Day 182 – Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Being Seen in a Bad Light Part 2.2

A memory I am holding onto is when I was asked by Bernard at the farm, ‘why I stopped doing the vlogging?’ and within this moment a fear came up within me of being seen by Bernard in a bad light, because this point was true, I had stopped the vlogging, and because I made a value judgment of myself and how I wanted to be seen by Bernard, as someone who was living my words, and never falls, I created this fear and then lived in this fear by not really having an answer to why I stopped. This fear popping up shows that I am in self interest rather then living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire within myself to be seen as special and excelling within who I am and what I do in my living in that moment when Bernard asked me why I stopped vlogging. I realize and see within this desire to be seen as special and excelling, I have created arelationship towards Bernard of defining how I am based on his words and actions towards me, showing that I am not trusting myself and not being self honest in my living.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am going into this desire of being seen as special and excellent within a group/towards a person in a point of attachment of how others are seeing me and how I desire them to see me, I breath and let go of all the thoughts as desires. I breath through the point of wanting to be seen in a specific way, and answer the question in self honesty immediately rather then skirting around it to try and look my best when the I am not at my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be within self interest in desiring to be seen within a specific way towards others rather then be self honest within myself and how I am in fact living, but want to be seen as someone I am not in fact living. I realize that within determining and defining myself within this relationship of how others see me, I thus understand I am accessing self interest thus creating self dishonesty through not living my words by being deceptive to be something I desire to be, but not in fact am.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of self interest within a desire to be seen in a specific way by a person/group, I stop and breath, and let go of this desire, not participating in the thoughts and stopping all the energy relationships I formed to this person/groups words and actions in determining who I am, also practicing trusting myself and defining myself within my own self honesty. This by letting go of desires and definitions by others to direct me, and push myself to walk and directing myself within my own self living in the trust and facts that is here, so my best in fact and so I am here and direct, not deceiving myself nor deceiving life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I go into this desire to be seen within a specific way, I immediately create the opposite polarity of fear of being seen in a bad light, and so I create a polarity playout within my world of points that I will desire and fear based on not living these points within equality and self honesty within myself, in accepting both as me as I walk, and creating a point of stability within self by accepting these points and correcting them in self honesty and that which is best for all. I realize that to let go of this point of fear I must let go of the point of desire by accepting each as me and correcting my living in self honesty and what is best for all.

I commit myself to walk the correction by accepting myself within and as each breath, stopping all judgmentof my past or how I am in this moment, and push myself to walk in self honesty in correcting my living and accepting all that is here as me. This can be practiced and lived out by facing my fears and realizing the self-understanding within each moment I breath and walk to become a more aware human living as I consider all that is here that I am living and that is in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go blank in my head when Bernard asked me this question of why I stopped vlogging, as a defense mechanism I have created, so I can hide from myself this fear and desire to be seen in a specific way as bad, as I fear this based on desiring the opposite of being seen as the best and getting attention for this. I realize that this is self interest and not necessary as I can be here within myself and have access to all life if I would accept the oneness of who I am, I can be here within all points ofawareness as life, and thus I stop this need for attention by realizing that I need nothing I am here.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of self interest in desiring attention from others and thus also creating the fear of losing this attention and seen in a bad way when I don’t fulfill a certain obligation, I stop and breath, and re-align myself to who I am in myself as life and correct the point within the understanding that it is ok and I am ok to fall or make a mistake, and that I need nothing and that I accept all that is here as me and realize that eventually I will be here, I walk my process in oneness and equality for what is best for all until it is done and I as all is here.

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Day 181 - Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Being Seen in a Bad Light - Part 2.1

For reference please check out the following blogs:

Day 179 – Introduction to My Anxiety – Part 1.1 - Fear of Being Exposed

Day 180 – Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Exposure Part 1.2

Here looking at another fear that has created anxiety within me and stress within my living due to allowing this fear to take over at times and direct my living into uncomfortable situations and uncomfortability within me. This fear is the fear of being seen in a bad light by others, and the basis of this fear is due to the desire to impress others and have them see me as 'good' or 'successful' as this is something I value in others seeing me in this way as I have defined myself by this value. The point that is missing within this is the common sense within what this fear ends up creating and the uneasiness within my living when this fear comes up and takes over. So if I am with a group of people, and I find I am desiring these people to like me and see me as good at whatever it is we are doing, I will immediately go into this point of fear based on now creating thisexpectation that I have to be good to be seen in this way by the others. So creating the point of failure, which is another fear that is created within this fear of being seen in a bad light from others, which creates more layers of separation just by accepting this initial fear of what others think of me.

