Day 276 – Intro to the 'F*ck Authority' Character

Within this character, I have found a point of resistance and anger as well as fear being hidden within it, thus having to face that which I fear as other humans who are apparently in my perception stronger and more smart then me. I am first going to look at this within memories I am holding as a kid of interactions with people of authority and how I reacted, and thus how this shaped myself in relationship to people of authority throughout my life.

As a kid, I disliked being yelled at, it made me feel scared within myself, like a shock, and within being yelled at I always felt less about myself because I attached being yelled at as me doing something wrong and being caught and called out and thus this made me feel less then I did before I got caught.

Being caught doing something wrong was not a thing I wanted to have happen because within myself I always wanted to be seen as the best child and have all people like me, even the adults, and when I found someone yell at me, I did not like this because this image I held of myself was thus squashed. I also obviously didn’t like to have to be in trouble or punished for things that I desired to do and that to me where not bad, but with authority they had the prerogative to decide for themselves if it was bad or not, and thus the authority to punish me. This I resisted having others have the authority to punish me without my understanding or permission because why the hell should someone who is older have this power, but then the fear of facing them and standing up would render me into their control and direction. I also questioned myself and who I was because at that time I didn’t know, and thus I did see myself as bad and wrong because these authorities were saying so, but within me at times I didn’t see I was doing wrong and didn't understand why I was being screamed at, so also a confusion grew within me about being yelled at and said this is bad when within myself it didn’t seem bad and thus didn’t make sense. Reaction to the screaming voice instantly created anger because it brought fear and thus this fear made me want to seek revenge on who created this in me in the first place because it wasn't pleasant.

I also had/have a big ego as I like the rewards and attention one gets when they are seen as the best, and so I wanted to be the best and thus have others see me in this way as much as possible, so I would easily resist anything anyone would say to me especially those in authority positions, like parents, teachers, coaches, if the were saying things that didn’t conclude to me being the best, and so I just didn’t want to hear what they had to say at all. I knew myself, I knew what I had to do, and I didn’t need anyone yelling at me and telling me what to do, so really just fuck off please, I am not listening to you, you are so annoying type of attitude. When authority figures would yell at me I grew accustom to just ignoring or attack, like I wouldn’t even hear what they were saying, when I was yelled at and made to feel like I was doing something wrong, or I would attack and go into a defense because I had to defend my honor, me desires for the rewards of being the best or popular, and so I would at any cost easily cut down my enemies which usually turned out to be people in authority if they tried and questioned or changed the outcome I desired of being the best and thus getting what I wanted.

Another point that I find with being with authority figures is when I am yelled at by another, I will go into embarrassment, it's an immediate reaction at times say if I was caught off guard or red handed doing something 'wrong', and I would feel embarrassed to be put in that position by this person who yelled at me. This embarrassment would activate anger within me and this is what fueled the defense mechanism as defending myself and seeing the authority as my enemy. Like I am being bombarded by authority and they were making me feel uncomfortable, so they deserve to pay, and I would fight immensely towards them sometimes directly like with my mom or passively like with my coaches, to prove that I am right and they are the ones who fucked up and stepped too much beyond my boundary of acceptability  My ego did not like to be embarrassed and/or wronged, and especially by another imperfect human trying to tell me that I am bad and they are better then me, and then making me uncomfortable within this. Nope, they were going to have to pay for this, and so I would just go into conflict and create a scene.

But within all of this my mind was split and I was not stable with who I really was, I had no idea who I was or what I really was looking for or defending as I saw within myself how flawed I was acting and abusive as well, so I just went from inferior to superior and back again and thus cycling with others who where doing the same. Never changing and never satisfied, and so always in conflict in my world. I will continue more and write this one out in blogs to come to correct this and thus be stable in my own self direction in the principle of what is best for all. Thanks.

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Day 254 - "Being Taken Advantage of" to Justify My Abuse

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"when within my living I had perceived that someone has offended me or created a point of disadvantage for me were I desired something for myself or thought of myself, and I believed that another took that image or object away from me. "

