Here looking at the "I am a fuck up" character, where in my starting point has always been that I am not good enough, I will eventually fuck things up, and that I am who I am is based on my past, so here many dimensions can be looked at as I have for most of my life defined myself in this way.
Why have I been defining myself in such a way is based on the fact that I have been holding onto the past, in where, I will when I come to a point of expressing myself and just enjoying myself, bring my past here and how I have defined myself as a fuck up, and within this it will superimpose into me, and I will become that character again as the past, and thus repeat the past. This repeating the past, in where I essential re-mind, bring to my mind once again, the past as my fuck up character, and essentially play the role yet again. This is how the mind operates and enslaves human beings, because it is the point of movement within bringing the past here, and thus we as the being follow the thoughts, the memories, the beliefs, the pictures, and yet again, play the, in this case, the fuck up character.
When I play into this character, I limit myself extensively as within the physical as I will go into suppression and self judgment based on the role I play within myself, seeing me as the least, and thus not wanting to expose myself as weak as how I really feel, so this I will suppress myself to not give any chance for any accidental exposure, so it is quite the conundrum I have created for myself. Obviously, I as life enjoy living, being who I like to be, doing what I like to do, hanging around people who are fun and enjoyable, and thus, within this point of living as a ‘fuck up’, I don’t live the point of who I am as life as the physical to it’s fullest potential.
This point of allowing myself to be diminished and live less then who I can be in the physical, is the point I am walking here, as I realize I am the only one holding myself back as I see when I do allow myself to push myself and just be here in breath and live, I enjoy myself and just enjoy the life around me, and within that my expression expands because I am expanding within myself, as before the suppression caused me to constrict and diminish as this is what I am doing in the physical.
I have walked many points already within the self judgment and comparision of myself to others, but within this is a holding onto the past, and allowing it within this here moment to define me in the future to come, so will be walking some self forgiveness on the point of holding onto the past and allowing it to direct me here as I live.
Self forgiveness to follow in coming blogs.
Featured Artist: Malin Olofsson
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i am a fuck up, i messed up, not capable, less then you, fullest potential, not living, dead, living dead, no life, stupid, ugly, dumb, self judgment, self compromise, desteni, eqafe, 2012, journey to life