Survival Instinct Programming - Day 391

Looking at this relationship between becoming excited at another person’s demise based on the fact that within it I will benefit in some way or another. I don’t see myself within this relationship necessarily aiming to have anything ill come to another or have any form of abuse come to them, but within the point of gaining something from another’s down fall I have a relationship of guilt within it as in a way I enjoy this as I will gain something. This desire and excitement for another persons lose is a form of survival i have accepted and allowed within me, and use in times of belief that I need what the other has to survive. And in ways I see I have pushed and aided in this point of another's downfall based on my desires to succeed, win, and gain more. 

I do see that I have been in reaction towards this person for a while and this is the point where I am limiting myself as I am not bringing the point back to myself and changing my relationship to be that of support. So the point of desiring to benefit has been the reason for my compromising who I am in relation to this person causing me to feel guilty within their presence, as I see within that there is a point of competition and need to conquer. And within this desire and need to conquer the 'evil' comes out where I only exist for myself and have no real regard about what is the best way to go about supporting or directing this situation. Desire has been overriding my common sense assessment in equality to ensure what is best is lived. 

I am sure that this relationship is due to a need within me that I will not be able to get enough and so I feel that others who I judge as not as good as me, survival and self interest. So I am existing within this starting point based on valuing myself as more then others, and within this situation it is based on worth of physical skill and know how. It’s very much based on survival and existing within the dog eat dog world, and accepting survival programming to override life and living how I would want to be treated. I will continue writing on this tomorrow. Thanks.

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Day 259 – Does Survival of the Fittest Make Me A Robot? Only If I Allow It

Please reference these blogs for further context:
Day 253 – Yelling/Beating Someone Up in My Mind
Day 254 - "Being Taken Advantage of" to Justify My Abuse
Day 255 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You - Part 1
Day 256 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You – Part 1.2
Day 257 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You 1.2 Continued

Day 258 – Does Survival of the Fittest make me a Robot?

When and as I go into a point of competition in where I will go into a quick scan and comparison with another where I will see if I am able to compete within them, I stop and breath, and realize that within this I am limiting my expression based on thinking rather then living in the moment in what is best for both.

I commit myself to stop the scan and comparison until I am no longer moved by it and I am clear here in what direction I will take.

I commit myself to always consider the other as an equal to me in fact as life and stop competing.

I commit myself to breath and release the desire to win and be the best through committing myself to accept myself and let myself live in each moment without judgment.

I commit myself to stop self judgment and thus end polarity playouts within separation with life and find common ground to come to compromise or agreements.

When and as I go into fear of my survival based on the thought that I will lose and thus suppress who I am, I stop and breath, and realize that living from fear will always create more fear in my world, so I realize I must face this fear, accept it as myself, and thus then walk the correction to face the fear and change it into a living for myself. I stop the fear of others and walk with those that stand for a solution that is best for all.

I commit myself to embrace the other as myself seeing them in their shoes and walking a point of humbleness stopping all points of being more.

I commit myself to stop fear and thus stand within my self trust and acceptance, and use my standing and ability within common sense to walk solutions with others and face what is here as consequence.

When and as I go into a point of comparison with another and judge the way they look or speak, I stop and breath, and realize that this will separate me into the mind as ego seeing myself more or less based on the pictures we present, living as suppressed expression within myself in where I can gain the point of knowing another and learning about someone new instead of sabotaging the meet up due to fear.

I commit myself to not accept this comparison to direct me, where I stop paying attention to it, and do not follow it within self compromise.

I commit myself to stop and see reality for what it is, stop going into my mind to define, but see life where it is here in this life in a wholeness.

I commit myself to let go of the thoughts in the mind that we are different, and communicate and go with those I resist and face this fear.

I commit myself to push my resistances and stop limiting myself due to fear, when I go into self compromise, I breath and do not accept it by doing that which I fear in common sense assessment of course.

I commit myself to stop scanning others and see the whole of the room, all that is there rather then focusing and going into my mind.

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Day 258 – Does Survival of the Fittest make me a Robot?

“I will then calculate in my head within a quick scan of the other to see where i stand, and will then assess if i am able to win against them or not.”