If I stopped existing within this fear, then I would have more focus and drive for whatever it is that the group is doing, but due to accepting and allowing the preoccupation of what comes with this fear of having others see me in a bad light, I go into thoughts of what others are thinking of me as I move within the physical, do others think that I am doing a good job, am I contributing enough for others to see me as a resource, and then the reactions of embarrassment or anxiety if I don't live up to this expectation as my physical will respond with starting to speed up within what I am doing based on the anxiety building within me now of the fear and expectation's not being met, and all this causing me to be unstable and uncertain within myself around others as I never actually have any indication of what is going on within others minds, so it's left up to my own imagination, and this is what the mind do best, create images in the mind to separate ourselves from our own physical body into consequence that is best for the mind to access energy not what is best for me as the life being within.

So it's like a silent 'killer' so to speak as it's causing me to be less then my fullest potential and sucking the life force out of me while it soaks in the energy I am producing within these fear activations. What would be my fullest potential is to be completely here in and as my breath in directive will in full awareness of all dimensions of all the life in this existence, this being able to be accomplished through living in absolute equality and oneness with all life, this is actually our true state of being, but has been lost due to the addiction to the mind as energy and within this has created the instability within the polarities we live from as in which the mind feed from within, both as the positive and negative. The positive always activating the negative as the negative always activate the positive, as these two will always balance out in one's world as they need each other to exist, such as love and fear, to have love in your life there has to be fear to realize what that love is, but within this it causes separation because the feared part is resisted based on who we are within it, denying it within us and allowing it to direct us, when the fear is us, we are creating it thus is our responsibility to correct it into alignment with equality and oneness, the true state of what life is.

This is to be corrected through the tools of self forgiveness and self commitment statements so one can realize for oneself it's not to separate ourselves from what is here as life into polarities, as we are in essence both polarities, the accepting one and resisting the other is what create the instability, so I am walking the point of accepting the fear as me and through the acceptance realizing that the fear of being seen as bad is not in fact real because it's not in fact physical, it's in my mind, thus I am able to stop it through existing here in the physical, living from the physical and directing the physical in common sense. Stopping the thoughts as fears and living within what is here, that all in the group are equal as life and there is no competition within us, we are all able to contribute and cooperate, and thus find the common ground within us and create supportive ways to do whats best for all. Stopping the mind as separation and get to the physical as what is real, fear is the mind as it's not physical, thus it needs to be stopped within the dimensions of the minds layers and corrected through my living in the physical, to prove to myself that I am being for real, this always through the guidance of writing.

A memory I will look at is when I was at the farm, being in fear of others seeing me in a bad light when it was found out that I didn't continue my vlogging as I had committed and being in fear that I will lose respect and people will see me as not committed to what my words.


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Day 180 – Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Exposure Part 1.2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge something that I have done or have had happen to me as bad and thus create a suppression around it based on fear of others finding out. I realize that when I create a suppression around a point I have judged I will go into this fear based on believing that I will be seen as bad for doing such an act or having something happen to me, which cause no solution within the point, but only accumulates energy and is stored as memories for me to limit myself from in my physical body because they are not being dealt with.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a judgment of an act I do or something that has been done to me as bad, I stop and breath, and do not allow the thoughts to continue as I realize this will limit me in my living and I see this as unbeneficial to and so I commit myself to when and as I go into judgment stop the thoughts and do self forgiveness to correct the point, and not allow it to have power over me, but direct it within the moment to a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a memory within me of fear of exposure due to living this within the time I wet the bed, and holding onto this memory for some time within me, hiding it, based on this fear of not wanting others to know, and thus becoming manipulative so others will not find out and stunt my expression as I am being deceptive within this. I realize that within this fear and suppression I am not allowing myself to release the point and find out the origin of what it’s about and why it occurred, but instead creating more layers as the mind as memories as these thoughts of being exposed, and thus cause abuse to myself through suppressing and not releasing the point to be corrected.

