Day 180 – Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Exposure Part 1.2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge something that I have done or have had happen to me as bad and thus create a suppression around it based on fear of others finding out. I realize that when I create a suppression around a point I have judged I will go into this fear based on believing that I will be seen as bad for doing such an act or having something happen to me, which cause no solution within the point, but only accumulates energy and is stored as memories for me to limit myself from in my physical body because they are not being dealt with.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a judgment of an act I do or something that has been done to me as bad, I stop and breath, and do not allow the thoughts to continue as I realize this will limit me in my living and I see this as unbeneficial to and so I commit myself to when and as I go into judgment stop the thoughts and do self forgiveness to correct the point, and not allow it to have power over me, but direct it within the moment to a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a memory within me of fear of exposure due to living this within the time I wet the bed, and holding onto this memory for some time within me, hiding it, based on this fear of not wanting others to know, and thus becoming manipulative so others will not find out and stunt my expression as I am being deceptive within this. I realize that within this fear and suppression I am not allowing myself to release the point and find out the origin of what it’s about and why it occurred, but instead creating more layers as the mind as memories as these thoughts of being exposed, and thus cause abuse to myself through suppressing and not releasing the point to be corrected.

I commit myself to when and as I find I am going into a suppression about a point I fear others finding out about, I stop and breath, and commit myself to write the point out in private, to find out the origin of the fear and suppression, and thus come to a solution so it doesn’t have power over me any longer, such as stopping the judgment which is not real and standing within stability of who I am and finding out the solution to the wetting or why it’s occurring to be corrected, and get it dealt with so I am free of it and have it stop having power over me because it is understood within myself instead of just suppressed and feared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being outcasted by others based on holding onto the belief that those who wet the bed are not normal, and thus create a judgment against those that wet the bed. I realize that holding onto this judgment is useless as it only hinders me, when I can get the point corrected, as obviously there is a point that is not working properly within me, and thus stopping this belief and getting the support I need to help my physical function properly.

I commit myself to when and as I go into beliefs about how people see things or think about things, I stop and breath, and find within the point through writing what is the common sense practical solution to what it is I am facing. Allowing for assistance and support when I realize something is not ok within my body, and stopping the beliefs when they arise from directing me. I commit to focus on fact and the physical and let go of beliefs and fears as these are illusions as they are of the mind, and are not supporting me to live to my fullest potential, so I commit to let go of the illusion as mind within thoughts, and focus and practice living from the physical until I am here.

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Day 179 – Introduction to My Anxiety – Part 1.1 - Fear of Being Exposed

Here looking at the fear’s within points where I become anxious within myself, I see fears that come up when I am anxious are:
-fear of being exposed
-fear of being seen in a bad light
-fear of not making it, whether time, deadline, process
-fear of being a failure
-fear of others seeing me as a failure
-fear of dying
-fear of being seen as an outcast
-fear of suffering physical

-fear of not getting what I want

So I will walk through each of these fears to investigate the specifics of how and why they have been created within myself, and where within my past they are originating from, to walk the self forgiveness and self corrective process to give myself the opportunity to stop the fear in my living and live from reality, here, as I me breathing and living equal with all life.

#1) Fear of Being Exposed

Here I see that I have a fear of being exposed due to seeing throughout my life that when something was exposed and someone was caught, they were riduculed, judged, and outcasted from the group they were in and labeled as such. So within myself all the hidden secrets that I judged as bad, I feared becoming exposed and caught because of this fear of being outcasted and labeled as a fuck up within my group or the environment I was in. So this fear of being exposed, is a fear of being out casted within my family at the most prominent level in my early life and the environment I was in, and being labeled as someone who is different or odd. So having this idea in my head that people who are out casted and are labeled as different are to be avoided and any point I find within myself that I judge in this way as 'bad' or 'abnormal' is to not be exposed at any cost. So great anxiety was built up within me because of this fear of being exposed for these 'bad' or 'abnormal' things that happened in my life, and thus then being outcasted and being seen as different, which created more anxiety and fear of not being treated the same as the others and so I would have less of a chance of getting my desires met.

So a memory that happened when I was younger within this fear of exposure was when once and a while I would wet my bed, and then would walk up in a panic because of it. I would go very quickly to find clean clothes and change my sheets, hoping my mom or anyone, would not find out that I did this. Within me I was afraid that if my mom would find out then my whole family would find out, and then it would get to my friends, and then my classmates, and then I would be seen as different and not treated as I would normally be treated as all the others kids are treated. So I built up an anxiety of being seen by my peers as a person less then who I wanted them to see me as, which was a normal kid where I had potential to impress them and become one of the better one's among them. 

