Day 178 - Not Getting a Laugh

Check out this blog for reference, Day 177 - The 'Why Me' Excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it as a personal attack when I make a joke and the people or person doesn't laugh or give me the reaction I expected to get. I realize that when and as I create an expectation in my mind of how I want to be received within saying something to another, I create a point of expectation that if I don't receive will create disappointment, and thus I then create a blame of the other for giving me this feeling of disappointment.

I commit myself to when and as I go into this point of expectation of how others should receive me and treat me within this desire to have a feeling of being liked, I stop and breath. I walk the correction by saying the joke within a point of enjoyment for all, and realize and allow people to make their own decisions about it. I stop all points of self interest for a specific desire to be liked as I accept and become stable with myself and how I am, not allowing myself to be determined by others reaction towards me.

In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the feeling of being liked and laugh at within others seeing me as funny and thus defining myself as valuable when I am seen as funny by others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a value judgment of how I am in separation to life here as all and thus create a separation within myself towards others as some are funny and some are not, and create a judgment of those who are funny as being more valuable then those who are not, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as funny as I have valued this as being better then not being funny. I realize that within and as creating value judgments in either a positive or negative polarity towards any point in life and thus allowing myself to be defined within this polarity play out, I am separating myself from fully living one and equal with others because I am creating a point of separating myself from others from the only value that matters which is life in equality and treating all as such, stopping the separation  Separating myself into more or less and creating a definition of this in my mind towards life instantly separates me from my full potential as life as I am not life, but have created a limited version from who I really am as life as one and equal with all as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of desire to be seen in a specific way, immediately stop my participation in thoughts, and investigate the thoughts patterns and characters I went into in writing, so to not allow myself to go into these thoughts patterns and characters from allowing to reoccur and direct me. I commit myself to stop and breath when these thoughts come up again, and let go of the desires to be seen in a specific way, by not going into the desires, not feeding them, and pushing myself to walk as equals with others, find ways and solutions to live in equality through focusing on the physical and living in ways that will support everyone.

Day 177 – Why Me? Excuse

Here looking at the point of self pity, where in I am focusing on this point that comes up a lot within a group of people, where I find the person that is to me the strongest, in either looks, personality, or ability, and compare them to me, because what I find I am constantly doing is competing. Is this drive for perfection, I want others to see me as perfect within who I am, I desire for others to approve of me and pay attention to me. I have since a child desired people’s attention, I remember when I was about 4 or 5 years old, my dad had a boat and there was a cabin below where we could sit and hang out, so me, probably some of my sisters and my cousins were down below, and I was telling them stories, funny ones, and they were all laughing at the stories I was coming up with. I very much enjoyed to make them laugh and feeling very good that I had all these peoples attention on me, seeing me and valuing me as a funny person. And this feeling of being the center of attention is what I liked best, having all the eyes on me, and making others laugh and having that ability to do that was really fascinating to me and I enjoyed the feelings I got.

It’s this desire for others to see me in this way of valuing me as something good, someone who is funny, that I seek, and so define myself by these moments in time, where I get a laugh from others and get there attention. And if I am denied or don’t get a laugh from others and don't get enough attention then I will become a demonic spiteful bitch to the person, really taking it personally, and seeing the other as a real bastard for not finding me funny. But, I do this passively usually, passive aggressive they call it, something I will write more on for sure. Also, a point of embarrassment will come over me completely, and with this feeling of embarrassment, my reaction goes into anger as I really dislike this feeling, and I will seek revenge based on blaming the other for this creating this feeling within me. Another dimension I will go into is into self pity, why me? I ask to the universe, why didn’t they laugh at my jokes, is it the way I look, do they just see me as beastly and not even want to be around me, why don’t they like me, and go on about how I am so unfortunate because I was made to feel bad and was rejected in the worst ways, where all these thoughts are screwing around in my mind. But who is the one creating all these emotions and feelings and thoughts not liked and denied, I mean, to not get a laugh is simply to not get a laugh, but because I react to the embarrassment feeling which causes me to freeze up and not be able to discuss the point to get some clarity for myself of why they didn’t find it funny, so take it compeletly out of context usually and go into competition with those 'dare' to reject me.

