Day 295 – Self Judgment – Rejection is Not for Me

So an interesting point came up within writing about that last point of lacking self confidence and the backchat that activate this belief of myself, and this point that opened up was with the point of rejection. Within myself I have created a huge point of resistance and reaction to being rejected by a group of friends or peers because of the fact of how the emotions that would come up feel such as being humiliated, sadness, loneliness, and the belief that I am unwanted and thus uncool, and this I didn’t want to have anything to do with. To be rejected was to have to feel these feelings and have these thoughts as self judgments of myself asinferior be confirmed, which cause me to go into a state of depression because within myself there was no selfintegrity nor any self respect as I only exist within the outside looking in.

I didn’t know what these words, self integrity and self respect meant nor how to apply them in my living, I only was defining and deciding who I was based on what I thought of how others where perceiving me, was I creating myself to become a person that was acceptable for others, acceptable for the group, and thus then I could be acceptable for myself. But this obviously causing all the havoc and conflict within me because I was only defining myself as a picture, an idea in my head, and an ideal I was hoping others where going to see in me to like me. This only living form mind and from ego, learning the way of greed and competition, the way of this profit driven system to be the best looking and then have a skill, looks matter most I concluded at thattime in school, it really doesn’t matter what kind of person you are or how you treat yourself and the life around you, if I look good, I can be accepted, and then I will be happy. Really?

Little did I know the cycle of abuse that this type of conclusion would create within my life, where no self integrity, no self respect was built, thus there was no self direction, so I allowed my mind to direct me. And it directed me into the deepest and darkest places I have seen yet. Once I was finally rejected from my peer group and humiliated in front of my ‘friends’ I crashed because the world I defined as me crashed. And I created this deep anger and resentment against myself, my physical for allowing this to occur, ‘it’s my body fault, my looks, the way I stand, the way I speak that I am a loser now and this is why I have been rejected’. Never seeing, realizing, or understanding that it was me who was causing this crashed feeling in my world, me as the self judgment to my body and the way I stood and spoke, I mean I was the one bullying myself, I was judging myself, I did not require to do this to myself, my body is supporting me to live unconditionally everybreath in unison, in communion, and in defiance of the mind that I bombard it with, it’s the innocence of this that creates a great shame within me for being this way, but this is not a solution, it is a gift yes, but to stay in shame is still the same, stuck in inaction when I require action.

I must now focus on letting all this go, the judgments of myself as I have forgiven them of myself and ask for release of myself through committing to change my living into acceptance of who I am, of the life that is herein all forms, and accept the expression we all have and can enjoy of eachother forevermore, if I/we just realize we are it, we are all that is here as the gift of life, nothing has to be defined as such in a point of polarity, it doesn’t really exist anyway. We are all here, alive, breathing, and thus it takes a direction of the mind in self respect and self integrity to see this through til it is indeed done. This purpose, respect, and integrity of self is built, nurtured and lived through ones self commitments and living action of change to show it is possible, I/we can live free from our past, and create what is here as new, it just takes a breath and a decision and we are here…..its that easy, just a breath and a decision to walk in absolution, but a process to get to here.

Join us at the journey to life blogs and desteni I process lite course to start your journey to self freedom, a path worth every step. And I am eternally grateful for all those walking this with me as we bring a new world within and through ourselves.

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Day 294- Self Judgment – Backchat Breakdown – Thought #3 - Lack in Self Confidence

 

Please reference these blogs, for further context to this quote below:
Day 291 – Self Judgment – The Voice of Unreason
Day 292- Self Judgment – Back Chat Breakdown – Thought #1
Day 293 – Self Judgment – Backchat Breakdown – Thought 2

