Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Day 230 – Control Freak Character – I’m going to Make You Cry

Here I am looking at a point where I actually made another person cry because I just could not not get the last word in, and then I went and blamed her for me going and making her cry. Obviously, this is highly unacceptable and I am not ‘proud’ of this behavior in the least. I found this desire within me to have the last word was like a nagging feeling, like I could not just leave it alone and let the situation be, but just kept pushing and prodding this person because I wanted to have the resolution be on my terms. I ended up pushing so much that the other person broke down and started to cry, and told me to leave her alone and to get away from her, in that moment, I realized what I had done and accepted and allowed within my behavior, and instead of taking responsibility and stopping. I yelled at her in a point of fear and anger, and made it her fault, she is to blame for these feelings that I can’t or rather didn’t want to stop and control.

It’s a sort of energy that feels all encompassing, and also it like lingers and stays with me under the surface, this desire to control and have my input be the one that wins, and so I allow the backchat to go, I allow thethoughts of self righteousness, and I allow the anger to fester within me about all the points that are not being followed and dealt with in the environment I was in, and so I cause this point of bullying within myself towards others, like really walking the point of “it’s my way or you will pay for not listening to me.” Really abusive and controlling behavior to the point of causing another to visible break down and give up. I really after the fact felt shitty and because I was the one to feel shitty within myself and I looked at it as her winning, I reacted to this in anger and made it her fault, she is not doing what she is suppose to, and it’s not my fault, she deserves this, I will not be the one to be the cause of this physical breakdown.

I realized though within this, how often I do this, and how much of a bully I am, I was like this as a kid, I would be mean to other kids that were weaker then me and like always have a joke or find the weakness and exploit it. This is how I saw the world, like complete competition and that I was a strong person and cool, and so I could and would tease others and cause abuse because I got some sort of enjoyment out of it. It’s really disturbing, but this is what it felt like, a sense of enjoyment, like a release I suppose of this built up energy of desire to have it my way, and then the moment it releases comes the feeling of enjoyment, but then immediately the guilt, shame, and uncomfortableness sets in and I am comeptely turned around within me because I realize who I am being and what I am doing, living like a monster to others.

I fortunately lived in the seat of the one who I was abusing as the abused, and felt first hand the understanding of what it is like to be made fun of, abused and humiliated, and physically experience pretty much all the scenarios that I did to others, this time as the receiver of the abuse. This I am beyond grateful for because I did not understand at the time in my childhood years, how damaging and impactful the abuse and humiliation that can be caused onto one human being to another really is.

Unfortunately this does not just go away when you get older, these desires to control, be better, get attention, be superior, these are patterned and imprinted programmed behaviors now within me, I have bred it into my physical body and living, and now I have to walk each and every pattern out with self forgiveness and self correction through using and being self honest with how I really act in actual reality within a self introspection and self awareness process I am now walking through the written and spoken word.

This is why I am so open and honest with how I really see myself and how I behave(d), so I can deal with it and bring it to a correction through understanding it and forgiving it, so it doesn’t stay within me, hidden, never to be looked at and dealt with, until at some point it accumulates the energies through thinking and back chatting (the act of talking in your head about another in a degrading and nasty way, and never actually saying or directing it to a solution) about others to then be lived out in a scenario I just described above of making someone cry. I am walking a correction process of my living behavior, and thus I will walk in the next few blogs this correction point of causing another being, to break down and cry because I was being a mean and inconsiderate, self righteous person that only cared about winning and being seen by others as special, in control, powerful, and superior.

Thanks for reading.

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