A Lady's Journey to Life: September 2012

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Day 141- Desiring Approval from Family- Self Commitment

Here I will walk a set of commitment statements to give living direction to myself and all who read this and find relevance in this, to thus change my living from being dependent on others to define who I am to become a being that live life as my own self willed direct in what best for all.

I commit myself to walk my own process of understanding the direction I have given to myself so thus I know the steps and understand the steps as myself to thus be able to walk the steps that support me and life as me based on the principles I live as as one and equal with all that live, so to create practical solutions in my world to help ease life for all and support myself to walk the process of stopping the mind and bringing dignity back to life starting with bringing dignity back as myself by living it.

I commit myself to live for self meaning consider me equal to all others in my world, and thus walk a self process were in I am not defined by another, but I decide and thus define who I am and so know who I am in each moment, where in I can create an outcome for myself that will support life through practicing this in my world and committing to the change that will create me as a new being that is life and the old that is self interested ego ends.

I commit myself to stop fear of being accepted and thus walk my own acceptance by walking my life in the process of creating myself to be in trust of who I am as I live self honesty, so I know in each moment who I will be and thus life in a sense will become easier as I am here as my decision and thus I can live this in all ways as I trust myself because I am honest with myself as life.

I commit myself to walk my own self trust by walking meticiulously to see who I am as my patterns as memories, so I can understand them and so walk the memories to become equal to them, where they stop having power over me and I can then recreate my living to be someone who is trustworthy and I will support and push myself to support life in all ways I can.

I commit myself to live by principles of what life is as always doing what is best as what I can see in common sense and thus walking my own self trust through the principles of equality and oneness to thus have the path be direct and clear and so no matter if I stand alone or in a group, I walk what is best for all as this is what I would want for myself.

I commit myself to stop the thoughts of I am not good enough or I am not capable enough, and so push myself to learn and understand what it is that I don’t yet, so thus I walk in practicality as learning and stop the self pity as I can’t do it and I don't know how, I realize always I can do it, I just have to walk the steps of learning and thus live it.

I commit myself to walk my process of stopping all self interest and thus transforming this living into a living that will support all, through self forgiveness, self honesty, writing, and self change, so thus I can do all that I can to change these patterns to be from the mind as ego to life as what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop all points of self interest and secret agendas to get security from my family to have an easy life, when I realize nothing is worth what is going on in this moment as the abuse to life in all areas of this world, so I stop my ignorance and self interest to be happy in my bubble world, write myself out until I am empty, and thus walk the correction to life and living in all ways in what is best, no matter what it takes, I walk and I will stand up for life for a world that is honorable in all ways for all life.

2012, child, childlike, children, co-dependent, desteni, eqafe, equality, i need you, immature, journey to life, family approval, conflict, mother, motherly love, parents, security, relationships,submissive, teamlife

Friday, September 28, 2012

Day 140- Desiring Approval from Family- Self Forgiveness

Wanting approval from my mom, and if given the approval from my mom, my family will usually follow suit, I desire their approval based on not wanting to lose the support/security that is automatically given when I am in good standing with them. Also, I tend to define myself through their approval of me, such as them being the the last say for me, and then will change myself according to their words, beliefs, opinions, ideas, and so change who I am because I placed more value in how they see things rather then how I see and understand things, like they now better then me.

