My Journey to Life: mean

Showing posts with label mean. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Day 243 – Mean Character – Back Chat Dimension – They are so Lazy – Self Commitments to Live

Please reference this blog for further perspective:
Day 242 – Mean Character – Back Chat Dimension – “They are so Lazy”

When and as I see I am going into an irritation based on allowing backchat to direct me in my living, I stop and breath, and realize that this emotion of irritation is based on me not taking responsibility for my ownthoughts as backchat and blaming others for things that I myself are doing as well. I realize that I need to perfect my own living and thus become an example for others, blame and irritation just reflecting the opposite and a point of denial and dishonesty within myself of me doing it as well.

I commit myself to not allow a point of backchat to direct me by becoming aware of it in the moment and using my breath and physical body to move myself to not participate.

I commit to each time the backchat comes up of another is lazy, I stop and breath, and bring it back to myself and see where it is that I am being lazy.

I commit myself to walk the correction in my living within seeing were I am being lazy in my day and changethat so I am effective and productive and can become someone who can be trusted to do what is necessary and can help out.

I commit myself to let go of the desire to blame by becoming observant within why I am going into this blame, what am I not facing within myself, and how can I change this to be supportive of myself and others around me.

When and as I see I am going into a point of judgment towards others as lazy and become angry because I perceive myself to be doing more, I stop and breath, and realize that this is not an accurate portrayal of reality but based on my self interest to feel superior and get pity form others for nice feelings within me.

I commit myself to investigate all the judgments that come up within me and bring it back to myself and see where it is that I am actually judging myself and thus want to make others this way as well.

I commit myself to stop the thoughts as pictures in my mind that others are doing less, and see where it is that I can do more, where I can contribute more in self honesty and stop this blame of others as it’s not in fact real or accurate to what is real in reality.

I commit myself to breath through the emotions to go into anger towards others and make a ruckus and investigate why I am looking to create conflict, what is it that I want, and stop this self interest through writing and living the correction.

I commit myself to breath and see all within reality, all considerations, and hear all sides of the story before I rush and judge or make a definitive decision on something or someone.

I commit myself to walk the solution and consider others as I would want to be consider and live.

When and as I see I am going into this point of spitefulness towards others due to this backchat thought of they are so lazy and following it, I stop and breath, and realize that this is not a fair assessment of someone, I am judging them based on my own agenda and desire to be more then them, and thus realize this is abuse to another and I am being an abuser to life.

I commit myself to stop spitefulness and not accept myself to become this, I immediately flag this and investigate what it is that I don’t want to see within myself and want to blame on another and go to the point of wanting to seek revenge.

I commit myself to stop the abuse in spite and revenge for another as this is outright abuse and not acceptable nor necessary to solve conflicts.

I commit to walk solutions with others in compromise and let go of the thoughts that make me vs. them type outlook.

I commit to walk as equal with others and let go of my thoughts as mind that try to sabotage myself or others.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Day 242 – Mean Character – Back Chat Dimension – “They are so Lazy”

For further reference on the mean character, please read these following blogs:

Day 237 – Walking with Others – Why People see me ...

Day 238 – Mean Character – Militant Biatch
Day 239 - Mean Character - Self Commitments
Day 240 – Leadership and the Mean Character
Day 241 – Leadership and the Mean Character – Self Correction to Live

