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Showing posts with label sharing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sharing. Show all posts
Thursday, July 12, 2018
Monday, December 2, 2013
Walking from Desires to Agreements - Day 357
A point came up tonight where I had to really look at the starting point of something that I desired quite strongly, and within myself I saw when I was met with opposition to my desire by another in my world, I went into an immediate point of defense and protection. It’s the same as like putting up a shield of armor and doing battle with an opposing army, that is what the experience and feeling feels like within my body the moment I see I will not be able to fulfill my desires as I had planned and expected.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come into a decision point within my life with another in a point of resistance and expectation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to be able to do what I want and planned for it to go my way without hearing the others point of view.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use manipulation within myself towards others to get my desires met at any cost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live principled within each breath, but have my self interest come first and do harm onto another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of resistance and defense when I found my desires being questioned and so potentially not being fulfilled.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the energy of the picture in my mind of me having my desires met with my will of manipulation before even speaking and hearing what the other had to say.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be right and so have the final say.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the desires within my self interest way of living rather then letting it go and standing as an equal with others and hearing them and considering them equal to how I would want them to hear and consider me.
When and as I see I am going into manipulation to get what I want I stop and breath, and realize that this will only in the end cause self compromise cause I am fighting and manipulating against myself, and so will not come to agreements with others because it’s impossible if I don’t see them as me and so treat them as an equal as how I would want them to treat me.
When and as I see I go into the mind into a desire through a picture, scene, or imagination, I stop and breath, and realize that this is going into the mind dimensions and I am not taking the physical reality into consideration as I am not here within the conversation that is being addressed.
I commit myself to breath when I see this playout of imagination or pictures come up and stop participating.
I commit to stop the point of trying to prove my point or manipulate the situation or the others to get my way.
I commit to hear the other and self honestly consider the others words and perspective equal to myself and decide according to all the information gathered on how I will proceed.
I commit to come to agreements with all parties involved where there is an observed consideration by all and all are heard, and so all come to a decision that is agreed upon after deliberation that is best for all.
Through the tools I have been walking with desteni, they have supported me in stopping this point of going into the self centered actions of trying to move reality to favor me through manipulation and passive force, and learned the act of considering others as my equal. Within this point that was brought up tonight, I was able to after a few moments of seeing the desire increase and the potential for reaction towards the other start to accumulate, I stopped myself and looked at the whole playout of what I was doing within myself and what the other was saying and expressing within him, and found I was able to release these desires and actually hear what the other was communicating towards me about the reasons he objected. And so I was able to, say in a quantum moment, look at the consequences of what the different outflow potentials that were able to occur and so I then could see the direction that was best by opening myself to all the factors and deciding and directing myself in the moment based on the principles I am living, one and equal with all beings in my environment. So it’s cool that with a shift in perspective and priorities, opening myself up to more of what reality is showing me, and choosing the direction within myself I will take after consideration of the real time assessment in the moment, I am able to change myself in real time to stop my desires to be selfish and consider another as an equal part of my world and make a decision based on this equality and understanding.
We came to an agreement about the point I desired, and it was done, no emotions where used, we did look at the emotions though and address them, but it was within a point of self correction and not used in a point of manipulation. So I see I am starting to integrate more into a reality based communication with others in taking the desires and emotional experiences out of the daily occurrences that happen in my life, and make effective agreements based on all the information that is gathered with all the people and factors involved through a decision to do this in fact within myself in the moment it is happening. This making for a peaceful transition from self centered desires to a reality based decision, and working with the physical world around me and the people within it as equal contributors to the final agreement that has to be made. Making for less friction and conflict free living environment because all are considered and all had the chance for an equal say. It’s not an easy thing to give up desires at first, but once I have seen the benefit of this through seeing my world becoming more peaceful and efficient, I have to ask myself the question ‘what took me so long?’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come into a decision point within my life with another in a point of resistance and expectation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to be able to do what I want and planned for it to go my way without hearing the others point of view.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use manipulation within myself towards others to get my desires met at any cost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live principled within each breath, but have my self interest come first and do harm onto another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of resistance and defense when I found my desires being questioned and so potentially not being fulfilled.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the energy of the picture in my mind of me having my desires met with my will of manipulation before even speaking and hearing what the other had to say.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be right and so have the final say.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the desires within my self interest way of living rather then letting it go and standing as an equal with others and hearing them and considering them equal to how I would want them to hear and consider me.