I commit myself to when and as I find I am going into a suppression about a point I fear others finding out about, I stop and breath, and commit myself to write the point out in private, to find out the origin of the fear and suppression, and thus come to a solution so it doesn’t have power over me any longer, such as stopping the judgment which is not real and standing within stability of who I am and finding out the solution to the wetting or why it’s occurring to be corrected, and get it dealt with so I am free of it and have it stop having power over me because it is understood within myself instead of just suppressed and feared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being outcasted by others based on holding onto the belief that those who wet the bed are not normal, and thus create a judgment against those that wet the bed. I realize that holding onto this judgment is useless as it only hinders me, when I can get the point corrected, as obviously there is a point that is not working properly within me, and thus stopping this belief and getting the support I need to help my physical function properly.

I commit myself to when and as I go into beliefs about how people see things or think about things, I stop and breath, and find within the point through writing what is the common sense practical solution to what it is I am facing. Allowing for assistance and support when I realize something is not ok within my body, and stopping the beliefs when they arise from directing me. I commit to focus on fact and the physical and let go of beliefs and fears as these are illusions as they are of the mind, and are not supporting me to live to my fullest potential, so I commit to let go of the illusion as mind within thoughts, and focus and practice living from the physical until I am here.

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Day 179 – Introduction to My Anxiety – Part 1.1 - Fear of Being Exposed

Here looking at the fear’s within points where I become anxious within myself, I see fears that come up when I am anxious are:
-fear of being exposed
-fear of being seen in a bad light
-fear of not making it, whether time, deadline, process
-fear of being a failure
-fear of others seeing me as a failure
-fear of dying
-fear of being seen as an outcast
-fear of suffering physical

-fear of not getting what I want

So I will walk through each of these fears to investigate the specifics of how and why they have been created within myself, and where within my past they are originating from, to walk the self forgiveness and self corrective process to give myself the opportunity to stop the fear in my living and live from reality, here, as I me breathing and living equal with all life.

#1) Fear of Being Exposed

Here I see that I have a fear of being exposed due to seeing throughout my life that when something was exposed and someone was caught, they were riduculed, judged, and outcasted from the group they were in and labeled as such. So within myself all the hidden secrets that I judged as bad, I feared becoming exposed and caught because of this fear of being outcasted and labeled as a fuck up within my group or the environment I was in. So this fear of being exposed, is a fear of being out casted within my family at the most prominent level in my early life and the environment I was in, and being labeled as someone who is different or odd. So having this idea in my head that people who are out casted and are labeled as different are to be avoided and any point I find within myself that I judge in this way as 'bad' or 'abnormal' is to not be exposed at any cost. So great anxiety was built up within me because of this fear of being exposed for these 'bad' or 'abnormal' things that happened in my life, and thus then being outcasted and being seen as different, which created more anxiety and fear of not being treated the same as the others and so I would have less of a chance of getting my desires met.

So a memory that happened when I was younger within this fear of exposure was when once and a while I would wet my bed, and then would walk up in a panic because of it. I would go very quickly to find clean clothes and change my sheets, hoping my mom or anyone, would not find out that I did this. Within me I was afraid that if my mom would find out then my whole family would find out, and then it would get to my friends, and then my classmates, and then I would be seen as different and not treated as I would normally be treated as all the others kids are treated. So I built up an anxiety of being seen by my peers as a person less then who I wanted them to see me as, which was a normal kid where I had potential to impress them and become one of the better one's among them. 

For a lot of years, I went through this nightly ritual of fear of being exposed and having to face my mom of wetting the bed, I didn’t want any point of difference that would make me seem weak by others, so I didn’t give anyone the chance to find anything ‘bad’ out about me, if I could help it, making me become very good at deception and manipulating others to only let people know so much about me not exposing the truth what's going on within me because of fear of being weak among the group, and thus lessening my chance of a 'good' life. So survival was the foundation of this fear, causing allot of anxiety and build up of stress in myself over time, as it was just accumulating and accumulating in my thoughts, in my memories, in energies as emotions, and in fear of being seen as someone who is not normal creating the idea in my mind that I am will be seen as weak, and thus less likely to get what I want in life, which created and fueled this fear for many years throughout my childhood.

More to come in next blog…stay tuned and thanks for reading.

Day 178 - Not Getting a Laugh

Check out this blog for reference, Day 177 - The 'Why Me' Excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it as a personal attack when I make a joke and the people or person doesn't laugh or give me the reaction I expected to get. I realize that when and as I create an expectation in my mind of how I want to be received within saying something to another, I create a point of expectation that if I don't receive will create disappointment, and thus I then create a blame of the other for giving me this feeling of disappointment.