Here looking at my back chat in terms of when this mean character come into play within me, where I will become this person as being mean towards others in my world, and I see it’s created and thus generated through this backchat thoughts of “They are so Lazy”. This is within a point of me not having something be easy and smooth in my world, and thus I have to put extra effort in based on another person not competing there responsibilities. I realize though within this to be determined and moved based on others actions and thus allow myself to be trapped in the mind as blame when I don’t know for facts the reasons for such absentness, I will be determined and enslaved to these needs in myself of having others compare to my work effort and thus going into a immediate blame if it is not complete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an anger within me that is exerted out in my words of harshness and abrasiveness towards others when I initially allowed and accepted the backchat thought of others that they are lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and participate in the thought of they are so lazy by accepting the energy as anger and irritation to consume me into blame towards another and a superior stance towards them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and irritated at others in my world that I have thought this thought about that they are lazy and immediately compare them to me in what I am doing, and always judge them as not as productive as me in what I am doing and contributing to others in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blaming others for the effort I put in to my day and thus create more of this anger emotion because I see myself having to work harder then others because in my mind I have defined them as lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in judgments towards others as lazy and not as hard working as me, and thus fuel this anger and irritation when I have made a judgment in a situation that they are indeed being lazy again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another as lazy based on images in my mind as screenshots I memorized in where I judge these people as lazy in their day to day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create screenshots in my mind of moments in timethat are really but illusions and thus determine the physical here in what is going on as a picture in my mind from the past that is based on my perception within a judgment of superiority rather then actually seeing what was really happening in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become part of the problem and thus create moreconflict and tension within the environment I am in rather then become a support equal to how I would want to be treated, and realize that I can direct the physical into solutions with others if I let go of my judgments of what’s going on which indeed is blinding me from really seeing reality but only what I want to see to feed my self interest in being superior over others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become blinded to reality based on accepting this thought of backchat as ‘they are so lazy’ where I use it to my advantage to be seen as more capable then the other and try to prove this through a point of me vs. them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become vengeful towards others based on believing that I am justified due to the backchat thoughts in my mind that I allow to direct me and thus act on them by being spiteful towards others and mean within my way of acting with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my self interest in really trying to be seen as more then others and use the backchat thoughts as ‘they are so lazy’ to justify my actions of abuse and meanness towards them so I can feel empowered and special cause in my mind I have made me right and them wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity within my reality and in my mind as me vs them and thus allow these back chat thoughts as ‘they are lazy’ to direct me into behaving in a way to create this scenario where I win and others lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others and the solution to this life and living in this world of being equal and one and treating others in this way, to create a communion with others and opportunity for solutions in cooperation and support for and by all.

Self Commitment Statements to follow.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Day 241 – Leadership and the Mean Character – Self Correction to Live

Please reference this blog for understanding and context to this post, thanks.

When and as I see I am going into a point of ego when I am given responsibility within a leadership role, I stop and breath, and realize that within this belief and idea that I am chosen or special due to this appointment of leadership over others I am engaging in my ego and thus allowing and accepting the abuse and competitionbetween me and those I am with which is not necessary. I realize I can walk within equality within this leadership role, and thus lead within practical and logistic points, and stop the mind experience of being more because I realize I am not, we are equal.

I commit myself to become aware of my physical body when I am given a leadership position or responsibility, and do not accept any form of mind experience, breathing through it and writing down what in fact I am looking to do and walk within this newly appointed set of responsibilities or leadership position.

I commit myself to stop the desire when it arises of being seen as more special or believing myself to be more special because I was chosen to be a leader.

I commit myself to when I see I am engaging in this belief of being and desiring to be seen as more special, I breath, and walk the point of realizing that we are equal, I am not special this is a mind delusion I have created to make me lose focus and not stay in the physical.

I commit myself to stop the anger and resentment of energy emotions when they arise when I don’t receive the leadership position and another does.

When and as I see myself go into a point of judgment of superior/inferior based on who I see as the leader within my reality and those who are not, I stop and breath, and realize that this is really sabotaging my own self standing with others and not allowing myself to be able to really see or hear others and what they are saying or living within their world, which I realize create more conflict and confusion when I am herestanding as an example to live equal.

I commit myself to stop this point of judgment of others and walk an equal process of physically moving myself to walk with them in what it is that I can support with as well as here support from others.

I commit myself to stop my definition of myself from outside sources by embracing me in these moments and realizing what I am able to accept of myself and walk in correction to thus stand stable and equal with life rather then be in comparison with it.

I commit to accept myself and walk the process of becoming self perfected in my life where there is no gauge by external forces but that which I live and assess in self honesty due to my own self awareness in how I live.

I commit myself to stop and investigate all points in my mind when I go into a comparison and stop the participation to others and walk the solution by treating others as I would want to be treated.