Please reference these blogs for further context:
Day 253 – Yelling/Beating Someone Up in My Mind
Day 254 - "Being Taken Advantage of" to Justify My Abuse
Day 255 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You - Part 1
Day 256 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You – Part 1.2
Day 257 – Being Angry Because I am Offended By You 1.2 Continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how much I limit my self expression due to fear, fear of what others will do, say, and/or think of me, and thus I will exist within this fear in my living where I am on the defensive at all times, restricted and guarded around others due to this belief that life is a struggle and I have to compete to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within competition in my world in havingthoughts of sizing up others where in I assess within a moment whether or not I will be able to handle myself with another within a point of coming out on top with the other or feeling inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within a fear of not having anything in life, not having any support from others, and thus being alone to fend for myself where I fear not making it and dying, and thus I will limit who I am here and what I will do around others due to this potential of lose and fear that I will be at a lose if I don’t go in prepared to compete and stay on top.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an in house or inner maintenance systemwhere I keep myself in check and also be on alter through scanning and access myself and myself within and around my environment and the people in my environment, where I will only move and express myself if I have assessed that I am more strong or more capable then others due to a calculation of the others look and the way they speak and thus go into a self definition and limitation of either being stronger or weaker according to how I have assessed myself according to the others comparison, and thus live into the role complete of what I assessed creating a separation between us based on assessing and living myself and who I am from a mindreality rather then the real reality of us being equal in fact as life here in this physical existence, here in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my self expression and the expression of my life in this world as my full potential to fear because I and accepting myself only to live form feelings andenergy as these feeling experiences I have created within me rather then letting them go as they are not real, they are not who I am, and thus they do not define me, and walking into reality, real common sense assessment in equal consideration of the other, and finding solutions to what is here that will work and suit both/all that live.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my living expression be from a starting point of fear through comparison and thus create a limitation within the potential that can be here in every moment, and thus miss the opportunity for real full expression and creating with another something unique and original.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within my mind reality only seeingwhat my mind is telling me and what I am believing to be true rather then live from physical life, what is common between both, and what makes sense to create a solution that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to others through a scan and an assessment based on picture and their mannerism in a few seconds rather then be open and here in my breathin the physical, getting to know the other, who they are within their living, and walking as an equal to understand the other through the realization that we are the same, we are both life and thus live from this starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed comparison and self judgment direct me into a fear reaction with others in believing I have to defend myself to live here, when I realize that this is not the way life has to be, I can stop my fear and thus stop separating myself by living from reality, what is real and what is common, our equal value within all and making sure this world honor real life and I as myself and all life stop living from the mind in our own little bubble worlds, only thinking about our own survival and thus our own self interest, and abusing life the whole time rather then supporting it and enjoying it as equals.

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Marlen Vargas Del Razo


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Day 244 – How is Vengefulness Created within me? –Vengeful Character

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So recently I have had someone say to me that I am so vengeful, this I would not consider of myself being, but within the moments of me where I am not at my ‘best’ and thus become possessed with emotion of angerand irritation, I for sure see how I can be seen as vengeful. In the past, I would have taken this comment personal, like a slap of my face, like how dare they call me this, but now I am grateful for these because like I said before, this is not readily something I can see and am not fully aware of because in my mind I don’t want to see this, I want to see myself as great, special, and thus within this desire to win and thus have the ‘good’ life. So these are gifts to me this saying of not so proud points within my living, where they give me the opportunity to see the good, bad, and ugly of myself so to change my living in every thought, word, and deed to be the best I can be and help support this world to be the best it can be as well.

So here I look at me as vengeful, I will first look at the definition of this word:

vengeful |ˈvenjfəl|
adjective
seeking to harm someone in return for a perceived injury

So using this definition, I can more practically see what this word imply about who I am being within this vengeful character, and thus it’s based on a point of injustice I see I am facing with another, that they have wronged me and now I must get even. I can see this plays quite smoothly with the competition character I have walked in many blogs, and how I have lived most of my life in this me vs you mentality. It’s also a point of fear of loss, like if someone gets something or does something that I perceive was mine or something I should have done, I will start to accumulate this desire for revenge against them. This feeling is in my chest and rises up into my throat and head, and creates pressure in my head extensively the more I participate in it and allow the thoughts to accumulate and direct me.

