Saturday, February 9, 2013

Day 220 – Exploring Self Acceptance – Competition and What Money Can Buy

Looking at this point of competition, my life has always been about competition and proving myself to others, I have realized that from childhood this has been programmed within me due to my involvement in sports and the nature of the sports I played, these being highly competitive. With the added point of my having a strongdesire to prove myself as worthy to others, and so sports was the perfect place to do this. Within sports this was praise and adoration was forthcoming if one was able to prove themselves as the best within the sport that they played. I was driven from a young age to be the best based on the existence within me of perfection, I never really realized this until I started process, but within myself I wanted to be seen and acknowledged as someone who is driven and striving for perfection always and people to see that I am valuable, I can do great things, and this in my case was proven in sports.

The point I will look at here is the desire to be the best, I wanted this for myself because of my insecure nature within me as a child, when I started to realize social norms and who was considered the ‘cool’ kids within my peer group, this desire to be the best was starting to take shape. I found that I often would compare myself to the other kids within what I had and what they had, and in many instance I didn’t compare, we didn’t have a lot of money to get whatever we wanted, so I noticed this much in my childhood because many in my school had everything. So for instance, in hockey I saw that for me to be able to compete and be the best, I had to have the best equipment. I had certain particular skates, certain particular brands I liked and thought were cool, and if I didn’t have these things, then I was not able to completely be able to be the best in the sport I was playing. I not only had to be the best, but I had to look the best as well. I grew this relationship of being seen as the best was being seen as cool and to be cool in life you had to have money to get cool things, because who we are is based on what cool things we have.

So the consumerism marketing push worked quite effectively in my particular case based on how I completely defined myself by the money value of what one had rather then who one was a human being. So in hockey this was a point were I saw this point of value due to money come out, for me to feel compete within my playing, I had to have all the best equipment, I actually had like a weight lift off me once I completed this point of getting everything I wanted within my look as a hockey player, and then I was able to really go out and be comfortable in playing. I was able to compete, I was able to match up with all the other girls, and show that I am worthy, I can completely able to compete with you, and so my chances of becoming the best were much greater cause in my mind this was only achieved if I was compete within my image of what the best was, and the best always was the most expensive.

Interesting how I found myself not really playing hockey to play, but I was actually like branding myself, like my nitch growing up was sports, and my sport that I was going to brand myself with was hockey cause I did have a aspect of enjoyment and natural ability, but I used it for my own interest, I was going to use it to be seen and achieve that recognition I desired for myself as being the best in something so I could see and become ‘good enough’ at something and feel valuable, feel ok within myself, and feel like I had a place in this world, I mattered.

But realizing that none of this was real, nothing last of this as I still am facing the same points of inferiority and existing in this false picture of myself of making myself more then how I am, this that money can’t make go away, but lead me to the same end, in a point of highs and lows never stable and never fulfilled. I am not actually accepting myself and thus playing hockey because I enjoy playing, but I am playing to make myself feel better about myself and show off for others to gain acceptance to prove to myself that I am ok, I am goodenough because I am like the others who I see as also ‘the best’ and thus I can have a chance to win, I have ahope of it, this hope of course will always cost not only money but also my self. Never being actually present and self aware in what it is I was doing in physical reality, but always in my mind scheming, desiring, hoping, and planning a way to make myself more, better, and achieve this elusive title of being the best. This actually never achievable because it’s in my mind not in reality, so even if I was the best in hockey, it was never enough, I always wanted more as I was looking for myself in others, in money, and in what I was doing rather then who I was being never seeing that I was always right here living.

Will continue more tomorrow.

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