My Relationship With Others- I am a Failure – Day 421

Art By: Matti Freeman

So here I just listened to a few resonant interviews that were held through the desteni productions channel back in 2010 and 2011, please click the links to listen they were very helpful to me, but anyways, I got some great insight through them into my own process and my own mind. One of the contributing factors to my experience of myself with others is this already accepted and allowed belief of myself that I am a failure and that no one is going to want to be around me or be connected to me because I don’t have much to offer.

Now in physical reality I am not really aligned with my mind as I do have things to offer and I do have people around me that see that I can contribute to things, but all the while I am allowing and accepting back chat that I am the opposite, that other’s are not wanting to be around me, and that I am of no worth to others. There is this underlying experience and backchat that is going on that everyone sees me as this despicable person and there is no reason to for me to even approach them because I will be rejected, so I am fighting this within myself. This is very self abusive to myself and so also contributes to my outflows of abuse towards others in different outlets in my daily life, I see, realize, and understand I am participating and becoming possessed in the mind within beliefs that are not based or grounded in reality as I am not basing myself or grounding myself in reality, but too much allowing thoughts and emotions to direct me in my day to day living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be a failure before I even attempt to try or engage with people or in a event in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my mind when it says that I am not worthy to be with others and that others don’t want to be around me, and so create and manifest this in my reality by not being receptive or physically participating with others but secluding myself and closing the door of opportunity before it has even begun to open.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within myself I am inherently flawed and existing within a point of having something inherently wrong with me based on judging different parts of myself within reality that I have created an absolute about and believe that who I am in this state is who I am always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no worth in this world and no value within myself in who I am as a being because I judge myself based on the way I act and look and so see that I am not as good as others as I am still accepting and allowing comparison to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself inferior to others and so fear rejection from others as I have placed worth in others higher then my own self worth.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put my own self worth into the external world and so get emotional and fear the external not accepting me, when i don't accept myself and reject myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my external reality and so disempower who I am within myself as a living being in my physical body and so in my physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to exist within comparing my expression to others and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to create separation within my world in positive and negatives and create my world into a desire to win and so create the disappointment when it turns out to be the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still exist within beliefs that I have no skills and I am not smart and so believe that I will be of no use to anyone that is wanting to be with me or get me involved in a project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out the self victim state within myself where I see that I have too much on my plate and so believe that I am being put under too much pressure when in reality it is me holding onto these self pity of seeing myself as less then others and that I will fail at this anyway and disappoint everyone around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to disappoint others and will do this because I am not able to get things done and do things in a way that is efficient because I believe myself to be not capable and not smart enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not smart enough and not capable enough to move beyond my mind and my beliefs and work within physical reality, participating with reality, and moving myself as living in physical reality with others to walk what is here, and let go of the points that are not supporting me and move within what I am able to do in each breath.

When and as I see I am in a point of  belief and thinking of how I am a failure and judging myself within any way that is in polarity, I stop and breath, and look within myself to realize that I am able to live here and express myself, it only takes a breath and a movement, I realize I don’t have to continue to exist within this mind belief of less then, and can let it go and exist in a way that is by principles and self directed assuredness through building self trust and self integrity by living my words.

I commit myself to let go of and stop all back chat that is self defeating and also self praising.

I commit myself to move through these energy experiences of feeling low or desiring to get a high.

I commit myself to move myself in physical reality in these moments where I want to go into self defeat and push my fears to stop them.

I commit myself to walk this path until I am here and able to self honestly live my utmost potential and prove to myself that I am able to direct myself and have let go of the system thoughts that I am not capable and no one likes me.

I realize that it’s not about the other or the external reality, but who I am within myself, so I commit myself to build myself within my living word and stop my mind from directing me into self compromise as I direct myself as the mind into and as self correction in alignment with what is best for all.

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Day 217- Feeling of Dread Series – Accepting Limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become limited within myself and who I will be within my life due to believing this feeling of dread and uncomfortability within myself around others means that I am not as worthy and that I am not as acceptable as those I see that are creating this point of uncomfortablitiy within me. I realize that within this point of uncomfortability around others and believing that this feeling is who I am, I can take responsibility and stop limiting myself to become inferior and not able to express myself when I see this feeling come up of dread by seeing this as something that I am creating myself because i am allowing these beliefs to define who I am.

I commit myself to when and as this feeling comes up, I stop and breath, and thus do not accept myself to go into the thoughts of inferiority and belief that I am inferior to others, and focus on who I am as a physical being and thus focus on everyone and everything else who are equal in this regard, that we are all physical and thus we are all equal. I commit to stop these thoughts from directing me and limiting me in who I can be as a physical being perfecting my living in reality in the life that we all are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself at times to believe myself to be more then others and base myself based on the mind in thoughts saying I am more prettier then them and I have better clothes or I am smarter then, so I am more valued, and thus within me create this polarity separation with everyone in my world/reality based on allowing these thoughts and beliefs direct me into believing I am superior when in reality I am not, I realize we are equal, all life is equal.