I am looking at really a point of ownership I perceive myself to have over others, that what I get, what I have determined as mine or my families, is off limits to others, and if others take that which is mine then it's like this instance wtf triggers, 'why do they think they can just take what is not theirs'. But interestingly and quite slyly within myself, what I have determined as mine from others is much more loose and broad then what I allow others to be determined within what they take from me and if I took offensively. The backchat will be generated through this original thought that I accept that they are screwing me/us, the us linked to my family unit, they are taking advantage of me/us, and I will not get all that I could get if they just kept to what is theirs. So I see I go hard on them where if one point that is not working correctly in their favor, I will exploit it and make it to be a big thing and not use the equality equation, coming to solutions and treating others as I would want to be treated, but taking my revenge out on them for what I have accumulated as memories as offensives they have done to me.

It’s like an evilness comes up and out of me, like I am going to lose my survival if someone gets something over me and I lose out. I am not being self honest here because I have always gotten everything I needed, and have always had the avenues open to me to get what it is I want, and I still desire more, I still take from others what isn’t mine, I still lie to others to get out of things, I still act in ways that I would not want to be treated in such a way, and if I find another is doing this to me, there is hell to pay, theres no self honesty.

Vengefulness is a feeling of possession of anger and revenge mixed within the mind of thoughts of all I can muster to make it about the other, what they are doing to me and how I am getting screwed. Now I am going to bring it back to myself and start dismantling and disarming this character, to stabilize myself within it, and give myself the direction within commitments I make for myself to live to stop this abuse to others, and correct it within myself to be able to see others and myself as equal and walk the change that will support all equally.

To redefine vengefulness to be best for all is not practical because in it’s definition lies a separation of self into blame, and as life in oneness and equality all that remain here is self, I am all that live, and once this realized and lived for real, vengefulness will be useless and really silly because you will be doing it to yourself, which makes no sense at all. So why do I do it here, this is to be continued, but obviously because I am not living common sense.

Thanks for reading.

Day 132 – Appearance Character – Fear Dimension

Here looking at the fear dimension of the appearance character, where I go into fear based on not being accepted by others as I believe I have to be the ‘best’ within what I look like as my ‘appearance’ to be accepted by the this system, so it’s a form of survival based on defining myself and limiting myself really to the appearance of how I look. Within this fear, it is based on fear of being alone, not having resources to be able to move, and on a process level having to take responsibility of myself completely as I have allowed isolation as a way to escape to not have to face this accept of myself. So will walk some self forgiveness on these aspects of the fear dimension of keeping myself locked and limited into the appearance character as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear of not surviving due to my appearance picture not being accepted by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my appearance character will not be able to compete with other’s so thus I will not be able to survive in this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to compete in this system if I don’t have my appearance picture being able to compete and thus win against others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself based on survival and thus be directed by the mind as I instruct it to be defined by looks and looking the ‘best’ in picture as physical look, clothes, hair, make up, shoes, and thus define all other beings within these judgments of what is best, I separate myself from life as I have separated myself from myself through allowing the appearance of myself be more valued then life as me and all others around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a separation of myself as ‘I need to look best’ as the appearance character activate within and as me, and thus cause abuse within behavior and words as points such as jealousy and inferiority will activate as well as their polar opposites to thus separate me from life as what the characters of the mind where designed to do, because life is not valued based on what one look like or being the ‘best’ as this is not equality, life is equal and thus valued equal among all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my status as  the winner as within this there is the succulence of the mind energy that when one activate it, is quite addictive as the feelings of power, gaining system rewards such as fame, money, sex, and thus abdicate my right to life based on separating myself from life for these temptations that the system offer, but when one realize the limitations we have set upon ourselves, this process of self honesty and self forgiveness to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into isolation as suppression within myself as I have created the fear of not being the best, and so thus created this as such an extreme within my emotions as feeling disappointed and jealous towards the other who I se as better then me, I will hide and not want to face myself with others, so to escape avoiding the thoughts in my head that I have allowed to direct me in thinking that life is about winning and to be the best in the appearance as self is the ultimate way to get the survival I fear losing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others who I see that are more then me as I have created a fear of abuse from them as I have held onto abuse from the past, and thus defined my future from my past, repeating the same patterns of fear and isolation to not have to face these fears and really change for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change in where I have to face the thoughts that I can’t do this and I can’t be that, and thus walk through them, and live a change that supports me and assist me to be comfortable with myself and come from a starting point of the physical here as breath, stopping the thoughts from directing me as this is the point that is separating me from life here as myself, and really enjoy living, so I see thinking is the activation point, and thus needs to cease to exist by me stopping it from directing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection from others and thus being alone and thus associated this rejection to my appearance, that if I am rejected or perceive that I was rejected that this is automatically based on me not looking ‘my best’ within my appearance and thus will go into the pattern of immediate self sabotage as I will go into thoughts of ‘I am ugly’, ‘I will never attain my desires’, which is self interest as I desire to be the best and gain the power of others attention on me.

