My Relationship With Others- I am a Failure – Day 421

Art By: Matti Freeman

So here I just listened to a few resonant interviews that were held through the desteni productions channel back in 2010 and 2011, please click the links to listen they were very helpful to me, but anyways, I got some great insight through them into my own process and my own mind. One of the contributing factors to my experience of myself with others is this already accepted and allowed belief of myself that I am a failure and that no one is going to want to be around me or be connected to me because I don’t have much to offer.

Now in physical reality I am not really aligned with my mind as I do have things to offer and I do have people around me that see that I can contribute to things, but all the while I am allowing and accepting back chat that I am the opposite, that other’s are not wanting to be around me, and that I am of no worth to others. There is this underlying experience and backchat that is going on that everyone sees me as this despicable person and there is no reason to for me to even approach them because I will be rejected, so I am fighting this within myself. This is very self abusive to myself and so also contributes to my outflows of abuse towards others in different outlets in my daily life, I see, realize, and understand I am participating and becoming possessed in the mind within beliefs that are not based or grounded in reality as I am not basing myself or grounding myself in reality, but too much allowing thoughts and emotions to direct me in my day to day living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be a failure before I even attempt to try or engage with people or in a event in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my mind when it says that I am not worthy to be with others and that others don’t want to be around me, and so create and manifest this in my reality by not being receptive or physically participating with others but secluding myself and closing the door of opportunity before it has even begun to open.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within myself I am inherently flawed and existing within a point of having something inherently wrong with me based on judging different parts of myself within reality that I have created an absolute about and believe that who I am in this state is who I am always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no worth in this world and no value within myself in who I am as a being because I judge myself based on the way I act and look and so see that I am not as good as others as I am still accepting and allowing comparison to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself inferior to others and so fear rejection from others as I have placed worth in others higher then my own self worth.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put my own self worth into the external world and so get emotional and fear the external not accepting me, when i don't accept myself and reject myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my external reality and so disempower who I am within myself as a living being in my physical body and so in my physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to exist within comparing my expression to others and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to create separation within my world in positive and negatives and create my world into a desire to win and so create the disappointment when it turns out to be the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still exist within beliefs that I have no skills and I am not smart and so believe that I will be of no use to anyone that is wanting to be with me or get me involved in a project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out the self victim state within myself where I see that I have too much on my plate and so believe that I am being put under too much pressure when in reality it is me holding onto these self pity of seeing myself as less then others and that I will fail at this anyway and disappoint everyone around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to disappoint others and will do this because I am not able to get things done and do things in a way that is efficient because I believe myself to be not capable and not smart enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not smart enough and not capable enough to move beyond my mind and my beliefs and work within physical reality, participating with reality, and moving myself as living in physical reality with others to walk what is here, and let go of the points that are not supporting me and move within what I am able to do in each breath.

When and as I see I am in a point of  belief and thinking of how I am a failure and judging myself within any way that is in polarity, I stop and breath, and look within myself to realize that I am able to live here and express myself, it only takes a breath and a movement, I realize I don’t have to continue to exist within this mind belief of less then, and can let it go and exist in a way that is by principles and self directed assuredness through building self trust and self integrity by living my words.

I commit myself to let go of and stop all back chat that is self defeating and also self praising.

I commit myself to move through these energy experiences of feeling low or desiring to get a high.

I commit myself to move myself in physical reality in these moments where I want to go into self defeat and push my fears to stop them.

I commit myself to walk this path until I am here and able to self honestly live my utmost potential and prove to myself that I am able to direct myself and have let go of the system thoughts that I am not capable and no one likes me.

I realize that it’s not about the other or the external reality, but who I am within myself, so I commit myself to build myself within my living word and stop my mind from directing me into self compromise as I direct myself as the mind into and as self correction in alignment with what is best for all.

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Related articles

• Day 238: Future Hope Displacement
• Day 113: Disappointed At Myself Means Disappointed At My World
• Hiding - Part 1
• Forgiving Myself...
• Day 100: Stop The Fear

Is Self Pity Ever Relevant? - Day 388

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Featured Artist: Andrew Gable 

Please reference for context to this blog:

