Day 146- Stupid Character- Memory Dimension

Walking here on a portion of writing from an earlier blog, here is the list of blogs I recommend looking at for further reference:

Day 142- “Stupid” Character- Part 1 - Intro
Day 143- Stupid Character – Fear Dimension Self Forgiveness – Part 2
Day 144- Stupid Character – Survival and Competition Self Forgiveness – Part 3
Day 145- Stupid Character- Outcasted and Taking Things Personally Self Forgiveness – Part 4


So there is the fear of being outcasted due to the stigma or stereotype of being seen as a stupid person within this peer group, as I have memories of myself being called this, and thus what happened to me as being outcasted and alienated from my group of friends imprinted within me, and thus to this day I activate it as a fear of being alone/outcasted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memories of being called stupid at school and thus when ever this word is spoken in my world, I will react in a restriction based on this memory of me being called this in front of my class at the chalkboard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished and restricted when I hear the word stupid or retard or dumbass even in a joking manner, where I will go into restrictions and diminishment within myself based on accessing this memory of being called this in school in front of my class mates, and thus define myself by the feelings that I felt when was called this in the memory of being embarrassed and ashamed and thus go into a point of depression within myself as if to say and pin me into this place of self inferiority where I remind myself that this is who I am, I am not equal with others, because I am holding onto these memories as reminders to let me know that I am ‘stupid’, so don’t even try and act as if I am not, as I believe who I am is defined by my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lock myself into a personality suit as the stupid character in where I will become this within energy experiences as shame and becoming uncomfortable in my body where I will immediately see myself as less then others, and fall in line within this, where I will censor my thoughts, words, and actions, and so become like robotic and unnatural in my movements because it’s not a natural expression, but done in fear and uneasiness because I am having this memory come through that I am a fuck up and that others see me in this way so then living in this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by a memory of being called stupid in front of the class and thus defining myself as someone less then others based on believing that being called out in this way has now put me in the character of being this in my life, but I realize that for this to be true for me then I must live into it, I was re-create it and i do this through recreating and participating in this memory of accessing shame and uncomfortableness through the trigger point as the word stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this belief that who I am is defined by my past and how I was spoken to in these memories based on a perception I held that this is who I am if I was called this, not taking into consideration the state of mind of the boys in the room and who they were in relation to saying it to me, so to realize that when people speak words to me it’s to not go into the point of taking it personally, but to walk the understanding of the being saying it as to say this in an attempt to diminish another is based on a self acceptance of insecurity within oneself, so understanding this and walking the point in stbaliltiy to support and assit the person if I see that I can. I am not defined by words from another as I am the living word and define myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the feelings of embarrassment and shame when found that I was called stupid, and thus whenever this word is spoken access the energy as the memory, where I will go into a tension and restriction within myself as I have become embarrassed and ashamed again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access energy within the memory of being called stupid as embarrassment and shame based on believing that I am inferior to those that called me this due to a self judgment I have placed on myself as less then and was activated through this word through the memory and thus the re-living of this feeling of being inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferior due to a word based on fearing what others think of me when called this and thus define myself by how others are seeing me, missing who I am and my own self respect and integrity in myself.

More to follow in tomorrows blog.

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2012, bullying, capitalism, character, depression, desteni, dumb, eqafe,equality, how to deal with bullies, judging self, no friends, outcast, peer groups,school, stupid competition, survival, surviving

Day 144- Stupid Character – Survival and Competition Self Forgiveness – Part 3

This is specific to my peers, as I see I can easily be with younger people or older people as I see them as relatively being equals in terms of there is no real competition at play with them. Within my peer group though, there is the survival trigger that is played out, as I am on an equal playing level with these people and so I will go into a point of survival mode where in I will have to be seen as the best as possible to be able to survive and stay within a relative sense of security, because If I don’t have this point of ‘friends’ as my peers then I’ll be alone, and I don’t want or enjoy being alone.

I will be writing self-forgiveness on the above portion in relation to competition and survival with my peer group, suggest to read the following blogs for more context:

Day 142- “Stupid” Character- Part 1 - Intro
Day 143- Stupid Character – Fear Dimension Self Forgiveness – Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see those in my age group within a point of competition because I have judged this group as those that I have to go to battle with to survive in this world as I have learned through my friends, sisters, the media, that there is a struggle to gain status and get what you want as it is not just going to be given freely.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative polarity as self diminishment if I see that I am not able to compete and win, and thus create more self judgments of myself within the belief that this is why i am losing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the best within the group I am interacting with and so within this desire create a point of separation as competition, as within this point, I am creating of desiring to be the best, their will be those who will lose, so creating the polarity in my world and thus the world at large to go into competition and thus drive the point of having to survive with those who are equal as life and equal within having to survive as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive the point of competition based on my belief that if I don’t go into competition with those that I see in competition with me, such as my peer group, I will lose and not be able to get what I desire in this life. I realize however, that we can create a system where everyone wins, if I as this world, let go of this point to be the more then others and stand equal with all as how I would want for myself, this point of feeling that I need to survive will end because I am not competing any longer, there is no struggle as everything will be shared as we realize all need to live equally so thus share everything equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within comparing myself to others, and thus creating a point where I go into that some beings are more then me and some beings are  less, and thus within this automatically creating a point of polarity as some are more and some are less, and that what is important is to be the more so I can survive and get what I want. I realize that within this initial judgment of myself, I am creating the separation of myself with others, and thus creating a lack within me, so it’s to stop this initial point of self judgment and walk the equality of myself with others by physically living it in my world through physical actions, speaking, not imposing, ect. So that I am not in a point of lack/gain, but here with all in equality to find what is best for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus through this point of separation through lack, created a point of need from the outer world to fill that lack, so thus searching and driving to find that which I am looking for, which is my own self interested happiness, such as status and success within my peer group, so I can be seen as the strong one and I can eventually gain what I want as I have shown that I am more and thus those get what I want because in this system those who are the fittest will survive, but realizing this is not life, as when I am at the losing end, life suffers which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of fulfillment outside of myself based on not accepting myself within my own body, so thus I must stop the point of self judgment and comparison and defining myself by the outer, and walk the inner process of myself to stabilize myself and become equal in acceptance with who I am, so thus my living can equalize on the outer and their will be no need to seek fulfillment from anyone or anything outside myself as I have created self fulfillment within myself as myself within stopping the separation as my mind in thoughts, reactions, and multi-dimensions, bringing myself back to the physical here where life is.

I commit myself to stop and breath when I see I am going into a reaction of survival within a group by stopping the activating thoughts of self judgment and walking the physical through the breathing and moving myself physically in my hands to get me back to my body and thus walk the process of equalizing myself with the beings in the physical by stopping my mind as thoughts, reactions, emotions, and feelings.

I commit myself to stop all points of competition within my mind as thoughts and thus within the physical as actions to thus be able to stand as equals for real, and let go of the drive to be more through competing, as I realize it’s not necessary as we can all share what is here and live as who we are as equals, it’ll take physical action through my living correction in when I see I go into this point of competing, I breath and I stop.

I commit myself to stop the point of belief that if I don’t compete, I will not survive, so here will walk the point of creating systems, means, and actions in my world that will create an equality with those I am walking with, working with, living with, ect. So an equality and sharing can be developed and created within my world, where all win and all benefit, ending the drive for competition and survival as I have physically stopped participating in it. This to continue into the world system, as I walk and push my efforts with the group who are supporting the equal money system, so the survival drive will end in this world and world equality can be here among all life.

I commit myself to stop the polarity I live within seeing that I am lacking if I don’t compete, stopping the point of desire for more, and become satisfied with what I have, making important the life of all in equality and not my own self interest as entertainment and feeling good, if life is going to be lived for everyones enjoyment then it must start within me and my living.

I commit myself to walk the point of self fulfillment by walking my process of self forgiveness and self correction within accepting who I am and changing myself through my living by stopping the judgment and lack within me, and walking simply a process of correction in space time, that I understand will take time, so this can be done once and for all, embracing me and enjoying myself as life as this is a gift, and stopping the abuse within self interest and competition in stopping the belief that survival is life because it’s not life.

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2012, bullying, character, depression, desteni, dumb, eqafe, equality, how to deal with bullies, judging self, no friends, outcast, peer groups, school,stupid

competition, survival, surviving, capitalism

Day 143- Stupid Character – Fear Dimension Self Forgiveness – Part 2

The fear I have in relations to being seen as stupid or being called stupid is how others will see me if I am called this or seen as this within what I do, so fear of not being liked or approved of by others through the perception that being called stupid is a diminishment within myself.

This is a portion of this blog,  that I will be doing self forgiveness on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen by others as stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being called stupid by others based on a memory I hold of being in middle school and being called stupid by others and imprinting this into me that I am stupid because I was called this by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what was said to me personally and create this idea that I am stupid because I was called this, and thus live my life with this idea that I am not smart and inferior to those I see as more intellectual based on a memory of being called this by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen by others when called stupid as I fear others believing because I was called stupid by someone that automatically makes in their minds me as a stupid person, and so them not liking me based on this idea I hold of what others will conclude about me because of being called stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others think of me or how others perceive me as being called stupid, but I realize this is just based on how I perceive myself and how I am judging self/others in my mind, so thus I stop this allowing myself to accept thoughts of judgment towards another and perceiving others in my mind instead of living here with them in the physical, so moving me from my mind to the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto fear based on holding onto the past as the memory of being called stupid, and thus defining myself by the emotions of self diminishment and sadness that came upon me when being called stupid in this memory and so defined myself by this moment, and thus resisting being called this or being perceived as stupid so I will not have to feel the sadness and self diminishment emotions again as I resist or go into a defense of being called stupid instead of letting it go as I realize who I am as life one and equal with all.

I commit myself to stop and breath when I feel the energy come up of going into self diminishment when someone jokingly or seriously calls me stupid as I realize that I define who I am thus am not defined by words spoken by others, so it’s to breath through the reaction and walk the physical here and not be directed/defined by others.

I commit myself to stop the fears of having others see me as less then by stopping myself from reacting through practicing to be here and accept myself when I feel the actions to go into self diminishment based on reacting to others words through breathing and stabilizing myself in my body.

I commit myself to breath through any reactions to any words spoken to me or spoken by me and purify the word to determine it’s relevance and stand equal to it’s meaning through self forgiveness.   

I commit myself to let go of the memories of being called stupid and thus walk equal to the physical here in what is really happening with others and thus be able to support and care for others equal to myself and care for myself as well where there is no mind influence but just here comfortable and relaxed with me. 

2012, bullying, character, depression, desteni, dumb, eqafe, equality, how to deal with bullies, judging self, no friends, outcast, peer groups, school, stupid

Day 142- “Stupid” Character- Part 1 - Intro

The fear I have in relations to being a seen as stupid or being called stupid is how others will see me if I am called this or seen as this within what I do, so fear of not being liked or approved of by others through the perception that being called stupid is a diminishment within myself. This is specific to my peers, as I see I can easily be with younger people or older people as I see them as relatively being equals in terms of there is no real competition at play with them. Within my peer group though, there is the survival trigger that is played out, as I am on an equal playing level with these people and so I will go into a point of survival mode where in I will have to be seen as the best as possible to be able to survive and stay within a relative sense of security, because If I don’t have this point of ‘friends’ as my peers then I’ll be alone, and I don’t want or enjoy being alone.

So there is the fear of being outcasted due to the stigma or stereotype of being seen as a stupid person within this peer group, as I have memories of myself being called this, and thus what happened to me as being outcasted and alienated from my group of friends imprinted within me, and thus to this day I activate it as a fear of being alone/outcasted. Thus within this being alone and being seen as the outcast, is what I fear the most, as the feelings of being outcasted were not cool and being called the stupid one, is a point I took personally and made it real. I believed within being called this that I was limiting my chances of getting what I desire as money, men, sex, good job, and a good life. Within the stupid character, activating these primary points, that I am not capable and their must be something wrong with me to be called this, so thus I live out this character in real life as seeing myself as the 'stupid' one. But in reality, I realize I am capable and that this judgment against myself is what is stupid, as it's not a point of defining self in any giving moment as a point of some specific value, but equalizing myself with the physical, valuing self equal among all, and thus living this understanding into my life where i become equal as all in capabilities as I will be one and equal with the physical, which life is, so will have full access to life because I am it. 

I have found that the living into this character has the biggest effect on me today, as it went into my physical living, so I have to walk through the point of stopping the words and judgments of myself as less then, through self forgiveness and self correction, which I will do in forthcoming blogs specifically. The point to realize for myself is that it doesn’t matter either way if others are seeing me as stupid or not, that is a reflection on them, but what matters is who I am within being called this, and how am I going to live, as a diminishment of who I can be or a living example of life as equality and oneness as what is real. 

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Day 125- “I Am A Fuck Up” Character

Here looking at the "I am a fuck up" character, where in my starting point has always been that I am not good enough, I will eventually fuck things up, and that I am who I am is based on my past, so here many dimensions can be looked at as I have for most of my life defined myself in this way.

Why have I been defining myself in such a way is based on the fact that I have been holding onto the past, in where, I will when I come to a point of expressing myself and just enjoying myself, bring my past here and how I have defined myself as a fuck up, and within this it will superimpose into me, and I will become that character again as the past, and thus repeat the past. This repeating the past, in where I essential re-mind, bring to my mind once again, the past as my fuck up character, and essentially play the role yet again. This is how the mind operates and enslaves human beings, because it is the point of movement within bringing the past here, and thus we as the being follow the thoughts, the memories, the beliefs, the pictures, and yet again, play the, in this case, the fuck up character.

When I play into this character, I limit myself extensively as within the physical as I will go into suppression and self judgment based on the role I play within myself, seeing me as the least, and thus not wanting to expose myself as weak as how I really feel, so this I will suppress myself to not give any chance for any accidental exposure, so it is quite the conundrum I have created for myself. Obviously, I as life enjoy living, being who I like to be, doing what I like to do, hanging around people who are fun and enjoyable, and thus, within this point of  living as a ‘fuck up’, I don’t live the point of who I am as life as the physical to it’s fullest potential.

This point of allowing myself to be diminished and live less then who I can be in the physical, is the point I am walking here, as I realize I am the only one holding myself back as I see when I do allow myself to push myself and just be here in breath and live, I enjoy myself and just enjoy the life around me, and within that my expression expands because I am expanding within myself, as before the suppression caused me to constrict and diminish as this is what I am doing in the physical.

I have walked many points already within the self judgment and comparision of myself to others, but within this is a holding onto the past, and allowing it within this here moment to define me in the future to come, so will be walking some self forgiveness on the point of holding onto the past and allowing it to direct me here as I live.

Self forgiveness to follow in coming blogs. 

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i am a fuck up, i messed up, not capable, less then you, fullest potential, not living, dead, living dead, no life, stupid, ugly, dumb, self judgment, self compromise, desteni, eqafe, 2012, journey to life