For a lot of years, I went through this nightly ritual of fear of being exposed and having to face my mom of wetting the bed, I didn’t want any point of difference that would make me seem weak by others, so I didn’t give anyone the chance to find anything ‘bad’ out about me, if I could help it, making me become very good at deception and manipulating others to only let people know so much about me not exposing the truth what's going on within me because of fear of being weak among the group, and thus lessening my chance of a 'good' life. So survival was the foundation of this fear, causing allot of anxiety and build up of stress in myself over time, as it was just accumulating and accumulating in my thoughts, in my memories, in energies as emotions, and in fear of being seen as someone who is not normal creating the idea in my mind that I am will be seen as weak, and thus less likely to get what I want in life, which created and fueled this fear for many years throughout my childhood.

More to come in next blog…stay tuned and thanks for reading.

Day 126- Letting Go of the Past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring my past as how I experienced myself in the past here within this moment in pictures as memories of me being a ‘fuck up’ and thus defining myself by this starting point whenever I allow these pictures as memories to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when interacting with another being, accept the picture of me as less then, where in I will remember how I feel about myself based on how I was treated in the past, so thus holding onto memories of being mistreated in the past and thus within this accepting this as who I am here, a person who is going to get mistreated, and thus live into this by seeing myself as someone who gets abused as I allow others to abuse me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow others to direct how i am and thus allow abuse onto me, as i did not stand up for myself, showing i am abusing myself by not walking what is best for self as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within moving about my day, accept thoughts that I am less then others and thus accept the feeling of unworthiness to direct me based on believing this of myself, by defining myself by these emotions and feelings of unworthiness and thus the depression state, living into this depression state physically, by holding myself back and allow my past as the fuck up character defining me in my living in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the fuck up character based on holding onto memories of me living and judging myself as a fuck up, such as when I skied into a picnic bench, where in, I was made fun of from that point on, based on this action, and thus blaming myself for this ‘accident’ where in it was out of my control, and thus just an occurrence that happened due to circumstances I had no control over at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this memory of me skiing into a picnic bench and thus from this memory live into the inferior character as I see within the group I was with, they used this as a point of weakness in me, and thus I defined myself based on this weakness they called out, which I realize is not a weakness as we are not defined by weak/strong, but is simply a point that occurred, and thus learn from this point to correct it in the future, and stop the judgment of self and others based on happenings that are not 'normal' or 'regular'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally that I was made fun of for skiing into the picnic bench and thus define myself by the words of others and the incident that occurred in the past, and re-live it over and over when I find that another is trying to exploit a weakness or my perception as such, and thus go into inferiority based on remembering this memory of being called as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the past and thus by a memory of me being made fun of by other kids, as I realize this was based on the kids mis-education on how to treat others human beings, and the mind within that separate us from each other due to our own actions or inactions to walk a change that supports life, where in, I must walk the change to support life as I realize that I have this opportunity to do this process now of correcting this point to stop the mind from directing me and thus teach others to stop as well, so thus I walk the change that is here within this process, to stop directing myself by thoughts and memories of the mind and live here for the betterment of all life by equalizing myself with the physical existence and changing what physical matters to support everyone living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the words of others, and thus define myself through who I am in regards to the words of others, instead of walking me as living words, which I realize is the correction that I must walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by being yelled at by older beings, and thus go into inferiority around those who are older then me based on defining myself by age superiority, where in I immediately go into inferiority due to the belief that those who are older are more wise and know better, I realize that this not self supportive as I am separating myself from others, and thus going into a point of inferiority automatically based on this belief about elders being more capable/knowledgable/wise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by being criticized and thus defined myself by the criticism of another believing it to be true about me, and thus instead of using common sense reasoning in self honesty, I will believe the other and thus change myself to suit the others words, seeing myself not as capable as the other and that the other is usually correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and my capabilities due to seeing myself not as capable as those who are older in age then me, and thus go into inferiority when I find that I am criticized by another and thus allow that criticism to define me and change myself to accommodate another’s words instead of trusting myself and living my words that support me in self honesty and common sense assessments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad and inferior if I am criticized by someone who is older, and thus believe that I am wrong.

I fogive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow beliefs that I am inferior to elders and not as capable to direct me into suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself for others and not trust myself within my living and my self application in who I am in self honesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my expression based on my holding of the past in who i believe myself to be in my mind, i realize i must walk the change to live here in breath, and walk the physical in what matters and can be changed to support life in all as i would for myself, live here in the physical as breath and stop the mind from  directing me as thoughts, pictures, memories, and beliefs, it's not worth it and it's self abusive.

Self Corrective Statements to Follow.

letting go, stop the past, live here, breath, stable living, criticism, mistreated, bulled, memories, process, elders, common sense assessment, suppression, equal life, desteni, 2012, eqafe, stop and change, journey to life