What I have Learned - Day 508

Find more art Here by Andrew Gable

I have learned a lot about myself and about what I am capable of through walking this process of living in a way that is best for all, not that I am always living in this way, but that I am creating myself and that I am a plus one always to find solutions for myself to be best and for this world to be best. Why am i capable of this because i have proven to myself that I can live this through changing addictions, thought patterns, releasing energy holds, find solutions to problems, expanding my world beyond my limits, challenging myself beyond my fears, and getting through once impossibility to becoming proficient and stable within the action. I do like walking this process, I like the challenge of it, and I like to realize my own perseverance within what it takes to walk this, through the mind layers and the worst of myself. I have never in a million years thought I would ever be where I am today, yet I am not yet even close to the true potential that exist within me, and furthermore where I am now within myself seems much more real and substantial then I have ever been.

What I have realized through walking self forgiveness, self investigation, self commitment to change, and integrating through practicing the living change in is that this is a process that will take everything one has to birth as life, and in the end of it, it will have been worth every drop of suffering, I can’t hardly speak to the unfathomable untapped potential that exist within and as human beings on this earth today. We are living a minuscule percent of who we really are, and what we are capable of as equal and one to the life source that has created all of this physical existence, we are the creators equal and one in fact. We are it, equal and one, we are life forever. I heard this saying shared by bob marley the other day where, he was discussing money and was asked how much riches he had? He said what is rich? I am life forever. And I mean in fact this is for real, though one can only access life here in the physical and only can become equal and one here in this physical existence to be an individualized life being, so that is why it’s imperative to start walking process now. It seems like ‘come on, what, we are living life, we are cool, life is great’, but if you really look inside yourself you know we are not living life. You will see misery, fear, anxiety, worry, desires to be more, rich, free, and never able to really truly feel comfortable and safe. Yes, some have all the riches materially, but they are not free, they are bound equal and one to the outcome of this existence and if one is enslaved we all are enslaved. Having these emotions and ups and downs of life within our very selves is not stability, is not grounded, is not what is best.

Self responsibility is a process to understand and realize the best of ourselves, it is the furthest thing one wants to look at when waking up and realizing what one has done in this life, causing massive amounts of harm and abuse – if one looks at your thoughts, they are of abuse, twisted, and sick, this is not to judged because it’s programmed, we have been programmed by external sources as we have abdicated ourselves to others as god, as the government, as leaders, as celebrity, the list goes on, though we eqaully have the capability to re-program or create ourselves into the best versions of ourselves. This is all a direct ability within each one, and desteni supports with this creation of self and the tools to see it through. We are equal and one responsible for who each one has created themselves to be here, this is a fect. Meaning in the afterlife you will face all of yourself, so there is no escape. So it’s to understand self within one’s mind, walk the process of self change at desteni.org that many are walking, and stand up for solutions that are best for all.

One of the greatest tools I can part with you here and has supported me throughout my process thus far has been perseverance, I have made it my duty, challenge, and joy to walk and understand myself as my mind and so change myself into life and do what is best for all. I see the potential in myself and the life that is here as all, and the beauty and magnificence that this vision holds of a life of all living their utmost potential has been motivating and supporting me throughout my journey to life by living this word perseverance.

How I lived this word was first I committed myself to never give up, even if I fall, even if I am ready or on the brink of giving up, I breath and move through the storm because there is always a calm, and I continue on. I find ways of understanding, I ask questions, I do research, I observe myself and others, I test points and see what I find, I make mistakes and learn a lot, I become humble and realize I must change, I bear the grit of the pain, I breath through the emotions, and I appreciate the position I am in as a life walker, someone who has the potential to birth as life and be a solution for the world that is to come heaven on earth. I never ever ever give up on myself and I am learning now how to never ever give up on others who are me in fact. So this never giving up is expanding into more and more of my world as I expand more and more into the world.