The Starting Point of My Day Will Be the Starting Point of My Way – Day 387

Self pity creates a point of compromise and abdication of responsibility in one's world based on the belief that self is a victim to one's reality, but where the real power lies is taking responsibility for yourself in your world and so giving yourself the point of power by understanding what is real and so changing it in an actual way as you live with and as it to be better for all. A point of relevance as it's not really a point one want to continue in without self responsibility and self direction, is a point of using it as a gift to see where one is falling in one's reality to emotions and thoughts of victimization, and using this experience of self pity as a cross-reference to see when one is allowing this in one's world. It's quite helpful to stop the automated nature of the mind as it exists in these energy addictions that we can exist in, so self pity can be a gift to support to move oneself to self awareness and then eventually to self change. Here I walk some self forgiveness and self commitments to correct this relationship to self pity with and as myself and so my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that others are causing me harm in my world and I am a victim to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take out my anger and frustration against myself for not standing up within myself and treating others as  I would like to be treated, but instead continue to live in the abuse through the emotions I allow to direct me towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow in my own self pity and become hopeless within myself and so within this fear blame others for what I see is out of my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted the external reality of my self to effect me within a negative connotation as hopeless instead of realizing I can direct it the best I can and then allow it to be as I can only do my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow within a belief that I am out of control within my reality and I feel like I am going to lose the stability that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another being of the way I am experiencing myself within a point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to direct me into a self pity and blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed energy emotions as pity and anger to direct me instead of breathing and remaining physical as a support to find solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in conflict with others rather then help and see where I can support them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of loss onto others that I see are ‘weak’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to judge another as weak within a comparison of who I am in my physical environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to create a polarity cycle of my reality at work where I try and win and others lose, creating both and accepting both to exist when I realize I can stop this polarity and support solutions that will support all in common sense.

When and as I see I go into a fear and self pity and so blame others in a projection to not face myself, I stop and breath, and realize that this will only compromise the way in which I will walk and direct my physical reality and create my reality in a beneficial way where I am stable and so create the point of stability the best I am able to with others.

I commit to let go of emotions of anger and self pity towards the world I live in.

I commit to stop blaming others.

I commit to move myself when I see I am going into comparison, and find a point where I can support the other as I would myself.

I commit to walk equal with my environment and move through desires to create a polarity of winning and losing.

Eqafe Interviews Recommend for Topic Support:

Self Pity: Understanding Self Pity - Atlanteans - Part 142
Self Pity: Starting to Let Go - Atlanteans - Part 143
Self Pity: Nature & Self Forgiveness - Atlanteans - Part 144
Self Pity: The Gift - Atlanteans - Part 145

Join Us:
Desteni I Process Lite - Free Course to Start your Journey to Life
Journey to Life Group - On Facebook
Desteni Wiki - For All Things Desteni Related
Desteni Forum - Share your Self with Other Destonians
Destonian Social Network
Eqafe - Self Perfection Support
Equal Life Foundation - Site
Living Income Guaranteed Proposal - Site

Day 178 - Not Getting a Laugh

Check out this blog for reference, Day 177 - The 'Why Me' Excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it as a personal attack when I make a joke and the people or person doesn't laugh or give me the reaction I expected to get. I realize that when and as I create an expectation in my mind of how I want to be received within saying something to another, I create a point of expectation that if I don't receive will create disappointment, and thus I then create a blame of the other for giving me this feeling of disappointment.

I commit myself to when and as I go into this point of expectation of how others should receive me and treat me within this desire to have a feeling of being liked, I stop and breath. I walk the correction by saying the joke within a point of enjoyment for all, and realize and allow people to make their own decisions about it. I stop all points of self interest for a specific desire to be liked as I accept and become stable with myself and how I am, not allowing myself to be determined by others reaction towards me.

In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the feeling of being liked and laugh at within others seeing me as funny and thus defining myself as valuable when I am seen as funny by others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a value judgment of how I am in separation to life here as all and thus create a separation within myself towards others as some are funny and some are not, and create a judgment of those who are funny as being more valuable then those who are not, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as funny as I have valued this as being better then not being funny. I realize that within and as creating value judgments in either a positive or negative polarity towards any point in life and thus allowing myself to be defined within this polarity play out, I am separating myself from fully living one and equal with others because I am creating a point of separating myself from others from the only value that matters which is life in equality and treating all as such, stopping the separation  Separating myself into more or less and creating a definition of this in my mind towards life instantly separates me from my full potential as life as I am not life, but have created a limited version from who I really am as life as one and equal with all as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of desire to be seen in a specific way, immediately stop my participation in thoughts, and investigate the thoughts patterns and characters I went into in writing, so to not allow myself to go into these thoughts patterns and characters from allowing to reoccur and direct me. I commit myself to stop and breath when these thoughts come up again, and let go of the desires to be seen in a specific way, by not going into the desires, not feeding them, and pushing myself to walk as equals with others, find ways and solutions to live in equality through focusing on the physical and living in ways that will support everyone.

Day 177 – Why Me? Excuse

Here looking at the point of self pity, where in I am focusing on this point that comes up a lot within a group of people, where I find the person that is to me the strongest, in either looks, personality, or ability, and compare them to me, because what I find I am constantly doing is competing. Is this drive for perfection, I want others to see me as perfect within who I am, I desire for others to approve of me and pay attention to me. I have since a child desired people’s attention, I remember when I was about 4 or 5 years old, my dad had a boat and there was a cabin below where we could sit and hang out, so me, probably some of my sisters and my cousins were down below, and I was telling them stories, funny ones, and they were all laughing at the stories I was coming up with. I very much enjoyed to make them laugh and feeling very good that I had all these peoples attention on me, seeing me and valuing me as a funny person. And this feeling of being the center of attention is what I liked best, having all the eyes on me, and making others laugh and having that ability to do that was really fascinating to me and I enjoyed the feelings I got.