Will do self corrective statements, and then follow with the next dimension of thoughts for the appearance character. 

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fear, rejection, alone, appearance, character, dimension, behavior, psychology, fear, compete, win, best, picture perfect, system, survival of the fittest, compete to win, gladiator, desteni, 2012, bernard poolman, #teamlife, #changetheworld

Day 131- Appearance Character – Intro

Here looking at the appearance character that exist within and as me, directing and defining every moment that I breath as I have for a very long time, always looked to define myself and life by this unseen force as one of my characters I play as the appearance character, and in this created many dimensions of mind fucks that I will be walking through within the next coming blogs.

So I find one of the primary trigger points for the activation of this character, as the appearance character, is thinking. When I actually go and start thinking about the way I look and how others are perceiving me, then the thoughts accumulate and accumulate, and I go into suppression and self judgment based on accepting this belief that I am this character that has definitions, ideas, beliefs, and desires on how it is I should look, and what will be the perfect look to strive for. This belief is based on childhood and growing up with the media, friends, family, schooling, pushing consciously, subconsciously, or unconsciously, that we all are in competition with each other because we are in survival mode here to live, we have to be the best to have access to resources, to get what we need to eat, to get a job to make money, to get the guy/girl, it’s the inherent game of the survival of the fittest battle. So from birth we are bred to compete, to be the conquer, to be the dominant one, to be the smartest, to be the prettiest, to be the richest, so we can win, and thus be able to live another day and survive in this world. We have created this world were we aren’t free here, but slaves to the system as we have accepted ourselves to play into this fame with each other, and with ourselves as well.

So within this understanding, we as the beings in this survival mentality, walk within ourselves the separation of ourselves as life as equals, and compete and fight to get on top, cause if your on top, you are more guaranteed to survive, but is this really living. Obviously not, that is what the process at desteni is about, to stop ourselves from living in such a way. We are not slaves, we are not designed to compete and have to battle to survive, we don’t have to live into the seperations and comparisions that create such a hellish experience within us and without as this world DEMONstrates, there is another way. Walking the process of self honesty and self forgiveness, to stop the competition programming and the desires to be more, and simply live in the physical, as the physical within a breath movement, and correct ourselves into equality and oneness. This is not an easy path, but it’s the only way to stop the insanity of this system and the insanity that I see within myself.

So within my own expericing of this point of competition where in I activate my appearance character, I find that it is the primary points I use to judge my ‘compeition’ and judge myself to see if I stand up to the competition. In most cases, I do not stand up, so I have created many points of suppressions in my expression, self sabotage within my interactions with others, based on judging myself within who I am, and it’s subtle sabotage, where in I will see myself in a mirror, and instantly judge my hair not being as I desired it to and have created a picture in my mind as how it should be. So creating many points of self judgement on points I am finding are really irrelevant, but is necessary to walk through and stop as I change my living to be in equality with others in the physical, and not in separation from the mind’s view. 

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beauty system, beauty, model loo, appearance, appearance character, how to perfect my look, perfect body, competition, survival, slave, capitalism, survival of the fittest, desteni, 2012, journey to life