We all have this potential within us, to be our best in our potential, each one realizes this point and must make the decision to walk this for themselves – no one can make this decision but self. Though realize, there is always support, always solution, and a community of life here that is waiting, willing, and able to assist and support you as I have been assisted and supported and how I have assisted and supported myself. So everything is here to be able to walk this process, one just has to simply start and realize if you never give up, you will make it, that is key that we never give up on ourselves and so life here in what is best for all. Perseverance is the engine that moves you through it all, it’s quite a process, but can be an enjoyable one based on perspective. Enjoy and thanks for reading.

Self Supportive Material -
http://www.Eqafe.com

Desteni-I-Process Lite Beginner course -
http://www.lite.desteniiprocess.com

Forum support:
http://forum.desteni.org

Desteni Wiki:
http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page

Eqafe Facebook Page:
https://www.facebook.com/Eqafe-359136...

7 year journey to life Facebook group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/journ...

DIP Lite on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/DIPLite

Soul - School of Ultimate Living - Create yourself through Words!
http://www.schoolofultimateliving.com/

"Don't question My Authority" Character and Solution - Day 505

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A pattern I am noticing at my work that I have been participating in and not taking responsibility for has been when I am becoming irritated at others, not outright or not even a lot of the time, but there are moments where I will become irritated and frustrated as if I allowed these back chat thoughts to accumulate and then they come out in behavior or specific energy presences I’ll be in toward these people. What I am starting to realize more and more is that even though I may seem like I am not effecting others or I am not out right reacting to others in my presence, that even small resistances or irritations that I hold in, resonately can be felt by others and their behavior will in turn change. Before I started taking more and more responsibility for my thought, word, and deed, I would blame the other person for being the problem, reacting and causing a situation in the office or where ever we are, it was them not me. Though now, I am seeing how my very behavior, even in the slightest of movements or non-movements that I make, even one word that I say where I am in a slight reaction, overtime or even in that moment will change the person receiving my behavior and reactions in a way that is not supportive, and thus I can effect and change another persons presence and so have outflows in this instance that are not best for all, which is unacceptable.

So I am learning and realizing the responsibility I do hold within walking and being aware as I am of my own mind, my own thoughts, my own reactions, and having the tools of self support and self change I have been walking for six years now, I realize I must move myself to change myself always, it is always the question of ‘who am I in this moment?;. Those in my environment are not the one’s who are responsible at this stage because they have little to no knowledge of self honesty and self forgiveness, and thus their only access to becoming this is through my example and my living presence of myself. So I am moving myself here and forward to stop all reactions within me and not move until I am clear within looking at myself first before I speak or assist another person.

I will be walking the pattern/character that is playing out here in this specific scenario with another person at work and the solutions/living words I will support myself with to not accept anything less then what is best for all and changing myself to become my highest potential.

The character I saw that was playing out within this specific scenario is where my authority was being thwarted and I was becoming competitive and fearful of another attempting to tell me what to do and how to do my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the character of being the authority over others and placing value in this as if I am more then or superior to others, where I am believing myself to have the right and the privilege to direct and not be questioned or told what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become superior within my work position because I hold a leadership role over others and have created the belief that I am more then others or better equipped to be in this position and blindly placed a higher value in myself then others in my working environment because of this perceived authority I have over others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive I have the right to tell people what to do and be pushy if I need to be to get people moving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to use force to move people rather then living the words patience, gentleness, and support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able and have the right to not be questioned due to what I have to do and deal with at work, when I see, realize, and understand that I am not considering nor standing in anyone else’s shoes, but my own and desiring sympathy and recognition from others for what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nasty and spiteful toward others when I am not seen within an authority stand point and so within this become reactive in my backchat that this person is stepping out of line and that I should be respected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a power trip where I believe myself to be special and more then others based on what I do rather then see, realize, and understand that we are all doing work and all are equally here to be honored and respected for participating and supporting the flow of the work done and doing our best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see the bad of another and harp on that instead of seeing, realizing and understanding it’s not about the other at all, but who am I within what I do, how do I behave, and where am I standing within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be more based on the placement I am in in the company instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that it’s about each one being equals and supporting all to be there best as I support myself to stand in my best and do what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop moving in energy as irritation and take responsibility for myself where I see I am able to change and live the word support, where I can stand as a support for another when the moment arises rather then going into reaction and conflict.