It’s this desire for others to see me in this way of valuing me as something good, someone who is funny, that I seek, and so define myself by these moments in time, where I get a laugh from others and get there attention. And if I am denied or don’t get a laugh from others and don't get enough attention then I will become a demonic spiteful bitch to the person, really taking it personally, and seeing the other as a real bastard for not finding me funny. But, I do this passively usually, passive aggressive they call it, something I will write more on for sure. Also, a point of embarrassment will come over me completely, and with this feeling of embarrassment, my reaction goes into anger as I really dislike this feeling, and I will seek revenge based on blaming the other for this creating this feeling within me. Another dimension I will go into is into self pity, why me? I ask to the universe, why didn’t they laugh at my jokes, is it the way I look, do they just see me as beastly and not even want to be around me, why don’t they like me, and go on about how I am so unfortunate because I was made to feel bad and was rejected in the worst ways, where all these thoughts are screwing around in my mind. But who is the one creating all these emotions and feelings and thoughts not liked and denied, I mean, to not get a laugh is simply to not get a laugh, but because I react to the embarrassment feeling which causes me to freeze up and not be able to discuss the point to get some clarity for myself of why they didn’t find it funny, so take it compeletly out of context usually and go into competition with those 'dare' to reject me.

I mean, its these feelings, that I am allowing to direct me into this whole episode in my mind of storming emotions of anger and blame for something that isn’t even real anyways, I am not defined by someone not liking a joke or not even liking me, I feel like I have to please everyone I meet, and if I don’t then I am a failure, and so go into the whole pity party of why did I have to be created this way, why am I such a failure, who fucked me up, why can't life be easier for me, my can’t they just like me, and really irrational bizarre excuses and justifications and verbal mind and word vomit, for this desire to be liked by others and accepted because I am not doing this for myself. I am not liking myself, I don’t want to see the flaws within myself, and this denial is allowing my self interest to continue, because I need to face myself and realize what I am doing if I want this to stop and me to be stable, I have to change my self interest through a correction process of writing and self change in my living.


This I will walk in the next blogs with some self forgiveness and self correction writing. Merci.

Day 103 - Fear of the End as Emptiness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear things coming to an end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child fear the end of games and fun because of the emptiness that came with that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the emptiness that is felt when I did not have anything fun to do as a kid and thus always seeked to be entertained and doing something fun to avoid this feeling of emptiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus give energy and life to the feelings of fear as emptiness and the end of things in which I would change my behavior to live into always sucking the most I can get out of others and events to thus not have to be empty and thus not have to be alone essentially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire things not to end and thus create the fear of the end through this emptiness I felt when I was by myself as within myself I was not alright and didn’t understand/was able to communicate why I was feeling this emptiness inside, but I see and realize that this was due to suppression of myself and defining myself as who I am as this suppression/not able to communicate/be free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the feeling of emptiness and thus feared this emptiness feeling along with fearing the end of things based on not knowing myself, not investigatingmyself, and not understanding who I am within myself, thus becoming a being who is miserable within, and thus I took that misery out onto others and thus caused abuse in many ways physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately take my anger out on others based on not understanding myself and what I was experiencing and thus the suppression of who I am and based on fear never going to others for help or to communicate what I was feeling because I feared the reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself due to my own fear of not wanting to communicate and suppressing myself, take my anger out onto others and thus create much abuse in the physical and mental to bring down others as to the feelings of what I was allowing as misery.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to abuse deliberately others as blame for the feelings and fear I was experiencing based on me suppressing and not communicate to allow others in to help me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate this fear into my living where I would fear having to face myself in the aloneness of myself when I was by myself and all the entertainment had gone, so thus always in a trap within myself because I allowed fear to suppress me and thus never moved myself to find out who I really am and what in fact was going on within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this fear to take over me and thus live into this suppressive way and allow all parts of my life to be in fear and thus suppression and so I would based on all this suppression accumulate anger within me and take it out on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take anger out on others based on me accepting and allowing suppression to exist and be here as me.

I commit myself to walk the point of acceptance of what is here and thus realize the flow and moment of life as points come and go as they are relevant and thus live instead of an expectation but simply as breath and direct self into what needs to be directed in making and sustaining a practical environment for all.

I commit myself to stop the fear of the end and thus stop this point of emptiness experiencing through walking the process of self acceptance in getting to know who I am within all points of my mind physical relationship and walking the correction so what is here is me and I just express as the physical.

I commit myself to stop the anger and blame towards others and also stop the abuse based on not accepting myself and thus sort myself out and stop all points of reactions.

I commit myself to walk this process in understanding who I am within myself in my mind and how I have created myself through writing, self forgiveness, and self correction in writing and living, and thus become comfortable with myself because I know and understand who I am and thus can then not fear these points that are not necessary.

I commit to walk through my fears and face them, and stop the point of entertainment to hide and escape facing myself and who I am as fear.

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