“What If I was More” – Day 329

I have been looking at self acceptance for a while now, and have not had a satisfactory point within myself of seeing myself in this way. So I have been observing myself throughout the day to see where it is that I am not allowing myself to just live, be and accept who I am in each moment. The biggest point I am seeing is the point of accepting my physical appearance, seeing it within a point of judgment, and seeing this backchat thought of ‘what if I was looking like this, how my world would open up more.” “If only I had that feature or that look then I would really be able to do what I want”, and so this continues throughout the day, this accumulation of anger and disappointment because I want to look better then what I see in the mirror. I have always had this point within me through the desire to this belief system, that ‘if I was looking this way, then I would be so much more happy and appreciated, and loved”, and so it’s a constant point of self sabotage I am engaging within based on this very physical point that I can not change anything about my physical body in terms of it’s appearance. It is what it is and I have to accept it as such.

So this point that I am missing out on life due to the way I look and act within society is purely based on my own acceptances and allowances of judging myself and others and continuously comparing myself to my world around me, thus not applying myself in the physical in changing and stopping this pattern once and for all. Because obviously, I can not change my physical and I see how really selfish and self centered I am being due to fear of loss, but it is a point that I can change and correct within the relationship to myself so I can start to nurture and care for myself as a living being, the physical being who is here within this world and body and make something of myself then just a point of self sabotage and lost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of belief that I am missing out on life due to not being the best looking female that I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less then other females who I compare to myself as more feminine and womanly, and thus see me as not womanly and feminine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself less womanly then other women when I realize that I am not defined nor is anyone else defined due to their gender and that where integrity is born from is who we are within the way we live and treat others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as unworthy as a women compared to other women I see, and believe because I am not the top of the notch women look that I am thus less then others because I don’t have the same style as other females do and can’t pull off the looks other females can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and limit myself to styles and looks of what the picture presentation and expression of other women are conveying and comparing myself to that as seeing myself less then them, and then suppress my own expression due to a belief that I am just not stylish and beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a desire to be beautiful and stylish based on my desire to only define people based on what they look like and how they move instead of seeing people as different expressions that are unique unto themselves and not compare and judge, but live equal to it all because this is how I would like to be treated as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to exist in comparison and judgment towards my world instead of pushing my application of breathing here and remaining stable in letting go of these desires and walking the path of realizing and living equal with all beings I meet.

When and as I see I go into a point of desiring to be more then who I am here within my flesh, I stop and breath, and speak ‘no I am here, I accept me as who I am in this moment’ and breath through all the physical reactions of anxiety and tightness within the stomach, and move through the reaction with breathing until it is subsided and thus focus on what is being said/physical interaction rather then the picture.

I commit myself to walk this statement of when the desire comes up to compare or go into self sabotage, breath, and speak I accept me for who I am.

I commit to breath through the reactions of anxiety and fear of loss through continuing to state the who I am statement no matter what points come up within me to go into reaction.

I commit to embrace the other within who they are and walk the point of acceptance of myself in equality to the other through seeing that we are both life in the physical and focus on the physical and letting go of the attachment within my mind.

I commit to practice communicating with others and moving through these triggers of backchat thoughts through breath awareness and stopping all points of judgment of myself or others through practicing seeing direct, what is here, in the physical and as the physical.

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Day 217- Feeling of Dread Series – Accepting Limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become limited within myself and who I will be within my life due to believing this feeling of dread and uncomfortability within myself around others means that I am not as worthy and that I am not as acceptable as those I see that are creating this point of uncomfortablitiy within me. I realize that within this point of uncomfortability around others and believing that this feeling is who I am, I can take responsibility and stop limiting myself to become inferior and not able to express myself when I see this feeling come up of dread by seeing this as something that I am creating myself because i am allowing these beliefs to define who I am.

