Why do I fear this being open and vulnerable because of holding onto memories that cause me to feel fearful, but in a way to become self intimate and get help from those that can support me, I must become open and thus vulnerable in a sense. I see I have been made to believe through childhood that being open and vulnerable is a sign of weakness, those that are seen as vulnerable are easier to abuse and thus if you don’t want to be abused you have to become strong and hard within who you are because no one is going to take care of me, and will exploit that fact that one have a weakness because in this world all are trying to survive and be at the top for the ‘system’ rewards you gain there and that takes a sense of inhuman ruthlessness because there is only a few who can gain such rewards.
This is a continuation of Day 162 – Vulnerability – Part 1 and
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories as a kid of seeing life being weak and thus less then due to the movies and tv shows depicting the ones who were inferior as vulnerable in some way and thus the weak ones, be it a physical ailment or mental ailment, there was always a point where it was obvious they had a vulnerable point and thus the others who were stronger usually exploited it for their own gain due to existing within the mentality of some are born weak and some are born strong, and the strong will survive and it’s too bad for the weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view life within a polarity of some are weak and some are strong due to the physical make up and features of the other as well as intellect to determine within myself if I will be vulnerable among them for abuse, and so I will create my reality in a reactive state of fear rather then here equal and one with life and thus within stability. I realize that this reactive state is where I loss my power as I am allowing my emotionsand desires direct me in feeling a certain way and wanting a certain outcome, so thus sabotaging myself because I believe what defines a human is their physical appearance and intellect rather then the truth of what is here as equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see, and understand, that when I go into emotions as inferiority or dread when I see myself within a vulnerability due to seeing myself as less then others within my look or intellect, I will immediately go into a resistance and then be vulnerable for attack as I will not be here grounded, but will be in my mind in constant fear that will be seen as weak by others and thus create this point of attack by believing that I am weak and I can’t defend myself due to this belief of not being equal with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand where this will take me within believing that vulnerability is a weakness by continuously allowing my definitions of vulnerability in separation to myself and in judgment of what is good as a self manipulation to sabotage myself and never allow myself to be intimate with me or another being, because I can’t trust them as I can’t even trust myself. I realize that to be for real within vulnerability with another human being in self honesty is an awesome thing as the guards are down and real truth is able to be expressed through where people can see each other and relate to each other rather then always being in fear of each other and see as a means to an end or in fear of being abused. I realize that I am the one creating this by separating myself from my own self vulnerability by believing that vulnerability is only defined by external reality rather then self within self in opening up and allowing self to see who I am and thus be open and vulnerable to see everything for real and thus be able to change it through a willingness to see in self honesty and accept whatever comes.
Self commitments to follow.