Assertive - Redefining this Word to Live - Day 497

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Assertive is not something I would describe myself as within how I operate in social settings, I am quite shy usually and it'll take a push for me to become more outgoing and assertive in my words and actions. Though, personally I am assertive within myself based on a relative understanding of being truthful and honoring this within myself, and what fruits this brings when it is applied in an honest application. I enjoyed in the past and still do the consequences this brings in my life and self understanding, and usually I regret if I do something that was not supporting a truthful outcome. So I always had a personal understanding of doing the ‘right’ thing or allowing this truth within me be a focus throughout my life. The part that I couldn’t quite align with is the social world where I became limited by past memories of being bullied and events that caused hardship on my mind. I did have many fun/enjoyable times, though what always seemed to stand out the most is the negative and bad times.

So the way I identify with this word is that I personally am assertive within myself in my path to living my truth, but in the external world I am imbalanced within this point as I suppress my expression a lot and feel insecure in front of people mostly. Though through walking the desteni i process and living words redefinition process I am becoming more and more strong in my stand of who I am and find more stability within myself to live this word assertive.

Defintion:
Assertive - 1560s, "declaratory, positive, full of assertion," from assert + -ive. Meaning "insisting on one's rights" is short for self-assertive(1865).

Assertive word play:
Assist – directive
Assert – directive

So within looking at the word definition and the word play, I see that there is an active assertion or declaration of self’s direction within the moment or within what self is living. So within this assertiveness is self movement in one’s self truth. Here I can see it as a point of moving from being laid back or not moving self to in the moment moving self to walk one’s truth where in a moment before I would hold myself back due to fear. So it’s in a way recognizing one’s self truth and expressing that through the layers of the mind as limitations that is pushing the resistence in self to remain quiet, remain limited, remain enslaved so I am controlled and can’t change myself. This action of moving through the mind into self expression is asserting oneself in the physical in the moment. I can walk this in moments where I see I want to hold back, I look within myself and see if I am clear and if I have something to share/express I assert myself to do so moving through any mind resistances and living/expressing my truth as who I am in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back in self expression due to the fear of being judged/ridiculed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach expressing myself with ridicule and humiliation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back in moments due to fear within my words being wrong or not agreeable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression due to my mind saying no instead of moving into the physical and seeing what is real.

I commit myself to move through the mind layers of energy/fear and move into an assertive looking of myself in the moment to express if it is there.

I commit myself to assert myself if I am aligned with truth within myself and walking self honest and what is best.

I commit myself to stop fear with moving into assertiveness and correcting myself as I find I am not aligned with what is best and always stand.

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Day 259 – Does Survival of the Fittest Make Me A Robot? Only If I Allow It

Please reference these blogs for further context:
Day 253 – Yelling/Beating Someone Up in My Mind
Day 254 - "Being Taken Advantage of" to Justify My Abuse
Day 255 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You - Part 1
Day 256 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You – Part 1.2
Day 257 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You 1.2 Continued

Day 258 – Does Survival of the Fittest make me a Robot?

When and as I go into a point of competition in where I will go into a quick scan and comparison with another where I will see if I am able to compete within them, I stop and breath, and realize that within this I am limiting my expression based on thinking rather then living in the moment in what is best for both.

I commit myself to stop the scan and comparison until I am no longer moved by it and I am clear here in what direction I will take.

I commit myself to always consider the other as an equal to me in fact as life and stop competing.

I commit myself to breath and release the desire to win and be the best through committing myself to accept myself and let myself live in each moment without judgment.

I commit myself to stop self judgment and thus end polarity playouts within separation with life and find common ground to come to compromise or agreements.

When and as I go into fear of my survival based on the thought that I will lose and thus suppress who I am, I stop and breath, and realize that living from fear will always create more fear in my world, so I realize I must face this fear, accept it as myself, and thus then walk the correction to face the fear and change it into a living for myself. I stop the fear of others and walk with those that stand for a solution that is best for all.

I commit myself to embrace the other as myself seeing them in their shoes and walking a point of humbleness stopping all points of being more.

I commit myself to stop fear and thus stand within my self trust and acceptance, and use my standing and ability within common sense to walk solutions with others and face what is here as consequence.

When and as I go into a point of comparison with another and judge the way they look or speak, I stop and breath, and realize that this will separate me into the mind as ego seeing myself more or less based on the pictures we present, living as suppressed expression within myself in where I can gain the point of knowing another and learning about someone new instead of sabotaging the meet up due to fear.

