Day 240 – Leadership and the Mean Character

For further reference on the mean character, please read these following blogs:

Day 237 – Walking with Others – Why People see me ...
Day 238 – Mean Character – Militant Biatch
Day 239 - Mean Character - Self Commitments

I find within this point of responsibility I put myself in of leadership, I will become very rigid and strict inseeing that things get to a point where we will be able to accomplish our goals, I find within observing myself within this scenario of being responsible for others and the goal set us for us to do, is that I will go into fearand anxiety that I will fail and in turn be seen as not able to lead by those I deem as higher in authority to me, and thus not able to handle my responsibilities and be seen as someone who is not capable in what once wasthought that I could do.

I have a very hard time with this being demoted essentially as this kills my ego in my sense of self as the one that can handle all things, that can do it all, and that can become the leader that I am seen to be able to be. I will then become this mean person where I will direct others and not be self honest within the way and how I am conducting myself to get the goals met, this by force on others through words rather then being equal with others and allowing them to lead themselves essentially with the support and tools that I put in place to make it work for all.

I will be doing self forgiveness on this fear of being seen incapable when I am put in a leadership position and thus won’t allow myself to fail or others, and become mean when this is this case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself within the idea that I must be capable and follow through in all responsibilities I take on especially those given to me by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as special or chosen within this point of another giving my leadership or responsibility within a project or point that we are working on, and thus allow this to go to my head and think then that I am better then others rather then see it as a point where I have potential for making the project work strictly within what it is that was assigned to me or simply because I am the best person with the right skill set for the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others within those who are in leadership positions and me as well, and see and gauge where it is that I am seen among the group or am placed to thus define myself within this perceived ranking I have made up in my mind and then thus define myself by this and treat others in a superior/inferior stance in relation to how I have defined myself.

I forgive myself that I will then within this perceived rank I have created for myself as either more or less then others will go and treat those I perceive as less then me within a strictness and forcefulness to get the work done correctly, and those I perceive as superior to me in a way that is kind and honoring them for them to see me in a high regard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my self and how I live towards others based on my mind and an idea that I am some how more or less based on a point of position I was asked to do or not do, and thus see myself within this view of better or worse related to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on others seeing me capable or not and thus define myself based on the actions of others who are in leadership positions for me to see where I stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my own self integrity to the ego of myself in desiring to be more and seen as more from those who are seen within high status in my circles or where I am at, and thus desire their approval so then I can be satisfied with myself because I have the approval who those who are at the top.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my own self integrity to those who are not in a leadership position and thus become this person who is more then them by being demanding and mean within my behavior and words for them to do something that I expect them to do in perfection, where in I do not do this to myself and expect the same for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within my actions due to this desire to be seen as special by those I see as more then me and thus abuse those within those I see as less then me based solely on the fact that I am defining who I am by others, and thus am determined and living from theacceptance of those around me and becoming a demon in the making because I am not seeing what I am doing as the meanness that I am living towards others, but jst seeing my desire to be seen by those that I want to impress as more and good at what I do, when in reality I am not good as in treating all as good and working towards a solution, but being good by forcing the results through strictness within my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use force in words toward others to make them do what I want instead of walking the process of correction within what it is in the process with another that is not working, walking patience’s and gentleness as how I would want for myself.

Self commitments to follow.

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