When and as I see I am going into manipulation to get what I want I stop and breath, and realize that this will only in the end cause self compromise cause I am fighting and manipulating against myself, and so will not come to agreements with others because it’s impossible if I don’t see them as me and so treat them as an equal as how I would want them to treat me.
When and as I see I go into the mind into a desire through a picture, scene, or imagination, I stop and breath, and realize that this is going into the mind dimensions and I am not taking the physical reality into consideration as I am not here within the conversation that is being addressed.
I commit myself to breath when I see this playout of imagination or pictures come up and stop participating.
I commit to stop the point of trying to prove my point or manipulate the situation or the others to get my way.
I commit to hear the other and self honestly consider the others words and perspective equal to myself and decide according to all the information gathered on how I will proceed.
I commit to come to agreements with all parties involved where there is an observed consideration by all and all are heard, and so all come to a decision that is agreed upon after deliberation that is best for all.
Through the tools I have been walking with desteni, they have supported me in stopping this point of going into the self centered actions of trying to move reality to favor me through manipulation and passive force, and learned the act of considering others as my equal. Within this point that was brought up tonight, I was able to after a few moments of seeing the desire increase and the potential for reaction towards the other start to accumulate, I stopped myself and looked at the whole playout of what I was doing within myself and what the other was saying and expressing within him, and found I was able to release these desires and actually hear what the other was communicating towards me about the reasons he objected. And so I was able to, say in a quantum moment, look at the consequences of what the different outflow potentials that were able to occur and so I then could see the direction that was best by opening myself to all the factors and deciding and directing myself in the moment based on the principles I am living, one and equal with all beings in my environment. So it’s cool that with a shift in perspective and priorities, opening myself up to more of what reality is showing me, and choosing the direction within myself I will take after consideration of the real time assessment in the moment, I am able to change myself in real time to stop my desires to be selfish and consider another as an equal part of my world and make a decision based on this equality and understanding.
We came to an agreement about the point I desired, and it was done, no emotions where used, we did look at the emotions though and address them, but it was within a point of self correction and not used in a point of manipulation. So I see I am starting to integrate more into a reality based communication with others in taking the desires and emotional experiences out of the daily occurrences that happen in my life, and make effective agreements based on all the information that is gathered with all the people and factors involved through a decision to do this in fact within myself in the moment it is happening. This making for a peaceful transition from self centered desires to a reality based decision, and working with the physical world around me and the people within it as equal contributors to the final agreement that has to be made. Making for less friction and conflict free living environment because all are considered and all had the chance for an equal say. It’s not an easy thing to give up desires at first, but once I have seen the benefit of this through seeing my world becoming more peaceful and efficient, I have to ask myself the question ‘what took me so long?’
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Sunday, March 17, 2013
Day 254 - "Being Taken Advantage of" to Justify My Abuse
"when within my living I had perceived that someone has offended me or created a point of disadvantage for me were I desired something for myself or thought of myself, and I believed that another took that image or object away from me. "
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to actually face the light of reality and look at myself in how I really behave and what I really deserve within my living conditions, and test in reality if I live up to the thoughts I have of myself of grandeur and exceptional living abilities over others, and not actually live this in fact, but change it to be more advantageous for myself to thus be able to have more power from others and get more access and freedom to get what i want.