When I don’t get the approval of the family, I will go into anger and spitefulness and I feel like I have lost a part of myself, and so don’t know how to move forward because I have always moved according to the group consensus and not by my own volition. This showing to myself that I am accepting their way of living and seeing things over my own understanding of life as I have walked it and thus diminishing my own self support within living because I am afraid to stand alone and be fully responsible for my words and deeds. I will be writing self forgiveness on letting go of the desire for the families approval and the fear to stand on my own in my own self trust and self support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire my mom/families approval because I have always defined who I am and what I am doing through what my mom/families sees and speaks as the right thing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am based on another’s words, beliefs, ideas, opinions, and thus change myself according to the approval of them without considering myself and my own self honesty within the living of change I am implementing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be without the approval of my mother/family as I have allowed myself to believe that I don’t know who I will be without this outside influence showing/telling me how to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in another over myself because I always believed I am not good enough/capable enough to make the right decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when my family agree on a point, and I stand alone, then I am automatically wrong due to majority rule, even though I realize and see that what I am speaking and seeing is best for all as I walked it within self honest introspection, and thus show myself how it can be mapped out to be best for all, which is a simple point as their is no middle road, it's either best for all or is not, and thus I have to decide to walk the path and live the bath to create this point best for all, it's an individual decision all must make and live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not as capable and knowledgeable as my family members, and so diminishing my own self empowerment by creating and living out these beliefs that i am not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that if I don’t live within self honesty within myself, I will not be able to really be here, as with being in dishonesty in my living, I am creating backdoors and secret agendas, and so allowing the mind as illusions to direct me into separation, and thus accept and allow the abuse to life here by accepting myself to allow self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly want my family approval so I can live an easy life and not have so much conflict in my world. I realize that when I compromise myself due to fear, I will not be able to stand in what is best for all as I am not standing within myself as the decision of who I am but split within basing myself on others, and thus will waver and not stand when necessary, which is unacceptable as life will only accept what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately accept dishonest behavior because i want to be safe and not have to push myself to face the fears of standing alone, and failing. I realize within standing up part of the process is to fall, so thus understanding this and using it as a learning tool, where I stop taking the fall's personally, and simply breath and walk the correction to thus stand as life again, walk the change i see is relevant and stop the fear from directing me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed fear to direct me in not facing myself and accepting the mind to control me.

Self Correction Commitment Statements to follow.

Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/mattifreeman1

Music: http://www.soundcloud.com/mfm-radio

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Day 139- Dependency on Parents for Money

Looking here at how I have become dependent on my parents for money and thus security in my world, and how I use this as a point of comfort ability for myself to know that I will be taken care of, I will have a place to go, I will be able to get some money if I need it, this falling on my parents shoulders as they are the ones that I look to when I am in a fuck up and need some support quick. This point of reliance on them for support also comes with self compromise, as within the giving there is an expectation to give myself as in time, labor, and essentially following in line with the family beliefs and traditions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself based on depending on my parents for money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself based on depending on my parents for security through having them support me even when I am able to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on my mom for instance when I was younger to walk all the college points that were necessary to get me in, in where she set up all the meetings with coaches and administers, so I can sit on my behind and just have everything set for me, which at that stage did occur, but I was not equipped to walk the point on my own due to fear of others, so I depended on my mom to do this for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a justification to not move myself when I see a point that will take diligent effort and perservance, and thus use my mom to support me and basically walk it for me because I used her as the resource for me not to have to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on my parents for support with rent when I was paying off my debt and thus assumed that they would be there for me because they are my parents, and so depended on them to support me during this time instead of walking the point in equality, setting up a compromise with them, and walking it through in communication first before walking it in reality as an assumed approval from my parents just because they are my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on my parents for everything that I find that is hard to get or needs money because they have the ability to help me, and thus I assume that that should always be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on my parents for my security to live instead of living the security of myself as myself so thus I can be free to move as I want, when given by my parents security, I am not free as I have to live under a certain point of self compromise to keep the security coming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my parents for security and safety because I was to afraid to walk on my own and make my own way.

I commit myself to walk the point of equals with and as my parents, not using them for dependency to have money and support, but walk my own self support through my own career and give as I have been given in an equal fashion.

I commit myself to stop the justifications of fear to stop my pursuit to become independent on my own and stop the dependency on parents to help me, so thus I can walk my path within a certain point of self freedom and be able to support myself in this world financially.

I commit myself to stop assumptions and self diminishment by allowing others to help me, when I can walk the path to help my self by taking responsibility for myself and walking the necessary steps to become self sufficient.