Please reference this blog for further context:
Day 253 – Yelling/Beating Someone Up in My Mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe another can bring me to a disadvantage when I realize within myself that I am capable of directing myself to clearly state what it is that are my intentions as well as support myself with others to direct and help create the best scenario that can be created through taking responsibility of myself and stop putting it on others to do for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have more advantage then others where I get to reap all the rewards of something even though I don’t deserve all the rewards as others would then lose out on their equal share of the reward of what is here if I take more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inherently believe that I deserve more then others because within my mind I have created myself in a false way of being more then others through valuing myself and what I do or what I have over what other peoples do and what they have where I have defined the 'other' as always and inherently less valuable then me because I will always be the 'best'/'right'. But realize this is done in self interest as really all I want is the most of the reward I can get and so easliy create assumptions and false truths and live this as if it is the actual truth of what is in reality and how I am within it, but it's not, it was made up in my mind and never tested in reality in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind create false images of myself as more worthy based on false assumptions of who I am and who others are not living these assumptions in the truth of reality within testing it as myself and see if they for real live up, but think about it and then act on these thoughts of self interest and greed for more as if they are true so I can take what I 'believe' and thus have falsely created as what I deserve more then my fair share based on greed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become greedy within my beingness due to my addiction to what something gives me such as a feeling or an experience of importance, and so I will create lies and cheat to get more of the feeling of this experience that I am addicted to if I am not getting access to what I desire, which is more then others, the most of this feeling/experience form an object for instance and so blame others for taking what it is that is not even mine in the first place as I am taking anyways more then my fair share.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to actually face the light of reality and look at myself in how I really behave and what I really deserve within my living conditions, and test in reality if I live up to the thoughts I have of myself of grandeur and exceptional living abilities over others, and not actually live this in fact, but change it to be more advantageous for myself to thus be able to have more power from others and get more access and freedom to get what i want. 

And thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live form my mind as imagination in making myself seem more worthy then others to get more of what i desire when in reality I am equal to all and deserve no more then what is my fair share. If I require more for some reason then I can direct myself with others to receive this in equality, but taking and lying to get what i want is unacceptable as it's abusive and cause false reality to be lived and bred from which creates separation not unity.

When and as I go into my mind and start creating false beliefs and images of myself to be more then others to gain more then my fair share and justify this taking more then my fair share through lies, I stop and breath, and realize that this is simply false and made up in my mind, I will not be able to live these claims in fact, and so I am causing abusive consequences within my false claims by taking what is not mine and creating separation with others deliberately.

I commit myself to not accept myself to create false images and beliefs of myself by not participating in them when they come up through stopping engaging in them unconditionally and embrace who I am here in the physical, all of me, and work on correcting who I am in my real life, my real self, as my physical living action.

I commit to stop justifying my abusive behavior of taking more then my fair share by not allowing myself to take more then what is due to me, equaling giving to others what is here, and directing myself in equality with others so all benefit equally always in a compromise.

I commit myself to live from the physical facts of myself and how I am as life with others and perfecting this point into the real life living by stopping living from my mind and false talk and belief/thoughts.

I commit to direct myself with others in coming to compromise and finding ways to all be satisfied within what it is that i am doing and others are doing/needing.

I commit to stop my desire for more by giving to others what i have unconditionally, sharing and giving as I realize that this is giving to myself equally.

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Day 253 – Yelling/Beating Someone Up in My Mind

Here looking at how I go into my mind and express my anger towards another when within my living I had perceived that someone has offended me or created a point of disadvantage for me were I desired something for myself or thought of myself, and I believed that another took that image or object away from me. I will then calculate in my head within a quick scan of the other to see where i stand, and will then assess if i am able to win against them or not. If not, then I will go into my mind imagination and win, by yelling, screaming and even at points physically harming them through my thoughts and imaginations. Usually in these instances were I go into my mind and take my anger out it's because I feel to weak to do it in real life, like I will not be able to contend with the other and made to look like a fool or be harmed in some way by them if i dare try and confront them. I have also within myself have accumulated myself as a weak person and incapable in many instances due to taking others words towards me and gestures as personal rejections of me and thus defined myself as someone who is rejectable, or not cool, or not good enough, or just lousy and not worth hanging out with.