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Day 253 – Yelling/Beating Someone Up in My Mind
Day 253 – Yelling/Beating Someone Up in My Mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe another can bring me to a disadvantage when I realize within myself that I am capable of directing myself to clearly state what it is that are my intentions as well as support myself with others to direct and help create the best scenario that can be created through taking responsibility of myself and stop putting it on others to do for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have more advantage then others where I get to reap all the rewards of something even though I don’t deserve all the rewards as others would then lose out on their equal share of the reward of what is here if I take more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inherently believe that I deserve more then others because within my mind I have created myself in a false way of being more then others through valuing myself and what I do or what I have over what other peoples do and what they have where I have defined the 'other' as always and inherently less valuable then me because I will always be the 'best'/'right'. But realize this is done in self interest as really all I want is the most of the reward I can get and so easliy create assumptions and false truths and live this as if it is the actual truth of what is in reality and how I am within it, but it's not, it was made up in my mind and never tested in reality in fact.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind create false images of myself as more worthy based on false assumptions of who I am and who others are not living these assumptions in the truth of reality within testing it as myself and see if they for real live up, but think about it and then act on these thoughts of self interest and greed for more as if they are true so I can take what I 'believe' and thus have falsely created as what I deserve more then my fair share based on greed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have more advantage then others where I get to reap all the rewards of something even though I don’t deserve all the rewards as others would then lose out on their equal share of the reward of what is here if I take more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inherently believe that I deserve more then others because within my mind I have created myself in a false way of being more then others through valuing myself and what I do or what I have over what other peoples do and what they have where I have defined the 'other' as always and inherently less valuable then me because I will always be the 'best'/'right'. But realize this is done in self interest as really all I want is the most of the reward I can get and so easliy create assumptions and false truths and live this as if it is the actual truth of what is in reality and how I am within it, but it's not, it was made up in my mind and never tested in reality in fact.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind create false images of myself as more worthy based on false assumptions of who I am and who others are not living these assumptions in the truth of reality within testing it as myself and see if they for real live up, but think about it and then act on these thoughts of self interest and greed for more as if they are true so I can take what I 'believe' and thus have falsely created as what I deserve more then my fair share based on greed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become greedy within my beingness due to my addiction to what something gives me such as a feeling or an experience of importance, and so I will create lies and cheat to get more of the feeling of this experience that I am addicted to if I am not getting access to what I desire, which is more then others, the most of this feeling/experience form an object for instance and so blame others for taking what it is that is not even mine in the first place as I am taking anyways more then my fair share.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to actually face the light of reality and look at myself in how I really behave and what I really deserve within my living conditions, and test in reality if I live up to the thoughts I have of myself of grandeur and exceptional living abilities over others, and not actually live this in fact, but change it to be more advantageous for myself to thus be able to have more power from others and get more access and freedom to get what i want.
And thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live form my mind as imagination in making myself seem more worthy then others to get more of what i desire when in reality I am equal to all and deserve no more then what is my fair share. If I require more for some reason then I can direct myself with others to receive this in equality, but taking and lying to get what i want is unacceptable as it's abusive and cause false reality to be lived and bred from which creates separation not unity.
When and as I go into my mind and start creating false beliefs and images of myself to be more then others to gain more then my fair share and justify this taking more then my fair share through lies, I stop and breath, and realize that this is simply false and made up in my mind, I will not be able to live these claims in fact, and so I am causing abusive consequences within my false claims by taking what is not mine and creating separation with others deliberately.
I commit myself to not accept myself to create false images and beliefs of myself by not participating in them when they come up through stopping engaging in them unconditionally and embrace who I am here in the physical, all of me, and work on correcting who I am in my real life, my real self, as my physical living action.
I commit to stop justifying my abusive behavior of taking more then my fair share by not allowing myself to take more then what is due to me, equaling giving to others what is here, and directing myself in equality with others so all benefit equally always in a compromise.
I commit myself to live from the physical facts of myself and how I am as life with others and perfecting this point into the real life living by stopping living from my mind and false talk and belief/thoughts.
When and as I go into my mind and start creating false beliefs and images of myself to be more then others to gain more then my fair share and justify this taking more then my fair share through lies, I stop and breath, and realize that this is simply false and made up in my mind, I will not be able to live these claims in fact, and so I am causing abusive consequences within my false claims by taking what is not mine and creating separation with others deliberately.
