Day 237 – Walking with Others – Why People see me as Mean?

I had someone tell me today that I am mean, for context, I was directing points that were misaligned and needed to be corrected, within the setting I am in, I am not the top authority in terms of hierarchy, and so people resist me telling them what to do and how to do things. I don’t see it like this in that I am telling people what to do or how to do things, but making sure what I am seeing as not working doesn’t continue in the way it does to cause further consequence. I don’t look at it within personal terms, but more business terms, in what our as the objectives are the priorities we are setting ourselves to complete, so our job is complete, I more look at walking principles within all I do of equality and oneness with all, but here obviously I was not walking this. I become very militant within where I see that a point needs to be corrected I have found, and have a hard time putting myself in the shoes of others in these types of scenarios to see how to direct people without causing a reaction within them as well as being self honest within what reactions are going on within me.

I find it’s very easy for others if they are not motivated or don’t want to do something, in terms of ‘annoying’ task that are not enjoyable but necessary, can easily fall off the wagon so to speak, and not complete what is necessary to be completed if someone is not over them and showing them that there will be consequence if it’s not done. Consequence is the motivator, but if there is none in terms of direct in your face consequence, people easily ignore and will go more towards the easy way or self-interest. I myself realize this because I do it as well, but I also have realized within the position I held, how important it is to be on top of things and make sure that my responsibilities are upheld because if this falls it effect every other part of the chain of responsibilities needed to create the end result that is needed for our livelihood in this case. So it's a balance of being direct and getting things done and accomplished, and also doing what is best for all, considering others, and walking with rather then forcing others to get the results that is needed.

Back to my interactions with others, I am seeing how I am easily going into backchat and irritation of others based on the belief that they are not doing what they are suppose to, they are not living to their fullest potential, and I am. I find I easily will dog another but give the luxury to myself to be more gentle, I find I have this tendency to justify this behavior of harshness with others is based on the fact that within myself I have a sense of being able to get everything I need done as well as doing it to achieve others expectation in that which I am ‘good’ at. I become energized by this ‘skill’ of mine and thus use it against others as a big egotistical person, and use anger and irritation to direct me through discussions at times and disagreements. I always in my mind have this desire to prove I am right, because of course I am right, I am still not hearing others, and see myself as more skilled and better able to do most things over other human beings.

My problem is that I am not humble and I am not slowing myself down, I am moving within the speed of the mind, thus showing that I am living within my mind not the physical within my breathing awareness, and thus I react and follow my thoughts and feelings/emotions within the life situations I am in rather then being my own directive principles and standing as an equal with others, actually hearing them and treated them with the respect that I treat myself with, and allowing others to learn and come to their own conclusions, not be theboss or have the answers, but help others to learn to be the boss of themselves and their own living and find their way to the answers that will serve all. Being a support for life not a detriment as an abusive rigid egotistical person that people don’t want to be around, hardly the person that is standing for life in oneness and equality and living the message of Jesus. I would like to be here among life with others as a support in symbiosis rather then corrosion, so I will walk self forgiveness on points I see I am still missing, and live the correction.




Thanks.


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Day 236 – Hitting a Squirrel – Blinded by the Light

Please see blog for further reference to this post, thanks:
Day 235 – Hitting a Squirrel

“The other day I was on my way to work, and on my way, I go down a big hill, it’s quite an enjoyable ride because I go into a foresty type area on the bottom, and the trees are cool.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to go and drive through this portion of the street because of the feeling of calmness and tranquility that goes through me when I enter the portion of trees that covers my whole car.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enthralled by this feeling of calmness and tranquility because I am addicted to it based on the fact that most of my day is spent in mental and physical stress due to allowing my thoughts to continual bother me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to feelings and emotions within myself, and thus miss the reality right in front of me where in in this case I end of abusing life in the ultimate sense by killing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the reality of the squirrel going by and be lost within these feelings of calmness as I went through the trees as I have attached the trees as a place of peace instead of simply seeing it for what it is a place of where more trees reside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape the mental stress within desiring to be under these tress on my morning drive being in my head looking forward to this pass instead of in my physical body paying attention to the road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost within these nice feelings within my body and thus not push myself to stop them and let them go to thus be able to direct myself in the physical and be fully present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost within the negative emotionalfeelings in my mind and body in where I desire to escape these emotions because of the overwhelmingness I can participate within at times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by energy within a negative andpositive polarity outplay in and throughout my day where I will resist one and crave the other, causing an unbalance in my living and not really living the physical because I am in my mind causing feelings and resisting my normal mental state which is usually stressed.

