Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Day 224 – More on Being a Control Freak

Today at work I observed myself as I walked from point to point within the different situations that came up throughout the day, within my job I am in a managerial position, and am required to create organization and efficiency within the office environment and working staff that I am involved with.

A few points I find that are influencing me within directing people and responsibilities is that I am feeling within myself fear of hurting their feelings by being to strong/forceful, uncertain of if I am being to strong/forceful, not considering the practical steps that are required to be re-adjusted, re-worked, and re-configured to create more of a flow and supersede that which is not working best, but in my mind allot trying to figure things out through becoming emotional and making things personal. So I find that when I within these points of uncertainty and fear, I am creating an anxiety within me and within this everything moves faster. Like it’s quite interesting, I am really wand up and tense within myself during these ‘stressful’ points during work, and the emotions and reactions within me start to move and accumulate more and more, this is because I am participating in second guessing myself, getting personally attached, direct within emotions, and not actually looking at physical reality, what is really going on.

Then I go into a point of survival and defense mechanism where I will start lashing out on others and finding all the points where I can use to prove I am right/justified for yelling and getting irritated at another for not following through, and they are in the wrong. So using points or mistakes against them rather then supporting them and walking with them to solutions and making the whole situation better. And then I will go and just allow it to pass and not question what just happened with an energy outburst for instance that I didn’t direct, but I felt compelled to move and react within it. I realize what I am doing now, although still many of this points came up and I was not completely stable, I am seeing myself more within in it and I am starting to look at how I can change and correct myself to create the practical solutions that will be best for all.

Patience is another point that I am not proficient in to a satisfactory point especially at work, it’s a point, being impatient, where I use to justify my actions towards others in blame and ignorance within myself to only see my side of the story and not consider theirs. So impatience’s causes me to be ignorant and in self interest as I am not willing to stop and see life in all regards, consider the actions of myself and others in self honest assessment by slowing down and seeing, so to create peaceful solutions that will support my co-workers rather then bringing them down. Man, I really could go into a whole point of self judgment of how I am actually existing within my beingness and it’s not someone I am proud of, but I realize I am learning and understanding myself within my mind, behaviors, and the way I am living, and thus give myself the opportunity to grow and change to correct these points to become humble and be a problem solver, what my job calls for, not a causer of problems.

So some cool points I saw today, and will continue to observe and write as this is a big point for me.

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Marlen Vargas Del Razo

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1 comment:

  1. This nicely exemplifies how working can really provide more opportunities for self-discovery. Getting paid to walk process! I like this.