I commit myself to not accept myself to create false images and beliefs of myself by not participating in them when they come up through stopping engaging in them unconditionally and embrace who I am here in the physical, all of me, and work on correcting who I am in my real life, my real self, as my physical living action.
I commit to stop justifying my abusive behavior of taking more then my fair share by not allowing myself to take more then what is due to me, equaling giving to others what is here, and directing myself in equality with others so all benefit equally always in a compromise.
I commit myself to live from the physical facts of myself and how I am as life with others and perfecting this point into the real life living by stopping living from my mind and false talk and belief/thoughts.
I commit to direct myself with others in coming to compromise and finding ways to all be satisfied within what it is that i am doing and others are doing/needing.
I commit to stop my desire for more by giving to others what i have unconditionally, sharing and giving as I realize that this is giving to myself equally.
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Saturday, March 16, 2013
Day 253 – Yelling/Beating Someone Up in My Mind
Here looking at how I go into my mind and express my anger towards another when within my living I had perceived that someone has offended me or created a point of disadvantage for me were I desired something for myself or thought of myself, and I believed that another took that image or object away from me. I will then calculate in my head within a quick scan of the other to see where i stand, and will then assess if i am able to win against them or not. If not, then I will go into my mind imagination and win, by yelling, screaming and even at points physically harming them through my thoughts and imaginations. Usually in these instances were I go into my mind and take my anger out it's because I feel to weak to do it in real life, like I will not be able to contend with the other and made to look like a fool or be harmed in some way by them if i dare try and confront them. I have also within myself have accumulated myself as a weak person and incapable in many instances due to taking others words towards me and gestures as personal rejections of me and thus defined myself as someone who is rejectable, or not cool, or not good enough, or just lousy and not worth hanging out with.
I will though, if I find that I am stonger then the other, this at a younger age in my life, would verablly abuse another, exploit others weakness, and say anything to get on top and become the winner. This I found I had to do because I perceived myself as the strong person, and so i had to prove this or I would then be weak and this created much fear within me because then I was less able to survive with others especially my peers and live the life I wanted to live. Weakness was unacceptable with others because as I did to those I perceived as weak, I was afraid others would exploit this weakness in me, and I would be less advantaged then I already felt within myself, which was quite unstable and vulnerable to attack by others because I did it the same. So it was a play-out of competition, winner takes all, and survival of the fittest, this way of life of complete self interest and not caring for the other I am harming caused eventually an absolute misery within me because of the hate and anger that I had accumulated towards myself and towards others, which made for a lonely living and confusion within what life was about as it was not enjoyable most times. I really had no idea who I was, and so I was listening and defining myself form out there, and out there was doing and living the same way as me defining and finding ourselves in what we wear, in how we look, in how others see us, talk to us, accept us, and how we are accepted and see ourselves, all not from reality, but from the billions of thoughts, pictures, beliefs, ideas, and memories that accumulate and collect over the years of living in such a way. In this causing misery because of the stress of living in such a struggle and ruthlessness, and thus always in fear of losing our survival and losing in life. So abuse and anger and suppression and feeling weak and scared was my living for a long period in my life, til I found desteni, and started the process of taking my power back through taking responsibility of myself, my mind, and my behavior and aligning it with equality and oneness of life here in the physical with what is real, nature, animals, and my physical change in my living to honor this.
So this playout is originated from me as a kid feeling invincible because i saw that this is the only way to get what I wanted and have respect from others around me, but this all fell to pieces like me, breaking into pieces when I was made fun of in school by other kids and I eventually accepted myself to be this weak person after a while of this being named called, and within this accepting of this point of me being someone who was weaker then others and less important/less worthy then other human beings I started to live this in my world. I would succumb to fear based on the feelings and emotions that would come up due to this public humilation, being outcasted in front of others, which if this has ever happened to you is quite horrific especially as a kid because of the dynamics that play out on school yards and such and not really knowing who we are and how to interact and communicate with each other. So I would use my mind to get even and release this emotional built up of anger, fear, and blame somehow that was building in me as this weakened position become who I was as I was holding myself as this weakened way and believing this was who I was now as I defined myself by others and took everything as a personal attack or insult.
