Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Day 177 – Why Me? Excuse

Here looking at the point of self pity, where in I am focusing on this point that comes up a lot within a group of people, where I find the person that is to me the strongest, in either looks, personality, or ability, and compare them to me, because what I find I am constantly doing is competing. Is this drive for perfection, I want others to see me as perfect within who I am, I desire for others to approve of me and pay attention to me. I have since a child desired people’s attention, I remember when I was about 4 or 5 years old, my dad had a boat and there was a cabin below where we could sit and hang out, so me, probably some of my sisters and my cousins were down below, and I was telling them stories, funny ones, and they were all laughing at the stories I was coming up with. I very much enjoyed to make them laugh and feeling very good that I had all these peoples attention on me, seeing me and valuing me as a funny person. And this feeling of being the center of attention is what I liked best, having all the eyes on me, and making others laugh and having that ability to do that was really fascinating to me and I enjoyed the feelings I got.

It’s this desire for others to see me in this way of valuing me as something good, someone who is funny, that I seek, and so define myself by these moments in time, where I get a laugh from others and get there attention. And if I am denied or don’t get a laugh from others and don't get enough attention then I will become a demonic spiteful bitch to the person, really taking it personally, and seeing the other as a real bastard for not finding me funny. But, I do this passively usually, passive aggressive they call it, something I will write more on for sure. Also, a point of embarrassment will come over me completely, and with this feeling of embarrassment, my reaction goes into anger as I really dislike this feeling, and I will seek revenge based on blaming the other for this creating this feeling within me. Another dimension I will go into is into self pity, why me? I ask to the universe, why didn’t they laugh at my jokes, is it the way I look, do they just see me as beastly and not even want to be around me, why don’t they like me, and go on about how I am so unfortunate because I was made to feel bad and was rejected in the worst ways, where all these thoughts are screwing around in my mind. But who is the one creating all these emotions and feelings and thoughts not liked and denied, I mean, to not get a laugh is simply to not get a laugh, but because I react to the embarrassment feeling which causes me to freeze up and not be able to discuss the point to get some clarity for myself of why they didn’t find it funny, so take it compeletly out of context usually and go into competition with those 'dare' to reject me.

I mean, its these feelings, that I am allowing to direct me into this whole episode in my mind of storming emotions of anger and blame for something that isn’t even real anyways, I am not defined by someone not liking a joke or not even liking me, I feel like I have to please everyone I meet, and if I don’t then I am a failure, and so go into the whole pity party of why did I have to be created this way, why am I such a failure, who fucked me up, why can't life be easier for me, my can’t they just like me, and really irrational bizarre excuses and justifications and verbal mind and word vomit, for this desire to be liked by others and accepted because I am not doing this for myself. I am not liking myself, I don’t want to see the flaws within myself, and this denial is allowing my self interest to continue, because I need to face myself and realize what I am doing if I want this to stop and me to be stable, I have to change my self interest through a correction process of writing and self change in my living.

This I will walk in the next blogs with some self forgiveness and self correction writing. Merci.

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