I commit myself to walk the correction in seeing all life in equality and stopping my mind as these thoughts of superiority within what I have or what I look like direct me into seeing myself better then another, by not allowing myself to entertain such thoughts and breathing through them until I no longer have any reactions within these thoughts of superiority towards others as well as inferiority.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of judgment towards another and thus go into a comparison, I can red flag this and thus I can use this point to stop myself before it goes into consequence. I use my breath to stop the outflow of consequence within going into judgment and comparison  and walk the equality in the physical to a system that will be best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make material possessions have more value then the value of life equal within all, and thus accept and allow myself to cause abuse towards another in treating them less then me and making them feel like they are less then me because I feel more powerful this way. I realize that this is not real power but abuse and manipulation of my own gifts I have and thus this desire to have more I must stop as this is perpetuating this desire to be more to get more and thus live and accept separation as polarity within me.

I commit myself to when and as I go into seeing my things as having more value then life where in I will think I am more then others for having this possession, I stop and breath, and do not allow myself to define myself by what i have and thus only define who I am by how I live and treat others.  

I commit myself to walk the path of self perfection within my living in the laws of my beingness as life as the physical in what is real in treating every living being equally to myself and living this in my physical reality as an expression of who I am and the gift I understand is here as life in all and the opportunity we have here to live this for real and create a world that truly is heaven on earth.

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Day 216 – Feeling of Absolute Dread Series – Being Weaker then a Feeling?

“This feeling comes up and its very strong, a forceful energy that makes me feel not able to match it’s intensity, weak really within myself, and it is followed by thoughts and pictures of myself as being very unattractive. “

For reference on quote above, please see:

Day 215 – Exploring Self Acceptance – The Feeling of Absolute Dread Series –Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a feeling which within me I realize is not real as it is not of life, but it is generated from the mind system through the conflict relationship from substance to the system in our bodies that we accept and allow (see more on what the Mind is here on the Desteni Wiki) and that within this realization, I can start to walk the process of stopping taking this feeling personally and seeing it as more then me. I realize and understand within the relationship of energy and feelings, that they are being created based on my participation in the mind and in these beliefs that I am not able to stand equal to these feelings, which are not real as these are not physical their made in the mind which is illusion, not real.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of taking this feeling of dread personally and believing that I cant stand equal to it and stop my participation within it, I stop and breath, and speak ‘garb, I am not defined by this feeling, I am creating it thus I can stop it.’ And I physically stop my participation in the thoughts or beliefs that say I can’t, and push my physical to walk through the resistance and continue to participate and do what I am doing without allowing the thoughts to influence me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a feeling have power over me where in I submit to it in the living out of seeing myself inferior within who I am based on believing what the mind is telling me, that I am ugly, unlikable, and fucked up. I realize that the energizing of these thoughts and thus the continuation of this line of thought stream of self sabotage is because I am participating and believing these thoughts to be who I am. I realize though within this that this is not who I am, I am not what the mind is saying as the mind is working and living within a system of separation, needing us as the life being suppressed for it to exist, with me as life in oneness and equality the mind ends, and thus this struggle within myself is due to my own participation, my own actions, my own beliefs, and thus my own creation as I believe I am my mind, but I realize I am not only my mind but life here, and thus I commit to walk myself back to life here in the physical in what is really real.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of belief and thus self sabotage in believing the mind in what thoughts are coming up within me, I stop and breath, and move myself to a point of self stability, go get air and do not allow myself to follow the thought stream. I commit myself to stop artipcating in beliefs that I am what my mind is telling me, and thus see myself within my actual living. Meaning I walk in awareness of each breath, each step, practicing slowing down in my breath, and living within each moment in what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what the mind is telling me about myself is real, that I am ugly and unlikeable and fucked up, I realize that within this belief of myself I hold my self in a point of limitation because I don’t realize my potential of what I could be based on going into a depression based on seeing myself in such a self sabotaged way. I realize and understand that the mind is not real in the sense of what is coming up within it and thus I need to walk the practical steps of stopping these beliefs each and every time, investigate them through writing if they continue, and walk the correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my mind and the thoughts that come up personally, and thus go into a reaction of inferiority and depression based on seeing myself as this person who is not good enough. I realize that within these reactions of taking what my mind personally, I am making my mind more powerful then me, and thus allowing it to control me. I realize that I have directive principle and can walk the correction of stopping the reactions, and realign to corrective living in using what is here as my mind as a point of understanding where I am at within my process, and what is necessary to walk to correct that which is not aligned with what is best for all.