I commit myself to not accept this comparison to direct me, where I stop paying attention to it, and do not follow it within self compromise.

I commit myself to stop and see reality for what it is, stop going into my mind to define, but see life where it is here in this life in a wholeness.

I commit myself to let go of the thoughts in the mind that we are different, and communicate and go with those I resist and face this fear.

I commit myself to push my resistances and stop limiting myself due to fear, when I go into self compromise, I breath and do not accept it by doing that which I fear in common sense assessment of course.

I commit myself to stop scanning others and see the whole of the room, all that is there rather then focusing and going into my mind.

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Day 258 – Does Survival of the Fittest make me a Robot?

“I will then calculate in my head within a quick scan of the other to see where i stand, and will then assess if i am able to win against them or not.”

Please reference these blogs for further context:
Day 253 – Yelling/Beating Someone Up in My Mind
Day 254 - "Being Taken Advantage of" to Justify My Abuse
Day 255 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You - Part 1
Day 256 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You – Part 1.2
Day 257 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You 1.2 Continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how much I limit my self expression due to fear, fear of what others will do, say, and/or think of me, and thus I will exist within this fear in my living where I am on the defensive at all times, restricted and guarded around others due to this belief that life is a struggle and I have to compete to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within competition in my world in havingthoughts of sizing up others where in I assess within a moment whether or not I will be able to handle myself with another within a point of coming out on top with the other or feeling inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within a fear of not having anything in life, not having any support from others, and thus being alone to fend for myself where I fear not making it and dying, and thus I will limit who I am here and what I will do around others due to this potential of lose and fear that I will be at a lose if I don’t go in prepared to compete and stay on top.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an in house or inner maintenance systemwhere I keep myself in check and also be on alter through scanning and access myself and myself within and around my environment and the people in my environment, where I will only move and express myself if I have assessed that I am more strong or more capable then others due to a calculation of the others look and the way they speak and thus go into a self definition and limitation of either being stronger or weaker according to how I have assessed myself according to the others comparison, and thus live into the role complete of what I assessed creating a separation between us based on assessing and living myself and who I am from a mindreality rather then the real reality of us being equal in fact as life here in this physical existence, here in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my self expression and the expression of my life in this world as my full potential to fear because I and accepting myself only to live form feelings andenergy as these feeling experiences I have created within me rather then letting them go as they are not real, they are not who I am, and thus they do not define me, and walking into reality, real common sense assessment in equal consideration of the other, and finding solutions to what is here that will work and suit both/all that live.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my living expression be from a starting point of fear through comparison and thus create a limitation within the potential that can be here in every moment, and thus miss the opportunity for real full expression and creating with another something unique and original.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within my mind reality only seeingwhat my mind is telling me and what I am believing to be true rather then live from physical life, what is common between both, and what makes sense to create a solution that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to others through a scan and an assessment based on picture and their mannerism in a few seconds rather then be open and here in my breathin the physical, getting to know the other, who they are within their living, and walking as an equal to understand the other through the realization that we are the same, we are both life and thus live from this starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed comparison and self judgment direct me into a fear reaction with others in believing I have to defend myself to live here, when I realize that this is not the way life has to be, I can stop my fear and thus stop separating myself by living from reality, what is real and what is common, our equal value within all and making sure this world honor real life and I as myself and all life stop living from the mind in our own little bubble worlds, only thinking about our own survival and thus our own self interest, and abusing life the whole time rather then supporting it and enjoying it as equals.

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Artwork By Fellow Destonian:
Marlen Vargas Del Razo


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Day 257 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You 1.2 Continued

Please reference these blogs for further context:
Day 253 – Yelling/Beating Someone Up in My Mind
Day 254 - "Being Taken Advantage of" to Justify My Abuse
Day 255 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You - Part 1
Day 256 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You – Part 1.2

When and as I go into a point of desire to indulge in my anger reaction in energy and go into an outburst onto another, I stop and breath, and realize the consequences of my actions of causing conflict within the relationship as this will cause friction immediately within the other as going into outbursts in anger toward the other will only create conflict as I am not considering the other in trying to be more rather then being equal.

I commit myself to breath through the emotional rush of energy as anger when I believe I have been offended by another, do not react or move myself until I am clear realizing that I will only cause conflict and more reaction within the other into a greater issue.

I commit myself to stabilize myself within this point to a point where I move myself in my own direction and am able to breath through and be stable within anger emotion.

