Day 178 - Not Getting a Laugh

Check out this blog for reference, Day 177 - The 'Why Me' Excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it as a personal attack when I make a joke and the people or person doesn't laugh or give me the reaction I expected to get. I realize that when and as I create an expectation in my mind of how I want to be received within saying something to another, I create a point of expectation that if I don't receive will create disappointment, and thus I then create a blame of the other for giving me this feeling of disappointment.

I commit myself to when and as I go into this point of expectation of how others should receive me and treat me within this desire to have a feeling of being liked, I stop and breath. I walk the correction by saying the joke within a point of enjoyment for all, and realize and allow people to make their own decisions about it. I stop all points of self interest for a specific desire to be liked as I accept and become stable with myself and how I am, not allowing myself to be determined by others reaction towards me.

In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the feeling of being liked and laugh at within others seeing me as funny and thus defining myself as valuable when I am seen as funny by others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a value judgment of how I am in separation to life here as all and thus create a separation within myself towards others as some are funny and some are not, and create a judgment of those who are funny as being more valuable then those who are not, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as funny as I have valued this as being better then not being funny. I realize that within and as creating value judgments in either a positive or negative polarity towards any point in life and thus allowing myself to be defined within this polarity play out, I am separating myself from fully living one and equal with others because I am creating a point of separating myself from others from the only value that matters which is life in equality and treating all as such, stopping the separation  Separating myself into more or less and creating a definition of this in my mind towards life instantly separates me from my full potential as life as I am not life, but have created a limited version from who I really am as life as one and equal with all as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of desire to be seen in a specific way, immediately stop my participation in thoughts, and investigate the thoughts patterns and characters I went into in writing, so to not allow myself to go into these thoughts patterns and characters from allowing to reoccur and direct me. I commit myself to stop and breath when these thoughts come up again, and let go of the desires to be seen in a specific way, by not going into the desires, not feeding them, and pushing myself to walk as equals with others, find ways and solutions to live in equality through focusing on the physical and living in ways that will support everyone.

Day 177 – Why Me? Excuse

Here looking at the point of self pity, where in I am focusing on this point that comes up a lot within a group of people, where I find the person that is to me the strongest, in either looks, personality, or ability, and compare them to me, because what I find I am constantly doing is competing. Is this drive for perfection, I want others to see me as perfect within who I am, I desire for others to approve of me and pay attention to me. I have since a child desired people’s attention, I remember when I was about 4 or 5 years old, my dad had a boat and there was a cabin below where we could sit and hang out, so me, probably some of my sisters and my cousins were down below, and I was telling them stories, funny ones, and they were all laughing at the stories I was coming up with. I very much enjoyed to make them laugh and feeling very good that I had all these peoples attention on me, seeing me and valuing me as a funny person. And this feeling of being the center of attention is what I liked best, having all the eyes on me, and making others laugh and having that ability to do that was really fascinating to me and I enjoyed the feelings I got.

It’s this desire for others to see me in this way of valuing me as something good, someone who is funny, that I seek, and so define myself by these moments in time, where I get a laugh from others and get there attention. And if I am denied or don’t get a laugh from others and don't get enough attention then I will become a demonic spiteful bitch to the person, really taking it personally, and seeing the other as a real bastard for not finding me funny. But, I do this passively usually, passive aggressive they call it, something I will write more on for sure. Also, a point of embarrassment will come over me completely, and with this feeling of embarrassment, my reaction goes into anger as I really dislike this feeling, and I will seek revenge based on blaming the other for this creating this feeling within me. Another dimension I will go into is into self pity, why me? I ask to the universe, why didn’t they laugh at my jokes, is it the way I look, do they just see me as beastly and not even want to be around me, why don’t they like me, and go on about how I am so unfortunate because I was made to feel bad and was rejected in the worst ways, where all these thoughts are screwing around in my mind. But who is the one creating all these emotions and feelings and thoughts not liked and denied, I mean, to not get a laugh is simply to not get a laugh, but because I react to the embarrassment feeling which causes me to freeze up and not be able to discuss the point to get some clarity for myself of why they didn’t find it funny, so take it compeletly out of context usually and go into competition with those 'dare' to reject me.

I mean, its these feelings, that I am allowing to direct me into this whole episode in my mind of storming emotions of anger and blame for something that isn’t even real anyways, I am not defined by someone not liking a joke or not even liking me, I feel like I have to please everyone I meet, and if I don’t then I am a failure, and so go into the whole pity party of why did I have to be created this way, why am I such a failure, who fucked me up, why can't life be easier for me, my can’t they just like me, and really irrational bizarre excuses and justifications and verbal mind and word vomit, for this desire to be liked by others and accepted because I am not doing this for myself. I am not liking myself, I don’t want to see the flaws within myself, and this denial is allowing my self interest to continue, because I need to face myself and realize what I am doing if I want this to stop and me to be stable, I have to change my self interest through a correction process of writing and self change in my living.