I commit myself to push myself to stop the beliefs that are coming within me as that I am ugly and unlikable, and start walking self acceptance, accepting who I am in each moment, and thus I commit to push myself to stop looking from acceptance from others as I realize I am not defined by others, but I direct and thus define myself.

I commit myself to stop taking the mind personal, seeing it for what it is as a tool to walk my process to equality and oneness with life, and use breath to realign myself to what is real in the physical and push myself to become aware of who I am as the physical, stopping each time I see I am going into reaction, and use breath and my will to walk back to life here in Reality.

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Day 215 – Exploring Self Acceptance – The Feeling of Absolute Dread Series –Part 1

Here looking at a feeling that I have recently became aware meaning I have looked at it in awareness without fear or submission, which is actually a pretty cool breakthrough for me because for many, many years I have allowed this feeling to overpower me and take control of my whole physical and mental faculties. This feeling is the feeling of absolute dread.

This feeling comes up and its very strong, a forceful energy that makes me feel not able to match it’s intensity, weak really within myself, and it is followed by thoughts and pictures of myself as being very unattractive. I get this feeling especially when I am in groups of people my own age, and I will be fine for quite a while, but during the event or evening, I can expect this feeling to come on. It is usually activated by an external force such as if I go in the mirror and judge myself as ugly or by someone else doing something that I interpret as a point of rejection towards me.

Here, I will first look at the mirror activation, this is a point were if I look and am not satisfied with my picture within the first glance, I will go into self judgment and thus self suppression. This thought stream will accentuate and accumulate to where I am in complete suppression and can hardly communicate with others based on these beliefs that they will think I am beyond degusting looking and they would never want to speak or look at me because of how gross I look, so I will live into this and not communicate and interact with others in comfortability, but be completely in fear of rejection/vulnerability.

Then I will go into this whole uncomfortable state within myself in and around these groups of people because of this thought activation that was created within the moment I judged myself in the mirror as ugly and not good enough, and then the feeling of absolute dread comes on. This feeling within me that there is no way out of this belief of myself, that I am what my mind is telling me to everyone else in this room, this disgusting, ugly person, stupid, no good, and that there is no reason to even communicate because I will not be accepted, I am really just not even worthy to speak to or at times even live really (this was in it's peak, will go into this more later in this series).

But within this logic within myself it is really distorted and warped, because obviously this is how I see myself, this is what I believe of myself, and so I can't even really see other people or who/how they think or see things because of the fear and turmoil going on within me. I can't see what is really here as others or myself because I am not here, I am not in reality but completely trapped in my mind, in an illusion of my own making, being fueled and threatened within myself of what feels like self annihilation as this feeling of dread grows and desperation as this feeling over comes me to it's submission until I am alone again and can find some peace. This cycle though created a deep depression within me because I obviously don't want to be alone, but this feeling of dread always results in me being alone because this is when I feel safe, when this feeling of dread goes away. So it's a catch 22, I can't be with others cause this feeling is unbearable, but I don't just want to be with myself because this is no fun. And for many years, I was very alone, hardly interacted with others, and was in a complete depression of sorrow and really it felt like hell, the hell of myself that I accepted and allowed my mind to direct me into and as. As I believed completely what my mind was saying to me about my own physical body and reality within my life, I never considered otherwise, that is until I found Desteni.

And this is what this feeling of dread makes me feel, absolutely alone and there is no one and nothing that can help me, that can save me from this feeling that drowns me within myself of what feels like the deepest pits of helplessness that I really can’t describe, its a really bad and a horrible feeling. I realize here that I am correct within this assessment that there is no one that will come and help me or save me from this feeling of dread and this illusion I have created for myself, until I stand up and help and save myself, within stopping accepting the mind in what it tells me about myself as the physical, and so accept who I am as myself here in my physical. Walking the path to stop these feelings from directing me into being able to walk here and accept all that is here to direct to outcomes of peace and harmony in what is best for all as the physical being that I am, that is what is really here, what is really real, the physical and me as the physical body.

Next – What is these memories and fears that is driving this feeling of dread that is now completely possess me in life and living. Thanks for reading.


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Day 148 – Stupid Character –Emotions and Thought Self Forgiveness – Part 7

Here is a list of blogs I recommend looking at for further reference:

