Sunday, February 3, 2013
Day 215 – Exploring Self Acceptance – The Feeling of Absolute Dread Series –Part 1
Here looking at a feeling that I have recently became aware meaning I have looked at it in awareness without fear or submission, which is actually a pretty cool breakthrough for me because for many, many years I have allowed this feeling to overpower me and take control of my whole physical and mental faculties. This feeling is the feeling of absolute dread.
This feeling comes up and its very strong, a forceful energy that makes me feel not able to match it’s intensity, weak really within myself, and it is followed by thoughts and pictures of myself as being very unattractive. I get this feeling especially when I am in groups of people my own age, and I will be fine for quite a while, but during the event or evening, I can expect this feeling to come on. It is usually activated by an external force such as if I go in the mirror and judge myself as ugly or by someone else doing something that I interpret as a point of rejection towards me.
Here, I will first look at the mirror activation, this is a point were if I look and am not satisfied with my picture within the first glance, I will go into self judgment and thus self suppression. This thought stream will accentuate and accumulate to where I am in complete suppression and can hardly communicate with others based on these beliefs that they will think I am beyond degusting looking and they would never want to speak or look at me because of how gross I look, so I will live into this and not communicate and interact with others in comfortability, but be completely in fear of rejection/vulnerability.
Then I will go into this whole uncomfortable state within myself in and around these groups of people because of this thought activation that was created within the moment I judged myself in the mirror as ugly and not good enough, and then the feeling of absolute dread comes on. This feeling within me that there is no way out of this belief of myself, that I am what my mind is telling me to everyone else in this room, this disgusting, ugly person, stupid, no good, and that there is no reason to even communicate because I will not be accepted, I am really just not even worthy to speak to or at times even live really (this was in it's peak, will go into this more later in this series).
But within this logic within myself it is really distorted and warped, because obviously this is how I see myself, this is what I believe of myself, and so I can't even really see other people or who/how they think or see things because of the fear and turmoil going on within me. I can't see what is really here as others or myself because I am not here, I am not in reality but completely trapped in my mind, in an illusion of my own making, being fueled and threatened within myself of what feels like self annihilation as this feeling of dread grows and desperation as this feeling over comes me to it's submission until I am alone again and can find some peace. This cycle though created a deep depression within me because I obviously don't want to be alone, but this feeling of dread always results in me being alone because this is when I feel safe, when this feeling of dread goes away. So it's a catch 22, I can't be with others cause this feeling is unbearable, but I don't just want to be with myself because this is no fun. And for many years, I was very alone, hardly interacted with others, and was in a complete depression of sorrow and really it felt like hell, the hell of myself that I accepted and allowed my mind to direct me into and as. As I believed completely what my mind was saying to me about my own physical body and reality within my life, I never considered otherwise, that is until I found Desteni.
And this is what this feeling of dread makes me feel, absolutely alone and there is no one and nothing that can help me, that can save me from this feeling that drowns me within myself of what feels like the deepest pits of helplessness that I really can’t describe, its a really bad and a horrible feeling. I realize here that I am correct within this assessment that there is no one that will come and help me or save me from this feeling of dread and this illusion I have created for myself, until I stand up and help and save myself, within stopping accepting the mind in what it tells me about myself as the physical, and so accept who I am as myself here in my physical. Walking the path to stop these feelings from directing me into being able to walk here and accept all that is here to direct to outcomes of peace and harmony in what is best for all as the physical being that I am, that is what is really here, what is really real, the physical and me as the physical body.
Next – What is these memories and fears that is driving this feeling of dread that is now completely possess me in life and living. Thanks for reading.
For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help