I commit myself to see all in my work place as well as my world as equals and each one playing a role/part to support the whole of the business grow and stay prosperous.

I commit myself to stand with others as equals realizing that my role is not based on what I do but who I am within what I do and how I stand as a supportive example for others to be the best they can be.

I commit myself to live the word humility and see what I can learn from others and be assisted within their presence to grow and expand.

I commit myself to live the words patience’s and gentleness with others as how I would like to be treated if I was in the same position.

I commit myself to write out the systems and directions and become more self directed, so I can become a leader that is effective and supports all to be the best they can be.

Self Supportive Material - 

http://www.Eqafe.com

Desteni-I-Process Lite Beginner course -

http://www.lite.desteniiprocess.com

Forum support: 

http://forum.desteni.org

Desteni Wiki:

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page

Eqafe Facebook Page:

https://www.facebook.com/Eqafe-359136...

7 year journey to life Facebook group:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/journ...

DIP Lite on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/DIPLite

Change Is Happening - Day 491

I am writing on my phone so Im going to make this post shorter then usual. I was in church today for a funeral and realized two distinct things. The first one is the action of being here, I have not been in church and particpated with emotions such as when someone close to you has died in quite some time. 

So i was in the pew and the people around me were crying, i haven't ever been in such a position were i was so close to the person who died. So i did experience saddness though when it came up within me i experienced myself being able to stop it from effecting me. I realized i can stop this, i dont have to be in this experience of the emotional toll that comes kn when i fully go into the saddness experience, experiencing the drop in comfortability, the spiral motion of crying,the pressure on the physicsl, i didnt have to play out the whole playout. 

Though, i was sad in the sense of understanding the loss, but i could direct myself to realize that the whole saddness energy is not necessary for me to mourn his death. I felt much more stable and grounded like i was in control, and this i found very enpowering as i could support others more clearly and directly then if i myself was in the energy of saddness and only prepccupied with how sad it is and how horrible i feel about it. There is a strength in stability and its not to disrespect any part of life, but to realize we are more powerful then meets the eye. We have so much potential as beings that live, lets make the new year one of growth for self and all in doing what is best.

The next point ill speak in my next blog. Thanks. 

Stubbornness Dissected - Who am I within this? Day 439

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I have come to realize that I am quite a stubborn person, I have a hard time not getting my way and having to adhere to another’s way of doing things. I have for a while wanted to deny this aspect of myself or simply run away from it because to look at this means I have to face it and change it. I find that within this fear of facing myself within stubbornness, I fear losing my stand I have believed myself to have with others in my world of getting my needs met and making sure that I survive or get taken care of, because in essence if I don’t take care of myself, who will? Though, I have taken this belief of myself to an extreme point where I have believed myself to be able to handle everything, I don’t need anyone in my life, I don’t need help, I can take care of myself, and within standing within this stubborn belief of myself, I have in ways stood alone.

There is benefit’s to having this stand within self as this allows for self sufficiency and self empowerment, but also it can lead to an unbalanced relationship with other people in my world where I push them away and not embrace the ‘gifts’ they have to share with me, be it the treasures of companionship or the harsh reality of facing who I really am in the eyes of another. This truth of self especially coming from an outside source is where I go into a wall of stone cold, where I have an extremely difficult time allowing someone to show me where I am doing something wrong or where I can improve on something. This is specific to the person as each person I meet I find there is a different relationship that develops, but with specific people I have created myself in relation to them in ways where I find myself comfortable and my nature or who I have created as my personalities catered to based on the personality of the other, these relationships I desire as there is an easement to them and I am usually able to get my way eventually.