I commit myself to when and as this feeling comes up, I stop and breath, and thus do not accept myself to go into the thoughts of inferiority and belief that I am inferior to others, and focus on who I am as a physical being and thus focus on everyone and everything else who are equal in this regard, that we are all physical and thus we are all equal. I commit to stop these thoughts from directing me and limiting me in who I can be as a physical being perfecting my living in reality in the life that we all are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself at times to believe myself to be more then others and base myself based on the mind in thoughts saying I am more prettier then them and I have better clothes or I am smarter then, so I am more valued, and thus within me create this polarity separation with everyone in my world/reality based on allowing these thoughts and beliefs direct me into believing I am superior when in reality I am not, I realize we are equal, all life is equal.

I commit myself to walk the correction in seeing all life in equality and stopping my mind as these thoughts of superiority within what I have or what I look like direct me into seeing myself better then another, by not allowing myself to entertain such thoughts and breathing through them until I no longer have any reactions within these thoughts of superiority towards others as well as inferiority.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of judgment towards another and thus go into a comparison, I can red flag this and thus I can use this point to stop myself before it goes into consequence. I use my breath to stop the outflow of consequence within going into judgment and comparison  and walk the equality in the physical to a system that will be best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make material possessions have more value then the value of life equal within all, and thus accept and allow myself to cause abuse towards another in treating them less then me and making them feel like they are less then me because I feel more powerful this way. I realize that this is not real power but abuse and manipulation of my own gifts I have and thus this desire to have more I must stop as this is perpetuating this desire to be more to get more and thus live and accept separation as polarity within me.

I commit myself to when and as I go into seeing my things as having more value then life where in I will think I am more then others for having this possession, I stop and breath, and do not allow myself to define myself by what i have and thus only define who I am by how I live and treat others.  

I commit myself to walk the path of self perfection within my living in the laws of my beingness as life as the physical in what is real in treating every living being equally to myself and living this in my physical reality as an expression of who I am and the gift I understand is here as life in all and the opportunity we have here to live this for real and create a world that truly is heaven on earth.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

Day 216 – Feeling of Absolute Dread Series – Being Weaker then a Feeling?

“This feeling comes up and its very strong, a forceful energy that makes me feel not able to match it’s intensity, weak really within myself, and it is followed by thoughts and pictures of myself as being very unattractive. “

For reference on quote above, please see:

Day 215 – Exploring Self Acceptance – The Feeling of Absolute Dread Series –Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a feeling which within me I realize is not real as it is not of life, but it is generated from the mind system through the conflict relationship from substance to the system in our bodies that we accept and allow (see more on what the Mind is here on the Desteni Wiki) and that within this realization, I can start to walk the process of stopping taking this feeling personally and seeing it as more then me. I realize and understand within the relationship of energy and feelings, that they are being created based on my participation in the mind and in these beliefs that I am not able to stand equal to these feelings, which are not real as these are not physical their made in the mind which is illusion, not real.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of taking this feeling of dread personally and believing that I cant stand equal to it and stop my participation within it, I stop and breath, and speak ‘garb, I am not defined by this feeling, I am creating it thus I can stop it.’ And I physically stop my participation in the thoughts or beliefs that say I can’t, and push my physical to walk through the resistance and continue to participate and do what I am doing without allowing the thoughts to influence me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a feeling have power over me where in I submit to it in the living out of seeing myself inferior within who I am based on believing what the mind is telling me, that I am ugly, unlikable, and fucked up. I realize that the energizing of these thoughts and thus the continuation of this line of thought stream of self sabotage is because I am participating and believing these thoughts to be who I am. I realize though within this that this is not who I am, I am not what the mind is saying as the mind is working and living within a system of separation, needing us as the life being suppressed for it to exist, with me as life in oneness and equality the mind ends, and thus this struggle within myself is due to my own participation, my own actions, my own beliefs, and thus my own creation as I believe I am my mind, but I realize I am not only my mind but life here, and thus I commit to walk myself back to life here in the physical in what is really real.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of belief and thus self sabotage in believing the mind in what thoughts are coming up within me, I stop and breath, and move myself to a point of self stability, go get air and do not allow myself to follow the thought stream. I commit myself to stop artipcating in beliefs that I am what my mind is telling me, and thus see myself within my actual living. Meaning I walk in awareness of each breath, each step, practicing slowing down in my breath, and living within each moment in what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what the mind is telling me about myself is real, that I am ugly and unlikeable and fucked up, I realize that within this belief of myself I hold my self in a point of limitation because I don’t realize my potential of what I could be based on going into a depression based on seeing myself in such a self sabotaged way. I realize and understand that the mind is not real in the sense of what is coming up within it and thus I need to walk the practical steps of stopping these beliefs each and every time, investigate them through writing if they continue, and walk the correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my mind and the thoughts that come up personally, and thus go into a reaction of inferiority and depression based on seeing myself as this person who is not good enough. I realize that within these reactions of taking what my mind personally, I am making my mind more powerful then me, and thus allowing it to control me. I realize that I have directive principle and can walk the correction of stopping the reactions, and realign to corrective living in using what is here as my mind as a point of understanding where I am at within my process, and what is necessary to walk to correct that which is not aligned with what is best for all.