When and as I see myself going into this point of desire to escape and thus find something peaceful to do that will give me good feelings to resist and escape the emotions of stress and overwhelmingness I participate within, I stop and breath, and I realize that this way of living through the mind and being directed by energywill cause me to be unstable and miss reality. I realize that this is very consequential, as I am not considering what is really in fact going on and stuck in an alternate reality in my illusions that are not real and can take me out there to far places.

I commit myself to stop my mind from directing me into desires to escape into doing peaceful things, by not participating in these thoughts, and walking the correction within saying no I stop escaping, I am here in my body, and I walk the physical in focusing on all that is here as me.

I commit myself to move myself until I am here within my physical body, and I can immediately place myself in my physical and be here, to become aware and direct myself in the best way I am able to.

I commit myself to embrace myself as breath, and push myself to become aware of it in each moment, so I have the best opportunity to avoid any accidents or abuse I may inadvertently cause.


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Day 235 – Hitting a Squirrel

The other day I was on my way to work, and  on my way, I go down a big hill, it’s quite an enjoyable ride because I go into a foresty type area on the bottom, and the trees are cool. This day I saw a squirrel attempt to cross the street, and in my mind I said ‘don’t do it buddy’ and he turned around and went back. In my head again I go, cool, he learned to wait, and so just kept going without considering that he would not actually have considered that point and would attempt again. This he did, he ran across, and I was going to fast, and hit him. I felt really like shit all morning, and just kept playing that scene over in my mind of him trying again, me not stopping, and him losing his life. I realized in that moment how assumptions are not real, but of the mind, how I assumed that the squirrel wouldn’t go because he attempted and went back because it’s not safe. And within this allowance of this assumption, I didn’t consider the reality of the situation, and that he may attempt to go. So I didn’t use any caution, and then I went into guilt and regret because I didn’t consider the physical.

I see though after the fact it’s too late, you can’t go into guilt or regret because it’s another mind trap, not real as it changes nothing of me killing a squirrel left on the side of the road. 

Will continue with self forgiveness and more writing of this point.

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Day 234 – Control Freak – I am Inflexible - Self Commitments to Live

When and as I see that I am going into a militant mode with others in becoming inflexible to who and how they are living in a project or point we are living together within, I stop and breath, and realize that this militant mode will only create more of the separation and resistance I am facing within this situation due to me not accepting myself to hear or see another’s view and perspective in equality, but rather want me to be right and the other wrong. I realize I can’t be equal because I am in self-interest to have it my way or the highway which will cause conflict always.

I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to breath and move myself through this desire to control and thus allow myself to open up to others words and actually hear what is being said through slowing down mymind by not allowing myself to participate within the thoughts to get my way through focusing on the others words to me.

I commit myself to move myself from the mind in these thoughts of what others should do in these moments of desire to get my way, and thus embrace the other as myself in seeing them within their shoes, how they are walking and seeing a point, and come to a solution that will work for each of us equally.

When and as I see I go into a point of desire to control and thus not allow flexibility within what it is I am doing with others, I stop and breath, and realize I am not the only one in the group others are here and are to be considered equally as I would want for myself all should get equal respect and equal opportunity to work and share themselves to find what the solution is in a point of expressing our beingnesses as life.