I blamed alot of people for this state I was in of misery and feeling weak, many people, those that were being abusive towards me calling me names in front of others kids, and those that did nothing to stick up for me or my so called friends that left me due to the stigma I had around me of now being an outcast, loser type person. I also was really angry at myself for being this way, not being able to stick up for myself because within myself i believed i was flawed, I didn't see myself as perfect compared to what others looked like, so I blamed my physical for the flaws that I precieved i had, and thus abused my physical in thought and never accepted myself within my physical because i only based me on if i could compete with others and within my current status at this point it was not happening.
I then would go into my mind and get even with others, get my revenge out, and so within this yelling, screaming, and beating people up, I accumulated allot of energy, but this was not being released, and was stuck within me, in my mind, accumulating more and more each time I thought about it or interacted within the mind playout, I was not directing it into a solution in the physical, so it was stuck in my head. Eventually to be physically exploding of me on to the other person that trigger this reaction due to something I perceived they did to me that wasn’t good.
I was blaming, taking things personal, and abusing in my mind and eventually the physical in trying to become more to get what i wanted in my life without caring how i got there or who I harmed, and allowing these thoughts, blames, fears, and suppressions to accumlate into massive outbursts of conflict and anger with others in my world that wasn't neessary and could be avoided. This could be avoided if I stopped this pattern of going in my mind and stopped it accumulating to physical consequences through directing the conflict in the moment it happen by taking responsibility of my own actions and behaviors, and coming to solutions through understanding, common sense, and equality with the others.
I was blaming, taking things personal, and abusing in my mind and eventually the physical in trying to become more to get what i wanted in my life without caring how i got there or who I harmed, and allowing these thoughts, blames, fears, and suppressions to accumlate into massive outbursts of conflict and anger with others in my world that wasn't neessary and could be avoided. This could be avoided if I stopped this pattern of going in my mind and stopped it accumulating to physical consequences through directing the conflict in the moment it happen by taking responsibility of my own actions and behaviors, and coming to solutions through understanding, common sense, and equality with the others.
Will continue in next blogs, thanks.
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Art Photo By: Kelly Posey
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Day 252 - The Vengeful Character - Resolving the Abuse Within Me with Self Forgiveness and Self Commitments
For Further Perspective on the Vengeful Character, check out these Blogs:
Day 244 - How is Vengefulness Created within me? –Vengeful Character
Day 245 - I am An Addict - Opening Up More on Vengefulness
Day 246 - The Family Unit and the Vengeful Character
Day 247 - The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Forgiveness
Day 248 – The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Commitments to Live
Day 249 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership
Day 250 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership – Self Corrections to Live
Day 251 – Why do I want to Hit Someone? – More on the Vengeful Character
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to beat up others within my mind and harming them with words in my mind to make myself feel more powerful and feel better about myself because within the situation that was lived with the other in reality I felt weak and scared to face the other in the point of directing the situation with the other because I perceived myself as weaker and so used my mind to become strong again through abusing them and making them weak, but obviously this is not real and empowering my mind more then myself in me physically solving problems in stability.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind as a tool to abuse others because I am accepting fear to direct me into suppressing my expression in reality rather then stopping the fear and finding out the facts and resolving the situation into solution within this physical real reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed backchat thoughts of this person is so rude and annoying taking my things, they don’t listen to me and don’t respect me, how dare they just take my things, when in reality I don’t know if any of this is true.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others actions towards me or my things that I am using at this moment personal and believe I am being accosted or attacked when someone has something of mine, when in reality it is just a point of another using something that I have in my possession for the moment for some reason, as I realize it's just a object and can be shared equally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not resolve the issue by directing myself within the physical with the other in the moment it occurred, but rather suppress myself into myself and take my anger out on them in my mind, and then after many of these suppressions of my expressions into the mind of abuse imagination playout, I will eventually accumulate this anger to such an extent where I will blow up on them and yell and scream and may physically harm them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and cause abuse in my mind and then eventually in the physical instead of taking responsibility for my actions, stopping the fear, and directing the situation in what is best for both in the physical with the other in equality and thus into solutions.