I commit myself to push myself to stop the beliefs that are coming within me as that I am ugly and unlikable, and start walking self acceptance, accepting who I am in each moment, and thus I commit to push myself to stop looking from acceptance from others as I realize I am not defined by others, but I direct and thus define myself.

I commit myself to stop taking the mind personal, seeing it for what it is as a tool to walk my process to equality and oneness with life, and use breath to realign myself to what is real in the physical and push myself to become aware of who I am as the physical, stopping each time I see I am going into reaction, and use breath and my will to walk back to life here in Reality.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

Day 215 – Exploring Self Acceptance – The Feeling of Absolute Dread Series –Part 1

Here looking at a feeling that I have recently became aware meaning I have looked at it in awareness without fear or submission, which is actually a pretty cool breakthrough for me because for many, many years I have allowed this feeling to overpower me and take control of my whole physical and mental faculties. This feeling is the feeling of absolute dread.

This feeling comes up and its very strong, a forceful energy that makes me feel not able to match it’s intensity, weak really within myself, and it is followed by thoughts and pictures of myself as being very unattractive. I get this feeling especially when I am in groups of people my own age, and I will be fine for quite a while, but during the event or evening, I can expect this feeling to come on. It is usually activated by an external force such as if I go in the mirror and judge myself as ugly or by someone else doing something that I interpret as a point of rejection towards me.

Here, I will first look at the mirror activation, this is a point were if I look and am not satisfied with my picture within the first glance, I will go into self judgment and thus self suppression. This thought stream will accentuate and accumulate to where I am in complete suppression and can hardly communicate with others based on these beliefs that they will think I am beyond degusting looking and they would never want to speak or look at me because of how gross I look, so I will live into this and not communicate and interact with others in comfortability, but be completely in fear of rejection/vulnerability.

Then I will go into this whole uncomfortable state within myself in and around these groups of people because of this thought activation that was created within the moment I judged myself in the mirror as ugly and not good enough, and then the feeling of absolute dread comes on. This feeling within me that there is no way out of this belief of myself, that I am what my mind is telling me to everyone else in this room, this disgusting, ugly person, stupid, no good, and that there is no reason to even communicate because I will not be accepted, I am really just not even worthy to speak to or at times even live really (this was in it's peak, will go into this more later in this series).

But within this logic within myself it is really distorted and warped, because obviously this is how I see myself, this is what I believe of myself, and so I can't even really see other people or who/how they think or see things because of the fear and turmoil going on within me. I can't see what is really here as others or myself because I am not here, I am not in reality but completely trapped in my mind, in an illusion of my own making, being fueled and threatened within myself of what feels like self annihilation as this feeling of dread grows and desperation as this feeling over comes me to it's submission until I am alone again and can find some peace. This cycle though created a deep depression within me because I obviously don't want to be alone, but this feeling of dread always results in me being alone because this is when I feel safe, when this feeling of dread goes away. So it's a catch 22, I can't be with others cause this feeling is unbearable, but I don't just want to be with myself because this is no fun. And for many years, I was very alone, hardly interacted with others, and was in a complete depression of sorrow and really it felt like hell, the hell of myself that I accepted and allowed my mind to direct me into and as. As I believed completely what my mind was saying to me about my own physical body and reality within my life, I never considered otherwise, that is until I found Desteni.

