Looking at the point of being vulnerable, within my life I have never enjoyed feeling this way as obviously being vulnerable means you are more able to be abused or harmed, within me I never wanted to be in such a state. There is an inherent fear within this of being let down and thus abused within opening myself up and allowing vulnerability, and so I am very seldom given into being vulnerable with others and allowing myself to open up. I see how I have created many parts in my world where I perceive that I am vulnerable and open for attack based on being hyper-reactive within perceiving what others are thinking of me, so this created many imaginations of being perceived as others thinking me as weak, but I realized I am the one creating this within my own head.
Why do I fear this being open and vulnerable because of holding onto memories that cause me to feel fearful, but in a way to become self intimate and get help from those that can support me, I must become open and thus vulnerable in a sense. I see I have been made to believe through childhood that being open and vulnerable is a sign of weakness, those that are seen as vulnerable are easier to abuse and thus if you don’t want to be abused you have to become strong and hard within who you are because no one is going to take care of me, and will exploit that fact that one have a weakness because in this world all are trying to survive and be at the top for the ‘system’ rewards you gain there and that takes a sense of inhuman ruthlessness because there is only a few who can gain such rewards.
I found that this was a cycle of the abuser and abused, where I became an abuser and thus within this their was a lust for power within having power over others and exploiting their weakness and vulnerability. But this is quite an evil way to be because within the point of become vulnerable with another, it’s a trust that is given, and if that trust is broken, the other can easily fall and thus never trust again. You as the person that broke the trust is responsible for that other who had fell, and now you are to be seen as untrustworthy. This started in childhood, where I was learning from adults who I would see would exploit those who were seen as more vulnerable and degrade those who appeared weaker, and so I learned that to be successful in life and not be harmed is to not be vulnerable and to not be seen as weak, thus trust was secondary and deception was what I grew on me to survive.
I grew a huge resistance to being weak and thus being vulnerable, and so I grew a desire to be strong, to be seen by others as strong, and to prove this strength in my living for others to see so I am not someone who can be abused and I wouldn’t be seen as weak or vulnerable. I found that I would thus gear towards being more into sports and proving myself in sports to other guys as I saw the majority of this vulnerability was linked to being female and being unable to compete.
So as long as I was able to compete and keep up with the men in sports, I was seeing myself as strong and thus within this I got an added bonus, I started to feel powerful where I would lead the neighborhood kids within activities we would play, and based on me being the stronger one as well as one of the older kids, I easly fit into the leader of the group and I liked it, this was the first time I was feeling this lust to have power over others. I learned that strength in what I do and not showing weakness was the best way to survive, but I found also that this was a miserable way to live because as is known, that through survival you have to become ruthless, this was my weakness because I could only be so deceptive, until my 'conscious' got to me, and I started to feel very shitty about myself and how I was living. So within this gain for power and control over others, I become subject to this game of others trying to take this position, interesting this was only childhood play, but it is as much alive in children as it is in the world system. Who do the children learn from - the adults, so what does that say about adults in this world? Not a lot about integrity and unity that is for sure.
More to come in next blog.