When and as I go into a point of back chatting about another about what they have done and what I have assumed the reason this of this being done, I stop and breath, and say no, I do not know if this is true or not, I stop this backchat now, and I direct myself to find the facts from the other.
I commit myself to when I go into a backchat thought of anger in accusing another, I stop and do not participate by seeing that the consequence will be abuse to this person.
I commit to direct myself to communicate with the other and find out what the situation is, what the facts are that they took my object, and see if they really need it and when it will be available again for later use.
I commit myself to let others have things that I am not using.
I commit to let go of things that I feel like are mine and allow myself to be free of it so I can live with or without something, and thus stop the addiction to it.
When and as I go into a point of starting to accumulate anger and beating others in my mind, I flag this and breath ad stop immediately, I am now in the stages of accepting the fear and suppressing myself within abusing in my mind and imagination and I realize this will lead to outbursts in the physical were I will go into anger as abuse and harm another in word or physically.
I commit myself to see the point of fear and suppression, and not accept myself any longer doing to go into to this and allow it to direct me into not speaking up and finding the facts, but suppress myself. I direct myself to the point that I am fearing and trying to suppress, by doing what it is I fear and showing to myself that I am capable and I can move myself when necessary.
I commit myself to always push myself when this fear come up to see myself less then others and suppress myself, and direct myself to speak to that other realizing that we are equal in fact and we are both life, we both breath the same air, and that we both can communicate in stability.
I commit myself to come to solutions with the other within a point of understanding and acceptance and find solutions that will work for both through understanding the other and what the facts are to thus direct according to the best case for both as i have no self interest in usage and find what will work.
I commit myself to never again allow myself to accumulate anger in my mind, through not accepting these thoughts and image playouts any longer, and pushing myself in the physical to walk and move in the physical and stay here as breath when these moments of fear come up to suppress myself and use my mind as a punching bag for another. I stop this abusive playout in my mind and eventually into the physical.
For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Day 251 – Why do I want to Hit Someone? – More on the Vengeful Character
For Further Perspective on the Vengeful Character, check out these Blogs:
Day 244 - How is Vengefulness Created within me? –Vengeful Character
Day 245 - I am An Addict - Opening Up More on Vengefulness
Day 246 - The Family Unit and the Vengeful Character
Day 247 - The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Forgiveness
Day 248 – The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Commitments to Live
Day 249 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership
Day 250 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership – Self Corrections to Live
For a lot of my life I would suppress myself within my head, often times I would take out my anger and irritation on others within my head, calling them names, seeing them as less important then me, and even beating them up if I was mad enough all inside my mind and imagination. Eventually, though, this would come to a head usually with just a word or a gesture towards me, and I would explode like a missile to destroy. I also realized that I often accumulated within me judgments and name calling I was doing in my head towards others for most of my days, I often was participating within this, and then when I was around others, I was often fearful and on edge to see what I was experiencing within me would come out within them towards me, the anger, the irritation, the bad mouthing, and the physical violence, it was like ‘are they thinking the same as I am, do they like me, am I gong to be accepted”.
I would be easily set off based on the built up of pressure of anger and fear, getting angry at others for my own self interested reasons like not getting my way or another was saying/doing something in a voice that aggravated me, but eventually the pressure would be so much, I would explode on whoever was the one to trigger that pressure explosion that I became. I have a memory here of my sister outside, we were fighting for some reason, and in the middle of it she called me a ‘dike’, this word triggered within me this pressure release because I took it as a personal attack. I didn’t want to be called this or associated as this based on the stigma I knew with this name as a manly female, and I played hockey, so I was conscious of this within me. So right then as she finished saying this to me and I got a rush of anger throughout my body due to taking this personal, I wound up and punched her.