“I am too far gone for this to work out and be able to be stable with another, I am not able to stand stable, I am too fucked up to be able to have a guy be into me and have it work out.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only continue to see and recognize the past, the past as me as an abuser to myself, and not stand and stop this point forevermore as the solution I see I am walking for myself and is possible as I continue on this journey to life, self freedom in self honesty and self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by what the thoughts in my head are saying to me when in no way are they supporting me to become a human being of stability and self sufficiency - where life is lived in equality, and thus I realize this is something not to take for reality because life for real is equal and one as unconditional support, and thus I must change my starting point in thisrelationship with myself as my thoughts to align equal and one to life which is in the physical and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a disappointment within myself as being let down based on believing the mind reality of my backchat as a self defeatism outlook and thus live within my world in depression because keeping telling myself and living out that I am not as good as another, when in reality I am making this entire thing up and sabotaging myself because of fear of changing myself within this point and seeing who I am without fear by walking as self expression within this point of being with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in self sabotage and continue to follow the backchat of self defeatism based on fearing rejection and having to face the reality of being rejected by another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who are rejected by others as lower in status then those who are accepted, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, think, and interact with others in this regard as less then if they are rejected and more acceptable if they are accepted by the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my expression to fit into a group, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within self compromise to be accepted and not have to face this point of rejection, but thus live the point of devolution of self as freedom as this is in no way freedom of self as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the word failure and the experience of a lower standing then others within this point of being rejected by others, when really this is a point that is not in alignment and thus is not able to be walked at this time when I am rejected within my reality, it’s not to take it personal, but just realize it’s a point to let it be for a moment until another opportunity comes to support if I am able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with myself based on the negative experiences in my past, I realize I must let these go to move on and become here able to see me for real in my physical environment as my physical body, and direct myself in my expression as I walk and expand myself within what it means to be one and equal with life as me as I face my world in self awarenessand self responsibility to life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a perfect ideal for others to worship and praise and give me nice feelings not realizing this will create the polarity play out of the negative of myself based on the intensity of my participation within the thought, feeling, and thus living action of these play outs, and so equal and one creates the same in my world but just within opposite energies extremes, both creating the same outflow to these consequences, separation with life and separation with myself.

When and as I go into a point of desiring to resist another due to the backchat thought I am thinking of self sabotage, I stop and breath, realizing that this will create a point of self imprisonment of my own making listening to illusion as my mind in the backchat program of keeping me suppressed, and all the while suppressing my expression in the physical where instead I can be using my gifts, my communication, me living to expand and grow who I am with my world and the world at large for the outcome of what is best for all as I build this relationship within myself as myself equal and one.

I commit myself to let go of all thoughts of backchat of self sabotage through breathing and not participating in not a one of these thoughts through forgiving them, letting them go, and continue to walk as the physical, embracing me within my physical body and moving through the points I am resisting building my integrityand awareness as self trust.

I commit myself to find the solutions within the points that I fear through understanding the fear, and moving through that fear by facing it, and finding the path that will transcend it be it through my own push of self action or standing stable in a point of desire to move in energy, I remain focused on what the matter is here and that is life in what is best for all.

I commit to stop all self interest for me to be happy and gain a point of status, and so I commit to continue to walk all my breaths here in the pursuit of life in oneness and equality through and as myself as I transcend the control of the mind as the directive principle of myself to my own self direction in common sense here within and as the physical.

I commit myself to let go of the emotion of failure and disappointment within myself and stand as the realization of how far I have come, what I have changed within me, and what I can give to others to support with this change in all areas I touch and expand into as I have done this already for myself.

I give as I would like to receive, which is the way to life in freedom for all.


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Day 293 – Self Judgment – Backchat Breakdown – Thought 2

Please reference these blogs, for further context to this quote below:
Day 291 – Self Judgment – The Voice of Unreason
Day 292- Self Judgment – Back Chat Breakdown – Thought #1

‘how are we going to be able to discuss things, I am too ugly in my face and my face is deformed for him to look within my eyes long enough to like me”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my face as deformed and ugly based on my mind's eye seeing it in self judgment through creating this picture in my head based on my imaginations of how I saw myself due to being picked on in school and the ideas I had in my head of how much of a loser i am because of this.