Now with endeavoring on the desteni I process and standing as a point of living example for those who come after me, I am here and have committed myself to see myself for who I really am, change my nature, and report openly and self honestly to those who will read this. I am finding that I have to correct and change myself to fit into all walks of life, the easy and the difficult, the comfortable and the uncomfortable, I can no longer escape into my comfort zone of just seeking the easy and comfortable path, I have put myself in a position where I stand until I in fact do or stand to lose much in the way of not standing. As within reality there is always consequence to the decisions we make, I no more can pretend that all will be good and the universe will take care of me, as I realize I am a universe unto myself and I am the creator of myself so no one is going to take care of me, I have to take care of myself meaning I have to correct my living to align with life and what is best for all. There is simply no other logical or harmonious way to go about living my life realizing these facts that what is best for all is the law of the universe and treating and considering others as equal and one to self is life.

So I have come to start writing and correcting myself within this current realization of seeing myself within the understanding that I am stubborn and am determined to get my own way without considering all the dimensions of this desire push. I have currently been facing this in my agreement so will walk some self forgiveness in relation to this as well as walking the correction process.

Thanks for reading. 

Interview Support on the topic of Stubbornness:

Stubbornness: Introduction - Atlanteans - Part 154
Stubbornness: Overcoming - Atlanteans - Part 155
Stubbornness: Practical Application - Atlanteans - Part 156
Stubbornness: Self Forgiveness - Atlanteans - Part 157
Stubbornness: Redesigning - Atlanteans - Part 158
Physical Sound - Atlanteans - Part 159
The Consequences of Speaking - Atlanteans - Part 160
Stubbornness: Independence, Dependence, Interdependence - Atlanteans - Part 161

Check Out these Awesome and Life Supporting sites:
Desteni I Process Lite - Free Course to Start your Journey to Life
Journey to Life Group - On Facebook
Desteni Wiki - For All Things Desteni Related
Desteni Forum - Share your Self with Other Destonians
Destonian Social Network
Eqafe - Self Perfection Support
Equal Life Foundation - Site

Realizing and Living My Utmost Potential - Day 416

"1. Realizing and living my utmost potential" - writing from The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle

When I look at this commitment principle within myself, I see a decision that I have to make in each moment, meaning to become and live the utmost potential within a moment will take a physical movement within me, it will not come automatically. Realizing and living my utmost potential is something that I see happens over time and happens in a progression of moments, events, and/or living experiences. But the key factor within this is who I am and what I will do with the moments that are here. This principle is able to be embodied as myself in every breath I take if I so decide it, this is the fulfillment I would say of this principle, living and embodying the expression of self of fully doing the best one is able to do in each moment to the best of their ability.

Another factor comes up within me as I look at this and it’s the point of knowing when I have reached my utmost potential, and within this I would say that the serving of others within living in the best way I am able to in each moment that is here is serving myself and so all others equally in benefit. Fulfilling this within the action of doing the best I am able to in the moment, giving as I would like to receive is a factor to also embodied when fulfilling one’s utmost potential. I have found that when I give of myself to support and assist others and do the best I am able to then I am satisfied within myself, there is a point of stability and calmness within understanding that I gave it my all and I supported and assisted others in the venture I just undertook.

I have found in the moments when I am not living within my utmost potential, there is a point of uncomfortableness within me, like a stirring or a restlessness within me that I can see, realize, and understand that I have not fulfilled this principle within me and that I did not support others as I would for myself.  So within the living of this principle of living my utmost, I can flag point this uncomfortable experience within me to support myself to see that I am not walking in the direction of self support and so supporting others, but compromising myself.

There will always be a decision, a decision to direct myself within walking my utmost potential in each moment or not walking this and so giving in to self interest. Self interest where you are not supporting others as you would want for yourself and not doing your best within the actions you are living, including expanding and growing to new points within who you would ever think yourself to be. This is a process of living and investigating oneself because we have never really had a clear understanding of ourselves within who we really are, what we are really capable of, and really pushing our limits and boundaries in a principled and best for all life way. Though, I realize this principle (as well as the other's within this declaration) stands throughout and will always stand as a support for self to walk towards and so embody my utmost potential and giving as I would like to receive until it no longer is a process, and I am always living this here breath by breath as I walk.