I commit myself to when and as I go into this point of expectation of how others should receive me and treat me within this desire to have a feeling of being liked, I stop and breath. I walk the correction by saying the joke within a point of enjoyment for all, and realize and allow people to make their own decisions about it. I stop all points of self interest for a specific desire to be liked as I accept and become stable with myself and how I am, not allowing myself to be determined by others reaction towards me.

In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the feeling of being liked and laugh at within others seeing me as funny and thus defining myself as valuable when I am seen as funny by others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a value judgment of how I am in separation to life here as all and thus create a separation within myself towards others as some are funny and some are not, and create a judgment of those who are funny as being more valuable then those who are not, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as funny as I have valued this as being better then not being funny. I realize that within and as creating value judgments in either a positive or negative polarity towards any point in life and thus allowing myself to be defined within this polarity play out, I am separating myself from fully living one and equal with others because I am creating a point of separating myself from others from the only value that matters which is life in equality and treating all as such, stopping the separation  Separating myself into more or less and creating a definition of this in my mind towards life instantly separates me from my full potential as life as I am not life, but have created a limited version from who I really am as life as one and equal with all as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of desire to be seen in a specific way, immediately stop my participation in thoughts, and investigate the thoughts patterns and characters I went into in writing, so to not allow myself to go into these thoughts patterns and characters from allowing to reoccur and direct me. I commit myself to stop and breath when these thoughts come up again, and let go of the desires to be seen in a specific way, by not going into the desires, not feeding them, and pushing myself to walk as equals with others, find ways and solutions to live in equality through focusing on the physical and living in ways that will support everyone.

Day 177 – Why Me? Excuse

Here looking at the point of self pity, where in I am focusing on this point that comes up a lot within a group of people, where I find the person that is to me the strongest, in either looks, personality, or ability, and compare them to me, because what I find I am constantly doing is competing. Is this drive for perfection, I want others to see me as perfect within who I am, I desire for others to approve of me and pay attention to me. I have since a child desired people’s attention, I remember when I was about 4 or 5 years old, my dad had a boat and there was a cabin below where we could sit and hang out, so me, probably some of my sisters and my cousins were down below, and I was telling them stories, funny ones, and they were all laughing at the stories I was coming up with. I very much enjoyed to make them laugh and feeling very good that I had all these peoples attention on me, seeing me and valuing me as a funny person. And this feeling of being the center of attention is what I liked best, having all the eyes on me, and making others laugh and having that ability to do that was really fascinating to me and I enjoyed the feelings I got.

It’s this desire for others to see me in this way of valuing me as something good, someone who is funny, that I seek, and so define myself by these moments in time, where I get a laugh from others and get there attention. And if I am denied or don’t get a laugh from others and don't get enough attention then I will become a demonic spiteful bitch to the person, really taking it personally, and seeing the other as a real bastard for not finding me funny. But, I do this passively usually, passive aggressive they call it, something I will write more on for sure. Also, a point of embarrassment will come over me completely, and with this feeling of embarrassment, my reaction goes into anger as I really dislike this feeling, and I will seek revenge based on blaming the other for this creating this feeling within me. Another dimension I will go into is into self pity, why me? I ask to the universe, why didn’t they laugh at my jokes, is it the way I look, do they just see me as beastly and not even want to be around me, why don’t they like me, and go on about how I am so unfortunate because I was made to feel bad and was rejected in the worst ways, where all these thoughts are screwing around in my mind. But who is the one creating all these emotions and feelings and thoughts not liked and denied, I mean, to not get a laugh is simply to not get a laugh, but because I react to the embarrassment feeling which causes me to freeze up and not be able to discuss the point to get some clarity for myself of why they didn’t find it funny, so take it compeletly out of context usually and go into competition with those 'dare' to reject me.

I mean, its these feelings, that I am allowing to direct me into this whole episode in my mind of storming emotions of anger and blame for something that isn’t even real anyways, I am not defined by someone not liking a joke or not even liking me, I feel like I have to please everyone I meet, and if I don’t then I am a failure, and so go into the whole pity party of why did I have to be created this way, why am I such a failure, who fucked me up, why can't life be easier for me, my can’t they just like me, and really irrational bizarre excuses and justifications and verbal mind and word vomit, for this desire to be liked by others and accepted because I am not doing this for myself. I am not liking myself, I don’t want to see the flaws within myself, and this denial is allowing my self interest to continue, because I need to face myself and realize what I am doing if I want this to stop and me to be stable, I have to change my self interest through a correction process of writing and self change in my living.