I will though, if I find that I am stonger then the other, this at a younger age in my life, would verablly abuse another, exploit others weakness, and say anything to get on top and become the winner. This I found I had to do because I perceived myself as the strong person, and so i had to prove this or I would then be weak and this created much fear within me because then I was less able to survive with others especially my peers and live the life I wanted to live. Weakness was unacceptable with others because as I did to those I perceived as weak, I was afraid others would exploit this weakness in me, and I would be less advantaged then I already felt within myself, which was quite unstable and vulnerable to attack by others because I did it the same. So it was a play-out of competition, winner takes all, and survival of the fittest, this way of life of complete self interest and not caring for the other I am harming caused eventually an absolute misery within me because of the hate and anger that I had accumulated towards myself and towards others, which made for a lonely living and confusion within what life was about as it was not enjoyable most times. I really had no idea who I was, and so I was listening and defining myself form out there, and out there was doing and living the same way as me defining and finding ourselves in what we wear, in how we look, in how others see us, talk to us, accept us, and how we are accepted and see ourselves, all not from reality, but from the billions of thoughts, pictures, beliefs, ideas, and memories that accumulate and collect over the years of living in such a way. In this causing misery because of the stress of living in such a struggle and ruthlessness, and thus always in fear of losing our survival and losing in life. So abuse and anger and suppression and feeling weak and scared was my living for a long period in my life, til I found desteni, and started the process of taking my power back through taking responsibility of myself, my mind, and my behavior and aligning it with equality and oneness of life here in the physical with what is real, nature, animals, and my physical change in my living to honor this.

So this playout is originated from me as a kid feeling invincible because i saw that this is the only way to get what I wanted and have respect from others around me, but this all fell to pieces like me, breaking into pieces when I was made fun of in school by other kids and I eventually accepted myself to be this weak person after a while of this being named called, and within this accepting of this point of me being someone who was weaker then others and less important/less worthy then other human beings I started to live this in my world. I would succumb to fear based on the feelings and emotions that would come up due to this public humilation, being outcasted in front of others, which if this has ever happened to you is quite horrific especially as a kid because of the dynamics that play out on school yards and such and not really knowing who we are and how to interact and communicate with each other.  So I would use my mind to get even and release this emotional built up of anger, fear, and blame somehow that was building in me as this weakened position become who I was as I was holding myself as this weakened way and believing this was who I was now as I defined myself by others and took everything as a personal attack or insult.

I blamed alot of people for this state I was in of misery and feeling weak, many people, those that were being abusive towards me calling me names in front of others kids, and those that did nothing to stick up for me or my so called friends that left me due to the stigma I had around me of now being an outcast, loser type person. I also was really angry at myself for being this way, not being able to stick up for myself because within myself i believed i was flawed, I didn't see myself as perfect compared to what others looked like, so I blamed my physical for the flaws that I precieved i had, and thus abused my physical in thought and never accepted myself within my physical because i only based me on if i could compete with others and within my current status at this point it was not happening.

I then would go into my mind and get even with others, get my revenge out, and so within this yelling, screaming, and beating people up, I accumulated allot of energy, but this was not being released, and was stuck within me, in my mind, accumulating more and more each time I thought about it or interacted within the mind playout, I was not directing it into a solution in the physical, so it was stuck in my head. Eventually to be physically exploding of me on to the other person that trigger this reaction due to something I perceived they did to me that wasn’t good.

I was blaming, taking things personal, and abusing in my mind and eventually the physical in trying to become more to get what i wanted in my life without caring how i got there or who I harmed, and allowing these thoughts, blames, fears, and suppressions to accumlate into massive outbursts of conflict and anger with others in my world that wasn't neessary and could be avoided. This could be avoided if I stopped this pattern of going in my mind and stopped it accumulating to physical consequences through directing the conflict in the moment it happen by taking responsibility of my own actions and behaviors, and coming to solutions through understanding, common sense, and equality with the others. 

Will continue in next blogs, thanks.

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Day 252 - The Vengeful Character - Resolving the Abuse Within Me with Self Forgiveness and Self Commitments

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For Further Perspective on the Vengeful Character, check out these Blogs:
Day 244 - How is Vengefulness Created within me? –Vengeful Character
Day 245 - I am An Addict - Opening Up More on Vengefulness
Day 246 - The Family Unit and the Vengeful Character
Day 247 - The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Forgiveness
Day 248 – The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Commitments to Live
Day 249 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership
Day 250 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership – Self Corrections to Live
Day 251 – Why do I want to Hit Someone? – More on the Vengeful Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go within my head and accept backchat thoughts of seeing others at fault and blaming others for taking my things without asking me, and then going into my mind and abusing them within words or actual physical actions of beating them up as imaginations playouts of harming them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to beat up others within my mind and harming them with words in my mind to make myself feel more powerful and feel better about myself because within the situation that was lived with the other in reality I felt weak and scared to face the other in the point of directing the situation with the other because I perceived myself as weaker and so used my mind to become strong again through abusing them and making them weak, but obviously this is not real and empowering my mind more then myself in me physically solving problems in stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind as a tool to abuse others because I am accepting fear to direct me into suppressing my expression in reality rather then stopping the fear and finding out the facts and resolving the situation into solution within this physical real reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed backchat thoughts of this person is so rude and annoying taking my things, they don’t listen to me and don’t respect me, how dare they just take my things, when in reality I don’t know if any of this is true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others actions towards me or my things that I am using at this moment personal and believe I am being accosted or attacked when someone has something of mine, when in reality it is just a point of another using something that I have in my possession for the moment for some reason, as I realize it's just a object and can be shared equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not resolve the issue by directing myself within the physical with the other in the moment it occurred, but rather suppress myself into myself and take my anger out on them in my mind, and then after many of these suppressions of my expressions into the mind of abuse imagination playout, I will eventually accumulate this anger to such an extent where I will blow up on them and yell and scream and may physically harm them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and cause abuse in my mind and then eventually in the physical instead of taking responsibility for my actions, stopping the fear, and directing the situation in what is best for both in the physical with the other in equality and thus into solutions.