More to come in the next blogs. Thanks for reading.


Join Us:
Desteni I Process Lite - Free Course to Start your Journey to Life
Journey to Life Group - On Facebook
Desteni Wiki - For All Things Desteni Related
Desteni Forum - Share your Self with Other Destonians
Destonian Social Network
Eqafe - Self Perfection Support
Equal Life Foundation - Site

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Why is Desteni Cool? – Day 328

Ok, why is desteni cool? For starters, the group of desteni is standing as a principled example to be viewed, tested, scrutinized, explored, investigated, and eventually or instantly depends on the person, walked to realize the validity of this groups standing as a protector of life. We as society, as a humanity, as a people are prone to abuse life, we hurt each other, we kill each other, we are nasty and name call at each other, if not direct, we most certainly do it in our heads. And the thing is that everyone wants to know and understand, why the hell do we do this? Why am I so nasty in my head? Why do I want to hurt and abuse others around me? Why can’t I stop thinking about sex? Why am I so consumed with being the best? Why do I care so much what others think of me? And yes this makes us freaking insane in the head, I have definitely been there. But we so easily can create a point of pleasure through sex, drugs, sweets, buying stuff because the world system has made it so that when we want a fix of pleasure, we can get it, this to appease the foaming masses of insane people to be lulled for a moment and stay in the systemized enslavement we call this way of life as this capitalist system of competition and survival.

But the problem with this insta - pleasure is that it is not real because it never lasts. You get the pleasure in a sweet for instance for only but a few moments, and then it’s gone and BAM you are back with the sinking feeling  of ‘oh, shit i'm messed up, my head won’t stop being insane.” Some have been able to automate it where they become numb to it basically, but that does not mean that it is not there, if they will look and see in moments, they can not escape the haunt of the thoughts as the mind dimensions of the human. So we get addicted to this cycle of feeling shitty and then get a quick fix of pleasure, and then we’re back again to feeling shitty to then go find the moment fix for pleasure once again, and we call this our ‘life’ and ‘the way things are’, but its a slave like existence, slaving to pleasure and pain within ourselves never finding equilibrium.

So back to my point again Why is Desteni Cool? Desteni is cool because for the first time in my life these experiences of myself, this constant point of me seeing in everyone around me the same as what is going on within me as insanity, where we just accept it as if it is normal to abuse and harm each other continuously throughout life. But it is not normal and through the research, data collected, perspectives given, and the application of the tools shared through the participants who are walking them, desteni gives understanding and tools to resolve these ways of  destructive living to an equal and one harmonious change of yourself with and as your enviroment.

The desteni material answers questions we all have, but has never been fully understood such as what is the mind, how does it function, where is it exactly, what are thoughts, what are memories, why do we have memories, why do we experience emotions and feelings, where does all this stuff exist from, how was it created, who is god, what can change the world, is there really a New world order takeover, what are animals thinking, why do we die, what is heaven like, is it real, did jesus really walk the earth, can I live like jesus, are we more then just this…..you know the questions such as these, the important questions, the questions every body is seeking about, the unanswered questions from forever that has been open ended with no sign of any answers being anwsered that makes sense until I found this source. And many go, ‘well, what is so significant about now, why is desteni the only one who has found the answers’, and it’s simply because this is how it is. There is a story of course, a story of how it happened that will blow your mind, so I highly suggest anyone who is reading this and can hear what is being said to investigate the material for themselves because this is the only way one will see the truth of why desteni is cool because it has to be researched as there is a lot for it to be real for you and you are the only one who can make it real. It’s impossible to explain everything in one go, I will not do this, and so those who will hear will seek and find, all I can say is it’s a must.

The point of desteni and another reason why desteni is cool is because it’s a point of creating change for oneself and for the world as well. So it’s a step in the direction of living in a better world and living a better you, a person that you can be proud of and explore. This is a journey of sorts, getting involved and participating with desteni, it’s not a quick fix or a rapid exercise, it’s a dedication, a commitment, and a defining moment for all who will walk the process being walked there. It has changed my life for the better, has made me a more capable and honorable person, and I can stand with who I am and will become knowing that I will always walk the process of what is best, I might take a bit to get to that point of self realization, but I know that I will get there, and this is solely based on the material and understanding I read through desteni to come to this statement with such authority because I was never in my life this way.

