A Lady's Journey to Life: Day 182 – Introduction to My Anxiety - Fear of Being Seen in a Bad Light Part 2.2

A memory I am holding onto is when I was asked by Bernard at the farm, ‘why I stopped doing the vlogging?’ and within this moment a fear came up within me of being seen by Bernard in a bad light, because this point was true, I had stopped the vlogging, and because I made a value judgment of myself and how I wanted to be seen by Bernard, as someone who was living my words, and never falls, I created this fear and then lived in this fear by not really having an answer to why I stopped. This fear popping up shows that I am in self interest rather then living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire within myself to be seen as special and excelling within who I am and what I do in my living in that moment when Bernard asked me why I stopped vlogging. I realize and see within this desire to be seen as special and excelling, I have created arelationship towards Bernard of defining how I am based on his words and actions towards me, showing that I am not trusting myself and not being self honest in my living.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am going into this desire of being seen as special and excellent within a group/towards a person in a point of attachment of how others are seeing me and how I desire them to see me, I breath and let go of all the thoughts as desires. I breath through the point of wanting to be seen in a specific way, and answer the question in self honesty immediately rather then skirting around it to try and look my best when the I am not at my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be within self interest in desiring to be seen within a specific way towards others rather then be self honest within myself and how I am in fact living, but want to be seen as someone I am not in fact living. I realize that within determining and defining myself within this relationship of how others see me, I thus understand I am accessing self interest thus creating self dishonesty through not living my words by being deceptive to be something I desire to be, but not in fact am.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of self interest within a desire to be seen in a specific way by a person/group, I stop and breath, and let go of this desire, not participating in the thoughts and stopping all the energy relationships I formed to this person/groups words and actions in determining who I am, also practicing trusting myself and defining myself within my own self honesty. This by letting go of desires and definitions by others to direct me, and push myself to walk and directing myself within my own self living in the trust and facts that is here, so my best in fact and so I am here and direct, not deceiving myself nor deceiving life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I go into this desire to be seen within a specific way, I immediately create the opposite polarity of fear of being seen in a bad light, and so I create a polarity playout within my world of points that I will desire and fear based on not living these points within equality and self honesty within myself, in accepting both as me as I walk, and creating a point of stability within self by accepting these points and correcting them in self honesty and that which is best for all. I realize that to let go of this point of fear I must let go of the point of desire by accepting each as me and correcting my living in self honesty and what is best for all.

I commit myself to walk the correction by accepting myself within and as each breath, stopping all judgmentof my past or how I am in this moment, and push myself to walk in self honesty in correcting my living and accepting all that is here as me. This can be practiced and lived out by facing my fears and realizing the self-understanding within each moment I breath and walk to become a more aware human living as I consider all that is here that I am living and that is in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go blank in my head when Bernard asked me this question of why I stopped vlogging, as a defense mechanism I have created, so I can hide from myself this fear and desire to be seen in a specific way as bad, as I fear this based on desiring the opposite of being seen as the best and getting attention for this. I realize that this is self interest and not necessary as I can be here within myself and have access to all life if I would accept the oneness of who I am, I can be here within all points ofawareness as life, and thus I stop this need for attention by realizing that I need nothing I am here.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of self interest in desiring attention from others and thus also creating the fear of losing this attention and seen in a bad way when I don’t fulfill a certain obligation, I stop and breath, and re-align myself to who I am in myself as life and correct the point within the understanding that it is ok and I am ok to fall or make a mistake, and that I need nothing and that I accept all that is here as me and realize that eventually I will be here, I walk my process in oneness and equality for what is best for all until it is done and I as all is here.