I forgive msyelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a loser because i was picked on in school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my mind within imagination as less then and ugly and play this out in reality seeing myself less then others and inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge deformation and beauty within this world as if it is something that is inferior to other human beings, I realize this is a gross mistake and cause me to become separated from all life forms here as well as myself as we are all different in expressions equally yet all one life force here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life and then judge it as bad/good when i realize it is all here as me as self, and thus I am one and equal and thus responsible for all that is here, within and without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this idea of myself as someone who is ugly because within me I have an ideal playing out that I desire to be beautiful above others and gain more attention and praise for myself over others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life about self interest in desire to be more then others and seek attention to have good feelings about myself all the while creating this polarity play out of imagination of who I am within my mind due to defining me by my external world and reality through pictures, and not what is real here within myself and what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less capable then others based on believing this imagination play out and the moments in my mind saying in thoughts that I am this picture of imperfection, when in reality I am just a human being living in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the physical body in all and any part as separate from any other part of whole of the body and thus create a polarity as ugly/beautiful, and thus causeconflict within myself as my physical body something that is can not change and thus is not able to live up to this ideal and thus definition putting me in a path to nowhere constantly in conflict with myself and my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this backchat thought that I am ugly and deformed and thus not desire to approach or be with this potential person because I see myself as inferior and already see it ending bad because he will probably not like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this pattern of self sabotage, and thus continue to act in ways where I am creating a point of demise for myself and thus create the instances of my self sabotage by existing as backchat and listening to them through living them out by sabotage myself with others in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not go and meet the other person due to following this thought that I am not good enough for him and he will probably not like me because of the thought saying and I agree that I am so ugly and not ok looking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my thoughts instead of walking the physical with the other, what is real, what we communicate about, how we interact, what is the reality like, instead of going into a point of self defeatism before even meeting.

When and as I go into a point of seeing myself as less then others in my backchat thoughts, I stop and breath, and realize that this will lead to self sabotage and self defeatism, where I will likely avoid the situation and facing my fears and thus allow the mind to control and lose my self empowerment.

I commit myself to breath through all backchat thoughts, and walk the physical point of facing this point that I am trying to avoid, see what comes of it in reality, and allow myself to experience life and living with others.

I commit myself to stop this point of sabotaging myself by stopping the thoughts when they arise or become aware, and expressing myself openly and freely.

I commit myself to stop the self judgments of who I look and how I act, and thus allow myself to just be here and exist with others in my world.


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Day 292- Self Judgment – Back Chat Breakdown – Thought #1

Please reference this blog, for further context to this quote below:

Day 291 – Self Judgment – The Voice of Unreason

‘this is not going to work, your too all over the place, he’ll want someone more stable and calm’ 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this thought as real and thus contemplate ending any chance or interaction with this potential partner due to this thought that I am not ready, I am not someone who will be good for him, I am not stable enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what my mind was saying and follow that through potentially sabotaging the whole meet up due to fear instead of looking at my progression in the physical, how I have changed within and as my own dedication, will and action, and stopped this point of sabotage of myself with the mind that is not in fact real or fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind over my physical action, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my mind as the illusion of thoughts telling me who I am instead of standing within my own self doing and awareness of who I am by how I live and how I have changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection of this potential partner and thus create scenerios in my mind where I used in the past to sabotage myself so I don’t have to face this potential of possibly being rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind in my own self interest in the past to not have to face my fears, and thus blame the mind for what it is that I am doing as sabotaging myself instead of taking responsibility for myself and realizing it is me as the mind that has to change, I the directive principle of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to sabatoge myself and thus use and abusethese backchat thoughts of less then beleifs to do this with and make me not move and push through my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use illusions as thoughts and thus backchat thought of seeing myself less then to justify my existing in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to direct me in my living instead of directing myself in common sense and what is best for all.

When and as I see myself going into my mind and following backchat thoughts of self sabotage, I stop and breath, and realize that these thoughts are not who I am and are not real. I realize I define and thus am able to direct myself in my own awareness based on how I live in the physical and who I am within my beingness.

I commit myself to not accept this thought of ‘this is not going to work, your too all over the place, he’ll want someone more stable and calm’ to direct me by speaking this is not real it’s my backchat, and breathingthrough this thought, and walking the path of the physical, facing my fear.

I commit myself to check and see what is the point that I am abdicating to the mind by accepting this backchat thought, and bring this point through writing and correction so it stops having power over me.