2012, child, childlike, children, co-dependent, desteni, eqafe, equality, i need you, immature, journey to life, lazy, mother, motherly love, parents, security, relationships,submissive, teamlife

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Day 138- “I need you” Self forgiveness and Correction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to idealize the mother figure as something that is special and more wise then me, in which I can always depend on to give me guidance and help me when I am in need of it. I realize that within this dependency of another is only hindering my self dependency where in I am self sufficient and not in need of anyone, but can walk the solution as myself or in companionship with others as equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek nurturing words and giving within the idea of what a mother can give, as I have become dependent on this ‘gentle’ touch that a mother can bestow on her child, in where I seek this out if I am not secure or stable within situations instead of realizing that this reliance on others is not best for myself as I am separating myself from my own self nourishment and reliance as I am capable and able to give this to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to idealize the mother figure as someone who is more then me, and become addicted to this figure in my world in co-dependency so I don’t have to really push myself and become independent and stable on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the mother figure in my world as a way to take the easy way in seeking guidance for points that I find difficult and became in the habit of seeking guidance from my mom or someone like my mom who is gentle, then facing the point myself, and walking my conclusions to change myself so I am stable in the point and not dependent on another to show me the way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become use to this motherly person in my world and thus become submissive within myself towards these type of women, not realizing that I am giving my power away, as within the submission is a judgment that I am inferior to their wisdom/knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a judgment about women who are confident and thus nurturing to others in their living as women who are more knowledgeable and wise then me, and thus subconsciously allow them to direct me and seek direction from them, as I have gotten use to this presence in my world to show me the way. I realize however, that this is separating myself form my own self empowerment where in I am not seeking something from another, but walk common sense and my own self empowerment, so thus I can become equals to others and not have any ideas about others that will cause this point of polarity as inferior/superior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of women who are nice and directive in giving guidance or help to others, are women I can trust and thus gravitate towards them, instead of walking my own self understanding and stopping the dependency on these women as I stop the memory of my mom being my guide and guardian to thus protect me and keep me safe, I realize I must walk this path for myself to thus be able to be trusted with life and be able to stand on my own as equals, stopping the polarity of less/more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent and thus lazy within pushing myself to walk my own process of understanding, and thus give in to resistances to not find solutions and do what I set out to do, as I see that I can always have someone help me and show me the way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others instead of walking this reliance as myself.

I commit myself to equalize the point of the mother figure as stopping the mentality of child seeks mothers guide, but live and walk as equals in understanding in living among all by walking this with my mother and the people in my world, treating them as my equals, helping when I see that is necessary, but walking a balance to stop the point of dependency for others and myself as well.

I commit to walk the process in points that I am unsure of and not clear to understanding, where in I figure out how to walk and live the understanding as myself, by doing it myself and integrating it into my living, so I build my own self trust and can rely that I can do what is necessary to be done.

I commit myself to stop the resistance to move and walk the process of understanding in what I don’t see or realize in moments, and push through the points of laziness by seeking others guidance, but use the guidance and help from others in self honesty, so I gain perspective, but I walk the decision to live what I see is relevant and can be directed by myself.

I commit myself to stop idealizing the mother figure, and live within my own self-empowerment by standing equal with all.

I commit to stop the polarity of inferior/superior with the mother figure and walk as equals with all life.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

Artwork By Fellow Destonian:
Jessica Arias

Check Her out here:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JessicaArias33
Blogs: http://jessicasjourneytonothingness.blogspot.com/

2012, child, childlike, children, co-dependent, desteni, eqafe, equality, i need you, immature, journey to life, lazy, mother, motherly love, relationships,submissive, teamlife

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Day 137- “I Need You”

Here looking at the co-dependency I have built specifically towards a mother figure in my world, where in I will allow myself to fall into a submissive state such as a child learning or waiting for direction from their parent, usually the mother, as the mother is the one how spends the most time with the child, where the father usually is out working. This is the dynamic in which I grew up, so I will be focusing on the mother figure, in where I became dependent on the direction and instruction of her to let me know how to live, and what best to do, as this was always available and given to me when I was stuck or confused within my childhood. I was the younger ones of six girls, so I had not only my mom to look up to, but also four older sisters, who I looked at basically in the same way, a person to look up to and give me direction when needed. I believed myself to be a child, and thus never questioned their authority or guidance over me, as I assumed with age is wisdom, and they know best as they have lived longer them me, and thus are more experienced to know better then I would.