This I will walk in the next blogs with some self forgiveness and self correction writing. Merci.

Day 176 – The Demonic Within – Quick Analysis Entering a Room – First Time Scan - Part 1

I find that when I enter a room, I will quickly scan all the people in the room to find out where I fit in, who I will interact with, and where I will go. This is all done in apprehension and fear, I within walking into a new room feel vulnerable, as I don’t know where or if I will be accepted by those who are in the room and thus this feeling of being vulnerable to others acceptance of me, will activate this scan. So I will make a quick assessment of all the people in the room based on the way they look initially, it’s very quick and usually I am not even aware of it. Within my starting point I am immediately allowing inferiority to direct me as I walk into the room, this is my first thought, I am inferior to these people, so I gauge everyone based on their picture presentations, and decided who I will approach based on my assessment of who looks the less threatening based on who looks approachable and who I have defined as unapproachable. Those who are approachable are usually plain or normal looking people that have normal imperfections, and those who are unapproachable are those I see as ‘perfect’ within their look, I shy away from them as I immediately see myself as not able to compete with them, and thus go into a defense mechanism, as this survival instinct of competition activates when with those I see as superior to me.

Self Forgiveness on the Judgment of Pictures and the Quick Scan and Assessment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when entering a new room, I will instantly scan the room and compare all the pictures in the room to myself, basing the picture within a value to how I see myself in my mind as an idea, which is average but flawed, and thus will create a quick value judgment scan of all based on the feeling of security I feel within myself based on the assessment I had made of each one. Those I saw as the same as me in this picture value or being less then me, I will calculate that as I know that I have people in the room whom are little to no threat and I will be able to compete with them, which makes me feel calmer. I realize, see, and understand the limitedness of this assessment and calculation of who is and will be within a room and judging immediately whether or not they compare with the picture I perceive of myself, and if I feel threatened by them or not. I see that this is not the way life is suppose to be like as it makes me miserable and uneasy most of the time, and life is not a 1 dimensional picture I am seeing in my mind, there is a whole living being I am missing and limiting our expressions within based on seeing this point or unknown factor in fear, and so allowing myself to be driven by competition to survive because I preceive myself as weak.

I commit myself to when and as I find that I create a value judgment based on a quick scan in a room as I enter it and go to compartmentalize those within the room into boxes as more then me or less then me, I stop and breath. I, in that moment delete the picture of myself and the thought to go into this value judgment realizing the life that is equal within all that is in the room, and push myself to walk in and sit without any analysis, preferably don’t look at anyone directly to start practicing this, and just go into the room and sit down, pushing myself to not create a separation when moving into a new environment, but being equal and one with all that are there, so I can express myself rather then be in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create who I am based on my past in where I feared being seen as not perfect by others and when this was validated by being picked on at school, I defined myself by this memory of being made fun of due to what I looked like, and so created a fear of facing others who I saw as more then me within pictures because I feared the humiliation and embarrassment emotions of those memories. I realize and see that holding on to this memory is activating the feelings of fear and the memory of how I felt, so I let go of the connection to this memory as I realize I am not defined by how others say me or called me names, as I know who I am and what I stand for, and I am equal in value with all as life and the life that is within all.

I commit myself to when and as I go into this memory of fear of abuse and being humiliated, I stop and breath, and let go of these emotions through breath, I push myself to interact with the beings and face the fear within me, so I can see that I am still here even if I am made fun of as I realize I am not defined how others see me or perceive me, so thus I am freewithin my own self acceptance and thus I walk the acceptance of all others in my world equal and one to how I would like to be treated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge any being within a polarity of better/worse and thus create a security within this polarity and living within the inferior position within it, limiting and constricting my world, where I don’t find any point of true self enjoyment and expression with others as I am with because I am never actually here and really enjoying myself with others, but constantly in my head in the scan of all others in my world trying to see where I fit in, instead of living and being fit where I stand no matter where that is, cause I realize I am here.