I didn’t realize that this was able to be controlled at this time, this anger, the rush of this energy, I just always assumed its who I am, but is it? I just always existed in this way, anger at others and irritation because I didn’t get what I wanted or was not able to live in relaxation, and then I would take my anger as revenge out onto others me living in such a volatile and unstable state to whoever was the unlucky person to set the fuse of the explosion of anger. Obviously in the instance above, I took what my sister said to me as an attack on my standing within our environment,, our world, and our family and friends, and thus I was going to fall into a point of being weak among the group as this word as dike is seen within a negative connotation as a female who is manly within that current time, so it was unacceptable within me to be called that and thus I saw it as a deliberate and personal attack on me as a person in the group. So I sought to seek revenge within this case, and based on the explosion point I let her have it with physical abuse, and did not have any holding back within my words and within my self.
The revenge was instant and the action was then immediate and it was induced based on a reaction of a rush of embarrassment, anger, and fear energy as theses emotions, and thus with these emotional combinations, I went into a mode of protection to protect my own self as my self image and defend my honor within my environment to survive and remain strong. Weakness within myself and being seen as a weaker person was out of the question, and based on living within this polarity, I used violence and abuse towards others to become empowered when I was down within my group. And for me getting these emotions of negativity to go back to good feelings, back to the positivity, I had to get myself back to the top no matter what and I used mymind to get there rather then the reality that I was facing as me.
For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki
Day 244 - How is Vengefulness Created within me? –Vengeful Character
Day 245 - I am An Addict - Opening Up More on Vengefulness
Day 246 - The Family Unit and the Vengeful Character
Day 247 - The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Forgiveness
Day 248 – The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Commitments to Live
Day 249 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership
Day 250 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership – Self Corrections to Live
For a lot of my life I would suppress myself within my head, often times I would take out my anger and irritation on others within my head, calling them names, seeing them as less important then me, and even beating them up if I was mad enough all inside my mind and imagination. Eventually, though, this would come to a head usually with just a word or a gesture towards me, and I would explode like a missile to destroy. I also realized that I often accumulated within me judgments and name calling I was doing in my head towards others for most of my days, I often was participating within this, and then when I was around others, I was often fearful and on edge to see what I was experiencing within me would come out within them towards me, the anger, the irritation, the bad mouthing, and the physical violence, it was like ‘are they thinking the same as I am, do they like me, am I gong to be accepted”.
I would be easily set off based on the built up of pressure of anger and fear, getting angry at others for my own self interested reasons like not getting my way or another was saying/doing something in a voice that aggravated me, but eventually the pressure would be so much, I would explode on whoever was the one to trigger that pressure explosion that I became. I have a memory here of my sister outside, we were fighting for some reason, and in the middle of it she called me a ‘dike’, this word triggered within me this pressure release because I took it as a personal attack. I didn’t want to be called this or associated as this based on the stigma I knew with this name as a manly female, and I played hockey, so I was conscious of this within me. So right then as she finished saying this to me and I got a rush of anger throughout my body due to taking this personal, I wound up and punched her.
I didn’t realize that this was able to be controlled at this time, this anger, the rush of this energy, I just always assumed its who I am, but is it? I just always existed in this way, anger at others and irritation because I didn’t get what I wanted or was not able to live in relaxation, and then I would take my anger as revenge out onto others me living in such a volatile and unstable state to whoever was the unlucky person to set the fuse of the explosion of anger. Obviously in the instance above, I took what my sister said to me as an attack on my standing within our environment,, our world, and our family and friends, and thus I was going to fall into a point of being weak among the group as this word as dike is seen within a negative connotation as a female who is manly within that current time, so it was unacceptable within me to be called that and thus I saw it as a deliberate and personal attack on me as a person in the group. So I sought to seek revenge within this case, and based on the explosion point I let her have it with physical abuse, and did not have any holding back within my words and within my self.