In a way, I have gotten use to this role I play as the child like adult now, where in I still feel in that same position, that I don’t know best and there will always be others who will know better then me, and thus I can learn and understand how to do a certain task or project from them. Never really in moments where I am unsure, will I take the initiative and really investigate and find out how to do something, I rely on others around me, who show traits of motherly nurturing, and gravitate towards them for some good advice and guidance.

So seeing that I have created this idealized being as the mother figure, where in I will seek this person out if I don’t know or understand something that will give me direction and at the same time nurture me meaning make me feel good and secure as well as showing me the way so to speak. This creating within me a dependency on this mother figure in my world, to help me when needed, and is unconditional within this help as I have created this point of immaturity that I need elders to help me, even though, I am perfectly capable of helping myself, and walking the steps to learn and walk my own self sufficiency so thus I am not dependent on any being, and thus using them for my own gain.

This also, causing a form of laziness as I know that I will be able to get help somewhere, and thus not have to push myself to become self sufficient and walk the necessary steps it will take to learn the processes of life and whatever it is I am doing, and thus stop the dependency on those who exude that motherly instinct, in which I have idealized as someone to be trusted and knows best. Abdicating my own understanding and creating this submissive role that is created when I allow others to have authority over me, even though, I don’t necessary agree or desire such help, I accept it and compromise myself because it is easier and I will always have a security point to look for and be looked after.

This eventually creating consequences as I become submissive and create a fear of standing on my own, as I have allowed others to walk the walk for me, and I just step in when the time suits me and I feel secure, but nothing will move as myself, if I don’t push out of the box, and find out who I really am on my own, in my own process of self understanding and understanding of life as we walk here as equals. I can never be equal with all if I have created a dependency on a mother figure in my world, to keep me secure and informed because I am afraid to make mistakes and be left in the dusk.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

co-dependent, eqafe, mother, motherly love, equality, relationships, i need you, submissive, lazy, child, children, childlike, immature, desteni, teamlife, 2012, journey to life

Monday, September 24, 2012

Day 136- Appearance Dimension Self Correction

I commit myself to stop judging my face as a point of self definition of being good, where in I stop all points of comparision to others faces, and thus walk the equality point by stopping the trigger point which would be judging my face as good/bad when I catch a glimpse of it somewhere or look in a mirror.

I commit myself to stop looking at magazines, tv programmes, media where in I see I go into a desire to be like someone or desire to get another, where in I will go into a comparison to see I match up, so stopping the trigger point of looking at the media until I am clear and able to stand within each picture.

I commit myself to stop putting value on my face and thus walk the point of equality as the physical as all physical parts, realizing that all here is physical and so all here is life, the face is just a face and thus need not be separated as a point of definition, so stopping the definition of the face as something more.

I commit myself to stop creating a polarity of perfection within defining life by pictures, as this is only done in self interest for myself to be seen as more and gain attention, so realizing this and stopping going into the thoughts of trying to be perfect and walk the perfection as myself as life.

I commit myself to stop living in my mind as a polarity of perfection where in I stop judging myself, so thus I commit myself to when I see I go into any point of self judgment or judgment from another, immediately take a breath, and stop, and apply self forgiveness until I see that I don’t have any points of judgment come up, thus pushing myself to walk the physical stopping the mind.

I commit myself to walk the process to equalize my inner and outer world, where I am stable as I stand, by walking the process of sorting out my inner reality to stop the points of separations and reactions of others and myself, and be able to walk as the physical with/as life.

I commit myself to stop the fear of not being like, and walk the process of accepting myself/becoming comfortable with myself, so I am not determined by others, but I decided who I am in each moment which is stable as I accept me here as all life and live the principle of simplicity – which is what is best for all, which will always be what is best for me.