I commit myself to when and as I go into these thoughts of judgment towards myself as inferior with others and thus scan the group to see where I fit in a polarity of more or less then me, I stop and breath. I commit to push myself to continue to breath, and speak the words in my head, ‘we are equal, we are physical’ and focus on the physical of us as equals, stopping the memories and thoughts of the past as abuse and the pictures of me as being as self judgment and push my interaction with others in humbleness, acceptance, and genuineness. I commit myself to not accept the comparison and value judgment of others before I even speak to them, and commit to get to know others regardless of there pictures, get to know them as human beings, who they are and where they come from as how I would want for myself.

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Day 175- The Denied Demonic Within - Mirror, Who am I?

I judged myself when looked in the mirror, and allowed that to direct me for most of the morning. 

This above post is from yesterday's blog, Day 173 - The Denied Demonic Within, please reference it if you like for more context to this blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my physical appearance when I look into the mirror and find the points within my face that I see and judge as ugly, always looking within each angle in the mirror to see if any point I find out of place or is looking unacceptable. I realize and understand that each time I accept and allow this point of self judgment of my physical look, I am programming myself more into my mind and reinstating that I am my defining myself by this picture image I have created in my mind, separating myself from my physical body and all it’s equal and one functions to keep me alive, and diminishing myself and abusing myself to become less of a version then I could be if I was here and stable.

I commit myself to when and as I desire to judge myself and start to go into the thought pattern of self judgment when looking in the mirror, I stop and breath, and speak, 'no I don’t accept this any longer, I am equal'. And I continue to do what I am doing in the bathroom, and move about my day, not accepting or allowing the thoughts to influence me by stopping them as they arise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ugly and thus create a polarity play out within me of beautiful, where I have created a value in my mind of what is pretty and what is ugly, separating myself from myself, to deny that which I don’t accept and judge as ugly/negative. I realize that I am separating myself from myself when I create value judgments about myself and deny that I am not this which I see as beautiful and am that I am that which I see as ugly. Within this I realize that I will never be stable as I am not directing myself in who I am as life, but being directed as my mind in ideas and beliefs of this picture of what I am not as beauty, when I realize that I am here, I am the physical, I am life, and there is no value judgment in this, no idea or belief that is real, because life is in the physical and the physical is all that is here, thus I am here as I am life, I am physical not beliefs and ideas they are made up in my mind so not real as there not physical.

I commit myself to when and as I go into value judgments about myself, stop and breath, and walk the correction of accepting that which I am denying of myself. Bringing it back to myself, and see what I am not wanting to accept and thus walk the process of accepting it and not being directed by the energy any longer as feeling bad based on a judgement I have created based on my mind idea. Pushing to walk the physical actions, such as washing my hands, so feel the water and my movements in washing them, focus on my living, and stop the thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed throughout the morning of feeling inferiority and self disgust based on believing this feeling is who I am. I realize and understand that feelings and emotions is not who I am, but energy generated in my mind based on my own activation through accepting thoughts that I am ugly and this makes me less then others, and I see and realize that this acceptance of thoughts is allowing the feelings and emotions to be created, and so I live it out because I am creating it within my own participation through my thoughts in my mind.

I commit myself to when and as I go into this point of thoughts of judgment and being directed by it into feelings of disgust of myself, I stop and breath. Stopping all the thoughts and feelings from directing me by not giving them any attention as I realize they are not real, they are not me, thru breathing through the energy and focusing on my living to be more efficient and disciplined in what it is I am physically actually doing.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

Day 174- The Denied Demonic Within - The "Pointless" Excuse

Today, I had to take a class for getting three speeding tickets within two years time, so this from the start was a class I resisted and was annoyed at based on the fact that I believed it to be boring and pointless.

This above post is from yesterday's blog, Day 173 - The Denied Demonic Within, please reference it if you like for more context to this blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the class that I was required to take as pointless due to my desire to not have to attend this class based on judging it as boring content and something I am not going to care about anyway. I realize that within this desire to not attend the class I am not considering the fact of why I am in the class in the first place as my irresponsibility to slow down when I drive and stop the rush of moving from place to place. This rush putting in harms way others as well as myself as I am more out of control within going fast then I would be at a slower speed.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am going into a desire to not do something based on a negative judgment I have placed on it as pointless, I stop and breath, and find the point where I am abdicating my responsibility throughwriting out and applying self forgiveness to see for myself the change needed to do what is best for all and take self responsibility to care for life and stop my self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the fact of this point of rushing around and being reckless within the way I am driving to blame on the class that I was required to take due to my irresponsibility within driving a car, seeing the class as the problem and judging it as useless, when I realize that I am in the class by my own volition, and I could make the best of it and learn something and gain connections with others. Seeing and understanding that this blame of the class is a red flag for myself to see that I am only being within self interest to get out of my responsibilities and the consequence I will face of my actions.