Day 142- “Stupid” Character- Part 1 - Intro
Day 143- Stupid Character – Fear Dimension Self Forgiveness – Part 2
Day 144- Stupid Character – Survival and Competition Self Forgiveness – Part 3
Day 145- Stupid Character- Outcasted and Taking Things Personally Self Forgiveness – Part 4
Day 146- Stupid Character- Memory Dimension
Day 147- Stupid Character – Memory Dimension – Self Commitment Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be stupid based on the emotions of self disappointment and sadness that came up when being called stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the thoughts that ‘I am stupid because I was called this’ and thus live into this as seeing myself in little moments of being stupid and accentuating the moments where I did not live to my best and so created proof within myself by overanalyzing the acts that were not done to my best to prove to myself that I am this and sabotage myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over accentuate and over analyze actions in my living that were not lived to my best ability and thus justify my thought that ‘I am stupid because I was called this’ with these actions and thus allowing and accepting the self disappointment to grow within me as I have allowed myself to define myself by this point of living as ‘stupid’ so I could stay in this character and not have to face those that called me this, and my own feelings of fearing facing who I am within myself as judging myself in this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing who I am within myself because I see that within this facing myself I will have to change this point of self disappointment where I will have to push my living to live in a more structured and prepared way to understand and thus correct my living that is not done in the best way possible I can live, and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this thought that ‘I am stupid’ based on hearing it from others and so live into this point of seeing myself in this way, where I didn’t push myself in living but hide and escaped within this idea of myself that I can’t do certain things like face others I see as better then me, and thus live into this self diminishment point, wasting time and my own capabilities to make something more of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what others say about me is so and thus believe the thoughts that I am these words spoken to me, and thus live in self diminishment as I have accepted myself to be this way by defining myself by my outside world instead of realizing who I am in my own self application and understanding as life in the physical and stopping my mind from directing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time and my own self development and growth due to fear of facing others and thus went more into my mind and diminished myself believing the thoughts of less then and believing the energies as self disappointment and sadness are who I am within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe thoughts as if they are real and believe feelings and emotions as if they define who I am, I realize I have to breath through these energies and thoughts to walk as the physical and be here as the physical, as life is the physical and the mind is not life it is energy which is not real.

I commit myself to stop and breath when I feel any reaction come up of sadness or disappointment when being called stupid or hear the word stupid as I realize it is a word and thus I am not defined by this word, and so use words for what they are, and let go of the words that have no purpose but to separate life.

I commit myself to breath through all energy reactions as sadness and disappointment and realize that I am not defined by emotions so walk here within the physical in what I am doing, and let go of the belief that I am the emotions I am feeling as I realize I am here as the physical, so breath and remain as the physical.

I commit myself to stop following thoughts and let go of the energies as emotions when I hear the word stupid by breathing to stabilize myself and realizing I am not defined by a word, I am equal to it thus I can direct it and use it for it’s purpose as is.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
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2012, bullying, capitalism, character, depression, desteni,dumb,eqafe,equality, how to deal with bullies, judging self, no friends,outcast,peer groups,school, stupid competition, survival, surviving

Day 147- Stupid Character – Memory Dimension – Self Commitment Statements

Here is a list of blogs I recommend looking at for further reference:

Day 142- “Stupid” Character- Part 1 - Intro
Day 143- Stupid Character – Fear Dimension Self Forgiveness – Part 2
Day 144- Stupid Character – Survival and Competition Self Forgiveness – Part 3
Day 145- Stupid Character- Outcasted and Taking Things Personally Self Forgiveness – Part 4
Day 146- Stupid Character- Memory Dimension

I commit myself to let go of the memories of being called stupid in front of the class  and letting go of the charge of negativity as restrictions to the word stupid realizing that stupid is a word and so just see it for what it is not being defined by it by stopping the reactions to it.

I commit myself to stop the feelings of embarrassment and shame from directing me through breathing through it when I hear the word stupid, where in I don’t accept the memory to have power over me by realizing and remaining here in my breath, as the past nor the future are real, letting go of the energy charge that is attached to the memory and walking here as the physical.

I commit myself to breath through the desire to go into inferiority and submit into the belief that I am this stupid personality as I realize I am not the mind as these feelings and emotions, but here in the physical as the physical, thus breathing through the desire to go into the suppression and depression and remaining here as my breath and interacting with others to help remain here as the physical.

I commit myself to stop the point of movement within me when I here the word stupid and thus stop the point of re-creating the energy of feeling less then, walking as the physical and moving myself here in breath so thus I can let go of this desire to go into the suppression.

I commit myself to realize that when spoken of this word by another that this is a reflection of them and their own state of mind, so thus to understand this and not take the words personally as I walk who I am in equality and support to help others realize that speaking in separation of another is only diminishing oneself, walking as an example to show that that is not the way to live.

I commit myself to breath through the desire to go into restriction in my physical as I breath through the memory and the energy that is attached to it so thus I can stand no matter what word is spoken as I have realized it doesn’t define who I am.

I commit myself to let go of self judgment when called this by another and stand in the face of any word spoken to me as I am the living word and thus can live all words as me in realization that I am equal to the word as it is and that the mind in separation will carry a charge, so thus realizing this, and not accepting the energy charge to direct me by breathing through it and letting it go. 

For Further Support, Please check out Links:
Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

2012, bullying, capitalism, character, depression, desteni, dumb,eqafe,equality, how to deal with bullies, judging self, no friends, outcast,peer groups,school, stupid competition, survival, surviving