I commit myself to allow others to share and express themselves in what it is they are seeing and walking, and put myself in their shoes and see from how/where they are seeing, and from this equal consideration and assessment, walk what is necessary to help and support the other as well as myself in that moment in what it is we are doing.

When and as I see I am going into a point of ego where I believe I am smarter and better then another or the group, I stop and breath, and realize this is due to a desire to be seen more and given more attention to me because I am not giving this attention to myself, I am not seeing myself, and thus desire this from others.

I commit myself to stop this belief of myself that I need others to validate me as each time it come up I assess if it is ego and walk the correction by speaking the point of equality within it such as ‘no garb, I am equal with all and we all have equal ideas/perspectives in who we are, I have equal value to all’ and I can walk my own self direction in self trust through practicing this in my living.
I commit myself to see reality for what it is with others and walk the correction of remaining with the physical conditions of what problem, issue, situation we are walking in the physical, and thus stopping myself form going into a point of energy to have more then what is here as the physical.

I commit myself to walk as and with the group in doing what is best for all as I see this will be what is best for me, I commit to stop my personal interest to be seen or heard by giving this to myself through self praise and adoration of points I see I follow through on and walk in equality with others, recognize myself in what it is I committed and walked through with.

When and as I see that I am going into this point of not seeing reality but only what I want to see as ideas in my mind, I stop and breath, and realize this is heading into dangerous territory as this is accepting and allowing the mind to direct me and I realize this is not life nor real as the mind is from illusion in the head as thoughts and energies that cease in moments, thus I realize I have to walk the physical in grounding myself in what is real and slowly walk out of the mind by stopping my participation in energy and stopping the thinkingprocess ending the minds dependency.

I commit myself to remain in the physical in moments of desire to control and not see what is real by being aware of this pattern and pushing myself to not allow these desires to direct me from the mind, but move myself into my body and walk the common sense I am seeing in that moment in the physical, and then I can walk what the physical is showing me as a group assessment rather then just my own assessment to prove that is in fact real.

When and as I go into a point of not trusting others and what the physical is showing me, I stop and breath, and realize that this is my ego as the mind in wanting to get more or have attention, I realize and see within this that the ego is being activated due to the nature of the energy to have more and be more then others as like a jealous or self righteousness desire within me that moves as an energy movement of anxiety or irritation.

I commit myself to assess what all say in common sense and use others assessment and perspectives as reference for me as well as what I see in the physical to determine what in fact is real and use the principle of equality and oneness in what is best for all to walk what is need to be walked.

I commit myself to stop the belief that I know better and I am stronger then others and walk the correction through hearing what others have to offer and becoming humble by accepting others as me in seeing that they are me and walking with them as them to solutions that will work for all.

I commit myself to stop the judgment of others if they fall and support them rather then put them down as I see I fall and require this same support from others.


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Day 233 – The Control Freak Character – Inflexibility

So often I have this pain in my ankles that cause an ache within them, I asked Sunette one time what mindrelationship does this consist of and she told me inflexibility. This making sense because obviously with the ankles soar and not able to work in full capacity, I am inflexible to move my feet as normal, inflexible meaning I am limited.

I see this inflexibility often when I go into a desire to control my situation and what is going on around me, this inflexibility is usually based on a desire or an expectation I hold, and will do little to deter from what it is that I have set in my mind to do. This causing my actions to be inflexible with others not really hearing them, not considering them and who they are in the living in their lives, not considering where they come from and so only look at the points of were I will benefit and get my desires fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become inflexible within what I am doing or who I am being with others when what I expect does not come to fruition and so I go into like a militant mode where I will not see nor allow any points of consideration outside of the expectation that I had created in my mind to live out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see life within a point of self interest where I limit myself with others due to a desire to control the conditions of what I think should happen rather then allowingthe life to live and be considered equally to how I consider myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire within me to control others based on believing that I know better and that I am smarter then others, justifying my actions towards them in notseeing reality for what it is and causing abuse as been done within the previous post of me making someone cry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a person who only looks at how I will benefit and how I can meet my desires and not take into consideration the others that are also to be considered into the equation because they are in the environment with me and are equally as important as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become inflexible within what I will do or not do based on my idea of what I desire to have happen within different scenerios and will not budge even if reality is showing me otherwise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to others or hear what they have to say until I myself have proven what they say is true or not, because I desire for myself to always be the last word and the person I trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust others in my life an always look at others in this idea in my head that they wil fail and will not be able to do it as I will be able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea in my head of others always going to fail and live this out within my living where I will not allow others to do things or move within projects where I see that there is potential or they have failed in the past, and thus deem them and define them in this way without allowing others to correct themselves, when I see and realize I make the same mistakes but give me the luxury to redeem myself within my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intolerant to others If they fail and not give them a fair estimation to try again and correct themselves.

