A Lady's Journey to Life: Day 226 –I am a Control Freak – When the Fear of Being to Forceful Becomes Me

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Day 226 –I am a Control Freak – When the Fear of Being to Forceful Becomes Me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear hurting others feelings because I am being too forceful within who I am and what I do with and towards them in directing them, and thus I go into a point of second guessing myself and uncertain about who I am within each moment I am walking here in the physical because I go into inferiority and judgment of myself.

When and as I see that I am going into a point of uncertainty and doubt within myself on how to act, I stop and breath, and I realize that I can use the principle of what will be best for all because when I am looking within these points of self doubt and uncertainty, I see that it is based on self interest where I am accessing a point of wanting to be seen in a specific way, and thus I am compromising myself here in doing what is best for all for self interest to be seen as better, superior, stronger cause I feel the opposite.

I commit myself to make the correction within this point of doubting myself, by seeing what I am desiring and letting it go by saying ‘no til here no further” and I move myself to walk the point I see in self honesty to be walked for what is best for the group/all in that situation. I commit myself to stop my desires to be liked, by stopping these thoughts of judging myself as less then through breathing deep through my nose and letting them go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen within a specific way from another because within myself I am not accepting myself in this way as I am seeking it from another.

When and as I go into this point of desire to be seen or desired in a specific way, I stop and breath, as I realize that I am only seeking that which I am searching and not giving to myself within myself.

I commit myself to give myself what it is that I am desiring from another, so if it’s attention and praise, I give myself this attention and praise by seeing points that I am correcting and giving myself the understanding to show that I am seeing myself change and doing ‘better’, and thus recognize my achievements for myself and stop this desire for praise or attention from others through dubious means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncertain around others where in I will second guess myself in terms of what it is that I am doing and about to direct towards them, and within this I see that I fear being seen as wrong or doing it in a way that they can come back at me and say that I don’t know what I am talking about and within this I will compensate by become irritated and rude, so I will then be the first one as a defense to be ‘aggressive’ so they can not catch me off guard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as more powerful and on top of things then those I am working with because I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into aggression and become rude to others so I can be in the ‘powerful’ position in the group to save myself from the embarrassment of being called out and be wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of embarrassment and being seen as wrong and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angered, aggressive, and rude to others as a defense mechanism because within myself I feel inferior to others.

When and as I go into this point of seeing myself inferior to others understanding or demeanor, I stop and breath, as I realize this is simply a point of not accepting myself and so judging and comparing myself to others.

I commit myself to breath and move myself through this point to judge and compare by accepting me within and as the moment for who I am, and walk the correction of moving myself as the principles of what is best for all, focusing on the equality of us all and the point of creating solutions where I am able to.