A Lady's Journey to Life: Day 146- Stupid Character- Memory Dimension

Friday, October 5, 2012

Day 146- Stupid Character- Memory Dimension

Walking here on a portion of writing from an earlier blog, here is the list of blogs I recommend looking at for further reference:

Day 142- “Stupid” Character- Part 1 - Intro
Day 143- Stupid Character – Fear Dimension Self Forgiveness – Part 2
Day 144- Stupid Character – Survival and Competition Self Forgiveness – Part 3
Day 145- Stupid Character- Outcasted and Taking Things Personally Self Forgiveness – Part 4

So there is the fear of being outcasted due to the stigma or stereotype of being seen as a stupid person within this peer group, as I have memories of myself being called this, and thus what happened to me as being outcasted and alienated from my group of friends imprinted within me, and thus to this day I activate it as a fear of being alone/outcasted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memories of being called stupid at school and thus when ever this word is spoken in my world, I will react in a restriction based on this memory of me being called this in front of my class at the chalkboard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished and restricted when I hear the word stupid or retard or dumbass even in a joking manner, where I will go into restrictions and diminishment within myself based on accessing this memory of being called this in school in front of my class mates, and thus define myself by the feelings that I felt when was called this in the memory of being embarrassed and ashamed and thus go into a point of depression within myself as if to say and pin me into this place of self inferiority where I remind myself that this is who I am, I am not equal with others, because I am holding onto these memories as reminders to let me know that I am ‘stupid’, so don’t even try and act as if I am not, as I believe who I am is defined by my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lock myself into a personality suit as the stupid character in where I will become this within energy experiences as shame and becoming uncomfortable in my body where I will immediately see myself as less then others, and fall in line within this, where I will censor my thoughts, words, and actions, and so become like robotic and unnatural in my movements because it’s not a natural expression, but done in fear and uneasiness because I am having this memory come through that I am a fuck up and that others see me in this way so then living in this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by a memory of being called stupid in front of the class and thus defining myself as someone less then others based on believing that being called out in this way has now put me in the character of being this in my life, but I realize that for this to be true for me then I must live into it, I was re-create it and i do this through recreating and participating in this memory of accessing shame and uncomfortableness through the trigger point as the word stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this belief that who I am is defined by my past and how I was spoken to in these memories based on a perception I held that this is who I am if I was called this, not taking into consideration the state of mind of the boys in the room and who they were in relation to saying it to me, so to realize that when people speak words to me it’s to not go into the point of taking it personally, but to walk the understanding of the being saying it as to say this in an attempt to diminish another is based on a self acceptance of insecurity within oneself, so understanding this and walking the point in stbaliltiy to support and assit the person if I see that I can. I am not defined by words from another as I am the living word and define myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the feelings of embarrassment and shame when found that I was called stupid, and thus whenever this word is spoken access the energy as the memory, where I will go into a tension and restriction within myself as I have become embarrassed and ashamed again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access energy within the memory of being called stupid as embarrassment and shame based on believing that I am inferior to those that called me this due to a self judgment I have placed on myself as less then and was activated through this word through the memory and thus the re-living of this feeling of being inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferior due to a word based on fearing what others think of me when called this and thus define myself by how others are seeing me, missing who I am and my own self respect and integrity in myself.

More to follow in tomorrows blog.