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Day 232 - Control Freak Character - I have to get the last Word - Self Correction to Live

When and as I go into a point of desire to go and have the last word with another, I stop and breath, and come to realization that it will on fuel the ego and thus cause abuse as I have witnessed many times because it is done by force and competition, not to a solid understanding between equals to come to a solution.

I commit myself to stop the desire to get the last word in by not allowing myself to continue with the train of thought, but training myself to breath through this desire, and work on something else, come to a solution orcompromise with the other, and do something else until I am stable and really can commit to walk in equality with the other without reacting.

I commit myself to stop looking at others in a point of competition in where it is always about how I can get ahead, but start to walk the point of self appreciation and self acceptance in considering who I am and what I do, and thus stop the desire to prove myself to others, as I push the point of self sufficiency within myself and correcting that which I see is able/needed to be corrected in what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop the desire to be seen by others as special in this point of having the last word, where in I go into a point of competition, I stop and commit to stop the desire to be noticed, and push the point of acceptance within me and thus accepting others for who they are.

I commit myself to start walking the focus of the physical, in the physical paying attention to the words spoken and gestures made, so I can align myself in equality with the other as the physical to become in support of what is best and solution to the conflict or issues we are having in that moment, walking the point of solution in the physical and stopping it go to my mind into separating and trying to win.

I commit myself to let go of this desire to be better then another and have them submit to me.

I commit myself to stop the point of being seen as the better person with others and thus I change my focus to what is best for all and push the point of treating all others with respect and how I would want to be treated.

I commit myself to stop the desire to have the last word and thus stop the idea that this person is better then the one who doesn’t get it in, by stopping myself from focusing on that and thus focus on all the words spoken in the context of coming to a solution for all in agreement and stopping my self interest.

I commit myself to stop defining myself by my mind, and thus stand as the physical in support of the physical as myself in making decisions in the physical through the writing and laying out all the options and pros and cons, to make a informed well executed and laid out solution pattern. 


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Day 231- The Control Freak Character – I HAVE to Get the Last Word

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire within me to have to get the last word in with another to feel fulfilled and as if I am accomplished within myself. I realize that within this I am only doing this because I have defined myself based on competition with others, and that it’s not even what is being said, but that I have created this urge within me to be the last one to speak so I can within myself say I won, I got the last word in, and now she will have to sit with that in her mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on getting the last word in where within me I feel special and smarter then the other because I was able to out wit them and have my words be the one’s that stick in there minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that within this behavior of getting the last word, that I completely disregard the actual words, gestures, and actions of the other and only focus on how I can win and defend my place within the environment we are in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that within this point of desire to have the last word, I am abusing the other because I am not listening to what they are saying, but within my actions I act as if I care, but really within me all I care about is being able to win and get her to submit to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by having the last word because I have created an idea within me that this person who is able to get the last word in is more witty and smart, and thus will have a platform from others to see them in this way as I have realized that when I am able to do this and get the last word in people react to me in agreement and excitement and it makes me feel good/special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by this idea I have created in mymind of how others perceive me within getting the last word when in truth it means no difference what others think and this is something I don’t in fact know, and in the meantime I am causing visual abuse to others based on this desire to be seen by others as special, witty, when I don’t have any clue what they are thinking of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause harm and abuse to others in visually hurting them and demeaning them for my own desires to be more then her and have a momentary feeling of accomplishment that is neither real or deserved because it’s done on the back of causing another to be hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse life for my own self interest in acceptingcompetition to be better and not allowing life to be equal and have all have the ability to freely express and learn at their own pace with support from me rather then me being cut throat and deceptive.