I commit myself to only speak to the other when I am not in reaction and thus speak in a directiveness by my own reason and will, and treat the other as myself.

When and as I go into a point of seeking revenge due to taking another’s actions/words towards me personal and use anger as a tool to justify my revenge desires out on them, I stop and breath, and realize that this is a point that I need to bring back to myself as I am going into blame and not taking responsibility for how I am acting and creating abusive consequences within my living and thus require correction.

I commit myself to stop my desire to take revenge on another by seeing what it is that I took personal and walking self forgiveness and self correction to no more have this point have power over me but see it for what it is within me and correct into being stable within it.

I commit myself to breath and stop myself from taking others actions/words/gestures towards me personal as I understand where I can relate to the other and that the correction is to remain stable, standing on my own, and being humble in letting go points that need to be let go of because I am here and understand who I am as one ad equal with life.

I commit myself to breath through the reaction of desire to take revenge by not allowing the thoughts to accumulate of blame on another and letting go of these reactions of offense.

I commit myself to push myself to support others when I see I was offended and thus find the point of equality and support to become stable within these situations where I move myself and stop the desire to go into energy and release for a moment satisfaction.

When and as I go into a point of seeing I was rejected and others don’t like me, I stop and breath, and realize that this shows a sign of somewhere where I am not accepting myself, and so I investigate and find where I am not supporting myself and accepting myself and change this so I accept this and stabilize myself into a point of equality within the physical where I am equal with how I am and not moved by others minds/reactions.

I commit myself to stop the fear of rejection and thus walk the acceptance of myself in who I am and become stable within my correction of how I live.

I commit to stop taking offense by others and start to stand as an example in stability and understanding and humility.

When and as I go into memories of past scenarios where I was offended, I stop and breath, and realize that these physical happenings occurred and thus this is what is here as my life, I though realize I can stop my reaction within them realizing that I am stable, I understand who I was at that time and how I now realize and understand have changed myself to a person that is able to be stable with others and not moved through reactions of external forces empowering myself to be my own directive force in the solutions that I see will be best and thus always best for all.

I commit myself to stop the reactions to memories by investigating when this occur and stopping my participation in the energy of it through writing and correcting the point to see how I created the reaction and letting go of the ideas/beliefs/thoughts I held of myself that are not real and thus make myself real by living in reality and directing myself as my own self will.

I commit myself to stop blaming others for these reactions and memories by taking responsibility for myself and stopping my own reactions, stopping the blame, and living from the physical here seeing the memories for what they are and that they do not define me.

I commit myself to stop all points of definitions from the mind and walk in each breath here until I am stable through the writing and stability of walking the correction to breath here for real.


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Day 256 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You – Part 1.2

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When and as I go into a point of taking anothers action towards me as an attack or an offense, I breath and stop my reaction, and realize if I react in anyway I will only fuel the fire and cause the conlifct and separation to continue.

When and as I go into assumptions and believe my thoughts and perceptions over reality and thus cross referencing what I am seeing/doing with others, I stop and breath, and realize if I don’t establish my starting point in self honesty in physical reality with others, I will not be able to see what is real as my ego is vested in the mind and thus in my perception as thoughts/reactions.

I commit myself to stop and breath and walk through the desire to react, do not engage if I see I am reacting to the others words/actions towards me, and only speak when I am stable and can direct myself with out energy reaction.

I commit myself to consider the other equal to myself in where I don’t accept myself to go into reaction in emotion or feeling, but breath, and become stable and see the others in the shoes I would like to be treated.

I commit myself to cross reference what I am assuming or perceiving with reality, cross reference with others around me, and make sure what I am seeing is real and thus can then be direct to a solution that will be best.

When and as I see I go into an emotional outburst or reaction, I stop and breath, and walk the point of bringing it back to myself so I can see and realize and thus correct what it is that I took personally, and so correct myself so I stand stable and not moved by outside influence such as others words/actions towards me. I direct myself into peaceful and harmonious living with others by being this myself through being equal in living with others and treating others in this way.

I commit myself to stop my desire to have an emotional release and thus move through the emotion through breath and focus my attention to myself to find the reaction and bring it to a correction.

I commit myself to investigate myself at all times when I react and am moved by energy to see where I stand and how I can correct so I stand no matter what is here in stability in the realization that all here are me in fact that I must walk to correction step by step.