I commit myself to move within physical awareness and not participate in any backchat thought that arises by not participating.

When and as I see that I am going into fear and following this backchat due to this fear, I stop and breath, and realize that fear is not who I am and I am not bound by this fear. I realize I can move beyond fear by facing it and finding the point that is able to be walked to support to stabilize myself and walk what is best for the situation.

I commit myself to move my physical body through this fear by pushing myself to face the fear, find the common ground within the points, and walk the physical solution in self honesty to support me to be stable, find this point through writing, and push myself to live it.

I commit myself to find the trigger point for this fear and push this point to face it and stop it from controlling me, and in this case stop the thoughts from directing me by focusing on what is physically real and that life is equal and one.


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Day 291 – Self Judgment – The Voice of Unreason

I was observing my mind tonight, and I have been recently looking at a potential agreement partner that I see could work, and within my mind I in the background catch phrases like ‘this is not going to work, your too all over the place, he’ll want someone more stable and calm’ and ‘how are we going to be able to discuss things, I am too ugly in my face and my face is deformed for him to look within my eyes long enough to like me” and “I am too far gone for this to work out and be able to be stable with another, I am not able to stand stable, I am too fucked up to be able to have a guy be into me and have it work out.”

So these are the backchat thoughts that I observed in a matter of about one minute within myself and I am seeing them more and more now that I am paying attention to them, they are constantly going on within the background in scenarios I am looking at where I feel anxiety or fear, and it will always be in the nature of self sabotage. So eventually this I will follow and go into the point of physical interaction with the other, and be in the back of my mind going through all these thoughts of how rotten and unattractive I am to others, causing me to eventually seek to jump ship and bounce or take on a partner or project that is less then my full potentialof what I can do due to inferiority and following this backchat of self judgment as if it is real, which it is not!

I find the most debilitating of backchat is these thoughts of my physical features and look, I have wrote before that I was made fun in the past specifically about the way I looked, and thus from this point on I always saw myself in this way, a point of vulnerability within my look that people could make fun of me for. So this carried into me always being on guard and in a defensive stance towards others, waiting and observing for the point of action where the other could possible abuse me, and me avoiding it at all costs because the pain of humiliation I dreaded. But this causing me very much to suppress and define and figure things out through my mind within the starting point of seeing me as flawed, ugly, and that I had a point of weakness that others could monopolize on. Showing how much I was within competition and desire to win and be the best, but thus lived life in misery because of this weakness I perceived I had and that others knew I had as well.

I very much hated the fact of the position I put myself in, and what the mind developed into of a really of nasty and abusive thoughts, words, pictures, and actions toward myself and eventually all others in my world. The self judgment was a fuel that kept this going the same pattern of thoughts and memories holding me into this character and it being sustained through fear of abuse, and thus I have existed in this way of self torture really for years of my life, seeking myself to be more, superior, positive experiences, but living within the less, inferior, and negative experiences of myself, never stable, never here, always in my mind in fear.

And now, I am dealing with the outflow of years of existing like this, constantly and continuously being in my head within every interaction I come into contact with, judging how others are seeing me, feeling anxious and in fear to be in front of others and possibly be abused, and it was based on the standard of perfection that I put myself into and where I wanted to be seen as within the earlier stages of my life. I didn’t want to be average, I didn’t want to be poor, I didn’t want to live of life of any kind of suffering, but wanted everything to the best of what this life had to offer concluding only existing within my own self interest, and thus defining me within only these standards, what I have and thus what I did not have.

Will continue in blogs to come.

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Day 290 – Self Judgment – “I Deserve to Suffer” – Self Commitment Statements to Live

Please reference the blog - Day 289 – Self Judgment – “I Deserve to Suffer?”, to see the self forgiveness in correlation with these self commitments. 

When and as I see myself go into the thought that ‘I am flawed, and I deserve to suffer’, I stop and breath, and realize this is a point of self manipulation to gain attention from others and not face the reality of myself as being a bully to me. I realize that I have to walk the process of letting go these self judgments within and as me so I can see myself from the physical within and as what is real as the physical and let go of the mind definitions as I realize they are not real, they are illusion, and I can and have to will this point of self definition and direction in who I am in each moment of breath.