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Day 230 – Control Freak Character – I’m going to Make You Cry

Here I am looking at a point where I actually made another person cry because I just could not not get the last word in, and then I went and blamed her for me going and making her cry. Obviously, this is highly unacceptable and I am not ‘proud’ of this behavior in the least. I found this desire within me to have the last word was like a nagging feeling, like I could not just leave it alone and let the situation be, but just kept pushing and prodding this person because I wanted to have the resolution be on my terms. I ended up pushing so much that the other person broke down and started to cry, and told me to leave her alone and to get away from her, in that moment, I realized what I had done and accepted and allowed within my behavior, and instead of taking responsibility and stopping. I yelled at her in a point of fear and anger, and made it her fault, she is to blame for these feelings that I can’t or rather didn’t want to stop and control.

It’s a sort of energy that feels all encompassing, and also it like lingers and stays with me under the surface, this desire to control and have my input be the one that wins, and so I allow the backchat to go, I allow thethoughts of self righteousness, and I allow the anger to fester within me about all the points that are not being followed and dealt with in the environment I was in, and so I cause this point of bullying within myself towards others, like really walking the point of “it’s my way or you will pay for not listening to me.” Really abusive and controlling behavior to the point of causing another to visible break down and give up. I really after the fact felt shitty and because I was the one to feel shitty within myself and I looked at it as her winning, I reacted to this in anger and made it her fault, she is not doing what she is suppose to, and it’s not my fault, she deserves this, I will not be the one to be the cause of this physical breakdown.

I realized though within this, how often I do this, and how much of a bully I am, I was like this as a kid, I would be mean to other kids that were weaker then me and like always have a joke or find the weakness and exploit it. This is how I saw the world, like complete competition and that I was a strong person and cool, and so I could and would tease others and cause abuse because I got some sort of enjoyment out of it. It’s really disturbing, but this is what it felt like, a sense of enjoyment, like a release I suppose of this built up energy of desire to have it my way, and then the moment it releases comes the feeling of enjoyment, but then immediately the guilt, shame, and uncomfortableness sets in and I am comeptely turned around within me because I realize who I am being and what I am doing, living like a monster to others.

I fortunately lived in the seat of the one who I was abusing as the abused, and felt first hand the understanding of what it is like to be made fun of, abused and humiliated, and physically experience pretty much all the scenarios that I did to others, this time as the receiver of the abuse. This I am beyond grateful for because I did not understand at the time in my childhood years, how damaging and impactful the abuse and humiliation that can be caused onto one human being to another really is.

Unfortunately this does not just go away when you get older, these desires to control, be better, get attention, be superior, these are patterned and imprinted programmed behaviors now within me, I have bred it into my physical body and living, and now I have to walk each and every pattern out with self forgiveness and self correction through using and being self honest with how I really act in actual reality within a self introspection and self awareness process I am now walking through the written and spoken word.

This is why I am so open and honest with how I really see myself and how I behave(d), so I can deal with it and bring it to a correction through understanding it and forgiving it, so it doesn’t stay within me, hidden, never to be looked at and dealt with, until at some point it accumulates the energies through thinking and back chatting (the act of talking in your head about another in a degrading and nasty way, and never actually saying or directing it to a solution) about others to then be lived out in a scenario I just described above of making someone cry. I am walking a correction process of my living behavior, and thus I will walk in the next few blogs this correction point of causing another being, to break down and cry because I was being a mean and inconsiderate, self righteous person that only cared about winning and being seen by others as special, in control, powerful, and superior.

Thanks for reading.

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