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Day 255 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You - Part 1

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“Here looking at how I go into my mind and express my anger towards another when within my living I had perceived that someone has offended me”

Please reference these blogs for further context:
Day 253 – Yelling/Beating Someone Up in My Mind
Day 254 - "Being Taken Advantage of" to Justify My Abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and thus understand that when I take another’s actions towards me personal, as a personal attack or a deliberate action of offense towards me, I will simultaneously activate and trigger the anger emotional energy within me of desiring revenge against this person and further causing abusive consequences to others and myself because within my mind I assumed that the perception of how I took reality is the way in reality it really was, when this is not possible to definitively know because I am not considering reality for real, but just my mind in my own self interest to be right or get something out of whatever situation I am taking offense from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I take offense of another’s actions or words towards me immediately I go into this anger emotion and then my view is distorted laced with intense emotions that overcome me and I will usually become irrational and just seek to create a release onto that which created this intense emotion within me or rather that trigger this emotional outburst within me as energy.

And thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take these energy emotional reactions that I have created within me back to myself as the creator of this in the first place, and see where and how I went into this reaction and why, and realign these points in the physical reality to reassess if this is truly what is real and what is best for all. Obviously, I realize reacting in anger towards another is not best for all as this cause further abuse to myself as the other, and only conflict is created because I am not considering the other as an equal, but separating me from the other as the wronged and me the righteous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as righteous whenever I react to another and thus define my actions as justified and the other as inconsiderate when to me, when in reality I made no effort to communicate this and find out the why this person did what they did towards me that triggered this emotional reaction, and thus for me to take it back to myself and see where and why I am still reacting as reaction in anger shows that I am not taking responsibility for my actions and my behavior in finding considering the other as myself and finding what is the origin of the actions taken that were not something that I appreciated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the release of the anger emotion and really enjoy this play out of reacting and releasing my anger and vengeance onto another based on the superior feelings I get over the other in making me feel strong and more powerful and the other seen as small and weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand my effects on others when I allow anger to direct me and control me to outburst on others as an immediate restriction and resistance from me, and the process it will take to get back to a stable point within the relationship and communication to again have the opportunity for clarity and change to occur so the solution is reached in a point of equalagreement and understanding of the situations that occurred that created the conflict point in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others actions towards me personal and use anger to seek my revenge on them because I felt weak and inferior to them in that moment, and believed they were doing this deliberately to make me look stupid and small.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then seek revenge and fuel this revenge on the other with anger emotion because I blamed the other for this anger I was feeling that I created within me due to feelings of inadequacy they activated of them offending me due to me feeling less then them and them deliberately making me feel less when it was me holding onto memories of being felt less then others when I took what others did to me personal as well such as close the door on me without considering that I also need to come through the door to get into the building.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access anger emotion due to this feeling of inadequacy within myself of feeling left out and that others don’t like me and reject me and thus they deliberately didn’t leave the door open for me because they think of me this way as not worthy and wanted me to look like a fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that the other who did not hold the door open for me did this on purpose because within my mind I immediately had a memory of others in school closing the door on me because I was seen as not cool and thus the others wanted to be mean and make me feel left out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to this person in anger and blame because I allowed a memory of rejection I took personally direct me in this moment, and thus go into an anger reaction towards them immediately without seeing, understand, or communicating with the other to understand the facts of what really happen and sort out the point to stop the point of blame and emotion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for memories that are occurring within me and thus I am allowing to direct me into the physical as a point of seeing the other to blame.


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Day 254 - "Being Taken Advantage of" to Justify My Abuse

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"when within my living I had perceived that someone has offended me or created a point of disadvantage for me were I desired something for myself or thought of myself, and I believed that another took that image or object away from me. "

Please reference this blog for further context:
Day 253 – Yelling/Beating Someone Up in My Mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe another can bring me to a disadvantage when I realize within myself that I am capable of directing myself to clearly state what it is that are my intentions as well as support myself with others to direct and help create the best scenario that can be created through taking responsibility of myself and stop putting it on others to do for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have more advantage then others where I get to reap all the rewards of something even though I don’t deserve all the rewards as others would then lose out on their equal share of the reward of what is here if I take more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inherently believe that I deserve more then others because within my mind I have created myself in a false way of being more then others through valuing myself and what I do or what I have over what other peoples do and what they have where I have defined the 'other' as always and inherently less valuable then me because I will always be the 'best'/'right'. But realize this is done in self interest as really all I want is the most of the reward I can get and so easliy create assumptions and false truths and live this as if it is the actual truth of what is in reality and how I am within it, but it's not, it was made up in my mind and never tested in reality in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind create false images of myself as more worthy based on false assumptions of who I am and who others are not living these assumptions in the truth of reality within testing it as myself and see if they for real live up, but think about it and then act on these thoughts of self interest and greed for more as if they are true so I can take what I 'believe' and thus have falsely created as what I deserve more then my fair share based on greed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become greedy within my beingness due to my addiction to what something gives me such as a feeling or an experience of importance, and so I will create lies and cheat to get more of the feeling of this experience that I am addicted to if I am not getting access to what I desire, which is more then others, the most of this feeling/experience form an object for instance and so blame others for taking what it is that is not even mine in the first place as I am taking anyways more then my fair share.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to actually face the light of reality and look at myself in how I really behave and what I really deserve within my living conditions, and test in reality if I live up to the thoughts I have of myself of grandeur and exceptional living abilities over others, and not actually live this in fact, but change it to be more advantageous for myself to thus be able to have more power from others and get more access and freedom to get what i want. 

And thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live form my mind as imagination in making myself seem more worthy then others to get more of what i desire when in reality I am equal to all and deserve no more then what is my fair share. If I require more for some reason then I can direct myself with others to receive this in equality, but taking and lying to get what i want is unacceptable as it's abusive and cause false reality to be lived and bred from which creates separation not unity.

When and as I go into my mind and start creating false beliefs and images of myself to be more then others to gain more then my fair share and justify this taking more then my fair share through lies, I stop and breath, and realize that this is simply false and made up in my mind, I will not be able to live these claims in fact, and so I am causing abusive consequences within my false claims by taking what is not mine and creating separation with others deliberately.

I commit myself to not accept myself to create false images and beliefs of myself by not participating in them when they come up through stopping engaging in them unconditionally and embrace who I am here in the physical, all of me, and work on correcting who I am in my real life, my real self, as my physical living action.

I commit to stop justifying my abusive behavior of taking more then my fair share by not allowing myself to take more then what is due to me, equaling giving to others what is here, and directing myself in equality with others so all benefit equally always in a compromise.

I commit myself to live from the physical facts of myself and how I am as life with others and perfecting this point into the real life living by stopping living from my mind and false talk and belief/thoughts.

I commit to direct myself with others in coming to compromise and finding ways to all be satisfied within what it is that i am doing and others are doing/needing.

I commit to stop my desire for more by giving to others what i have unconditionally, sharing and giving as I realize that this is giving to myself equally.

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Day 253 – Yelling/Beating Someone Up in My Mind

Here looking at how I go into my mind and express my anger towards another when within my living I had perceived that someone has offended me or created a point of disadvantage for me were I desired something for myself or thought of myself, and I believed that another took that image or object away from me. I will then calculate in my head within a quick scan of the other to see where i stand, and will then assess if i am able to win against them or not. If not, then I will go into my mind imagination and win, by yelling, screaming and even at points physically harming them through my thoughts and imaginations. Usually in these instances were I go into my mind and take my anger out it's because I feel to weak to do it in real life, like I will not be able to contend with the other and made to look like a fool or be harmed in some way by them if i dare try and confront them. I have also within myself have accumulated myself as a weak person and incapable in many instances due to taking others words towards me and gestures as personal rejections of me and thus defined myself as someone who is rejectable, or not cool, or not good enough, or just lousy and not worth hanging out with.

I will though, if I find that I am stonger then the other, this at a younger age in my life, would verablly abuse another, exploit others weakness, and say anything to get on top and become the winner. This I found I had to do because I perceived myself as the strong person, and so i had to prove this or I would then be weak and this created much fear within me because then I was less able to survive with others especially my peers and live the life I wanted to live. Weakness was unacceptable with others because as I did to those I perceived as weak, I was afraid others would exploit this weakness in me, and I would be less advantaged then I already felt within myself, which was quite unstable and vulnerable to attack by others because I did it the same. So it was a play-out of competition, winner takes all, and survival of the fittest, this way of life of complete self interest and not caring for the other I am harming caused eventually an absolute misery within me because of the hate and anger that I had accumulated towards myself and towards others, which made for a lonely living and confusion within what life was about as it was not enjoyable most times. I really had no idea who I was, and so I was listening and defining myself form out there, and out there was doing and living the same way as me defining and finding ourselves in what we wear, in how we look, in how others see us, talk to us, accept us, and how we are accepted and see ourselves, all not from reality, but from the billions of thoughts, pictures, beliefs, ideas, and memories that accumulate and collect over the years of living in such a way. In this causing misery because of the stress of living in such a struggle and ruthlessness, and thus always in fear of losing our survival and losing in life. So abuse and anger and suppression and feeling weak and scared was my living for a long period in my life, til I found desteni, and started the process of taking my power back through taking responsibility of myself, my mind, and my behavior and aligning it with equality and oneness of life here in the physical with what is real, nature, animals, and my physical change in my living to honor this.

