my cousin and dad who is soon to retire, and we are very busy. I am understaffed at the moment so I am having to pick up all the little tasks that are needing to get done and no one is there to do them. So I have a lot of work like task work to do every day, this is somewhat fulfilling, though this is more for survival and within this, it does not sit well with me as something that I would like to do and live as my creative pursuit in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I do understand that work of all kind is necessary as stuff has to get done and not everyone can do what they love to do, though I do see a better way and potential for humanity to exist in this world that is not needing to survive to exist. But in the meantime, this is what I am doing, so there is pressure on me to perform and be responsible for all these tasks I do on a daily basis as well as the extra stuff that comes up that needs to get done. So my job for the most part is fine, though within my purpose of why I am doing this job and my plans to support a higher good are always within me, so this pursuit is a point of self-fulfilling I can stand within as walking such a goal is not only supporting myself but lots of others as well. So this in the process and as I walk this and fulfill what I set out to do, I can see a satisfaction being lived out. Patience and flexibility are also needed in such ventures though pushing through challenges and staying disciplined I have found are hallmarks to building the fulfillment of self that I am seeing I am yearning for.

Another point is that I am desiring a partner to settle down with, though I am also seeing that I have a fear here due to not wanting to get into a relationship where the person will not work out or will not suit me well. I find myself to be a bit peculiar in my interests and pursuits though I do see that I will fit in with someone nicely if they do decide to come around. So it seems that this sadness as of late is coming from a desire to have a relationship yet fearing one due to not wanting to get into the wrong one or one that will not work out in the end. I also have this idea coming up that when I am in one and have that desire met it'll lose its lust and I will desire to be single again, and not want to deal with the inner workings and dealings that relationships with others bring.

So I will walk some forgiveness on these points and clear the path for a change I can live with and brings out the best, here it goes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a desire to have a specific outcome in my day and life where I know what I am doing, who I will be, and who I will meet and thus fulfill a desire to have a fulfilling conversation or interaction with another to where I feel more valuable or worthy because I did interact with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a desire to interact and have friendly conversations with others in my world because I have created the idea and belief that if I am having friendly conversations with others it means I have value and have something to offer others because they decided to stop and talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to go into a point of reveling in the energy of being liked, having people to talk to, being seen by others, getting noticed and thus desire to have this and so if I don't have this intereaction believe I then am not these things, not good enough essentially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i am not being noticed or talked to by others that I am then not as worthy as when I am being noticed and talked to by others, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am based on counting and holding the score of who talks to me and when.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the energetic desire of feeling good and happy when i am noticed and people talk to me and thus within my secret mind go into competition and comparison of others where I label and polarize myself and others based on the numbers, and create assumptions of why some are getting more and some aren't, which is not actually standing in physical reality here but lingering in the mind illusions of thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was younger create the decision to see myself as not as good as others based on the experience I got when I was humiliated in front of others and thus saw others kids not having to go through this experience, seeing myself as inferior and less than and from there desire and decided to figure out why I am this way and others are able to bypass such uncomfortable experiences such as these.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am based on a memory of experiences I went through as a child and thus hold onto the conclusions I made in that time instead of here changing who I am in relation to these memories and experiences within me and redefine who I am in relation to friendship, people on the street, family members, coworkers, and thus give myself a foundation for my stand to thus use as a point of creative movement.

I commit myself to redefine the word friendship for myself in relation to the relationships in my life and who I will be without comparison or competition, but me as a being meeting myself in another.

This for next blog, thanks for reading.

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