And this is what this feeling of dread makes me feel, absolutely alone and there is no one and nothing that can help me, that can save me from this feeling that drowns me within myself of what feels like the deepest pits of helplessness that I really can’t describe, its a really bad and a horrible feeling. I realize here that I am correct within this assessment that there is no one that will come and help me or save me from this feeling of dread and this illusion I have created for myself, until I stand up and help and save myself, within stopping accepting the mind in what it tells me about myself as the physical, and so accept who I am as myself here in my physical. Walking the path to stop these feelings from directing me into being able to walk here and accept all that is here to direct to outcomes of peace and harmony in what is best for all as the physical being that I am, that is what is really here, what is really real, the physical and me as the physical body.

Next – What is these memories and fears that is driving this feeling of dread that is now completely possess me in life and living. Thanks for reading.


For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Free Desteni I Process Lite Course for All Ages
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

Day 173 – The Denied Demonic Within

Demons in the Afterlife - Interview Series

Today, I had to take a class for getting three speeding tickets within two years time, so this from the start was a class I resisted and was annoyed at based on the fact that I believed it to be boring and pointless. I found when I got into the class this irritation and resistance carried with me, and I was going into this point of judgment with all the people there, seeing them as losers and judging them as less then. I saw that I go into this point of elitism when I am feeling bad about myself, I judged myself when looked in the mirror, and allowed that to direct me for most of the morning. So to compensate for this bad feeling that I am existing as,  I go and comparing myself to other people through quickly analyzing them based on their picture and how they act.  Coming to the conclusion after assessing the group I was with that these people were misfits and I did not belong in this class, I saw how I quickly scan the people and based on brands and overall look as well as if they irritate me or not, I will like them or not. Showing my brainwashing of brands and 5 second conclusions based on feelings and emotions reactions.

There are massive amounts of judgments I am still existing within and living from that are created within nanoseconds. In the quantum mind series on eqafe, I have learned about how we program ourselves within our physical body in quantum time through many layers of energy within the actual physical flesh through holding on to memories and allowing them to direct us. So as I observed myself go into to this demonic possession of judging and becoming superior within myself, I had to breath and speak and focus on stopping the thoughts, stopping the judgments as it’s automated now, it is happening automatically in the background as my backchat in my head.

While looking at this disgust of others and irritation that is in my backchat, I found that this was actually being derived and motivated by my own spite and fear that I am hiding and suppressing within myself, and really denying this to myself, the abuse and de-manned behavior I act and live out towards others that I realize is harmful and not ok, and is really unacceptable in all ways. But due to fear of being rejected by these people and being judged as well as being in spite that I feel this way about myself and can’t be free and comfortable as I perceive others are being, I allow the mind to take over and go into spirals of abuse towards others and myself.

This separation has created this demonic force within me, where I create this wall and do not allow anyone to come in or I accept the fear and possession of these thoughts, and will not communicate with others. In this state of separation and demonic possession, I go into this point of blame and disgust on how others are acting, how others are looking, and how others are talking, and just allowing emotions of irritation and frustration direct me into being abusive in thought and word sometimes towards others. This really reflecting what I am mirroring to myself, being disgusted and angry at myself for not moving and allowing this demonized behavior of abuse towards others become me. This has been my starting point for a long while, disgust at myself and at the world due to self interest and a laziness to really walk the change. I will walk more in blogs to come and the correction for myself to stop.

Demons are actually real and have a story to tell, hear the interview series here, where a demon from the afterlife speaks.