So this playout is originated from me as a kid feeling invincible because i saw that this is the only way to get what I wanted and have respect from others around me, but this all fell to pieces like me, breaking into pieces when I was made fun of in school by other kids and I eventually accepted myself to be this weak person after a while of this being named called, and within this accepting of this point of me being someone who was weaker then others and less important/less worthy then other human beings I started to live this in my world. I would succumb to fear based on the feelings and emotions that would come up due to this public humilation, being outcasted in front of others, which if this has ever happened to you is quite horrific especially as a kid because of the dynamics that play out on school yards and such and not really knowing who we are and how to interact and communicate with each other.  So I would use my mind to get even and release this emotional built up of anger, fear, and blame somehow that was building in me as this weakened position become who I was as I was holding myself as this weakened way and believing this was who I was now as I defined myself by others and took everything as a personal attack or insult.

I blamed alot of people for this state I was in of misery and feeling weak, many people, those that were being abusive towards me calling me names in front of others kids, and those that did nothing to stick up for me or my so called friends that left me due to the stigma I had around me of now being an outcast, loser type person. I also was really angry at myself for being this way, not being able to stick up for myself because within myself i believed i was flawed, I didn't see myself as perfect compared to what others looked like, so I blamed my physical for the flaws that I precieved i had, and thus abused my physical in thought and never accepted myself within my physical because i only based me on if i could compete with others and within my current status at this point it was not happening.

I then would go into my mind and get even with others, get my revenge out, and so within this yelling, screaming, and beating people up, I accumulated allot of energy, but this was not being released, and was stuck within me, in my mind, accumulating more and more each time I thought about it or interacted within the mind playout, I was not directing it into a solution in the physical, so it was stuck in my head. Eventually to be physically exploding of me on to the other person that trigger this reaction due to something I perceived they did to me that wasn’t good.

I was blaming, taking things personal, and abusing in my mind and eventually the physical in trying to become more to get what i wanted in my life without caring how i got there or who I harmed, and allowing these thoughts, blames, fears, and suppressions to accumlate into massive outbursts of conflict and anger with others in my world that wasn't neessary and could be avoided. This could be avoided if I stopped this pattern of going in my mind and stopped it accumulating to physical consequences through directing the conflict in the moment it happen by taking responsibility of my own actions and behaviors, and coming to solutions through understanding, common sense, and equality with the others. 

Will continue in next blogs, thanks.

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Day 252 - The Vengeful Character - Resolving the Abuse Within Me with Self Forgiveness and Self Commitments

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For Further Perspective on the Vengeful Character, check out these Blogs:
Day 244 - How is Vengefulness Created within me? –Vengeful Character
Day 245 - I am An Addict - Opening Up More on Vengefulness
Day 246 - The Family Unit and the Vengeful Character
Day 247 - The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Forgiveness
Day 248 – The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Commitments to Live
Day 249 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership
Day 250 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership – Self Corrections to Live
Day 251 – Why do I want to Hit Someone? – More on the Vengeful Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go within my head and accept backchat thoughts of seeing others at fault and blaming others for taking my things without asking me, and then going into my mind and abusing them within words or actual physical actions of beating them up as imaginations playouts of harming them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to beat up others within my mind and harming them with words in my mind to make myself feel more powerful and feel better about myself because within the situation that was lived with the other in reality I felt weak and scared to face the other in the point of directing the situation with the other because I perceived myself as weaker and so used my mind to become strong again through abusing them and making them weak, but obviously this is not real and empowering my mind more then myself in me physically solving problems in stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind as a tool to abuse others because I am accepting fear to direct me into suppressing my expression in reality rather then stopping the fear and finding out the facts and resolving the situation into solution within this physical real reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed backchat thoughts of this person is so rude and annoying taking my things, they don’t listen to me and don’t respect me, how dare they just take my things, when in reality I don’t know if any of this is true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others actions towards me or my things that I am using at this moment personal and believe I am being accosted or attacked when someone has something of mine, when in reality it is just a point of another using something that I have in my possession for the moment for some reason, as I realize it's just a object and can be shared equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not resolve the issue by directing myself within the physical with the other in the moment it occurred, but rather suppress myself into myself and take my anger out on them in my mind, and then after many of these suppressions of my expressions into the mind of abuse imagination playout, I will eventually accumulate this anger to such an extent where I will blow up on them and yell and scream and may physically harm them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and cause abuse in my mind and then eventually in the physical instead of taking responsibility for my actions, stopping the fear, and directing the situation in what is best for both in the physical with the other in equality and thus into solutions.

