Thursday, March 7, 2013

Day 244 – How is Vengefulness Created within me? –Vengeful Character

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So recently I have had someone say to me that I am so vengeful, this I would not consider of myself being, but within the moments of me where I am not at my ‘best’ and thus become possessed with emotion of angerand irritation, I for sure see how I can be seen as vengeful. In the past, I would have taken this comment personal, like a slap of my face, like how dare they call me this, but now I am grateful for these because like I said before, this is not readily something I can see and am not fully aware of because in my mind I don’t want to see this, I want to see myself as great, special, and thus within this desire to win and thus have the ‘good’ life. So these are gifts to me this saying of not so proud points within my living, where they give me the opportunity to see the good, bad, and ugly of myself so to change my living in every thought, word, and deed to be the best I can be and help support this world to be the best it can be as well.

So here I look at me as vengeful, I will first look at the definition of this word:

vengeful |ˈvenjfəl|
seeking to harm someone in return for a perceived injury

So using this definition, I can more practically see what this word imply about who I am being within this vengeful character, and thus it’s based on a point of injustice I see I am facing with another, that they have wronged me and now I must get even. I can see this plays quite smoothly with the competition character I have walked in many blogs, and how I have lived most of my life in this me vs you mentality. It’s also a point of fear of loss, like if someone gets something or does something that I perceive was mine or something I should have done, I will start to accumulate this desire for revenge against them. This feeling is in my chest and rises up into my throat and head, and creates pressure in my head extensively the more I participate in it and allow the thoughts to accumulate and direct me.

I am looking at really a point of ownership I perceive myself to have over others, that what I get, what I have determined as mine or my families, is off limits to others, and if others take that which is mine then it's like this instance wtf triggers, 'why do they think they can just take what is not theirs'. But interestingly and quite slyly within myself, what I have determined as mine from others is much more loose and broad then what I allow others to be determined within what they take from me and if I took offensively. The backchat will be generated through this original thought that I accept that they are screwing me/us, the us linked to my family unit, they are taking advantage of me/us, and I will not get all that I could get if they just kept to what is theirs. So I see I go hard on them where if one point that is not working correctly in their favor, I will exploit it and make it to be a big thing and not use the equality equation, coming to solutions and treating others as I would want to be treated, but taking my revenge out on them for what I have accumulated as memories as offensives they have done to me.

It’s like an evilness comes up and out of me, like I am going to lose my survival if someone gets something over me and I lose out. I am not being self honest here because I have always gotten everything I needed, and have always had the avenues open to me to get what it is I want, and I still desire more, I still take from others what isn’t mine, I still lie to others to get out of things, I still act in ways that I would not want to be treated in such a way, and if I find another is doing this to me, there is hell to pay, theres no self honesty.

Vengefulness is a feeling of possession of anger and revenge mixed within the mind of thoughts of all I can muster to make it about the other, what they are doing to me and how I am getting screwed. Now I am going to bring it back to myself and start dismantling and disarming this character, to stabilize myself within it, and give myself the direction within commitments I make for myself to live to stop this abuse to others, and correct it within myself to be able to see others and myself as equal and walk the change that will support all equally.

To redefine vengefulness to be best for all is not practical because in it’s definition lies a separation of self into blame, and as life in oneness and equality all that remain here is self, I am all that live, and once this realized and lived for real, vengefulness will be useless and really silly because you will be doing it to yourself, which makes no sense at all. So why do I do it here, this is to be continued, but obviously because I am not living common sense.

Thanks for reading.

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