When and as I go into a point of back chatting about another about what they have done and what I have assumed the reason this of this being done, I stop and breath, and say no, I do not know if this is true or not, I stop this backchat now, and I direct myself to find the facts from the other.

I commit myself to when I go into a backchat thought of anger in accusing another, I stop and do not participate by seeing that the consequence will be abuse to this person.

I commit to direct myself to communicate with the other and find out what the situation is, what the facts are that they took my object, and see if they really need it and when it will be available again for later use.

I commit myself to let others have things that I am not using.

I commit to let go of things that I feel like are mine and allow myself to be free of it so I can live with or without something, and thus stop the addiction to it.

When and as I go into a point of starting to accumulate anger and beating others in my mind, I flag this and breath ad stop immediately, I am now in the stages of accepting the fear and suppressing myself within abusing in my mind and imagination and I realize this will lead to outbursts in the physical were I will go into anger as abuse and harm another in word or physically.

I commit myself to see the point of fear and suppression, and not accept myself any longer doing to go into to this and allow it to direct me into not speaking up and finding the facts, but suppress myself. I direct myself to the point that I am fearing and trying to suppress, by doing what it is I fear and showing to myself that I am capable and I can move myself when necessary.

I commit myself to always push myself when this fear come up to see myself less then others and suppress myself, and direct myself to speak to that other realizing that we are equal in fact and we are both life, we both breath the same air, and that we both can communicate in stability.

I commit myself to come to solutions with the other within a point of understanding and acceptance and find solutions that will work for both through understanding the other and what the facts are to thus direct according to the best case for both as i have no self interest in usage and find what will work.

I commit myself to never again allow myself to accumulate anger in my mind, through not accepting these thoughts and image playouts any longer, and pushing myself in the physical to walk and move in the physical and stay here as breath when these moments of fear come up to suppress myself and use my mind as a punching bag for another. I stop this abusive playout in my mind and eventually into the physical.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
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Day 251 – Why do I want to Hit Someone? – More on the Vengeful Character

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For Further Perspective on the Vengeful Character, check out these Blogs:
Day 244 - How is Vengefulness Created within me? –Vengeful Character
Day 245 - I am An Addict - Opening Up More on Vengefulness
Day 246 - The Family Unit and the Vengeful Character
Day 247 - The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Forgiveness
Day 248 – The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Commitments to Live
Day 249 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership
Day 250 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership – Self Corrections to Live


For a lot of my life I would suppress myself within my head, often times I would take out my anger and irritation on others within my head, calling them names, seeing them as less important then me, and even beating them up if I was mad enough all inside my mind and imagination. Eventually, though, this would come to a head usually with just a word or a gesture towards me, and I would explode like a missile to destroy. I also realized that I often accumulated within me judgments and name calling I was doing in my head towards others for most of my days, I often was participating within this, and then when I was around others, I was often fearful and on edge to see what I was experiencing within me would come out within them towards me, the anger, the irritation, the bad mouthing, and the physical violence, it was like ‘are they thinking the same as I am, do they like me, am I gong to be accepted”.

I would be easily set off based on the built up of pressure of anger and fear, getting angry at others for my own self interested reasons like not getting my way or another was saying/doing something in a voice that aggravated me, but eventually the pressure would be so much, I would explode on whoever was the one to trigger that pressure explosion that I became. I have a memory here of my sister outside, we were fighting for some reason, and in the middle of it she called me a ‘dike’, this word triggered within me this pressure release because I took it as a personal attack. I didn’t want to be called this or associated as this based on the stigma I knew with this name as a manly female, and I played hockey, so I was conscious of this within me. So right then as she finished saying this to me and I got a rush of anger throughout my body due to taking this personal, I wound up and punched her.