I commit to walk a process of humbleness by standing as an equal with another and walking the point of unconditional support regardless of who or what they are, I walk in equality.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Day 240 – Leadership and the Mean Character

For further reference on the mean character, please read these following blogs:

Day 237 – Walking with Others – Why People see me ...
Day 238 – Mean Character – Militant Biatch
Day 239 - Mean Character - Self Commitments

I find within this point of responsibility I put myself in of leadership, I will become very rigid and strict inseeing that things get to a point where we will be able to accomplish our goals, I find within observing myself within this scenario of being responsible for others and the goal set us for us to do, is that I will go into fearand anxiety that I will fail and in turn be seen as not able to lead by those I deem as higher in authority to me, and thus not able to handle my responsibilities and be seen as someone who is not capable in what once wasthought that I could do.

I have a very hard time with this being demoted essentially as this kills my ego in my sense of self as the one that can handle all things, that can do it all, and that can become the leader that I am seen to be able to be. I will then become this mean person where I will direct others and not be self honest within the way and how I am conducting myself to get the goals met, this by force on others through words rather then being equal with others and allowing them to lead themselves essentially with the support and tools that I put in place to make it work for all.

I will be doing self forgiveness on this fear of being seen incapable when I am put in a leadership position and thus won’t allow myself to fail or others, and become mean when this is this case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself within the idea that I must be capable and follow through in all responsibilities I take on especially those given to me by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as special or chosen within this point of another giving my leadership or responsibility within a project or point that we are working on, and thus allow this to go to my head and think then that I am better then others rather then see it as a point where I have potential for making the project work strictly within what it is that was assigned to me or simply because I am the best person with the right skill set for the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others within those who are in leadership positions and me as well, and see and gauge where it is that I am seen among the group or am placed to thus define myself within this perceived ranking I have made up in my mind and then thus define myself by this and treat others in a superior/inferior stance in relation to how I have defined myself.

I forgive myself that I will then within this perceived rank I have created for myself as either more or less then others will go and treat those I perceive as less then me within a strictness and forcefulness to get the work done correctly, and those I perceive as superior to me in a way that is kind and honoring them for them to see me in a high regard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my self and how I live towards others based on my mind and an idea that I am some how more or less based on a point of position I was asked to do or not do, and thus see myself within this view of better or worse related to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on others seeing me capable or not and thus define myself based on the actions of others who are in leadership positions for me to see where I stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my own self integrity to the ego of myself in desiring to be more and seen as more from those who are seen within high status in my circles or where I am at, and thus desire their approval so then I can be satisfied with myself because I have the approval who those who are at the top.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my own self integrity to those who are not in a leadership position and thus become this person who is more then them by being demanding and mean within my behavior and words for them to do something that I expect them to do in perfection, where in I do not do this to myself and expect the same for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within my actions due to this desire to be seen as special by those I see as more then me and thus abuse those within those I see as less then me based solely on the fact that I am defining who I am by others, and thus am determined and living from theacceptance of those around me and becoming a demon in the making because I am not seeing what I am doing as the meanness that I am living towards others, but jst seeing my desire to be seen by those that I want to impress as more and good at what I do, when in reality I am not good as in treating all as good and working towards a solution, but being good by forcing the results through strictness within my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use force in words toward others to make them do what I want instead of walking the process of correction within what it is in the process with another that is not working, walking patience’s and gentleness as how I would want for myself.

Self commitments to follow.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Day 233 – The Control Freak Character – Inflexibility

So often I have this pain in my ankles that cause an ache within them, I asked Sunette one time what mind relationship does this consist of and she told me inflexibility. This making sense because obviously with the ankles soar and not able to work in full capacity, I am inflexible to move my feet as normal, inflexible meaning I am limited.