And if I can change, you can do it as well, that is yet another cool thing about desteni, everyone in the world can join and change for the better, we are all capable, it is more a matter of your own self will and if you walk the process of life in equality and oneness with all others, where the fruits of this labor is eternal life. So all are welcome and encouraged to join and see as it’s a process to explore who one is to create an extraordinary life for yourself as well as an extraordinary world for us all. We at the desteni group or those who are practicing in the desteni education so to speak are here to change the world, and those who will walk with desteni will be a part of this, this to change for the betterment of all. It’s all about self, and desteni gives us the tools to realize who in fact for real is this self, and yet another awesome thing about desteni, they show the realization in consistency that the self or "I" has true power and that is in equality within the oneness of all life, thus meaning we are capable of the true power of life if we dare. There is a truth to all of this, investigate desteni where once and for all the truth is exposed to walk the path to a world best for everyone. Enjoy.

Check out Desteni Here:
Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki
Equal Money System Website
Equal Life Foundation

Day 277 – “F*ck Authority” Character – Being Yelled At

Check out this blog for reference to this post:

Day 276 – Intro to the 'F*ck Authority' Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when another triggers being yelled at, which created a point of inferiority within me in where I saw I needed to regain my standing through using anger to become the strong one again and thus use force through my words or body to get my position of authority back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus resist authority but within myself desire it, and thus create an internal conflict of desire and resistance to the point of authority where I cycle back and forth and never am able to remain here and thus am unable to direct to a point of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be in an authorative position and thus will use what I don’t like done unto me as yelling onto another because I see that this is really the only way to get authority back, but realizing this is not real authority but enslavement through force. Real authority I realize is through controlling self and directing self to be able to manage one’s own authority as self-direction to do what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to take what others say or do to me as an attack on my authority and thus seek revenge based on me taking the other’s yelling at me personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to become stronger then others to have more power and control over others and so will easily become angered and takes words personally as I have created a certain idea and image of myself as an authoritive person and thus when someone takes this image and doesn’t see the same, I take this personal and seek to use competition to win back my position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as more then others and thus desire the feelings of superiority and control and power over others, where I am not realizing, seeing, or understanding that taking from another what is already here within both as self direction as our own authrotive will is creating a diminishment within me because I am separating the life that is here as me with the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this disharmony on the one yelling at me when I realize when I bring this blame back to myself I am the one accepting the yelling as a personal attack, when I realize I can breath, let it go, and direct the situation when it is able to be directed or walk away if there is no sign of solution able to be accessed at that time, I am the one taking it personal thus it is my responsibility to stop this and not go into blame as blame is an outflow of self abdication of facing self responsibility and change.

When and as I go into a point of taking another’s yelling towards me personal, I stop and breath, and realize I do not need to go into reaction but can direct myself through breathing, letting go of the point of taking the yelling personal through taking responsibility for my reactions by stopping them, and direct the point into solution that is best for all.

When and as I go into a point of reacting in anger or blame towards another, I stop and breath, and realize that this is a point of outflow of taking the mind as a personal attack and thus wanting to abdicate my responsibility within my creation of creating the point of blame and anger within myself, as I realize I created it through my own permission, so I realize I can simply let it go as this is an outflow of reaction within the other as yelling, and direct myself as the situation through taking responsibility of myself and directing the point into a resolution that will calm the situation down and create harmony through understanding as equals if this is possible.

I commit myself to stop and breath when I see point of reaction come up within me when someone yell at me, see what is being said in awareness of the equality within us and through taking self responsibility, and direct the point if there is a stable situation to do so for an outcome that will benefit both.