I commit myself to live in the here as breath, stopping my thoughts of judgment as well as my backchat of judgment of life in pictures, stop this until it is gone, moving through the thoughts with self standing, not participating, breathing, saying stop delete, until it ceases to exist and I am here as life and able to stand without any internal backchat of judgments of any sort.

I commit myself to bring myself back to the physical when I see I go into my mind as idealizing pictures, and walk the physical, stopping the pictures, thoughts, using breath to stabilize and move.

I commit myself to stop the internal conversations within myself of trying to be better, by stopping the internal conversation each breath, moving through it, and breathing one and equal to the physical here by moving as awareness in the physical.

I commit to stop fear of loss, by focusing on my self here in my breath, and walking the physical as myself, realizing that life is here as me, and I am one with it, so I use my physical as me to walk this as life, and stop the directing of the mind to tell me how I am, always I decide in each breath.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

2012, alone, appearance, behavior, bernard poolman, best, character,compete, compete to win, desteni, dimension, equal money system, fear, picture perfect, psychology, rejection, self change, survival, system, win

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Day 135- Appearance Character - Thought Dimension Self Forgiveness

The thoughts that activate this character are based on thoughts activating attention on my face, as it is not symmetrical, and thus not perfect, so the imperfection that are there, I have defined as less then other human beings because I have allowed this point of perfection to direct me in defining who I am and who others are to me. This is a point that is happening in my internal conversations and backchat, as it’s points that I would never tell anyone or allow anyone in on, as this I would see as a point of vulnerability, which was unacceptable to show as I was competing in thought because I was in compensation for the thoughts of inadequacy I was feeling based on the imperfection and not being able to match up in my appearance with others around me.

Above is from Blog Post, Day 133 – Appearance Character – Thought Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my face’s physical structure as I have defined it within a point of definition based on this idea that I need to have a perfect looking face, where in I judge my face as good/bad based on this idea that my face has to be good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my face based on pictures I have seen on the tv, in magazines, and through media that is in it’s structure perfect, and thus compare myself to this picture of perfection I have designed now over time to thus separate myself and enslave myself to this idea that perfection within my appearance defines who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define myself by the appearance of my face and thus separate myself only based on a desire to have the perfect look as the perfect face, where in I subject my body to physical abuse as I go into emotions and feelings as this desire is met and failed through the cycles of living into this illusion that one can have the perfect look in separation of self through comparision with others, where I realize I will come down from the high.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have not realized and thus lived the fact that life is not based on pictures within an attempt to trying to be perfect, but is here within and as the living of every breath, the thought that I have to be perfect, is not based on any tangible point of support for any life, but for my own self interest in wanting attention and to be seen by others as special, so it’s a point for myself to feel good and fit in with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a sense of perfection within my outer look as a way to compensate for the inner turmoil that exist within me, judging life on the outer and not really working with the point that matters, walk the process to sort out the inner separation, to thus not be influenced or defined by the outer in separation to myself as it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others not accepting me and not liking me due to the way I look, and thus create of fear of loss based on the look I have created for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the way I look in my back chat and judge myself towards others in my internal conversations, where in I will go into suppression if I don’t look a certain way that is the perfect picture in my mind.

I foegive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into suppression based on comparing myself to a perfect ideal picture in my mind of what I look like at my best and thus missing me here in my living to develop equality with my world as it has no relvence to what looks look like in terms of solutions and wlaking equality with all life, because all the life here is self in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal in my mind instead of living here in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create internal conversations about my look and thus judge others looks to try and win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others in my mind as judging them instead living in integrity here as self as equals as all that is here to create a unity that in fact exist as the physical as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have created fear of loss in terms of others, and realize that I am here in all and thus I can never be lost.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

2012, alone, appearance, behavior, bernard poolman, best, character, compete, compete to win, desteni, dimension, fear, gladiator, picture perfect, psychology, rejection, survival of the fittest, system, win, equal money system, self change