Thursday, March 14, 2013

Day 251 – Why do I want to Hit Someone? – More on the Vengeful Character

For Further Perspective on the Vengeful Character, check out these Blogs:
Day 244 - How is Vengefulness Created within me? –Vengeful Character
Day 245 - I am An Addict - Opening Up More on Vengefulness
Day 246 - The Family Unit and the Vengeful Character
Day 247 - The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Forgiveness
Day 248 – The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Commitments to Live
Day 249 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership
Day 250 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership – Self Corrections to Live

For a lot of my life I would suppress myself within my head, often times I would take out my anger and irritation on others within my head, calling them names, seeing them as less important then me, and even beating them up if I was mad enough all inside my mind and imagination. Eventually, though, this would come to a head usually with just a word or a gesture towards me, and I would explode like a missile to destroy. I also realized that I often accumulated within me judgments and name calling I was doing in my head towards others for most of my days, I often was participating within this, and then when I was around others, I was often fearful and on edge to see what I was experiencing within me would come out within them towards me, the anger, the irritation, the bad mouthing, and the physical violence, it was like ‘are they thinking the same as I am, do they like me, am I gong to be accepted”.

I would be easily set off based on the built up of pressure of anger and fear, getting angry at others for my own self interested reasons like not getting my way or another was saying/doing something in a voice that aggravated me, but eventually the pressure would be so much, I would explode on whoever was the one to trigger that pressure explosion that I became. I have a memory here of my sister outside, we were fighting for some reason, and in the middle of it she called me a ‘dike’, this word triggered within me this pressure release because I took it as a personal attack. I didn’t want to be called this or associated as this based on the stigma I knew with this name as a manly female, and I played hockey, so I was conscious of this within me. So right then as she finished saying this to me and I got a rush of anger throughout my body due to taking this personal, I wound up and punched her.

I didn’t realize that this was able to be controlled at this time, this anger, the rush of this energy, I just always assumed its who I am, but is it? I just always existed in this way, anger at others and irritation because I didn’t get what I wanted or was not able to live in relaxation, and then I would take my anger as revenge out onto others me living in such a volatile and unstable state to whoever was the unlucky person to set the fuse of the explosion of anger. Obviously in the instance above, I took what my sister said to me as an attack on my standing within our environment,, our world, and our family and friends, and thus I was going to fall into a point of being weak among the group as this word as dike is seen within a negative connotation as a female who is manly within that current time, so it was unacceptable within me to be called that and thus I saw it as a deliberate and personal attack on me as a person in the group. So I sought to seek revenge within this case, and based on the explosion point I let her have it with physical abuse, and did not have any holding back within my words and within my self.

The revenge was instant and the action was then immediate and it was induced based on a reaction of a rush of embarrassment, anger, and fear energy as theses emotions, and thus with these emotional combinations, I went into a mode of protection to protect my own self as my self image and defend my honor within my environment to survive and remain strong. Weakness within myself and being seen as a weaker person was out of the question, and based on living within this polarity, I used violence and abuse towards others to become empowered when I was down within my group. And for me getting these emotions of negativity to go back to good feelings, back to the positivity, I had to get myself back to the top no matter what and I used mymind to get there rather then the reality that I was facing as me.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

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