Day 119- Disappointment Character – Sexual Prowess

I have found very often I will go into disappointment within myself when I realize that I have fallen in my process or have not lived up to the expectations I put on myself to be lived out, and thus will fuel the mind through this polarity of desiring to be successful in my process and becoming disappointed when I fall. 

Here I see that I am playing into the personality suit quite well and sabotaging myself by living into this mind illusional point because within reality disappointment is not real nor beneficial, when I go into disappointment, I go into a point of depression within myself and seeing myself as a failure. But realizing, after discussing this with Bernard, that within life and within process, we will fall multiple times. I mean it’s really common sense, such as riding a bike, you don’t expect to in the first try be able to get on the bike and just ride it, it’ll take practice, hard work, dedication, discipline, and all the points that make one an effective being in a physical task, so same with walking through the mind, I have to start living this realization that I am not going to be perfect, and that this perfection is not beneficial nor even at all realistic, so it’s to walk this within my world, and stop going into the disappointment character when I see that I have fallen within a point.

Looking at this point more specifically because as I was typing I was getting a pain within my leg in the inside, and this is linked to my sexuality as the point of pain was on that tendon that goes right up to the pubic area, so looking at this point of being disappointed within my sexuality and who I am within getting sex. Within this, I see myself as someone who is not good enough within my look and thus within going into any point of potential relationship, I will within the starting point always diminish myself based on this belief I have that I am not good enough compared to others that are out there, and that I will never be able to match up to other females. So being disappointed with myself as a female and within sexual relations with others, I always see myself at a disadvantage, as less then, not good enough, and never being able to live up to this idea that I will be enough for a man, so thus settling for less always then who I am as real life expression here, my full potential.

So this is a primary point within my life that I sabotage myself with, and within this there are memories that I am holding onto, that when a potential partner comes into the picture, I will scan through the memories and remember that I was rejected, I was called names, I was fucked over, and they all have a common denominator, that being that they all revolve around me falling. So whenever I meet someone, I will always use these memories to hold myself in place and not ever just go for it, and be myself in acceptance in not having any expectation, letting myself just enjoy myself with another and just live, but always within these meetings with the opposite sex, there is always an underlying disappointment lingering because I have already failed within my mind, so activating and living into the disappointment and depression that I can never be satisfied, but realizing now as I walk my process, I am doing this to myself.

So In my next post, I will walk self forgiveness and self correction on these points.

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disappointment, self delusion, sex, flirt, sexual identity, sexuality, sexy women, relationships, partner, rejection, desteni, equal life, journey to life, change the world, team life, 2012, eqafe