I mean, its these feelings, that I am allowing to direct me into this whole episode in my mind of storming emotions of anger and blame for something that isn’t even real anyways, I am not defined by someone not liking a joke or not even liking me, I feel like I have to please everyone I meet, and if I don’t then I am a failure, and so go into the whole pity party of why did I have to be created this way, why am I such a failure, who fucked me up, why can't life be easier for me, my can’t they just like me, and really irrational bizarre excuses and justifications and verbal mind and word vomit, for this desire to be liked by others and accepted because I am not doing this for myself. I am not liking myself, I don’t want to see the flaws within myself, and this denial is allowing my self interest to continue, because I need to face myself and realize what I am doing if I want this to stop and me to be stable, I have to change my self interest through a correction process of writing and self change in my living.


This I will walk in the next blogs with some self forgiveness and self correction writing. Merci.

Day 128- Justification Character – as Self Manipulation

Here looking at the justification character, where in I actually use self manipulation as justification to not have to stand up and face my fears that I am currently facing in terms of transcending my programming within the mind consciousness system that has been resisted through accepting this fear as myself. The fear is not in fact real as it comes from the mind, and thus is evidence that I am creating my own fear as I can only create the fear through my own mind, so thus justifying the fear and self manipulation to stay in this fear, through accepting my mind to direct me here in this physical reality through my physical body.

How do I justify myself is through accepting and allowing thoughts of self diminishment and self compromise, such as ‘you can’t do that, you’ll be seen as a fool’ or ‘your not smart enough, don’t even bother’ or ‘it’s too much, you won’t be able to handle the conflict that’ll arise’, so within the pattern of these thoughts, is justification and self diminishment, where I allow myself to fall back into the patterns and suppressions because I accept these thoughts as me, over and over again.

Within the justification character, it is self manipulation as it’s a point of giving into the mind and using a back door as points that if I look in self honesty, I realize is only holding me back and suppressing who I can be if I just stop the justification to live to my fullest potential. Why would I live in such a way, this based on fear and why do I accept and allow fear to direct me, because of the justification that apparently I can’t break through. But, having a look, I see and realize that this is just a limitation I am accepting myself as based on not fully wanting to take responsibility for who I am.

Thus justifying the abuse onto myself, where in I cycle through self sabotage as falling and becoming depressed, but creating this as I keep defining myself by the characters of inferior, not capable, and bring that through with justifying why I am this way, to thus be able to live into this point where in I fool myself believing that it is not possible to change and become who I really am as life.

But who is the one who is sabotaging who, I am the only one who is sabotaging myself with beliefs and ideas that I am not capable, and thus justifying it as so because I am not disciplining myself enough in my living, to stop the points I see that are not supporting me.

To justify who I am being as a person in the mind limiting myself to my fullest potential which is here in the physical, is an excuse to walk the easy way out, and not push myself in the forms and ways that must be pushed to stop this from continuing. It’s essentially, allowing the mind complete control and access into self and allowing the life force to be sucked out, like giving up, but within the giving up it’s an existential consequences as even if it is not faced here at death, I will face myself in the here after, just making it that much more difficult, and from what I have gathered through speaking to beings here on the farm and in desteni, it’s much more difficult in the dimensions because the physical is a point of stability that is lost at death.

So I will walk the self forgiveness in my next blog to face this point, and thus walk the correction, to stop the point of giving into justifications in self, and thus transcend the point of giving up, to only walk the point of life, in absolute dedication, and pushing to be more specific and detailed. 

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki


justification, justifying abuse, excuses, manipulation fear, death, physical, space time, dimensions, mind, existence, consequences of ones actions, life force, desteni, equal life, journey to life, 2012, giving up, i give up, eqafe, bernardpoolman