I didn’t realize that this was able to be controlled at this time, this anger, the rush of this energy, I just always assumed its who I am, but is it? I just always existed in this way, anger at others and irritation because I didn’t get what I wanted or was not able to live in relaxation, and then I would take my anger as revenge out onto others me living in such a volatile and unstable state to whoever was the unlucky person to set the fuse of the explosion of anger. Obviously in the instance above, I took what my sister said to me as an attack on my standing within our environment,, our world, and our family and friends, and thus I was going to fall into a point of being weak among the group as this word as dike is seen within a negative connotation as a female who is manly within that current time, so it was unacceptable within me to be called that and thus I saw it as a deliberate and personal attack on me as a person in the group. So I sought to seek revenge within this case, and based on the explosion point I let her have it with physical abuse, and did not have any holding back within my words and within my self.

The revenge was instant and the action was then immediate and it was induced based on a reaction of a rush of embarrassment, anger, and fear energy as theses emotions, and thus with these emotional combinations, I went into a mode of protection to protect my own self as my self image and defend my honor within my environment to survive and remain strong. Weakness within myself and being seen as a weaker person was out of the question, and based on living within this polarity, I used violence and abuse towards others to become empowered when I was down within my group. And for me getting these emotions of negativity to go back to good feelings, back to the positivity, I had to get myself back to the top no matter what and I used mymind to get there rather then the reality that I was facing as me.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
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Day 104 – Making Father Proud

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire, from since I can remember, to want to make my father proud of me because I looked up to him for what he did within work and how he always was there for me and took care of us to the best of his ability within the matrix in terms of working and keeping us surviving.

­­I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to desire for my father to think I was the ‘best’ within all my sisters and thus I would find ways such as working around the house or excelling in what I was doing such as sports to give reason for my dad to like me over my other sisters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in competition with my sisters because I compared myself to them and thus saw myself within a polarity play out as positive/negative, and thus used points such as athletics which I knew my dad thought was important and thus competed with my sisters to show my dad that I am the best in any point that was brought up that I could compete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into jealousy towards my sisters due to comparison and thus compete with them to show off to my father that I am the best daughter based on what I can do physically and which grew into intellectually as I started to go to school and such, realizing that I could use my intellect in competition with my sisters as I saw that I was able to become the best in this field as well amongst my sisters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get an energy boost of positive/good feelings when my dad would say ‘you are the smartest kid we have’ and thus become superior within my stance and behavior towards my sisters because I got this confirmation from my dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become energized and thus go into a superior stance towards my sisters when I am told that ‘I am the smartest’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in terms of who I am with my sisters, that we are equals, within our expressions we are different and thus I realize that to go within an energy as being superior to them is ego and thus the mind as a character to suit myself interest and make me feel more then others because within myself I feel inferior to people, so thus I can make myself feel better by making others feel less then me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the ego character as being superior to my sisters and thus make sure they know that I was found to be more intellectual then them by my dad, and thus make myself feel better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into ego towards my sisters when I was told I was the smartest, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the comment as a form of self interest for my own self to feel better, instead of correcting the point with my dad in telling him that that statement is a form of separation as we are all here as equals and thus only walk in practicality with others in what has to be done and who will be the best fit to do it and stop the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my sisters and go into ego where in I play that I am more when in fact I am feeling less then them as I have judged and compared myself to them, and thus use this point that my dad said of ‘I am the smartest’ and thus go into superiority because I feel less then.

I commit myself to stop this point of going into this point of desiring to make my dad proud of me in a point of trying to be better then my sister, and thus I commit to create an environment where ever I am where I walk as an equal and contribute to the whole in the best ways I can in consideration and acceptance of all equal to myself.

I commit myself to stop comparison and judgment towards my sisters and thus stop the point of competition that I create with them to be the best and thus I stop the point of getting my dad to see me as perfect as well.

I commit myself to stop this point of desire to be the best with others in my world thus I realize I must stop the comparison and judgment thoughts, words, and deeds that I participate in.

I commit myself to walk the process of letting go of the ego character and thus start the process of re-walking my living with others in equality and oneness through physical practical living.

I commit myself to walk the point of humbleness by putting myself always in the shoes of another and stop the point of being a bully.

I commit myself to accept myself through equalizing myself with the physical so thus I can stand equal and accept all as myself here as who we are as life. 

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
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Desteni Wiki



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