I commit myself to let go of all the thoughts that are of a self judgment and immediately apply myself in breath to not allow the energy as depression take over and walk through the point of low that comes with self judgment.

I commit myself to remain in the physical by moving through within and as the physical body as a stable support through focusing my movements, my breath, and focusing on the fact that this is what gives me my life to live, my physical body and my breath.

I commit myself to embrace myself within all considerations and appreciate myself within the things that I walk through within a point of self-discipline and self-dedication, giving me self-praise and self-love.

I commit myself to let of the desire for perfection and focus on my physical perfection in my living, moving in the direction of this physical reality as perfection through my blogs, vlogs, and living action with self and with the group that walks this into being.

When and as I see that I go into the point of seeing it is time to abuse my physical by mentally beating on it, I stop and breath, and immediately realize and focus on the fact that this is not real, it’s coming up as thought, which is not physical and the nature of it is self harm, harming myself and physical which is unacceptable as this is what is supporting me to live.

I commit to accept all forms of the physical and thus walk the process of correcting that which is harmful to the physical and self as the physical within self honesty and self correction through self forgiveness.

I commit myself to stop all forms of judgment onto the physical and embrace that point by speaking the purpose of it here as it giving me life. For example, the eye gives sight, the heart gives flow, the breath gives life, and connecting the physical with the physical purpose of it in reality to see for real and sound for real who I am for real as the physical and that it is all support.

When and as I see I go into a point of self interest in not caring about what I do to myself or others and thus cause harm due to ignorance, I stop and breath, and realize that every action I take has an equal reaction, and thus I realize I am interconnected to everything and everyone and my actions have consequence.

I commit myself to stop and breath before I go into a point of action, becoming physically here and assessing my next step within the basis of how I would want to be treated and what will be best.

I commit to continue to walk this point of stopping my actions and breathing before I act through accessing my next action in equality and oneness until I am remain here and can direct myself in full consideration of others as myself in what is best.

I commit myself to write out all points that come up that don’t align with equality and oneness and find what the practical solution is to implement this alignment of equality with others in my world.

I commit to become humble within all my interactions with others and reap what I sow eventually which will be a humble self through and through living and pushing physical realizations in self living to all as equals as one life here.

Day 289 – Self Judgment – “I Deserve to Suffer?”

Here I am looking at this desire within this self judgment persona I have lived out for many years in my life and walking it out to transcend, I see within this I believed that I deserved this self torture I was giving to myself with the beliefs and ideas that I had something wrong with me, that I was dumb and was barely useful in anything, and that it didn’t matter if I live or was gone, I was useless and not worthy, so it was really a point of self hate. I didn’t like myself within the life I had and the body I had, and thus because of this point of hate towards myself, I allowed myself to abuse and harm my physical body through mental torture and fear. I desired a specific outcome, a specific way of life, a specific look, and thus when I was not able to achieve these things, I created the opposite, a point of suffering because I didn’t match up to my ideal and thus I was not going to live the life I wanted, and it’s my fault, it’s my bodies fault for being flawed, and this I didn’t care what happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program within myself that I deserve to suffer due to the belief that I am ‘flawed’ and cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to suffer because I was angry at the fact that I was ‘flawed’ and within this anger want to destroy that part that was causing this anger and pain in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my physical body that which allows me life for the thoughts in my head that I am flawed and thus I deserve to suffer because I am not the idea in my head as a perfect body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my physical body because of how others treated me and thus instead of seeing the comments of others as a point of insecurity on the other, I blamed my body as the reason of these comments and saw it as the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care about my own self interest and miss the others in my world in the harm and abuse I caused as conflict and spite due to existing in jealousy and comparison, and thus abusing others due to my desires for getting what I want and take my anger out on them because I didn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so blinded within my desire to be happy and thus created the absolute point of polarity as misery within my world because I could not get my self interest and thus blamed that which I could everyone else and everything else to not have to face the creator of this suffering and that would be me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create suffering within myself and my physical body, and desire myself to suffer because I believed I could get what I wanted in self interest.


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Rozelle de Lange

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