I was observing my mind tonight, and I have been recently looking at a potential agreement partner that I see could work, and within my mind I in the background catch phrases like ‘this is not going to work, your too all over the place, he’ll want someone more stable and calm’ and ‘how are we going to be able to discuss things, I am too ugly in my face and my face is deformed for him to look within my eyes long enough to like me” and “I am too far gone for this to work out and be able to be stable with another, I am not able to stand stable, I am too fucked up to be able to have a guy be into me and have it work out.”
So these are the backchat thoughts that I observed in a matter of about one minute within myself and I am seeing them more and more now that I am paying attention to them, they are constantly going on within the background in scenarios I am looking at where I feel anxiety or fear, and it will always be in the nature of self sabotage. So eventually this I will follow and go into the point of physical interaction with the other, and be in the back of my mind going through all these thoughts of how rotten and unattractive I am to others, causing me to eventually seek to jump ship and bounce or take on a partner or project that is less then my full potentialof what I can do due to inferiority and following this backchat of self judgment as if it is real, which it is not!
I find the most debilitating of backchat is these thoughts of my physical features and look, I have wrote before that I was made fun in the past specifically about the way I looked, and thus from this point on I always saw myself in this way, a point of vulnerability within my look that people could make fun of me for. So this carried into me always being on guard and in a defensive stance towards others, waiting and observing for the point of action where the other could possible abuse me, and me avoiding it at all costs because the pain of humiliation I dreaded. But this causing me very much to suppress and define and figure things out through my mind within the starting point of seeing me as flawed, ugly, and that I had a point of weakness that others could monopolize on. Showing how much I was within competition and desire to win and be the best, but thus lived life in misery because of this weakness I perceived I had and that others knew I had as well.
I very much hated the fact of the position I put myself in, and what the mind developed into of a really of nasty and abusive thoughts, words, pictures, and actions toward myself and eventually all others in my world. The self judgment was a fuel that kept this going the same pattern of thoughts and memories holding me into this character and it being sustained through fear of abuse, and thus I have existed in this way of self torture really for years of my life, seeking myself to be more, superior, positive experiences, but living within the less, inferior, and negative experiences of myself, never stable, never here, always in my mind in fear.
And now, I am dealing with the outflow of years of existing like this, constantly and continuously being in my head within every interaction I come into contact with, judging how others are seeing me, feeling anxious and in fear to be in front of others and possibly be abused, and it was based on the standard of perfection that I put myself into and where I wanted to be seen as within the earlier stages of my life. I didn’t want to be average, I didn’t want to be poor, I didn’t want to live of life of any kind of suffering, but wanted everything to the best of what this life had to offer concluding only existing within my own self interest, and thus defining me within only these standards, what I have and thus what I did not have.
Will continue in blogs to come.
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