I see this inflexibility often when I go into a desire to control my situation and what is going on around me, this inflexibility is usually based on a desire or an expectation I hold, and will do little to deter from what it is that I have set in my mind to do. This causing my actions to be inflexible with others not really hearing them, not considering them and who they are in the living in their lives, not considering where they come from and so only look at the points of were I will benefit and get my desires fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become inflexible within what I am doing or who I am being with others when what I expect does not come to fruition and so I go into like a militant mode where I will not see nor allow any points of consideration outside of the expectation that I had created in my mind to live out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see life within a point of self interest where I limit myself with others due to a desire to control the conditions of what I think should happen rather then allowingthe life to live and be considered equally to how I consider myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire within me to control others based on believing that I know better and that I am smarter then others, justifying my actions towards them in notseeing reality for what it is and causing abuse as been done within the previous post of me making someone cry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a person who only looks at how I will benefit and how I can meet my desires and not take into consideration the others that are also to be considered into the equation because they are in the environment with me and are equally as important as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become inflexible within what I will do or not do based on my idea of what I desire to have happen within different scenerios and will not budge even if reality is showing me otherwise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to others or hear what they have to say until I myself have proven what they say is true or not, because I desire for myself to always be the last word and the person I trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust others in my life an always look at others in this idea in my head that they wil fail and will not be able to do it as I will be able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea in my head of others always going to fail and live this out within my living where I will not allow others to do things or move within projects where I see that there is potential or they have failed in the past, and thus deem them and define them in this way without allowing others to correct themselves, when I see and realize I make the same mistakes but give me the luxury to redeem myself within my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intolerant to others If they fail and not give them a fair estimation to try again and correct themselves.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Day 232 - Control Freak Character - I have to get the last Word - Self Correction to Live

When and as I go into a point of desire to go and have the last word with another, I stop and breath, and come to realization that it will on fuel the ego and thus cause abuse as I have witnessed many times because it is done by force and competition, not to a solid understanding between equals to come to a solution.

I commit myself to stop the desire to get the last word in by not allowing myself to continue with the train of thought, but training myself to breath through this desire, and work on something else, come to a solution orcompromise with the other, and do something else until I am stable and really can commit to walk in equality with the other without reacting.

I commit myself to stop looking at others in a point of competition in where it is always about how I can get ahead, but start to walk the point of self appreciation and self acceptance in considering who I am and what I do, and thus stop the desire to prove myself to others, as I push the point of self sufficiency within myself and correcting that which I see is able/needed to be corrected in what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop the desire to be seen by others as special in this point of having the last word, where in I go into a point of competition, I stop and commit to stop the desire to be noticed, and push the point of acceptance within me and thus accepting others for who they are.

I commit myself to start walking the focus of the physical, in the physical paying attention to the words spoken and gestures made, so I can align myself in equality with the other as the physical to become in support of what is best and solution to the conflict or issues we are having in that moment, walking the point of solution in the physical and stopping it go to my mind into separating and trying to win.

I commit myself to let go of this desire to be better then another and have them submit to me.

I commit myself to stop the point of being seen as the better person with others and thus I change my focus to what is best for all and push the point of treating all others with respect and how I would want to be treated.

I commit myself to stop the desire to have the last word and thus stop the idea that this person is better then the one who doesn’t get it in, by stopping myself from focusing on that and thus focus on all the words spoken in the context of coming to a solution for all in agreement and stopping my self interest.

I commit myself to stop defining myself by my mind, and thus stand as the physical in support of the physical as myself in making decisions in the physical through the writing and laying out all the options and pros and cons, to make a informed well executed and laid out solution pattern.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Day 231- The Control Freak Character – I HAVE to Get the Last Word

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire within me to have to get the last word in with another to feel fulfilled and as if I am accomplished within myself. I realize that within this I am only doing this because I have defined myself based on competition with others, and that it’s not even what is being said, but that I have created this urge within me to be the last one to speak so I can within myself say I won, I got the last word in, and now she will have to sit with that in her mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on getting the last word in where within me I feel special and smarter then the other because I was able to out wit them and have my words be the one’s that stick in there minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that within this behavior of getting the last word, that I completely disregard the actual words, gestures, and actions of the other and only focus on how I can win and defend my place within the environment we are in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that within this point of desire to have the last word, I am abusing the other because I am not listening to what they are saying, but within my actions I act as if I care, but really within me all I care about is being able to win and get her to submit to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by having the last word because I have created an idea within me that this person who is able to get the last word in is more witty and smart, and thus will have a platform from others to see them in this way as I have realized that when I am able to do this and get the last word in people react to me in agreement and excitement and it makes me feel good/special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by this idea I have created in mymind of how others perceive me within getting the last word when in truth it means no difference what others think and this is something I don’t in fact know, and in the meantime I am causing visual abuse to others based on this desire to be seen by others as special, witty, when I don’t have any clue what they are thinking of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause harm and abuse to others in visually hurting them and demeaning them for my own desires to be more then her and have a momentary feeling of accomplishment that is neither real or deserved because it’s done on the back of causing another to be hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse life for my own self interest in accepting competition to be better and not allowing life to be equal and have all have the ability to freely express and learn at their own pace with support from me rather then me being cut throat and deceptive.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Day 230 – Control Freak Character – I’m going to Make You Cry