This I will walk in the next blogs with some self forgiveness and self correction writing. Merci.

Day 176 – The Demonic Within – Quick Analysis Entering a Room – First Time Scan - Part 1

I find that when I enter a room, I will quickly scan all the people in the room to find out where I fit in, who I will interact with, and where I will go. This is all done in apprehension and fear, I within walking into a new room feel vulnerable, as I don’t know where or if I will be accepted by those who are in the room and thus this feeling of being vulnerable to others acceptance of me, will activate this scan. So I will make a quick assessment of all the people in the room based on the way they look initially, it’s very quick and usually I am not even aware of it. Within my starting point I am immediately allowing inferiority to direct me as I walk into the room, this is my first thought, I am inferior to these people, so I gauge everyone based on their picture presentations, and decided who I will approach based on my assessment of who looks the less threatening based on who looks approachable and who I have defined as unapproachable. Those who are approachable are usually plain or normal looking people that have normal imperfections, and those who are unapproachable are those I see as ‘perfect’ within their look, I shy away from them as I immediately see myself as not able to compete with them, and thus go into a defense mechanism, as this survival instinct of competition activates when with those I see as superior to me.

Self Forgiveness on the Judgment of Pictures and the Quick Scan and Assessment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when entering a new room, I will instantly scan the room and compare all the pictures in the room to myself, basing the picture within a value to how I see myself in my mind as an idea, which is average but flawed, and thus will create a quick value judgment scan of all based on the feeling of security I feel within myself based on the assessment I had made of each one. Those I saw as the same as me in this picture value or being less then me, I will calculate that as I know that I have people in the room whom are little to no threat and I will be able to compete with them, which makes me feel calmer. I realize, see, and understand the limitedness of this assessment and calculation of who is and will be within a room and judging immediately whether or not they compare with the picture I perceive of myself, and if I feel threatened by them or not. I see that this is not the way life is suppose to be like as it makes me miserable and uneasy most of the time, and life is not a 1 dimensional picture I am seeing in my mind, there is a whole living being I am missing and limiting our expressions within based on seeing this point or unknown factor in fear, and so allowing myself to be driven by competition to survive because I preceive myself as weak.

I commit myself to when and as I find that I create a value judgment based on a quick scan in a room as I enter it and go to compartmentalize those within the room into boxes as more then me or less then me, I stop and breath. I, in that moment delete the picture of myself and the thought to go into this value judgment realizing the life that is equal within all that is in the room, and push myself to walk in and sit without any analysis, preferably don’t look at anyone directly to start practicing this, and just go into the room and sit down, pushing myself to not create a separation when moving into a new environment, but being equal and one with all that are there, so I can express myself rather then be in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create who I am based on my past in where I feared being seen as not perfect by others and when this was validated by being picked on at school, I defined myself by this memory of being made fun of due to what I looked like, and so created a fear of facing others who I saw as more then me within pictures because I feared the humiliation and embarrassment emotions of those memories. I realize and see that holding on to this memory is activating the feelings of fear and the memory of how I felt, so I let go of the connection to this memory as I realize I am not defined by how others say me or called me names, as I know who I am and what I stand for, and I am equal in value with all as life and the life that is within all.

I commit myself to when and as I go into this memory of fear of abuse and being humiliated, I stop and breath, and let go of these emotions through breath, I push myself to interact with the beings and face the fear within me, so I can see that I am still here even if I am made fun of as I realize I am not defined how others see me or perceive me, so thus I am freewithin my own self acceptance and thus I walk the acceptance of all others in my world equal and one to how I would like to be treated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge any being within a polarity of better/worse and thus create a security within this polarity and living within the inferior position within it, limiting and constricting my world, where I don’t find any point of true self enjoyment and expression with others as I am with because I am never actually here and really enjoying myself with others, but constantly in my head in the scan of all others in my world trying to see where I fit in, instead of living and being fit where I stand no matter where that is, cause I realize I am here.

I commit myself to when and as I go into these thoughts of judgment towards myself as inferior with others and thus scan the group to see where I fit in a polarity of more or less then me, I stop and breath. I commit to push myself to continue to breath, and speak the words in my head, ‘we are equal, we are physical’ and focus on the physical of us as equals, stopping the memories and thoughts of the past as abuse and the pictures of me as being as self judgment and push my interaction with others in humbleness, acceptance, and genuineness. I commit myself to not accept the comparison and value judgment of others before I even speak to them, and commit to get to know others regardless of there pictures, get to know them as human beings, who they are and where they come from as how I would want for myself.

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