When and as I go into a point of back chatting about another about what they have done and what I have assumed the reason this of this being done, I stop and breath, and say no, I do not know if this is true or not, I stop this backchat now, and I direct myself to find the facts from the other.

I commit myself to when I go into a backchat thought of anger in accusing another, I stop and do not participate by seeing that the consequence will be abuse to this person.

I commit to direct myself to communicate with the other and find out what the situation is, what the facts are that they took my object, and see if they really need it and when it will be available again for later use.

I commit myself to let others have things that I am not using.

I commit to let go of things that I feel like are mine and allow myself to be free of it so I can live with or without something, and thus stop the addiction to it.

When and as I go into a point of starting to accumulate anger and beating others in my mind, I flag this and breath ad stop immediately, I am now in the stages of accepting the fear and suppressing myself within abusing in my mind and imagination and I realize this will lead to outbursts in the physical were I will go into anger as abuse and harm another in word or physically.

I commit myself to see the point of fear and suppression, and not accept myself any longer doing to go into to this and allow it to direct me into not speaking up and finding the facts, but suppress myself. I direct myself to the point that I am fearing and trying to suppress, by doing what it is I fear and showing to myself that I am capable and I can move myself when necessary.

I commit myself to always push myself when this fear come up to see myself less then others and suppress myself, and direct myself to speak to that other realizing that we are equal in fact and we are both life, we both breath the same air, and that we both can communicate in stability.

I commit myself to come to solutions with the other within a point of understanding and acceptance and find solutions that will work for both through understanding the other and what the facts are to thus direct according to the best case for both as i have no self interest in usage and find what will work.

I commit myself to never again allow myself to accumulate anger in my mind, through not accepting these thoughts and image playouts any longer, and pushing myself in the physical to walk and move in the physical and stay here as breath when these moments of fear come up to suppress myself and use my mind as a punching bag for another. I stop this abusive playout in my mind and eventually into the physical.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life 
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

Day 251 – Why do I want to Hit Someone? – More on the Vengeful Character

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For Further Perspective on the Vengeful Character, check out these Blogs:
Day 244 - How is Vengefulness Created within me? –Vengeful Character
Day 245 - I am An Addict - Opening Up More on Vengefulness
Day 246 - The Family Unit and the Vengeful Character
Day 247 - The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Forgiveness
Day 248 – The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Commitments to Live
Day 249 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership
Day 250 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership – Self Corrections to Live


For a lot of my life I would suppress myself within my head, often times I would take out my anger and irritation on others within my head, calling them names, seeing them as less important then me, and even beating them up if I was mad enough all inside my mind and imagination. Eventually, though, this would come to a head usually with just a word or a gesture towards me, and I would explode like a missile to destroy. I also realized that I often accumulated within me judgments and name calling I was doing in my head towards others for most of my days, I often was participating within this, and then when I was around others, I was often fearful and on edge to see what I was experiencing within me would come out within them towards me, the anger, the irritation, the bad mouthing, and the physical violence, it was like ‘are they thinking the same as I am, do they like me, am I gong to be accepted”.

I would be easily set off based on the built up of pressure of anger and fear, getting angry at others for my own self interested reasons like not getting my way or another was saying/doing something in a voice that aggravated me, but eventually the pressure would be so much, I would explode on whoever was the one to trigger that pressure explosion that I became. I have a memory here of my sister outside, we were fighting for some reason, and in the middle of it she called me a ‘dike’, this word triggered within me this pressure release because I took it as a personal attack. I didn’t want to be called this or associated as this based on the stigma I knew with this name as a manly female, and I played hockey, so I was conscious of this within me. So right then as she finished saying this to me and I got a rush of anger throughout my body due to taking this personal, I wound up and punched her.