The revenge was instant and the action was then immediate and it was induced based on a reaction of a rush of embarrassment, anger, and fear energy as theses emotions, and thus with these emotional combinations, I went into a mode of protection to protect my own self as my self image and defend my honor within my environment to survive and remain strong. Weakness within myself and being seen as a weaker person was out of the question, and based on living within this polarity, I used violence and abuse towards others to become empowered when I was down within my group. And for me getting these emotions of negativity to go back to good feelings, back to the positivity, I had to get myself back to the top no matter what and I used mymind to get there rather then the reality that I was facing as me.
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Day 250 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership – Self Corrections to Live
For Further Perspective on the Vengeful Character, check out these Blogs:
Day 244 - How is Vengefulness Created within me? –Vengeful Character
Day 245 - I am An Addict - Opening Up More on Vengefulness
Day 246 - The Family Unit and the Vengeful Character
Day 247 - The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Forgiveness
Day 248 – The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Commitments to Live
Day 249 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership
Day 244 - How is Vengefulness Created within me? –Vengeful Character
Day 245 - I am An Addict - Opening Up More on Vengefulness
Day 246 - The Family Unit and the Vengeful Character
Day 247 - The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Forgiveness
Day 248 – The Vengeful Character – “Believing I Require Possessing” Self Commitments to Live
Day 249 – The Vengeful Character – Ownership
I commit myself to let go of the desire to possess my things and thus stop myself from going into reaction if another takes something that I am using.
I commit myself to not accept reactions within anger and irritation towards others if they happen to take something that is mine, and find out the why they took it and direct them into a solution that will work for both after I have stopped my reaction through breath I engage.
I commit myself to stop desiring to own my stuff and thus not allow others to use it without a reaction, so I commit to share my stuff when I am not using it or another requires it in all instances.
I commit to work out directions beforehand so the consequences are understood and thus live up to them as well.
When and as I go into a back chat thought when I find that another took my things without asking permission of ‘their so inconsiderate and rude’, I stop and breath, and realize that this is purely a point of blame to not have to face my responsibility of sharing my things and allowing others to freely use it without fear.
I commit myself to when this backchat thought comes up, stop it through breathing, and go to the person and find out what happen, and work out a point of solution or speak common sense so they understand the consequences of what they did and how to best go about getting things from me in the future so the point is cleared.
I commit myself to let go of fear within losing this item and give the item to those that need to use it and if something breaks, then find a solution and direct it with common sense such as have the other replace it or make a plan with the other who broke it to get another one, or let it go.
When and as I go into assumption and anger based on another taking my things and becoming spiteful towards them due to accepting this fear of loss of money that was spent, I stop and breath, and realize the item has equal value with the life I communicating with, and thus I realize I must stop money from dictating how I will react and thus live from a point of equality in hearing all sides and coming to a decision in stability within myself with and towards others.
I commit to let go of the fear of losing an object that is worth a lot of money, by realizing these things happen and either replacing it or buy something that is not so expensive.
I commit to use common sense within what I buy and not buy things based on the money worth of it, but practical reasons.
I commit to stop abusing others based on my fears of lose if they take or break something that was mine, I commit to to stop my fear of lose by thus giving as i would like to receive.
When and as I find that I am going into a possession within a feeling experience with an object and make it more valuable and important then the physical reality here I am living in, I stop and breath, and give up the item for a length of time and write about the point of why I am becoming so addicted to it, what am I not giving myself that I am getting within becoming obsessed with this item, and correct the point to align with life for real in the physical.
I commit myself to let go of the feeling of excitement and goodness when I am using an item I possess and enjoy through letting it go for a while until I am no more moved by feelings of possession.
I commit to walk the usage of the object based on it’s practical function, and not participate in energy experiences towards it through breathing,
I commit to stop defining myself by what I have and start living who I am here, seeing all here as extensions of myself and living among them in the best way possible, creating myself into the optimum I can be by using these objects as what they were designed for rather then using them to feel good and sharing with life as I would want for myself.
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki
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