I commit myself to see when I go into an anger or blame reaction, to stop, and write out the point of what I am blaming or becoming angry at if I don’t see it in that moment to immediately correct, if I am able to I push to stop reacting and bring the point to correction through immediate action, or flag it and open it up in writing when I am able to to be understood through self forgiveness and self commitments.


For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

Day 276 – Intro to the 'F*ck Authority' Character

Within this character, I have found a point of resistance and anger as well as fear being hidden within it, thus having to face that which I fear as other humans who are apparently in my perception stronger and more smart then me. I am first going to look at this within memories I am holding as a kid of interactions with people of authority and how I reacted, and thus how this shaped myself in relationship to people of authority throughout my life.

As a kid, I disliked being yelled at, it made me feel scared within myself, like a shock, and within being yelled at I always felt less about myself because I attached being yelled at as me doing something wrong and being caught and called out and thus this made me feel less then I did before I got caught.

Being caught doing something wrong was not a thing I wanted to have happen because within myself I always wanted to be seen as the best child and have all people like me, even the adults, and when I found someone yell at me, I did not like this because this image I held of myself was thus squashed. I also obviously didn’t like to have to be in trouble or punished for things that I desired to do and that to me where not bad, but with authority they had the prerogative to decide for themselves if it was bad or not, and thus the authority to punish me. This I resisted having others have the authority to punish me without my understanding or permission because why the hell should someone who is older have this power, but then the fear of facing them and standing up would render me into their control and direction. I also questioned myself and who I was because at that time I didn’t know, and thus I did see myself as bad and wrong because these authorities were saying so, but within me at times I didn’t see I was doing wrong and didn't understand why I was being screamed at, so also a confusion grew within me about being yelled at and said this is bad when within myself it didn’t seem bad and thus didn’t make sense. Reaction to the screaming voice instantly created anger because it brought fear and thus this fear made me want to seek revenge on who created this in me in the first place because it wasn't pleasant.

I also had/have a big ego as I like the rewards and attention one gets when they are seen as the best, and so I wanted to be the best and thus have others see me in this way as much as possible, so I would easily resist anything anyone would say to me especially those in authority positions, like parents, teachers, coaches, if the were saying things that didn’t conclude to me being the best, and so I just didn’t want to hear what they had to say at all. I knew myself, I knew what I had to do, and I didn’t need anyone yelling at me and telling me what to do, so really just fuck off please, I am not listening to you, you are so annoying type of attitude. When authority figures would yell at me I grew accustom to just ignoring or attack, like I wouldn’t even hear what they were saying, when I was yelled at and made to feel like I was doing something wrong, or I would attack and go into a defense because I had to defend my honor, me desires for the rewards of being the best or popular, and so I would at any cost easily cut down my enemies which usually turned out to be people in authority if they tried and questioned or changed the outcome I desired of being the best and thus getting what I wanted.

Another point that I find with being with authority figures is when I am yelled at by another, I will go into embarrassment, it's an immediate reaction at times say if I was caught off guard or red handed doing something 'wrong', and I would feel embarrassed to be put in that position by this person who yelled at me. This embarrassment would activate anger within me and this is what fueled the defense mechanism as defending myself and seeing the authority as my enemy. Like I am being bombarded by authority and they were making me feel uncomfortable, so they deserve to pay, and I would fight immensely towards them sometimes directly like with my mom or passively like with my coaches, to prove that I am right and they are the ones who fucked up and stepped too much beyond my boundary of acceptability  My ego did not like to be embarrassed and/or wronged, and especially by another imperfect human trying to tell me that I am bad and they are better then me, and then making me uncomfortable within this. Nope, they were going to have to pay for this, and so I would just go into conflict and create a scene.

But within all of this my mind was split and I was not stable with who I really was, I had no idea who I was or what I really was looking for or defending as I saw within myself how flawed I was acting and abusive as well, so I just went from inferior to superior and back again and thus cycling with others who where doing the same. Never changing and never satisfied, and so always in conflict in my world. I will continue more and write this one out in blogs to come to correct this and thus be stable in my own self direction in the principle of what is best for all. Thanks.

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