I didn’t realize that this was able to be controlled at this time, this anger, the rush of this energy, I just always assumed its who I am, but is it? I just always existed in this way, anger at others and irritation because I didn’t get what I wanted or was not able to live in relaxation, and then I would take my anger as revenge out onto others me living in such a volatile and unstable state to whoever was the unlucky person to set the fuse of the explosion of anger. Obviously in the instance above, I took what my sister said to me as an attack on my standing within our environment,, our world, and our family and friends, and thus I was going to fall into a point of being weak among the group as this word as dike is seen within a negative connotation as a female who is manly within that current time, so it was unacceptable within me to be called that and thus I saw it as a deliberate and personal attack on me as a person in the group. So I sought to seek revenge within this case, and based on the explosion point I let her have it with physical abuse, and did not have any holding back within my words and within my self.

The revenge was instant and the action was then immediate and it was induced based on a reaction of a rush of embarrassment, anger, and fear energy as theses emotions, and thus with these emotional combinations, I went into a mode of protection to protect my own self as my self image and defend my honor within my environment to survive and remain strong. Weakness within myself and being seen as a weaker person was out of the question, and based on living within this polarity, I used violence and abuse towards others to become empowered when I was down within my group. And for me getting these emotions of negativity to go back to good feelings, back to the positivity, I had to get myself back to the top no matter what and I used mymind to get there rather then the reality that I was facing as me.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

Day 250 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership – Self Corrections to Live

Photo Source

For Further Perspective on the Vengeful Character, check out these Blogs:
Day 244 - How is Vengefulness Created within me? –Vengeful Character
Day 245 - I am An Addict - Opening Up More on Vengefulness
Day 246 - The Family Unit and the Vengeful Character
Day 247 - The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Forgiveness
Day 248 – The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Commitments to Live
Day 249 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership

When and as I go into a possession point with stuff that is currently mine and become reactive if another takes or uses my things, I stop and breath, and realize that what I have or is mine is not only mine, but is something I am using within moments in my living, when I am not using them or another would like to use them, I can share this and thus if someone takes, then direct the person to ask first to make sure it is not already being used.

I commit myself to let go of the desire to possess my things and thus stop myself from going into reaction if another takes something that I am using.

I commit myself to not accept reactions within anger and irritation towards others if they happen to take something that is mine, and find out the why they took it and direct them into a solution that will work for both after I have stopped my reaction through breath I engage.

I commit myself to stop desiring to own my stuff and thus not allow others to use it without a reaction, so I commit to share my stuff when I am not using it or another requires it in all instances.

I commit to work out directions beforehand so the consequences are understood and thus live up to them as well.

When and as I go into a back chat thought when I find that another took my things without asking permission of ‘their so inconsiderate and rude’, I stop and breath, and realize that this is purely a point of blame to not have to face my responsibility of sharing my things and allowing others to freely use it without fear.

I commit myself to when this backchat thought comes up, stop it through breathing, and go to the person and find out what happen, and work out a point of solution or speak common sense so they understand the consequences of what they did and how to best go about getting things from me in the future so the point is cleared.

I commit myself to let go of fear within losing this item and give the item to those that need to use it and if something breaks, then find a solution and direct it with common sense such as have the other replace it or make a plan with the other who broke it to get another one, or let it go.

When and as I go into assumption and anger based on another taking my things and becoming spiteful towards them due to accepting this fear of loss of money that was spent, I stop and breath, and realize the item has equal value with the life I communicating with, and thus I realize I must stop money from dictating how I will react and thus live from a point of equality in hearing all sides and coming to a decision in stability within myself with and towards others.

I commit to let go of the fear of losing an object that is worth a lot of money, by realizing these things happen and either replacing it or buy something that is not so expensive.

I commit to use common sense within what I buy and not buy things based on the money worth of it, but practical reasons.

I commit to stop abusing others based on my fears of lose if they take or break something that was mine, I commit to to stop my fear of lose by thus giving as i would like to receive.

When and as I find that I am going into a possession within a feeling experience with an object and make it more valuable and important then the physical reality here I am living in, I stop and breath, and give up the item for a length of time and write about the point of why I am becoming so addicted to it, what am I not giving myself that I am getting within becoming obsessed with this item, and correct the point to align with life for real in the physical.

I commit myself to let go of the feeling of excitement and goodness when I am using an item I possess and enjoy through letting it go for a while until I am no more moved by feelings of possession.

I commit to walk the usage of the object based on it’s practical function, and not participate in energy experiences towards it through breathing,

I commit to stop defining myself by what I have and start living who I am here, seeing all here as extensions of myself and living among them in the best way possible, creating myself into the optimum I can be by using these objects as what they were designed for rather then using them to feel good and sharing with life as I would want for myself.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki