Now my name is Garbrielle, and within my friends and what name stuck was this name of Garb, I didn't ever really consider this name being anything then just a nickname until it was used in a not so pleasant way. When I first heard my nickname used in a diminishing way or what I found to be diminishing way is when I was called ‘Garbage’ as obviously garbage is rotten, old foul leftovers of human waste, and thus is generally resisted and frowned upon due to the unpleasant smells and appearance of what this look like. So I did not take to kindly in hearing others call me this name, either in a friendly joking way or in a way to diminish me. So everytime I hear the word garbage I recluse into myself as I know that within this point I am vulnerable to attack and abuse, and being attacked and abused was not a point I desired due to me wanting the ‘good’ life of basic self interest.
But within this, is this who I am and how I define myself, someone defined by a word and thus only thinking about myself and my own happineness in life. For a long time, yes, this was me, but this never brought me any form of happiness or satisfaction within a wholeness of myself, but constant inner conflict and swayed by the tides of others. I have learned throughout the years thought that this way of living I don’t want to continue living in this way. I realize that within the word ‘garbage’ I hold a negative charge as I described above and thus within being called this reacted in negativity towards myself and thus created an instability within me based on this judgment. But within the word garbage it is just a word, there is no chain coming out of the word latching me by my feet and enslaving me to it, I am the one doing it to myself by allowing this word to have power over me by judging the word as negative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word garbage within a picture in my head as gross rotting waste and thus within this point take it personally when another called me this because my name has the likes of this word within it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge this word as negative and thus define myself in a negative way as a worthless person based on others calling me this because of the deliberate nature of the word to be seen as something that is not wanted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus define myself by being called this name in a way that created an inner conflict based on seeing that people where calling me this on purpose because I am this way worthless and unwanted, but not considering the point of it being a joke or just done in a similarity type of way not personally, and thus just see the dark and negative connotations to the word and the correlation of me within this as being this word as the idea I have placed on it as worthless and unwanted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word garbage as a disgrace and an attack and thus within this saw myself less then others and so went into self diminishment based on defining myself by the idea I had placed on the word ‘garbage’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take being called garbage as a personal attack and thus go into a reclusion within myself towards the other in a giving up way to show that I have defined myself by this word as negative and thus see myself as less then that who called me in such a way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a give up character when I am called garbage as if I am defined and determined by my idea of this word as worthless and unwanted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself in my world as worthless and unwanted and thus take this word as garbage personally as I am already defining myself in such a way and thus further manipulating myself into self sabotage by using this word to define me as what I think about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself based on holding onto the idea of a word as being who I am based on being called it in a way that I deemed demeaning, and thus live into this as self suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by how others treated me and thus go into self suppression within my physical interaction with others in a suppression and tightness within the body when this word is spoken.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my physical to restrict based on defining myself by this word as garbage, I realize that the word is a word and it doesn’t define me as it simple describing a point of physical processing and has no relevance to me or my name.
Will continue in the next blog.
Artwork By Fellow Destonian:
Damian Ledesma -
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Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/damianldsm?fref=ts
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best names, birth, bullies, bullying, desteni, eqafe, equality, name, naming, parents, say my name, self forgiveness, garbage, being picked on, name called,
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