Monday, November 19, 2012

Day 176 – The Demonic Within – Quick Analysis Entering a Room – First Time Scan - Part 1

I find that when I enter a room, I will quickly scan all the people in the room to find out where I fit in, who I will interact with, and where I will go. This is all done in apprehension and fear, I within walking into a new room feel vulnerable, as I don’t know where or if I will be accepted by those who are in the room and thus this feeling of being vulnerable to others acceptance of me, will activate this scan. So I will make a quick assessment of all the people in the room based on the way they look initially, it’s very quick and usually I am not even aware of it. Within my starting point I am immediately allowing inferiority to direct me as I walk into the room, this is my first thought, I am inferior to these people, so I gauge everyone based on their picture presentations, and decided who I will approach based on my assessment of who looks the less threatening based on who looks approachable and who I have defined as unapproachable. Those who are approachable are usually plain or normal looking people that have normal imperfections, and those who are unapproachable are those I see as ‘perfect’ within their look, I shy away from them as I immediately see myself as not able to compete with them, and thus go into a defense mechanism, as this survival instinct of competition activates when with those I see as superior to me.

Self Forgiveness on the Judgment of Pictures and the Quick Scan and Assessment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when entering a new room, I will instantly scan the room and compare all the pictures in the room to myself, basing the picture within a value to how I see myself in my mind as an idea, which is average but flawed, and thus will create a quick value judgment scan of all based on the feeling of security I feel within myself based on the assessment I had made of each one. Those I saw as the same as me in this picture value or being less then me, I will calculate that as I know that I have people in the room whom are little to no threat and I will be able to compete with them, which makes me feel calmer. I realize, see, and understand the limitedness of this assessment and calculation of who is and will be within a room and judging immediately whether or not they compare with the picture I perceive of myself, and if I feel threatened by them or not. I see that this is not the way life is suppose to be like as it makes me miserable and uneasy most of the time, and life is not a 1 dimensional picture I am seeing in my mind, there is a whole living being I am missing and limiting our expressions within based on seeing this point or unknown factor in fear, and so allowing myself to be driven by competition to survive because I preceive myself as weak.

I commit myself to when and as I find that I create a value judgment based on a quick scan in a room as I enter it and go to compartmentalize those within the room into boxes as more then me or less then me, I stop and breath. I, in that moment delete the picture of myself and the thought to go into this value judgment realizing the life that is equal within all that is in the room, and push myself to walk in and sit without any analysis, preferably don’t look at anyone directly to start practicing this, and just go into the room and sit down, pushing myself to not create a separation when moving into a new environment, but being equal and one with all that are there, so I can express myself rather then be in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create who I am based on my past in where I feared being seen as not perfect by others and when this was validated by being picked on at school, I defined myself by this memory of being made fun of due to what I looked like, and so created a fear of facing others who I saw as more then me within pictures because I feared the humiliation and embarrassment emotions of those memories. I realize and see that holding on to this memory is activating the feelings of fear and the memory of how I felt, so I let go of the connection to this memory as I realize I am not defined by how others say me or called me names, as I know who I am and what I stand for, and I am equal in value with all as life and the life that is within all.

I commit myself to when and as I go into this memory of fear of abuse and being humiliated, I stop and breath, and let go of these emotions through breath, I push myself to interact with the beings and face the fear within me, so I can see that I am still here even if I am made fun of as I realize I am not defined how others see me or perceive me, so thus I am freewithin my own self acceptance and thus I walk the acceptance of all others in my world equal and one to how I would like to be treated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge any being within a polarity of better/worse and thus create a security within this polarity and living within the inferior position within it, limiting and constricting my world, where I don’t find any point of true self enjoyment and expression with others as I am with because I am never actually here and really enjoying myself with others, but constantly in my head in the scan of all others in my world trying to see where I fit in, instead of living and being fit where I stand no matter where that is, cause I realize I am here.

I commit myself to when and as I go into these thoughts of judgment towards myself as inferior with others and thus scan the group to see where I fit in a polarity of more or less then me, I stop and breath. I commit to push myself to continue to breath, and speak the words in my head, ‘we are equal, we are physical’ and focus on the physical of us as equals, stopping the memories and thoughts of the past as abuse and the pictures of me as being as self judgment and push my interaction with others in humbleness, acceptance, and genuineness. I commit myself to not accept the comparison and value judgment of others before I even speak to them, and commit to get to know others regardless of there pictures, get to know them as human beings, who they are and where they come from as how I would want for myself.

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