Here I am looking at a point where I actually made another person cry because I just could not not get the last word in, and then I went and blamed her for me going and making her cry. Obviously, this is highly unacceptable and I am not ‘proud’ of this behavior in the least. I found this desire within me to have the last word was like a nagging feeling, like I could not just leave it alone and let the situation be, but just kept pushing and prodding this person because I wanted to have the resolution be on my terms. I ended up pushing so much that the other person broke down and started to cry, and told me to leave her alone and to get away from her, in that moment, I realized what I had done and accepted and allowed within my behavior, and instead of taking responsibility and stopping. I yelled at her in a point of fear and anger, and made it her fault, she is to blame for these feelings that I can’t or rather didn’t want to stop and control.

It’s a sort of energy that feels all encompassing, and also it like lingers and stays with me under the surface, this desire to control and have my input be the one that wins, and so I allow the backchat to go, I allow thethoughts of self righteousness, and I allow the anger to fester within me about all the points that are not being followed and dealt with in the environment I was in, and so I cause this point of bullying within myself towards others, like really walking the point of “it’s my way or you will pay for not listening to me.” Really abusive and controlling behavior to the point of causing another to visible break down and give up. I really after the fact felt shitty and because I was the one to feel shitty within myself and I looked at it as her winning, I reacted to this in anger and made it her fault, she is not doing what she is suppose to, and it’s not my fault, she deserves this, I will not be the one to be the cause of this physical breakdown.

I realized though within this, how often I do this, and how much of a bully I am, I was like this as a kid, I would be mean to other kids that were weaker then me and like always have a joke or find the weakness and exploit it. This is how I saw the world, like complete competition and that I was a strong person and cool, and so I could and would tease others and cause abuse because I got some sort of enjoyment out of it. It’s really disturbing, but this is what it felt like, a sense of enjoyment, like a release I suppose of this built up energy of desire to have it my way, and then the moment it releases comes the feeling of enjoyment, but then immediately the guilt, shame, and uncomfortableness sets in and I am comeptely turned around within me because I realize who I am being and what I am doing, living like a monster to others.

I fortunately lived in the seat of the one who I was abusing as the abused, and felt first hand the understanding of what it is like to be made fun of, abused and humiliated, and physically experience pretty much all the scenarios that I did to others, this time as the receiver of the abuse. This I am beyond grateful for because I did not understand at the time in my childhood years, how damaging and impactful the abuse and humiliation that can be caused onto one human being to another really is.

Unfortunately this does not just go away when you get older, these desires to control, be better, get attention, be superior, these are patterned and imprinted programmed behaviors now within me, I have bred it into my physical body and living, and now I have to walk each and every pattern out with self forgiveness and self correction through using and being self honest with how I really act in actual reality within a self introspection and self awareness process I am now walking through the written and spoken word.

This is why I am so open and honest with how I really see myself and how I behave(d), so I can deal with it and bring it to a correction through understanding it and forgiving it, so it doesn’t stay within me, hidden, never to be looked at and dealt with, until at some point it accumulates the energies through thinking and back chatting (the act of talking in your head about another in a degrading and nasty way, and never actually saying or directing it to a solution) about others to then be lived out in a scenario I just described above of making someone cry. I am walking a correction process of my living behavior, and thus I will walk in the next few blogs this correction point of causing another being, to break down and cry because I was being a mean and inconsiderate, self righteous person that only cared about winning and being seen by others as special, in control, powerful, and superior.

Thanks for reading.