Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Day 223 – I am a Control Freak

Here looking at this point of control within my life and how especially within my job I become quite controlling and have to have points perfect according to how I see them having to be. I see I end up wasting time in this point of perfection, were I will sit and do things that in relevance are not important to the core of the job/problem/issue I am working on to be solved and completed. I also see that I have a point of ego within this point of being known for my attention to detail and listening to what is required of me from others, and in this I usually can and will over satisfy the higher ups. But within this, there is an arrogance to the way I behave because I use this as a point of superiority over others and when they do not live up my expectations of how I see the job should be done, I react in irritation and anger.

I see that there are times when corrections is necessary within my work and others work, but there is really no excuse or reason to lash out and become irritated at another for making a mistake or walking an incorrect process. This occurs because I let the point build over time and so it accumulates until eventually explodes and I will lash out. It's not all the time, but it's enough for me to take notice. I find I have this desire to have my hand in everything that is going on within this fear that if I don’t do it or direct others on how to do it, it will not be done correctly and within the thoroughness that I demand within myself and others. But there is obviously a learning curve and human mistakes that will happen, unfortunately many times I don’t consider this or easily look past this and go into reaction.

Now this reaction of irritation and anger then cause me to became nasty and this is all stemming from the desire to have it my way or the highway with those I am with or doing some sort of project with. I obviously need to correct this point because I see the patterns, the reactions, and the abuse I am causing to others that is not ok. I realize I can live in a way that supports others and so put myself in their shoes in understanding the point from all sides, but to do this I must stop my self interest to be on top and have my needs met over others, and thus help facilitate a equality within the environment I am in. I like to think of it's the other is the problem, they are the issue, but this blame and these thoughts are obvious indications that I am the problem, I am creating the issues within myself, and thus reacting because I am not taking responsibility for this and correcting myself to support life rather then continue to abuse it un self interest. 

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