I commit myself to when and as I go into this point of blame and judgment of something, I stop and breath, and do not accept myself to go into the mind as these points of distractions as blame, bringing it back to myself as the truth of the matter, so I can change myself to realize the consequence of my actions, and stop the action of consequence before it occurs again, through considering what I am doing in as many ways as I can and consider all those I will be effecting to make a decision that will be best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge driving class as boring and dumb when I realize that within and as me, I can learn and grow in my understanding of rules of the road, and be reminded of the consequences that are out there that is not necessary to occur if I take responsibility for my actions and walk practically considering what I am doing and how I will effect others in my world, to thus walk the correction of slowing down and changing my schedule so I have more time to get to where I need to go.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am judging something as dumb and pointless, to stop and breath, and stop this judgment as this is separating myself from my own responsibility of consequence of why I am there in the first place. Stopping the desire for a certain outcome and making the most of what I am doing to grow and expand my understanding. Also, I commit myself to when and as I consider my day, I discipline myself to take the steps to organize my time schedule to have enough time to get to and from my work with enough time to get everything done and accounted for without putting anyone in harms way and giving myself the best and safest way to move about and direct myself to have the most optimum chance of being in control of what I am doing and do what best for all in my living.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

driving school, how to get out of class, speeding, ticket, police, fight a charge, face the music, facing consequence, this is pointless, desteni, eqafe, #teamlife #changetheworld, #journeytolife

Day 173 – The Denied Demonic Within

Demons in the Afterlife - Interview Series

Today, I had to take a class for getting three speeding tickets within two years time, so this from the start was a class I resisted and was annoyed at based on the fact that I believed it to be boring and pointless. I found when I got into the class this irritation and resistance carried with me, and I was going into this point of judgment with all the people there, seeing them as losers and judging them as less then. I saw that I go into this point of elitism when I am feeling bad about myself, I judged myself when looked in the mirror, and allowed that to direct me for most of the morning. So to compensate for this bad feeling that I am existing as,  I go and comparing myself to other people through quickly analyzing them based on their picture and how they act.  Coming to the conclusion after assessing the group I was with that these people were misfits and I did not belong in this class, I saw how I quickly scan the people and based on brands and overall look as well as if they irritate me or not, I will like them or not. Showing my brainwashing of brands and 5 second conclusions based on feelings and emotions reactions.

There are massive amounts of judgments I am still existing within and living from that are created within nanoseconds. In the quantum mind series on eqafe, I have learned about how we program ourselves within our physical body in quantum time through many layers of energy within the actual physical flesh through holding on to memories and allowing them to direct us. So as I observed myself go into to this demonic possession of judging and becoming superior within myself, I had to breath and speak and focus on stopping the thoughts, stopping the judgments as it’s automated now, it is happening automatically in the background as my backchat in my head.

While looking at this disgust of others and irritation that is in my backchat, I found that this was actually being derived and motivated by my own spite and fear that I am hiding and suppressing within myself, and really denying this to myself, the abuse and de-manned behavior I act and live out towards others that I realize is harmful and not ok, and is really unacceptable in all ways. But due to fear of being rejected by these people and being judged as well as being in spite that I feel this way about myself and can’t be free and comfortable as I perceive others are being, I allow the mind to take over and go into spirals of abuse towards others and myself.

This separation has created this demonic force within me, where I create this wall and do not allow anyone to come in or I accept the fear and possession of these thoughts, and will not communicate with others. In this state of separation and demonic possession, I go into this point of blame and disgust on how others are acting, how others are looking, and how others are talking, and just allowing emotions of irritation and frustration direct me into being abusive in thought and word sometimes towards others. This really reflecting what I am mirroring to myself, being disgusted and angry at myself for not moving and allowing this demonized behavior of abuse towards others become me. This has been my starting point for a long while, disgust at myself and at the world due to self interest and a laziness to really walk the change. I will walk more in blogs to come and the correction for myself to stop.

Demons are actually real and have a story to tell, hear the interview series here, where a demon from the afterlife speaks.